ok. so I am freaking brilliant. I managed to sleep in till 4pm. yes, apparently 15 hours for sleep is a must. this is without trying, just not able to get out of bed and function. not sure if I'm a win or a fail... but not quite a whale fin. really feel like I should go eat something right about now. mmmm mashed potatoes or tortellini with butternut squash on top. maybe some smoked salmon. NOM. then top it all off with a piece of mud pie and chocolate fondue. that is pure bliss. eat away feelings, the best way to assure that I won't go crazy. and yeknow, maybe keep a little warmer for the winter.
so I'm slightly growing back eyebrows, they're still really sparse, but at least you can kinda see them when I don't have makeup to show them. that makes me kinda happy. maybe I can actually go places without having to spend forever to make myself presentable. oh how amazing that would be.
starting to dread my birthday a little. so many people in one place.. all pretending that they actually want to be there. that I'm not just some chore that they have to do, have to try to keep from going over the edge. it really isn't fair. to them or to me. but yet I'll try harder and harder to get them to really like me. just like how I'll never give up on my wife, no matter how much she turns me down, ignores me, and hurts me more and more inside in the process. I can be stubborn in the midst of my tears. that is one thing the world has learned about me very well.
need to break out of this shell, where everything is predictable and safe. I miss the days where I didn't know where I'd end up or with who. where I would just take off into the night and hope for an adventure greater than the last. where there was no end to the chaos we could get up to, the risk we could put ourselves through. the only limit was having to be back before light. many times I didn't quite make that, the sounds of the first birds of the morning were my cue to come back to reality and back to the boring old life I had to live out during the day. each night was when I came to life, a new person. I miss that person who I was. she didn't care about anything, there were no boundaries to what her life contained, she just let it all happen. even getting pulled over by cops, greening out so hard that she passed out and woke up just to go barf, or getting caught couldn't stop her. what is fear? why do I feel it now when that girl inside me never did? why can't I bring her back?
there is just one major thing I wish I could do without a second thought: take off and go to meet friends. go stand outside my wife's house with flowers and such for hours until she finally starts talking to me again, meeting up for derby, helping those "friends" through hard times, being there for the memories that I couldn't miss out on and still call myself part of the group, actually going to gab and meeting all these new kids that help me feel at home with myself. the possibilities are endless. if only I wasn't afraid of the wrath of my mother, if only she would allow me to go live my life like that. no, I let the fear take over and don't even bother to ask anymore. just another wuss in the world, only worse, I think I'm different, I think that I can stand out and make a change.
as we discover more and more about ourselves we want to change how others perceive us. although, they have a picture of us stuck in their heads, of our pasts. we cannot make them see us as we are, as our future will be. so we hold ourselves back and return to how we were before. then we wonder why we are never happy, why things never change for the better. why we can never achieve what we set out to do. we are a fucking stoopid race. yet we think we are so much smarter than anything else, so much better then any other species. really, we should all die, allow the world to live on without us getting in the way, but for some reason humans fear death, think of it as the end, can't see the bigger picture. for that we deserve death even more.
<3 <3
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