tell me that we're all alone.

he made it through 30 hours, sleeping for the last 3 1/2. he would have thought that high jump mats would be comfy to sleep on, but he ended up just managing to injure himself all over and woke up sore from his neck to his tailbone, also receiving a bruise behind his right knee. he should have known better, every time he sleeps on something that isn't a bed he wakes up in pain. he tries to avoid doing so until he knows that the spa open house is near so that he can get his free hot stone massage. he knows he'll be in pain for at least a week with the way things are looking, work in the morning will be hell. he can't really imagine doing anything in his current state, standing around for 6 hours really wouldn't be at the top of his list of things he'd like to attempt to do with such pain.  at this point all he wants is a big pile of pain killers and warm, cuddly things. sleep also sounds like a good option, even if he did have a nap only a couple hours ago or so. it's quite the miracle how much he can sleep. <3 <3 

it's 3AM, she won't put out.

with all his random escapades he doesn't even know how he's managed to get so boring. maybe he started having fun too young, maybe he needed to establish a better relationship with people that he had to actually try to get along with in order to keep the fun going. somehow he's managed to stop the majority of even the sober fun, the playing on playgrounds and climbing trees, the conversations that make compete sense to only the two of you. he's managed to make it so that he can only have that kind of fun on special occasions. he misses those days of constant entertainment, constant fun, constant reminders of just how much he was living as much as he possibly could. he misses the confidence to just live without regrets, without over-thinking every move. all he's asking for is a little bit of that confidence to make that kind of fun happen again.  with the minutes counting down until he's not allowed to eat for 30 hours, he finding everything so much more inviting. he's just hoping he can watch the clock closely enough to stop eating at midnight.  <3 <3 

when the bee stings.

the wind outside his window keeps picking up, leaving him a little more scared than he should be. he's hungry, tired and really not someone to fuck with right now. at least he's done his homework and visual essay. that's the hard part, now he has to deal with the rest of it. he could just fall asleep and be ready for more adventures in the morning. instead he'll think of food and keep tumbling and such.  he's got about 24 hours before he stops eating for the 30 hour famine. he's excited, but he doesn't want to appear too overjoyed. he just wants the week to be over and to have time away from his mother. he needs the school to stop, even if only for a little while.  he's dying in trying to get everything to work in the little time he has. there's just so much to do that he doesn't quite know what to do with it all. the list of things he has to do seems to be getting longer, even with he starting to work through it. nothing ever seems to go right because how all  the world if conspiring to make that much more homework and projects and tests.  <3 <3  

I'm just doing what comes naturally.

he's been so tired since he's  gotten back to school. it's not even the waking up early or the amount if homework, it's the getting up to be around people all fucking day. he's not good at the whole social thing in person.. or on the phone.. or on webcam. he's getting so worn out just looking for ways to get it done faster so he can go back to being anti-social. naps and food and Internet seem to be the only things that really matter to him at all.  no matter what he does there seems to be something that keeps him from completing a goal. either his energy level or what is being served or just life in general. he isn't even making sense anymore, he's so preoccupied with trying to stay alive and semi-sane.  his tears make their way down, the stories of their weary eyes are a little bit in hiding. nothing seems to make sense anymore at all. he cat even get his shit together to work on monologues and such. he can't even reach to where he wants to be in his dreams. every few seconds he finds himself dozing off, eyes closed, not remembering how that even happened. in the mean time he'll just slip it's a state where something actually interests him <3 <3 

the sun goes down.

if there's one thing he wants more than anything, it's peace, closely followed by love. the two together are the only reasons he will put up with the human race for long enough for life to happen. he has his bad days, where he needs to get away and even though he needs the physical contact he can't stand the people around him that he's trying to get it from. he has days where even the most dear of people are horrible in his mind. he has those days where the only way he can have any sort of conversation and not want to either slap them or pull off their head afterwards is if he were to be having the conversation online or through texts. the sounds of voices make him hate the entire race, the call of the savages. all he asks for is no more fighting. he just wants everyone to get along or move to somewhere that they can.  he's so tired of the bullshit. no matter how many times people come, they are full of bullshit. the one true fact he can always agree on. sometimes he wishes he could just run away to some far away land and never look back once he leaves. it would be beautiful. <3 <3 

every day I see my dream.

more than anything he wants people to look at him and see him as the personification of the word faggot. not in a bad way, well maybe a little, but just queer enough that he could pass as a definite male-bodied poof with extremely feminine tastes. he wants every muscle, bone structure, curve, and stubble growth as a cis-male. he wants the pronouns and the acknowledgement as what he is. he wants to be able to wear skirts and make-up and still have everyone in the room know that under the not-so-hiding disguise is a physical male. he wants to be that really bad image the trans* community is given of a not-passing drag queen that looks like she's playing dress-up, except with the will to claim a male identity with the feminine presentation. he knows that the world would never understand, that it's difficult for even people of the community to accept such an off-the-wall gender expression.  he's ready to sleep for months, ready to just let everything wash up over him. he's not ready to go back to a scheduled lifestyle where he has to learn about things someone else chooses for him on subjects he doesn't completely want to be there for. he sits through classes of just hearing about every boring detail, never getting to the parts he signed up for the course for. he's too tired to keep seeing any part of anything. farewell, spring break. <3 <3  

don't say maybe.

he's trying to just breathe and not go deeper into this attack of emotion for her, but every time he sees her face or her name comes up in conversation or he sees pictures of her with other people, he wants to cry. he wants to scream and ask why not him, why can't she be with him. he knows if anything were to happen between them he would have to learn to let her spend time with friends, but at least he'd know that she's his. he could live with that knowledge as long as he could hold her and tell her he loves her. any time he tries to bring it up she manages to change the topic or not respond or whatever. it's pathetic how much he depends his life on one girl like that, one girl who can make him hate her so much at times with their differences.  one night and not even half a smoke and he's running back to the days when lady nicotine was all he could dream of. he missed the smoke curling down his throat, the head rush every once in a while when he'd done a bit of chain-smoking, the way he could open up and talk to people without a fear. his confidence has grown a little since those days, making it easier to talk to people without having had a smoke beforehand. he still misses it, mainly menthols. he felt so classy inhaling the minty smoke while everyone around else was smoking golds and blues.  <3 <3 

if you want to.

he can't even do emotions. he winds up back to being on good, better than good terms with the girl who was so much in his life, the girl he wouldn't be who he is today without. he wants to go right back to where they'd left off but he can't even begin to imagine what going through that would be like in his new life. everything has changed and she's so much the same despite being older and more.... experienced.  he's hitting a crossroads between the girl he used to be and the man he's striving to become. it's just all so complicated being stuck between so many more major issues at once. everything is turning into something much more complicated and chaotic than he first imagined.  <3 <3 

knock me wholesome.

he's almost done spring break and he has almost nothing to show for it. he's almost finished a few scholarship applications, he's done a photo shoot, he's watched a bunch of doctor who. he hasn't started on any homework, he hasn't looked at his script, he hasn't given a fuck. he's all alone for two weeks and he can't stand the pictures up on Facebook of everyone else's adventures. he can't stand the parties and the shinanigans people get up to where he wasn't invited, where people have stopped talking to him since he moved. he just wants to run away and hide. <3 <3 

girl I wanna take you to a gay bar.

more than anything he just wants to see bits of the world that won't make him angry at humanity. he wants to forget the times that life was shit. he wants to forget all the rejection and emotional bits, the rollercoaster of a childhood, the amount of bullshit he's had to get through to get to this point. he wants people's expectations to disappear so that he can be free to creatively interpret how he can present and such. he will fuck with gender and all that shinanigans.  he's too tired to figure out his feelings on anything just now, although he can manage a not to remember them, therefore not needing to know the source <3 <3 . 

we're all dead inside.

he hates the environment he's in. he hates the fact he has to get shit done, hates that the heat is always cranked the fuck up so he can't breathe properly, hates that he has no one to keep him to a schedule or functioning properly or something of the sort. he's spending his days watching doctor who and eating cookies and chocolate from a bag. he no longer has any sort of social life. it's been a long road from never home to never out. he's slowly been becoming a hermit despite his better judgement. he misses the real life out there with real people and talking in actual voice instead of typing. he misses the laughter and booze and smoke in the air of the nights he'll treasure as his social high. even when it was just two or three other people, he misses just being out with people and spending time with them.  <3 <3 

end of the world.

he knows he has to give her up, but he can't seem to stop feelings. he's been fighting them for over a year but that doesn't change anything, if anything it makes his emotions want her more. he's just so tired of feeling so incomplete. he's so tired of not being able to feel positive emotions anymore. he wishes there was someone he saw frequently who understood just how important it is for him to have regular physical contact. such a simple thing that goes so unnoticed in his group of friends. mostly he just needs stability, someone who he can rely on to be a consistent source of affection. most of the time he can't even rely on having people in general around to keep him from going into a lonely, self-hatred-fueled state. he honestly doesn't care if they love him, just as long as they are there as a friend, as a second family, as a lover, it doesn't matter which anymore, he just wants someone to be there. for the first time in months he's on the edge. he can't understand how anything could go on, how anything could happen to get any better. the lies have gotten to him. he can't even manage to believe in anything but the emptiness anymore. hugs from stuffed animals and chocolate can only attempt to warm his froze core, defrost the horror of his emotions.  <3 <3 

I'll be there and you'll be near.

he doesn't have a clue how he's going to finish the year without dying. he has a week left before he goes back to school and then 3 months of getting his shit together. he's ready for it to be over now, not that that's what will ever happen. he his wants to spend the rest of his life watching shows online and not getting anything productive done. on the other hand he can't seem to function properly without the regular contact with humans. humans his age. humans he may or may not actually love. jeebus, he just can't stop thinking about her and trying to come up with reasons to start conversations out of nowhere. he just wants to be curled up with her in his arms and stay like that for forever. she doesn't seem to know he exists. well, she knows he exists but she doesn't seem to notice that his feelings for her do.  the whole world is a lot of area to cover. he can't begin to imagine just how big the world would be, only how out of all that space she is the one he wants to spend all his time with. even if it means traveling across the world with her, him not being fond of travel and all. it's scaring him just how much he's falling for her out of what seems like nowhere but in reality is a long time coming.  <3 <3 

how bad could it be?

st.patty's day and he spent it by himself for the most part. enough doctor who to keep him satisfied for quite a while, although he could always use more. he enjoys the escape from reality that shows give him, the characters he can get lost in. it helps him to de-stress with such a difficult year with school to deal with. he's letting it take over his life, the need to let go of all the worries. he's had more than his share in the past, he doesn't feel the need to have to many anymore. he's done at this point, so tired of everything that high school is. he's tired of the drama, the bitches, the cliques, the pressure of grades, the demanding extracurricular activities. he just wants to be done with it all at this point. he's done more than his fair share with how early he went to preschool and being a grade ahead in Japanese school. his whole life has pretty much been in schools and he's ready to move on, although this is just moving on to a new way of school. a bigger-scale, more personalized schedule with less personal professors.  he's had some time to think the last few days. he doesn't exactly know how to label it, but he understands his feelings about people a lot more. he has two categories of how he likes people: those who he finds aesthetically appealing but could never develop any sort of anything sexual with and those who he cannot feel attraction for before having a deep emotional connection. the first category consists of celebrities or people he sees on the streets or friends of friends he'd never talk to. the latter would be everyday people, people he would be able to talk to so that he can connect to them and then build an attraction. he has never been able to build that attraction with cis-guys because he can't emotionally connect with them. they see him as female and make everything this whole straight shinanigans. he's always been able to easily connect to cis-women and build the attraction faster than almost any other group. everyone under the trans* umbrella he can relate to and it makes it possible to connect and such. although he has a weakness for FTMs and some non-binary, female-bodied queers. with them it's almost like he turns to jelly the second they open their mouths. he almost doesn't need to build the attraction because he can understand their story so well. lately he's been able to connect to gay and some bi cis-males, throwing him off from what he's used to. <3 <3 

let it grow.

emotions don't even know how to stay away from him. he tries and tries, but then there are beautiful movies like the Lorax and it all goes to shit. he can't even function anymore. fuck. useless. the once-ler and the lorax are honestly the most adorable little cartoon couple to ever exist in everness. he couldn't care less that he may be one of only a handful who ship the pair, but that's okay because it sets him apart from everyone else. also. it doesn't help that the once-ler is the first male cartoon character he's been slightly attracted to. it may be the clothes. the green fucking tailcoat may have had him drooling at least a little bit.  having large popcorn, large drink, and large candy is not a good thing when whoever you're sitting with doesn't eat/ drink much of it. 1/2 a giant popcorn bag, 3/4 of a huge-ass root beer, and a handful of kitkat bites might have been the end of him if it weren't for the walk from 5 road to 4 road in search of a way home from one bus to home when the other bus is coming in AN HOUR because he has the worst luck in the world with buses. he rather enjoyed the time spent walking and being high on food and sugar. best sentences ever to come out of his mouth.  he really needs to have time to sit down and get through doctor who and catch up on list girl again so that he can start on firefly, misfits, community, warehouse 13, girl/girl scene, and a couple other shows, as well as watching the one's he missed of two broke girls. oh gods, his entire summer will be watching shows on his laptop. he doesn't know how he feels about this as he never was one for watching much tv before. the things he does to feel like he's somewhat normal for even the crazy group of people.  <3 <3 

left a scar size extra large.

of all the things in the world he knows that there are only a select few that would ever make him any bit happier. the easiest of those being tea and incense, along with British television. those seem to calm him even in a huge frenzy of emotions and self-hatred and anxiety. there is so much he needs to get done before going back to school, yet he doesn't have the motivation to even get started on any of it. he hasn't bothered to touch his homework, essay, or project. he's started on scholarships, although he hasn't gotten around to doing much else. he hasn't even finished a single one of them.  he was hoping to be more productive than he has been, although with so much on his mind he doesn't even know when to start, as well as it being spring break so that he doesn't have time away from his mother to just focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without being interrupted and not having to sneak out or stay up till the crack of dawn without her finding out in order to get anything done. it's quite sad that he's quite often just snuck out at night to do homework in his past. granted, he'd do most of that homework after a few hits off a blunt, but it was to get the homework done that he'd sneak out. that was how he made it through highschool so far. last tear his grades suffered so much because he'd moved so that he couldn't sneak out anymore, that making it that much more difficult to get homework done, thus fucking up on everything. he wishes he could just have some time alone to get everything he needs done without all the deadlines and chaos of daily life. <3 <3 

I couldn't do nothing right.

there's all these emotions that he doesn't know how to stop. they weren't necessarily wanted in the first place and they aren't doing anything to better his life in the least. he wishes he could close his eyes and wake up with things making more sense, when friends aren't becoming objects of affection. he would give so much of the little that he has just to be happy with the way things are, just to not want anything more. he would give it all to be able to love himself the way he finds himself loving others, to be able to look in a mirror and not want to run away screaming, to not feel ashamed of himself for most of his life.  he's climbing a slippery slope, trying to find his way in a world where he doesn't seem to fit in the mainstream, where education can only get him so far. he's trying to make the best out of it all when he doesn't even agree with how the human race works. he's just praying to gods he doesn't believe in that in his next life he'll be part of some other, more peaceful species.  he can't seem to put in the energy into making anything of this wasted life. none of it makes any sense, so he waits around for some sort of direction, some one who can vocalize his feelings of discontent with humanity, someone who can tell him how to get back to nature now that he's tasted all these new technological advances. he's scared out of his mind to take a chance then realize he's made the wrong decision.  <3 <3 

oh what a thing to do.

he's ready to get his new passport now, all the forms sent in and just waiting to be processed. somehow he's hoping against all logic that it'll somehow get there before spring break is over so he can make a spring break trip down to the states. it is highly unlikely though. a boi can hope as much as he likes, doesn't mean anything will happen. it's getting to the point where he doesn't know how to control himself around her anymore. he can't say anything but he'll just latch on and not let go and it takes every bit of his will not to kiss her. he's rather pathetic and she gets that much, but she can't seem to wrap her mind around the extent of his patheticness when it comes to being around her. he isn't quite sure if that's serving he's thankful for or not. at least she doesn't see him as making a complete ass out of himself, but it would be a lot easier on him if she could understand how much he is not joking. he's tired of trying to find a way to ask her out that she'll understand as more than friends hanging out. he's just never felt things for anyone so completely different from him in almost every way, who has such different views  on almost every subject. <3 <3 

she says good morning.

he had to wake before the sun yet again. daylight savings isn't working with him this time of year.. he hates being so tired in the morning and finding his car broken into doesn't help matters. starting another shitty Sunday with having his passport and NEXUS card stolen is not the way he wants to spend his spring break. he can't do anything, can't go get gas in the point, can't even go to Ashland for the school trip if it isn't sorted out in time. his car wasn't the only one, 2 others reported break-ins in the same style. at least he gets another shot at passport pictures. all his picture ID will have his short hair, no real evidence of his past. at least try caught him, only they didn't find the things he was missing, just other's belongings. funny how that works out. he's just scared of identity theft for now. he just turned 18 and he already has to worry about that.  another sexually frustrated Sunday night where tumblr is filled with porn. he can't seem to figure out why, but every week it's the same. although his friend of sorts was threatening suicide, something he know all too well. sending love her way was a good moment of the night. honestly the only major good thing if the day was the doctor who marathon he had when he woke up from his nap. there are some things that are just worth it.  <3 <3   

the other one's giving a peace sign.

he's off for spring break and all he wants to do is sleep, he can't handle more of life without a bunch of rest. he doesn't even know how he made it far enough to be in bed, even if it is fully dressed and with his backpack from the last hellish day in two weeks laying about where his feet should go. nothing bothers him at this point if it means getting to sleep. <3 <3 

at the end of the rainbow.

he remembers grade 8 French class. they all had to pick "French names". all he wanted was to be Guy, but he wasn't allowed because that was a "boy name" and he was a "girl". that's the first time he decided he didn't want to be a girl, at least not full-time. from that day he called himself a weregender, girl by day and boy by night. his little 13-year-old self had no clue what that meant. from grade 8-10 he continued this, nearly convincing kids that his genitalia grew outwards as the sun went down, shooting back inside at daybreak. he was happy like that. when he would play gendered games after nightfall he would switch teams to play with the boys because he could get away with it, somehow that made all the games more fun. it all came to a grinding halt at the end of grade 10. at that point he was starting to identify as a lesbian. he fell for a lesbian who would just completely stop flirting with him if he mentioned his male side. so he hid it all away, saying that only happened in places they spoke French (France and Quebec). eventually he just stopped mentioning it at all. when that relationship came to an end the ex started to question their gender. still he didn't try to rekindle the good feelings of being weregendered. grade 11 came along and he was thrown into a new city, new school. he was the only queer kid he knew of, until the girl. still, in such a small community he started to suffer by himself, blogging away his only mentions of questioning gender. writing being his first language, he did most of his thinking that way. over the months he'd forgotten about his little name for his gender the first time he decided not to stick to society's  label. now he's remembering, realizing how true he was years before he could really see it.  <3 <3 

time will not erase.

he was moved to tears by the movement, by the video. then he went about caring so much. until hours after he had not sat and processed the video. he likes the ideas, he understands the horrid living conditions, but after this it might not end. even bringing peace and stuff to them would mean coming closer to completely exhausting the Earth's resources. he's afraid to tell his peers who put so much into this one activity that as much as he will help them in supporting the cause, he has other causes that he will be pouring his energy into first. he's scared that if the world gets the type of peace he's striving for, there will be bigger problems for the world that there are currently. are human rights worth the death of us all? he can't decide on his own.  he's come so far from just wanting to be close to her. he's gotten to a point where an arm around her waist, fingers interlocking is not a case to bat eyelashes at. it's normal, it's comfortable. he wishes there were things other than that that were easy to initiate without putting himself too far out, things that could communicate feelings. things that could help him tell feelings. he's so tired of being the one that can't get it together. he's so tired of looking for a way to be together that they may never play.. he's too tired for this shit. that's all he knows at this point.  <3 <3 

gave away the ending.

his level of energy for life, work, play, almost anything is decreasing. he can't seem to find the motivation to do anything other than eat, sleep, interwebs, and talk to/ think about her. it's getting out of hand. all he wanted was to get through the year but he got do much, too much, now he's too tired to care. sleep will always win no matter what.  <3 <3 

somebody that I used to know.

he's not ready to do anything productive for the next few weeks. he's unprepared for anything outside of being lazy and interwebs and british telly. he's supposed to get some shit done, a project that he has no idea how to go about completing, some worksheets he doesn't have the patience to finish, as much as he'd like to stay home all day he knows that the has places to be and things that are slightly more entertaining than shitty school work except that school work is the only part with a due date.  each moment he's waiting for her to return to a space where he can tell her of all the things his heart, his mind, and his body want to do to her. on all counts they are numerous, each and every single one of them he's sure that she'd rather enjoy. not that he thinks that just because it's him she'd be putty in his hands, quite the opposite. it's just the fact that he's still living in a dream world where everything is much better than how the world is right now. he could love and be loved and have that open connection. it would be beautiful.  <3 <3 

I've never felt like this before.

he is more than a jumble of letters making up a name, more than the sound it makes. he is more than the labels others stick on him consciously or not. he is more than the words he says, who he fantasizes about, the actions he does, or the friends he makes. he is a soul with many sides, a lover of the world, an adventurer. he is things that there are not words for, things that no one knows yet.  his day was just another day. he went to go drop off a pair of beets that no one wanted into a donation box only to be stopped by a homeless lady with her cart. he's met this lady, she had been a beautiful model in her day. then the drugs took over and took everything she had, her looks, her mind, her money. he'd given her a smoke a few summers ago. there's no way she would remember him from then. anyways, she stops him, asking what's in the bag and he shows her and she asks if she can keep them. somehow, knowing that her feet will stay warm tonight because of him makes him smile a little wider tonight. <3 <3 

a dirty town gets me down.

he can't seem to do anything properly. he spends time trying to figure out how to ask girls out and they don't really get the fact that you mean as more than friends by the time he's done. he tries to be a gentleman and just gets his heart trampled. there isn't much he's been able to do without so much as a hint.  he's been a little more than burnt out all day. everywhere he turns is another reminder of just how tired he is of the same happenings, of the world beating Jim down until he can only sleep. nothing else seems to work anymore.  he could write a novel about all the things he wants to get done over this weekend that he knows will most likely never happen. just because he knows how lazy he gets and how much homework he has to get done. he's already changing the format of his project to the easier one so that he can get it done without just falling asleep all over it.  he wants to just let loose and put his hair up, chop it off so that the world could see his tattoo, all pretty and healed. it's tempting to make the whole world see how much he's putting into life. fuck, he can't ever figure out if he's awake or not right then and there. <3 <3 

we can be complete again.

he's ready to just let go and let himself float along to the end of the school year. the amount of effort he's put in just to have to keep going on with the very same path of tired. it seems a little pointless right before a break when it seems like he never had that break. he doesn't mind, except it keeps him stressed. the good part of school is giving him chances to be in contact with her. my that that's his only cause of wanting to be in school, just the main reason he can think of right now. he's able to keep going because of the people suffering alongside him. he wants to hold her just to know that they're both okay with the amount of shit going on in grade 12. the strike is going to take place, giving him a bit of extra time that he needs to work on his bio project. in a way he's grateful for that, but it sucks that when he needs to be getting marks and focusing, all this shit is happening. it still doesn't look real.  <3 <3 

get to purest hell.

in all the chaos, he's not been able to really do much to calm his heart. the shameless flirting with everything that moves hasn't been working so well as a cover. he wishes things were easy, that his heart and his head could work together to make the butterflies make sense. he's practically begging himself to stop feeling emotions that have him more confused than ever. nothing seems to work, only waiting around for some sort of reciprocation.  the school system is making things all the more confusing with the rumors of all sorts of things happening within the BCTF that had never been discussed at all. everyone's trying to find the answers that haven't been given in the past. now the truth is starting to come out, leading to implications of hardships ahead.  his entire being is beginning to fall to sleep, being tired out long ago. all his energy has gone into the rest of life so that he is left to try to come up with a better solution. he's so tried, dragging himself to an upright position with all the effort he can put in. <3 <3