make them cry.

he wants to get out there and make a change. he just doesn't know how he can with the short leash he is kept on. for most of his life he's been taught that he's too young to do much, that he can't make much of a difference as one person towards anything. he just wants to get into 'real life' so that he has the freedom to take a stand against things and to possibly get shit done. when he gets out of his mother's grasp he can finally be free to be the person that he's been to afraid to let anyone else see. the masks he's been putting up will start to come down, leaving him to be just the person inside. he's terrified and overjoyed all at once. maybe he can finally come out to everyone once he has the space to grow into accepting just how he is without trying to be anything else.  another day goes by without him saying anything much about it, even though it's slowly tearing away at his soul. he's gently reminded them a few times, but nothing drastic enough that they've understood exactly why he needs to be addressed by the right pronouns, nothing enough to help them understand gender the way he hoped they would. he knew that he couldn't turn them into gender geeks like he is, but at least if he could get them started on the right path so that they knew the basics... in a way he's hoping for a strike next week so that he gets the extra time to work on projects and delay tests, on the other hand he doesn't know if they'd make it if there were to be a strike and his mother were to be on $10 a day strike pay. it's a difficult place to be in. he can't wait for it to all be over. <3 <3 

suckered you but not your friends.

another shitty Monday and he can't seem to get his head to do the work that his conscience tells him he'd better get started on. he's getting so close to a place in his life when he feels comfortable with everything and then he has to go and leave the confines of his room and meet the outside world. that world scares him because it means that there are other people who don't seem him as the boy he is inside, but rather the awkward female trying to shed layer after layer of skin and recreate the body his mind tricks him into believing could be his. he's been in the school system long enough that if the government wants to fuck over the teachers and the kids, they won't bother to give a fuck. the government will never consider the students to be important enough to spend the much-needed money to create a system that actually works. he's had it with how badly the government has dealt with educating the children, he's appalled that no better plans have been put into effect or even brought into discussion.  <3 <3 

the painful scream that I heard last.

he's never been one for awards shows or glitzy things. fuck, the only reason he liked going to hollywood was because of Venice Beach. well... and taking a picture with the Beatles' star on the walk of fame, and LA was just nasty. the people and the litter and skrjdjdjd. quite frankly he's stated well away from any awards, most celebrity gossip, and other shinanigans. then he started to become this person he hates that can't go 10 minutes without checking in online or going on tumblr. it's very sad and he hates it, but then everyone was liveblogging and he ended up watching it all and fanqueering over the handful of celebrities that he does know the names of and enjoy. he's becoming this person he doesn't recognize and he knows that most of it is to find common ground to talk to her about. if only the whole opposites attract thing didn't apply to his situation, things would be a fuckload of a lot easier.  he managed to not do any homework, read, or start any projects this weekend. somehow he is completely okay with this. he doesn't even know how to express the amount of fucks he doesn't give anymore. at the beginning of a new term he can't help but to be ready to take a nap at every spare moment, he's too fucking tired from putting in effort for the end of term two.  <3 <3 

lookin' at me, yeah me.

he never thought he'd enjoy himself so much on a night out with the crew he's been so judgmental of. he'd spent so much time trying to distance himself because of the amount of stupidity going on with them that he had forgotten how much fun it could be to just kick back with the guys like that. despite yet another night of being misgendered, he couldn't have asked for more. he knows if anyone's going to take him seriously about the pronouns then he's going to have to be a little more forceful until they can get it right on their own. it terrifies him that he has to actually stand against them on something as simple as pronouns to get them to understand how he feels about them. it sucks and he's scared to say anything, but he knows he has to. the weekend is coming to a close for him, back to work and then to school the day after. he misses the carefree days of summer before he had to worry about school or work or anything like that. he misses sleeping in almost every day and doing things however he pleases. he can't wait to be done with school and get out on his own or with roommates or whatever so that he can have the freedom of organizing his own schedule to allow for less shitty hours.  he can almost say that he loves her, yet she turns the other way. he's yearning after what he cannot have, hopelessly falling into the trail she leaves behind. some days she turns to him and there's a moment where he wonders how he could have ever doubted any affection, then the next it's as if it were all a dream. it screws around with his mind until he can't focus on anything else, yet he knows he needs to be okay with it if anything is to become of it. he can't change her, he can be okay with that, he just needs to know that she'll keep coming back to him on the days she is doing better.  <3 <3 

you're all skin and bones.

a night without interwebs and he doesn't know how to deal with the world. getting caught up takes all the time he has to give plus a little extra, causing him to fall behind somewhere else. he hates the fact that he has such an addiction. he should be able to function without for a few hours, for a few days even. he doesn't know how he'll ever get back to being able to go camping and whatnot if he goes crazy being away from interwebs so long.  he realizes how much he really misses dance. sure, he wasn't the best, but at least it felt good when he got it right. having the ability to make beautiful things with his body AND being able to fill in DPA without lying was good times. so what if he'd show up high every once in a while, he enjoyed it no matter how much he would fight it. dance was one of the things that saved him in the end, through the bullshit of grade 9 and the aftermath of grade 10.  his heart wants to create some beautiful new way to express where he can creatively do some hardcore make while still wearing whatever manly clothes he finds suitable. he can play both a male and a female at the same time, or neither one. he has so many genders to choose from that there's can't be just one at a time.  <3 <3 

everything you do.

the rest of the world makes it look so easy. then he goes to try it out, see how this whole life thing works, falling flat on his face. for once he wants to just hang out and do something fun, then everyone leaves. left to his own devices in a building filled with loud voices he doesn't overly care to hear, he freaks a little, his mind knows how to enter a new level of panic. the fuzzies take over and he's helpless, trying to continue to male his way through his day in the midst of an ambuzzled state. they won't calm down, then he tries to let his mind wonder away.  she's so close, yet so out of reach. the emotions are there but she can't feel, can't respond to the way they make him feel. she stares in waiting, he stares at every inch of her to memorize the way she holds so much for him. they say opposites attract, they say that Sherlock and Watson were meant to be together, but the problems won't die down.  personal puzzles to solve on his free time allow for some sort of spark in his mind. he likes the challenge of playing with letters. it's one of the few times he's completely focused on one thing. it's a good feeling. he can't wait to dive into each new adventure.  <3 <3 

don't stay home.

he's starting to feel as though he can catch up to everything going on in his life, except he knows that it's all a lie, that when he gets there he'll have to start all over again. he's getting more into the things that he enjoys in life and not just the shit that the school system and society are forcing down his throat. he feels useful in a way, no matter how bad his grades seem to look.  he's realizing all the trips he has planned for the next few months, there's always so many more than he would expect. Japan or possibly just Alberta next month, Ashland in April, Whistler for a weekend in May, maybe campOUT in July, some grad trip over the summer. he doesn't like the thought of being in new places too much, although he can deal for the amazingness of how much he loves it all in the amazingness. he can't even wait to see everything about them. this week is starting out to be long and drawn out. he can't help but to want to sleep. the only things keeping him awake are lack of comfort, fear of missing moments, and the workload. he could just crash anywhere art this point. <3 <3 

as I write this letter and shed my last tear.

he quite enjoys the mornings, the fresh air and first rays of sunshine through the darkness. he can't help but to love every moment of it. the only problem is that there aren't many hours between when the beauty of the middle of the night and that early, early morning and it's expected to be sleeping during them. this way he doesn't get enough sleep and can't appreciate the mornings for what they really are.  he can't wait to be part of the days and nights of Tokyo. every time he stops to talk or think about it, the excitement grows. he just wants to know when he's going exactly so that he can allow himself to get caught up in the awesome that is actually going. without a date in sight he can't completely allow himself to get too excited and face disappointment if it doesn't go through. all the things he wants to see and all the places he wants to go within the area are beginning to explode within him, yet he doesn't know if he should allow himself to feel such things. it's all happening so fast that he doesn't even know.  <3 <3 

just leave those thoughts behind you.

he wasn't sure at the start of the day how things would turn out. he was tired and didn't like the rain and wasn't sure about having so many people he didn't know around. people he does know make him anxious enough, people he doesn't know make him flip the fuck out. thankfully he does know how to be social when big groups are broken into smaller groups and he didn't feel too overwhelmed for long. as long as she was there and he could hold her for a second every so often he was fine. putting up posters and taking pictures and adventures to bookstores and sushi was surprisingly exactly what he needed to unwind a little bit. meeting new people in the area (somewhat) that he could relate to and look up to in their skills of technology and such was the best thing he could possibly do for himself. these people, he can see himself having good times with.  he spent too much money over the weekend. he knows he needs to be saving for college next year, but he usually doesn't spend much at all. he only splurges once every 2-3 months. those splurges are usually only about $80-150 spent over a weekend. the rest of the time he finds it hard to justify spending money more than $10-15 in a day. and even then only once every week or two. more days than not he ends up spending nothing. he lives off giftcards and holiday money, putting most of the money he earns into savings.  <3 <3 

there he goes.

after a day of getting his male swag on he thinks he's just about ready to take on Sherlock Vancouver meetup. the only problem is that he can't seem to find guys jeans or other bottoms that fit.. or that he can afford. other than that and a desperate need for a haircut, he's set. it gives him hope that he has a chance to pass sometime soon. he's been hoping for that all along, so far he's succeeded once, almost twice. that time being like a drug to him, keeping him hooked.  meeting new people will give him that chance to introduce himself as that man he is inside. nothing could make him feel good like that in such a short time. his heart fucking soars everytime Facebook calls him by male pronouns, let alone people.  in the mess of that excitement is the main deal, excitement over Sherlock. he's printed out posters and he's ready to get the party started. if only he had tape. and enough sex appeal that she would actually care when he flirts with her.  <3 <3 

make it easy.

he's too lazy to write, too tired to think, too busy waiting for her to pay any attention. the things flowing through his mind don't make it past the point of complete exhaustion.  <3 <3 

sleep with candles burning.

he's trying so hard to make it so that he doesn't have to do anything drastic. it's his final year of high school and all he wants is to be surrounded by those he loves and have a good time. he doesn't get what's so hard about that except that his mother is just trying to make it difficult for him. he knows how to be safe. he's been down the road of drowning sorrows in booze and drugs and sex and high-risk adventures. he's been through the craziness of hell and back. he's trying so hard to just let life take over and be a good thing instead of looking over every detail in everything to make it perfect. he's so tired from holding in all the things he wants to do. he could collapse under the pressure of it all, but he keeps going every day for some unknown reason, keeps hoping there's something better, some kind of future for him.  he takes all the energy he can manage to muster up at once and uses it to try and make things happen. he tries to be who she wants so that she'll want him, he tries to be there for everything she needs, he tries to help everyone who needs it as much as possible. eventually he is stretched so thin that he doesn't even recognize himself. all the moments that he's wondered what it's all for, he feels the dread backing back into his life. <3 <3 

and you're no friend of mine.

he didn't know what he expected, a day of confessions and love and magic? he knows he should try to seem a little more down to earth, except dreaming big has been the only thing to keep him going anymore. maybe he knows that if he could just hope for all he could ever need then he might one day be able to achieve it all. maybe he knows that he doesn't know what he's talking about anymore a majority of the time due to the fact he doesn't sleep enough. all the good things in the world wouldn't work to keep him awake. he needs to be left to sleep and regain all the energy. <3 <3  

he asked for a 13 but they drew a 31.

he really did expect it to hurt a little more, he expected there to be the prick of a needle going all the way through like a piercing for every little section of the tattoo, instead it was like a dull buzz with some pressure on the area. he won't say that he's expecting all his future tattoos to be the same way, just this particular area was quite easy and almost calming. he could've slept through the whole process without waking up if he had been able to sleep. he knows his next one will be a lot harder, bring on the inside of his wrist. although he does have quite a bit of time till then, seeing as he'll most likely have to have his own place and/ or have graduated high school in order for that to happen.  this time he first know what came over him exactly, he knows dehydration might have been a cause, mixed with sleep deprivation. one second he was ready to go and just worried about getting back to school on time, the next his vision was clouding over to the point where it completely blacked out and he could feel his body swaying side to side. he tried to lie down, but not being able to see anything made that a little difficult and he just kind of collapsed into a pile on the chair. after a moment he started to gain vision again and lay down properly, finally regaining normal vision and temperature.  with valentine's day arriving any moment he can't help but to hope for the best. all his little sherlockian valentine cards are made out, other plans put together, and he's nervous as fuck. he can't help it. the prospect of trying to explain his attraction to a close friend is more scary than the tattoo blackout incident. he's almost thinking that something along those lines might happen again. if only he could read her just a little better.  <3 <3 

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.

everything goes numb. he can't seem to remember what was important before, just that all the nerves in the world wouldn't be enough to equal what he'll be feeling tomorrow. not only is he going in for his first tattoo without telling his mother, but on top of that tomorrow is the first day of the trial for the fucking asshat of an excuse for a RCMP officer who fucking drove drunk whilst off-duty and killed his brother. sure Orion wasn't his blood brother, but with their parents dating for 7 years or so they were pretty much siblings. the most proud moment he remembers feeling was the time when they ordered pizza and Orion nonchalantly called him "sister" (because at that age he had no clue what anything but heterosexual was, let alone anything but cisgendered.) now almost 3 1/2 years after the accident that fuckass is starting trial and all the emotions are coming back up again.  since he heard there's been a sharp pain right in his forehead, impossible to ignore. every cell in his body has been uncomfortable, crawling until he knows that the maximum penalty has been placed on that excuse of a person. he wants to curl into and ball and forget the world, wants to run until physical exhaustion very nearly kills him. more than anything, he wants to destroy everything that humanity has become, everything that makes the world a horrible place to live in, everything that the societal norm has become. when it's all done he wants to just sit in the mess of what is good in the world, hold it close, and cry. real boys do cry.  <3 <3  

love of mine.

weekends are particularly useless these days. he does a little homework, gets dragged around to do things that aren't worth it in giant crowds (which pretty much petrify him), and goes to work for a few hours. the rest of the time is spent on sleeping, eating, tumblr, or watching shows/ movies. it's a nice break and all, but there really isn't much to do most of the time. the odd week there are actually events going on, he usually isn't allowed to go. then, on the very odd chance he can go, he gets overly excited and makes a total arse out of himself. it's basically the way things go and he's gotten used to this. he's got two things going down that he'll be doing next weekend and he doesn't quite know how to handle it. there will be moments where he'll have to almost physically hold himself down from scaring other people when he first meets them. he's surprisingly okay with that. he doesn't know how she'll react around him by then. things could be different for the better or different for the worse, he'll never know until he tries. so far there is hope that it'll be good, but there is the odd chance that it will all go to shit. he's scared about taking that chance, although he thinks it will somehow turn out okay. each deep breath he takes, hoping to any entities out there that things will turn out to be better than worst-case scenario. <3 <3 

and your mom's not home.

he's trying to keep calm, to deal with everything at once. he's trying so hard not to screw anything up that he feels it all slipping through his fingers slowly. he can't help but to want to fix it all up to be perfect. there's so much in life he knows that he'll never end up making perfect, although he still can't accept anything less as quality effort. he can try and try for a lifetime, but if it doesn't ever turn out perfect he wouldn't even know what to do with himself. of all the ways to have things done, he chooses the hardest.  nothing seems to stop or break for any time at all. all of his life is going on full speed ahead, homework, projects, social life, post-secondary, drama, clubs, family, his need to write, ideas for art, trying to keep reading as much as he can. it's all things that he has happening, happening all at once. his knees are starting to buckle with the load, the weekend acting as a crutch to get him through to the next major break. he can hold on with the thought that next weekend is a three-day weekend, a weekend of rachel's birthday and Sherlock Vancouver meetup. he can drag himself through one more week if he keeps on thinking that. four days, after a two day rest, valentine's day being one of those days. he's almost ready to make things happen. he's in the process of working on ideas to make it all as smooth as can be. it could be the worst day ever, or one of the vest days of his life. he wot know until only arrives.  <3 <3 

down on one knee.

he can't contain himself much longer. the monster inside him just wants to be close and cuddle and hold hands. reality wants him to sit in a corner by himself and wish he could do something with someone. he's being pushed, forced away. physically, emotionally, in every attempt. he can't seem to get past the blockade keeping past and present together, without a new beginning.  he's looking for any way to break into a whole new section of life, but he's not seeming to find it. he can't find any of the signs, any way to make it happen, any reason he should be so lucky. it breaks his heart a little bit.  if only he had some sort of device to control his emotions, then he could deal with all of it himself instead of getting all muddled and confused in his head. he would be able to feel the things he's always wanted to feel and do. he wouldn't have this shadow of emotion hanging over him for much of his life.  <3 <3 

inside a zoo.

another late night out for improv. he doesn't even enjoy the events anymore, at least not with that group of people and their lack of caring. he wishes he could at least be at a school where they bother to do the events right and care enough to try if he has to be put through it. he just knows he can't enjoy it, even being the last one with those people. so he doesn't. and then he can't even be allowed to go to DQ and get icecream wit the rest of them. there's no point in him being in the shows if he isn't allowed to go to any afterparties or food get-togethers. he's tired of putting in so much work and never getting a break from it. it's always more and more that everyone wants, no matter how much he gives. he's drawn out to the very last strings, praying to hold on until marks cutoff is done with. all he's asking for is a little sleep and a little bit of a break to go and live life a little bit. he's been forced into a life of sobriety and rules, not really breaking free for years.  every time he goes to close his eyes, he keeps picturing how things could be if he was allowed to be himself without any of these silly masks put on by gender, sex, sexuality assumptions, without playing the part he seems to think they're looking for. <3 <3 

got me down on my knees.

he doesn't want to have to go through the trouble of coming out as something different every few months/ years as he discovers more about his gender and sexuality. he wishes he could just understand it all and pick a label so he could live in peace. he knows that won't happen. he pins down a gender that somewhat fits and then a whole new part appears and he's completely looking all over again. and then on top of that there's new layers to his sexuality that he's uncovering. he knows that being sexually attracted to the way someone looks is impossible for him, he can only be sexually attracted to the things they do to him. he can however be physically attracted to people, although it doesn't happen all too often, especially not with people he has the guts to try anything with. when he wants someone and it's someone he can actually develop real feelings with, he's only ever emotionally or romantically (or both) attracted to them. that kind of ends up making him imagine a physical attraction, because he knows he's never really been physically attracted to anyone he's ever dated/ kissed/ had anything that resembles anything with. until he built those emotions he never really saw any of them in that way. he kind of feels horrible for that and wants to make it up to them by playing the oversexed part they all seem to think he fills. yes, he does enjoy sexual remarks and jokes, but at the end of the day he's fine with cuddling or holding hands or whatever. the fun in sex for him is the kink, the game behind it. without the kink, he honestly would not see the point in any sex at all.   he's struggling to find a label that fits, considering his options. could he be what people talk about when they say sexual asexual? he'd have sex, but not because of sexual attraction. in the heat of the moment he might enjoy it, if tied up or whipped he would for sure.  then there's his gender identity. he thought agendered just about covered it, although now he's going more towards male. a very, very feminine male, but still male.  <3 <3  

all I can do is love you to pieces.

he can't exactly function properly, with the lack of energy forcing him to stop and take naps when he doesn't have the and the turning the heaters all the fucking way on all the time so it's a fucking sauna in his house. he just wants to go die in a puddle in everything that is bad about the world. at least that way it would make sense that he would be unable to function anymore, seeing as he'd be dead.  <3 <3 

where's that picket fence, love?

if he could tell the world one thing, he would tell them all about how much the world makes him want to give up. he would tell them that living things are living things and none of them deserve to be bullied or judged based on who they love or how they identify. he would fucking take on the whole world to let them know that queers won't stand down until every last homophobe has been proved wrong.  he would be able to deal with the day to day life without a worry, if only he didn't have to shove his gender down their throats in order to get them to listen to everyone every day for the rest of his life. he just wants to have pronouns he can deal with be used on a regular basis, he wants to just be the femmeboi that's been hiding away for quite some time.  all the other kids just seem to get on with their lives. they don't have to worry about if they're passing at all, if they even want to pass, if any of it was worth anything. they just sit back in all their cis-gendered glory, soaking it all in. he's not part of that lucky crowd, somehow missing all the cool factor in part to the inability to compete with cis-men. <3 <3 

you are the angel that I couldn't kill.

every chance he gets he'll spend being in a state of contemplation. he wants to discover everything about everyone, about all the things in the world. he wants to feel things and pinpoint exactly what happens to make that reaction, he wants to stimulate all the good parts of everything for her as much as possible. he wants to make discoveries in every curve and every crevasse of her body. she doesn't even know what's happening.  he's trying to take all the pain with no help. he wants to absorb it all, feels like he deserves all the pain possible just to prove he's man enough to take it. somehow it's just what makes sense. in all the world there are few things he can say that about, few things with enough truth behind them that he can let go and just believe in.  all the effort he's put into understanding everything seems to be just a little bit useless. he'll never compare to the cis-men with the budgets to dress in a more dapper manner, who don't have to sneak around to be able to purchase clothing from the "men's" section and stores. he can't help but to have his heart sink every time he hears girls talk about the hot guys with the muscles and the facial hair and the testosterone coursing through their bodies naturally. it kills him a little to know that's what they're talking about and he'll never measure up to those standards.  <3 <3 

just leave me.

he can't make up his mind about what he wants. or even what he feels. he knows that they both give him butterflies like he's only read about. he also knows what the smart choice is and that if he really thinks about it, there is no smart choice. there's sitting around to be confused or knowing there's no way it's right and hoping that somehow it'll work anyways. he just knows he'll never find out if he never tries and his emotions have never been so intense about anyone before. the problem is to decide which path to follow. it's freaking him out even more trying to figure that out.  reading about labels got him thinking about his own. there's so many categories to consider.. queer, gynosexual, panromantic, agendered, student, barista, sometimes actor, amateur poet, verbally anxious, hopeless romantic, child, friend, "bro", self-bully, recovering mutilator, trans*, facial hair-obsessed, town whore-turned- straight edge, partial introvert, explorer of everything, masochist, kinky, improvisationalist, non-domestic, cuddler. the list could go on for forever. the only problem would be that eventually he would get into the parts of him that would contradict completely. the parts that make him imperfect and human. <3 <3

and we live in a beautiful world.

at least he hasn't lost the ability to laugh at himself. he knows how much of a dumbass he's being and how much some people would enjoy punching him in the face. repeatedly. the fact that he is aware of it all makes it that much easier to continue doing what he is doing whilst also not getting injured. not getting injured is a good part of it all, except the fact that he's letting his guard down, letting a girl do whatever she wants, playing the part of putty in her hands. he's almost okay with the way this has been turning out.  he feels like he's starting to get through to the masses. today alone he's managed to reinforce the idea that he liked women into his old Japanese teacher's mind, convince his drama teacher to give him a male role no matter what, and understand just how ridiculously versatile his gender presentation can be no matter how much his gender stays the same.  <3 <3  

we look pretty normal, let's get back to that.

his motivation is worn out, spread way too thin, making it's way into the negatives. it's about that time of year and all the work is piled on for marks cutoff, not that report cards are coming out anyways. he's tired and dragging himself to stay awake for as long as he can. nothing seems to be working out how it should.  all the excitement in the world couldn't keep him focused on anything right now. he tries and tries, but everything is becoming such a blur. the days seem to go on forever, yet they all get mushed together. it's a complicated little world he lives in. his heart is pounding, hoping to see just one sign that his heart isn't yearning for no reason, that he has a chance. if he has no chance it's just another time his heart is waiting to break all over again.  <3 <3