two months ago we were in love. in a crucial few seconds I fucked up. and then you were gone. out of my life, out of my my reach. where I was out of your mind, out of your heart. do you ever think about me still? have you forgotten all the memories? do you care even a little anymore? I know I do. I can't get away from you. everyone in the halls reminds me of you in some way, I can't hear music, sing, or dance without thinking of you, in conversations random words bring me back to times with you, and when I'm on my own my mind strays and you're the one who fills it. each day when I wake up, for that split second I forget you hate me then it hits me like an avalanche to the heart. I'm stuck in a world that has gone off it's axis and is now revolving around you. nothing else matters. I keep hoping the end of this misery is near, wishing to get killed in some tragic accident, or at the very least walk away with a bad case of amnesia so I can forget that I ever knew you.
so badly do I want to make things better. I really just want to talk to you, see your face, hear your voice. you could slap me, punch me, yell at me.. still I would be fine, at least I'd know you acknowledge my existance. maybe then your anger would simmer and you could finally hear my apologies and begin to let me repair the damage. I know it will take a while to build back your trust, but I would do it, for you. just tell me how. I would be your slave, your punching bag, your anything you want. just to be close to you, just to know you're ok. I don't know how to get through to you. you don't reply to any of my messages or texts and everytime I pick up the phone to call I just can't. I tell myself it's because I know you're afraid of phones and I don't want that awkwardness to add to your not wanting to talk to me in the first place. but really, I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'll tell me to dissappear, and never enter your life again, to stay away from any situation when mutual friends would bring us together, to stay away from your friends too. I'm so afraid that anytime I think about calling I feel my stomache twist and I think I'm going to puke.
the only escape is to run to the cover of food, hoping it will fill the void left in my heart. it never works, but that doesn't stop me from trying. it just helps me farther into a pit of wallowing and self-pity. which is stoopid, because I don't deserve it. I am the monster. I fucked up. I should be mercilessly punished. but I'm not just that one part. mostly, I hate myself for what I've done. so really, we both hate me. we should band together to hate me. or you could give the rest of me, that isn't evil, the chance to prove myself to be worthy of your time. and then I could promise to bring you nothing but happiness to the best of my abilities. and eventually, things could return to a place where I could once again make you smile despite the worst of days. that's what I really want, to be the one to make you smile again.
songs = post titles. guess the songs. do it. do it now.
<3 <3
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