there's no raindrops on roses or girls in white dresses.

oscars. hmms. you were alright. best part: this was a good year for lesbians.  :) that made me squee a little inside. not that I did out loud.. I just smiled and laughed. 
secondly, why does everyone seem to think that Natalie Portman is hot? she's pretty plain.. but then there's... uhm. what's her face?? chick who played Jackie on that 70s show, costar in black swan. yeah. that bitch is freaking gorgeous *drool*
Helena should have won supporting actress, because she's freaking awesome. GAHHHH. I mean, she was in 3 of the movies nominated for awards. alice in wonderland, Harry Potter, and the king's speech (which I haven't seen, but still, she's hot XD )
the musical part. fucking kick ass. made my life. I swear. even the twilight bit was EPIC!!!

other than that.. driving in snow isn't too bad. N test in spring break?? we'll see. NERVOUS!!!!!

shit. need to look up sketch scripts. and have one picked out for two people by 2nd block tomorrow. SHIZZ. how is that going to happen? I has no clue. hopefully Amos found something. or we are screwed. 

I wonder if I can go the whole school week without 'sexually assulting' my friends. I mean, that would be great for them, and make it so much easier to keep from wanting to jump someone's bones. although it'll take almost all of my self restraint and I will have no idea what to do with myself and become fully addicted to my iPod again. possibly even worse than before the whole gone for like.. 5 days thing.

rawr. FOREVER ALONE!!
why can't there be more available lesbians out here?? jeebus fucking christ on antalope.

anywayssssss... if you have questions, ideas, topics, or want to guess post titles', songs give me a shout 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes

<3 <3 

and I don't want to miss a thing.

snoooooooow. all over. white fucking powder. and it's freezing. yayyy. best part: I get to drive in it tomorrow. fucking driving lessons...

I kinda just realized how bad I am at being alone. honestly, I don't know how to be single. I just get all depressed and cling to any girl I can find. it's actually quite sad. I need someone to keep protected with love. or else I need to just man up and learn how to survive on my own.. rawr. FOREVER ALONEEE. it's been too long.. it makes me all sad inside. I shall proceed to shove my face with food to make the feeling go away. except I don't really have any good snacking food. and my microwave sounds like a firing squad every time I use it...

could really use some food right now. rice cakes. want you in my mouth. the chocolate chip ones. or white cheddar. they're both nommy. or bake cookies and eat them. like crazy. cause I like cookies a lot. white chocolate macadamia nut.. or those crazy-ass ones with the pretty stuff. or birdsnest.. or anything with toffee.

shiiit. I should be a fattie. but I'm not :( it suckkkks. I just want to eat my cake and stay warm too.

really should sleep before 2am at some time this week. oh well. I could always attempt to sleep for 1am tomorrow. challenge?? FUCK YEAHHH!!

best part of my day: falling asleep on my comfy chair while my mom was talking to me. that's just how much she rambles about how I'm a horrible person and can't do anything. makes me SLEEP

think I may have to go on a rampage of eating. but only have lollipops. and sunflower seeds. dammit. need to get a bigger stash of room candy/ food. think I might get a box of cereal or a huge-ass box of cookies.

on that note.... rawr.

give me a shout. send me questions, topics, ideas, and guess my post title's songs.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or message.

<3 <3

I make money, money don't make me.

footloose 2011. siiiiiiiiiiiiick shit happening there. and once again I miss dance. it sucks. on one hand I just want to dance and just not pay attention to anything else. I just want to spend my time working on it over and over until I can actually dance without having every more choreographed. on the other hand dancing just make me miss her more. it's hard...

so apparently film acting academy at sdss went to mr.young today. if only they'd gone a week earlier then we could've chilled. it would've been great. except... well she would still be totally ignoring me... which would hurt like a bitch. even more so than now..

why does it always come back to the same fucking thing?

anyways.. trying to clear out some stuff I don't need anymore this weekend. got a bag of clothes already. could put so much more in there. I try to keep everything, telling myself I'm going to alter it to look unique. and then I never do. they just sit there doing nothing. chilling..

need to stop being so addicted to interwebs.. honestly been torture these past few days without ipod. I am at a loss of what to do with myself. can't randomly check facebook, cant look things up, cant listen to my good music, can't type out a note or poem or whatever.. what did I do beforee?? I feel like I have no life. or social life. I had those before, now what am I supposed to do? and then trying to socialize with people, they're busy on their ipods/ smartphones. GAHHH. the world sucks.

sleeping in. looking forward to it. marks cutoff done. term 2 done. AP form handed in. course planning put into computer (even though I still have to talk to people about self study for AP psych...) EVERYTHING SEEMS DONE... then I look at my pile of homework. fuuuuuuuck. so much for good weekend. at all.

ask me questions.
give me iseas for what to talk about.
guess the song titles and artists for the quotes on my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes

<3 <3

you say it's not okay to be gay, well I think you're just evil.

ok. so. women. we get put down in society, we are the sex that gives birth (and all that fun stuff that comes with it), we get our self esteems crushed every time we think about holywood, people judge us no matter what, and worst of all, we don't have dicks to just pull out and ram chicks with.. yes, we sure as hell deserve the ability to have multiple orgasms. deal with it.

best part of my day?? FINISHED MY SCRIPT!!! that's right, no more actually writing. just editing. I'm soooo bloody stoked for being not so stressed.

hoshit. third term. as of monday?? kinda really really scary. the year is almost coming to an end. the year I thought I would hate every moment, but it's actually ok. I dunno if I'd be able to fit into my group of friends back home still. it's weird. I love them to death, but they're so different and distant. like back home people are moving forward, going on to their lives. and in richmond... it's all just halted. everyone has their place and everything just stays EXACTLY the same. yeah. that is why I am just the little feisty, pervy, immature dykeasaurus.

"raging raging.. BULL DYKE... raging."

need to find some time to just art freak out. because there's lots of random projects I need to work on. crafty things, sketchbookness, anything that crosses my mind. GAHHH ARTGASMS!!!

they say mirrors don't lie. but what if they do. the mirror always tells me I look somewhat decent, but the camera tells me I look like shit. what if all the mirrors of the world are lying to us? would anyone really care? would they spend more time slapping on an inch thick layer of  makeup? would they just stop trying? the eye doesn't lie. if only we could transport our eyes to other people and see from their point of view. oh the possibilities.

sleep is calling my name softly and slowly.

questions, topics, or guesses for post title's songs??
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment

<3 <3

shoosh girl, shut your lips.

finally finally finally gunna be done the first draft of my script XD
I am slightly really fucking stokeddd. hopefully it bring me to a higher A.

looking for a script for sketches in drama. need two person sketch. preferably monty python. shiiiit.

still not quite sure how to kill off my last character in my script. dammit. drinking bleach maybe?? rawr. scripts are evil. why the hell did I sign up for the class. takes up all my time and then I never get anything else done. blarggg.

doood. it would be awesome if we could just do the lumberjack song. it would make my day. like come on. monty python ABOUT british columbia in a bc school. FUCKK YEAHH. with an english drama teacher.

while searching ways to kill yourself for my script, I found this really sad website. it was basically a 13 year old boy asking the best way to commit suicide. and then people responded with all their stories of trying to kill themselves and there was so much shit going on in lives. most of them got raped by family, beaten, bounced around foster care. A few of them got deep into drugs. like crack and meth. fun shizz. made me feel like I have it so easy. I mean, I hate my mom, but she doesn't actually beat me (and she stopped throwing shit at me), she isn't a drunk or drug addict, and I can get away from her sometimes for school and stuff. these kids tried to kill themselves from the age of 9 or 10. they had depression from like age 4. it's just sad.

was just really fucking tired today. got home, eat a snack, read a couple chapters for school, and ended up taking a nap.. oops. didn't help that I woke up with like... a drool puddle on my shirt. nom. hate falling asleep right before dinner. but sleep is veryvery good. vietnamese coffee makes me be able to stay awake long enough to work on script and stuff though XD it's good stuff. keeps me alive and well. and not taking naps I can't afford to.

rawr. bitches be living too far away. need some chickas out this way. HOLLA!!!!
(yes I felt like being G for about... 45seconds)
but really. hot lesbians. richmond doesn`t bite.. well, I do, but you`ll enjoy it. =P

send yo questions. send yo topics. send yo ideas for post title`s song.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment.

<3 <3

I kno-o-o-ow I'm in lalalove with you girl.

bitchy dearest is at it again. gunna kill her one of these days. I swear if she doesn't calm the fuck down pretty soon shit is gunna go down. it isn't going to be pretty.
well, maybe it will. depends how the blood splatters.

it's funny how easy it is to see beauty in destruction. a mangled corpse, a charred piece of furniture, a ripped page. the imperfections just make it all the more beautiful. the smell of searing flesh has made my night bearable. the absurdity of the things that make me happy is a little scary. the penetration and push of a needle is like the release of a drug in itself. but only when being watched, just the pain on its own gets a little boring. the spill of blood. the way it flows, finding its own pathway along the skin and creating a crimson splash against the pale white. it brings the little bit of creativity to something so common.

I guess you just have to catch me at a good time, once I've pushed the first layer of emotion away, the one that appears whenever my mother is close by. underneath lies a layer where everything seems so amazing and beautiful and there is only the best in everyone. where I just want to make every bad thing that ever happened in the world, right again. make happiness prevail.

the world still isn't whole though. I miss her.. I find my mind wondering to thoughts of her multiple times a day. I know it's sad. but she really made the bad things disappear so that it was just her that my life became filled with. I wish I could surprise her, sweep her up, off her feet, and kiss her like she's never been kissed before. maybe some day. when the dust settles and there is a hope once again.

having an obsessive lily allen day XD that girl is amazing. and she can actually sing unlike a hell of a lot of the mainstream crap playing 24/7 these days. <3

I wish it could just be the wee hours of the morning forever. between 11pm and 5am is the best time. the streets are so quite and peaceful, the people you meet always have a good life story to tell, the solitude makes everything seem better (or worse, depending on your mood to start with), and nothing really needs to be done, it's all about just surviving in the moment. I love it. that is why I'm a night person. just to see how serene the nighttime is. love walks at like.. 2am

You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?
do you even need to ask? she'll always be the one I dream of walking with.

You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
centaur

What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
we have a good laugh about the past

You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size.
just a bit larger than a cabin. cozy enough for two. just the essentials. maybe a little splurge here and there, but not much.

Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
nope. there would never be anything to discourage visitors

You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the table.
there are scraps of paper. each has a piece of unfinished writing or artwork in progress.

You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?
plastic. it's an ikea cup.

What do you do with the cup?
scoop up a nearby spider and bring it back to its web

You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
the ocean. the waves wash up over my feet.

How will you cross the water?
why would I need to? I like the seclution

time for nikki to go off and do something else...

questions?? topics?? guess post title songs??
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment

<3 <3

I saw the sun die.

fail monday is fail. honestly, who decided that today would be nikki's mom bitches about every little thing nikki does wrong (apparently everything) day??
I wake up and am not get ready fast enough because aparently I'm not superhuman.
I forget she wanted to go get gas RIGHT after school so I make her wait like... 10mins longer. and that's the end of the world.
I don't drive fast enough for her or take enough risks while driving. (which makes me slow, annoying, and stoopid)
I'm too stoopid to remember to take the headlights off.
I can't pump gas by myself without being shown and not ask questions.
I can't hold freaking nexus cards out and window, unroll the window, and drive and still get both nexus cards to scan.
I don't read her mind and take the exact way she wants to get to a parking spot.
I do my homework instead of spending time with her
When I do my homework I take little breaks for facebook so my brain doesn't completely explode. (oh how dare I)
obviously that makes me the most horrible person in the world. and incompetent and immature. just because.
thank you mom, way to make me feel so good about myself.

can't help but think about how she might actually act differently about me if I were straight. she might not hate me so much. might not use every chance she gets to use me as a personal punching bag. she might even let me have a little bit of freedom. but that'll never happen.

apparently a lot of people base others on the way they look. just because when you look at me you see me as female, doesn't mean that I am 100% of the time. I may joke about my weregenderness. (where I turn into a man at night), but in reality I could feel female one day, male the next, and not be quite sure the day after. and then some other day just be.. not feel a definite gender to try and label at all. gender is fluid. it kind of really pisses me off how the world sticks everyone in a gender box.

missing the pit. I miss chilling there with awesome people, having a smoke, and having all the worries float away with each puff. but now it's gone. the people have graduated or turned against me, the school's going to shit, and the weather is just fucked up. besides the fact that I pretty much quit.. besides the odd one here and there.

I really just want to find some girl who lives out here for once. all the hot lesbians I end up talking to live in Alberta, the East coast, the Okanogan, Vacouver Island, or elsewhere really far.. please, just let there be lesbians in this area around my age. PLEASEEE!! I just need a girl to hold and keep safe from the world. to love and give everything she deserves. =P

questions, topics, guessing post title's songs??
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
of comment.

<3 <3

the opposite of war isn't peace... it's creation.

rawr. hello positive energy, you are still sticking around. somewhat.
then again, who isn't freaking out about courses for gr.12 and what to do after high school and shizz??

so yeahhh.. 1 out of.... 4 things to have done this week done. sadly, it's the one due wednesday, not the one due tomorrow or the one due tuesday.. although the tomorrow one is just sketchbook. tuesday is essay. 1 paragraph down, like 4ish to go. then have to finish rough draft of script for thursday.. hoshizz batman.

feels like it is time to go through all my clothes and get rid of everything I don't actually wear anymore again. which is actually quite a bit. sadly, I already got rid of over half a closet of hoodies, tonnes of tshirts, at least 5 pairs of jeans, some sweatpants, pile of too small clothes, and some shoes. all over the summer. now I look again and I'm still holding on to crap I'll prolly never wear again and haven't worn for over two years. so making three piles when I get a chance: keeping (and will actually wear), keeping (to make into something new because diy is fun like pudding), give away. then it's time to go boot shopping and vintage shopping/ thrifting. ehhhhrg. I know, I'm turning into such a materialistic bitch.. it makes me sad. but then I get something shiny or rainbow and it instantly cheers me up. and this is why I should never be given money, I will spend it all on pretty things and then forget about them like a week later.. or love them to death forever and get so attached that people get scared...

I realized how much I like the change that being at a new school this year has given me. people actually just accept me with no questions. they assume I've always known that I'm gay, and that I'm so different in every way. when inside I'm still just a little confused child. trying to figure out how to express herself, how to show the world what she's made of, how to just make it out into the real world. sometimes I feel so normal. just another soulless body floating through, giving parents, teachers exactly what they want. following the rules like a good little child. sometimes I feel like there is no difference in the way the word would view me or some person barely noticed, quiet in the back of the classroom. but shhh, it's a secret.

sometimes I feel I am not 'cool' enough to be given the labels people call me. lesbian. naws, I can't be that cool. I'm just another kid trying to make her way through life. unique. haha, I have parts of all my friends mixed up inside me. creative. I often find myself with a lack of inspiration.

unconditional love. it is sad how rare it is to find these days. most people are just wanting to get laid. or have fun. of love someone DESPITE their quirks. all I really want to find is a girl who can open her whole heart to me, accept me for everything I am and do, and love me FOR that. I want a girl who can be every bit as dorky as me, can make me laugh and smile, and can make my world brighten when she enters a room. I want a girl who will let me love her and spoil her and give her every ounce of my energy in affection. I want her to see how beautiful she really is every time she looks in a mirror, to see every amazing bit of life on her body, to appreciate every breath that brings her closer to me. I want true, unconditional love.

any questions? for my eyes only or for the interwebs to see.
any topics? always looking for new ideas so I don't get boring.
guess the song titles and artists for my post titles? you know you wanna.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes

<3 <3

I need you to keep time, just snap those fingers for me.

boys, you're nice and all, but I'd rather fuck your sister. 

it makes me happy how many people have stopped being clones of everyone else and gone on to have their own way of life, their own soul. it's great. yes, society is trying to force us all to be emotionless, working robots. thankfully there are enough people that are finally telling society to fuck off that this will hopefully change soon. the nerds, the rebels, the non-conformists, the artsy folk, we're all taking over. and there's nothing society can do to stop us. 

I want to go around town by myself in the middle of the night and have a long, deep conversation with everyone I pass. the strangers you find at that hour are the most interesting people you will ever meet. people who have lived a little, people who have an epic story to tell, people who've been through more than you can imagine. I used to sit at Tim hortons between the hours of 12midnight, and 4.30am. the people I met there are beautiful, they are unique, and they have helped me to apriciate everything that I've had the chance to do or see. lately, I've been forgetting all of this and just complaining about my life as if it were the only bad thing happening in the world. I need to spend some time with some new strangers, learning about new stories, and feeling their pain so I can once again remember just what exactly I have and what I should be thankful for. the sad thing is my mother does not aprove of my being alone at night and she has never aproved of a single friend I meet then. it's like she wants to keep me in this little 'teenager' box of self-obsession and immaturity. 

I have gone backwards. I used to know what the world meant, what to do out in the real world, how to cope. I used to be fueled by will to succeed. I lost all that. I have become sheltered and spoonfed. like a wild animal who has been brought into captivity and raised to the point where if I were released I might die out in the wild.

I try to see only the best in everyone. until they have done something unforgivable to either me or my friends. even then, I try to see change and give them another chance. I see the potential for beauty in the world and try to restore it. sometimes I have too much faith in humanity and they fuck up and let me down. but I keep on dreaming, keep on wishing. I sit awhile with the homeless man on the corner, give him what change I can afford, and talk, hoping he can trust me enough to tell me his story, what brought him to that exact corner where I happened to pass. out of all the corners and all the people, it comes to this. this is coincidence. 

I want her to be able to look at the world the same way, give me a chance I don't deserve, to let me change FOR her. because no one is perfect, no one's idea of perfect can be perfect for everyone, and for love we all try to become the one we love's idea of perfect, whatever that may be. although we both call ourselves 'realists', both see the scars in the world for the most part for what they are, the difference is, I sometimes see the world as totally glass full, unless my heart is not whole and my world in glass drained of everything including air. I just need a little love. and a little guidence. 

drop me a line, give me a topic, ask me some questions (for the blog or just for personal gain), and guess the name and artist of the song from the post title.

<3 <3  

I'll love you forever, forever is over.

I'm on a boat motherfuckaaa, and I jizzed in my pants. like a boss.

so. eventfulness is eventful. started as a normal day 1. except it was famine. and had an epic conversation about southpointe and tsawwassen people with farrah and all was fine and dandy until lunch. (when all my easy classes were done). smoke bombs on each side of the main hall. whole school filled up with orange smoke. got evacuated and finaly let out at like.. 2something. it was great. no physics. :)

and then... famine prosponed until further notice. which meant I got to eat at the tv shoot field trip. *fist pump* it was awesome by the way. hung out with Sydney, Amos, and Rachel. by the middle, Sydney and I were going crazy cheering and yelling and stuff. by the end, I had partially lost my voice. 

all the kids loved it. there were laughs, there was free food, there was shittonnes of school pride, and there were friends all around. except the LGs in like gr.2 that were in love with Justin bieber. 

epic conversations and making things dirty. best entertainer for live audience EVERRR!!!

totally want to do more field trips like that. with friends like that. soooo looking forward to Ashland now. 14 hour or so bus ride. 

went home, shoved my face. of Friday night, you are cool. 

anyways I is tired..

questions? topics? guess post title's song 
email: nikkiasb@hotmIl
facebook: Nikki Oreo barnes.
or comment

<3 <3 

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck.

so. famine. starting. pretty fucking soon. in 30mins from now.. so like. practically when I post this. stoooked *shoves face with chocolate*

so finally ventured into forever 21. fell in love with a few pairs of boots. big surprise. I have a slight addiction. prolly gunna go back and buy a pair or two next week or something... they were gorgeousss. *droooool*
and men's plaid shirts. I think I might end up having a shitload of those.

my everyday wardrobe pretty much consists of a plaid button up unbuttoned, a baggy t shirt, skinny jeans, crazy socks, boots (or my epic $2 shoes from memories), and a hat. ooohshit. I'm getting really into hats too. my piggy toque. and my white toque. and my LA gangsta hat, and my gold tophat.. I want more hats. they make me happy. and ears. my hello kitty kitty ears, bat ears, bunny ears....
pretty much I ma dorkkkk.

although I do like cool things too. like retro 60s-80s shizz. some 90s too. cause I'm cool.

doooooooooooooooood. I totally learned about hippies in socials. it was great. I totally love hippies. I mean, I was one in my last life. yeknow. XD
I was born in 1957. I grew up as a 60s child. in my teens I was a bloody hardcore hippie lesbian.. or man. can't completely remember. might've been a man. I think I remember a really cool bread. anyways. it was great, the drugs were great, the fight was worth it. then it turned to the 80s. still stuck to my hippie roots, and let my style change a bit, because who doesn't love 80s style?? bought a roller rink, and had a fucking blast. eventually died in 1989 in an animal rights protest. stoopid bloody cops thought it would be cool to killl people as they broke it up. now the world has gone to shit. waiting a couple more years before I can be back out there fighting the good fight.

girls are freaking distracting. like, even when they aren't there. they just pop into your head, naked, and then you're fucking them (all in your head). next thing you know you have a shit tonne of homework. dammit. gotta remember to try and keep it so they stay in your mind only when you need them there.

so... started on my 'alice in lesbianland' picture. I is proud. the mushroom in a bikini says eat me XD
I feel brilliant.

any questions for me to answer (in blog or just responding to you), or any ideas for a topic... let me know. and guess the song from the post title. XD
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment.

<3 <3

got fired by fried chicken ass.

soo. in less than 24 hours it'll officially be two months.. don't know how much longer this will go on for. there were once days where simply loving each other was good enough, long gone are they. days that everyone lived in peace and just lived. the days where people would actually believe in fighting for a cause, where young people would go outside out their self-centered bubble and lie infront of tanks, hoping to stop war. the citizens would unite to bring the world into a way of loving and caring and almost peace (well the drugs made it seem like there was more peace than in reality.)
these days, what the world needs is a new generation of fighters. who else will try to keep the peace?? who else will promote love? who else will make the world okay again?

in our generation people no longer want kids, they don't want to bring life into such a corrupt world. the governments don't know what they're doing, so they cut back on all the essentials whilst supporting uselessness. the school systems are lacking in every way, including figuring out how to actually teach the kids. wars are breaking out over things that should have never happened. people are becoming robotic and losing the key to happiness. more and more people are demanding that everything is the absolute best for them instead of accepting the beauty in flaws. there is no such thing as perfection, but flaws can be absolutely amazing. they make a person who they are. 

stoopid consumerist, egotistical, judging human beings these days. 

any question for me to answer here? what about topics for future days?
maybe you want to guess the post title's song.
give me a shout.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment.

<3 <3 

Lordy Lordy Lordy, I can't help it, I like to party.

so. the day after valentine's day. was pretty freaking amazing. 1. I think I somewhat get the math 2. ceramics it felt like a sketchbook day. and I actually did things. it all started with fingerpainting. and silver paint lead to unicorn blood. unicorn blood lead to voldemort. then felt like bellatrix and the dark mark would be needed. so that looks awesome even partially done. now brain is coming up with ideas and there's not enough time to do them all before Thursday, and sketchbooks are going to be handed in then. will go crazy this weekend. might have to pull out an old doodle book.. 3. roller skating down the halls. for a project. and all I have to do now is history/ evolution/ etc of the sport (and a really short one) and bibliography for my part. feel pretty fucking kickass.

spoof joke pictures from epic things keep popping into my head for ideas on sketchbookness. totally want to do an "I've got a jar of diirt" thing.. but holding an empty rum bottle instead of a jar of dirt.
and Alice and eve in underland. the perverted, lesbian way to see Alice in wonderland. (playboy bunny for white rabbit)
bellatrix/ Luna lovegood shipping.
and who knows what else. something with a really epic, random eye..

gahhh. and keeping up with homework AND writing my script. shiiiiiit. good luck to me??

as long as I can get a grasp on math, everything school-related is actualy pretty goods right now. this is making me happy. which means I'll be all not depressing. which means I'll have more people talking to me. which means I can stop thinking about myself and focus on the world. which means it's time for a random drag dance party downtown for no reason. XD

stoopid fucking car alarm been going off for like... 20-25mins. shuuut up!!! someone go turn that shit off. 

if you have any topic ideas, questions for me to answer up here, or anything else let me know.
guess the post's title. what song is it from???
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment.

<3 <3 

you and me are not the same, I'm a sinner, you're a saint.

this is a message to all parents of members of the LGBT community.
firstly, I know you just want the best for your children. you want them to have the easy, perfect life that you always wished for. let's face it, that never happens for anyone. let your kids stick out, let them be who they really are. hiding any part of themselves: sexuality, gender, or otherwise is more pain to them than letting the world know could even get others to hurt them. feeling like there's no way to express the feelings that one does feel ultimately leads to depression, rebellion, or some other sort of mental disorder. possibly even a mix. yes, you may think you have your child's best interests in mind when you tell them not to do something, or disapprove of something they are so proud of, to save them from society's opinion on the matter. although, you may not realize the fact that there is more harm being done when you dash your child's dreams or suppress thoughts and feelings that need to be brought out. eventually, for holding them back in their development, your children will start to resent or even hate you a little more each time the topic is brought up. there may not be a way to repair the damage left in their image of you once you let it get to this point. if you really want a good relationship with your children, the best bet is to just let them be who they must, support them in their journey, wherever it might take them, and try to keep an open mind to whatever they feel they must tell you. if could become the basis of your relationship with them.

if it weren't for parents' influence and society today, the world would be a much happier place. many a person would be able to just be instead of being forced to conform to the rules of society and become another drone, clone meant for the use of just populating the earth with brainlessness. there would be the freedom for EVERYONE to just choose what they want and need out of life. how much simpler would that be??

who even decides what 'society' thinks of issues anyways?? who is in charge of all this?? how do we know there is even a good reason to follow? what if it is all up to hitler, who has hidden away to make us think he's gone, but really he's subconsciously ruling the world by forcing people to think a certain way. it's all in the fucking mustache.

check this out bitches. it makes me warm and fuzzahh inside.
http://www.lgbtyouthnorthwest.org.uk/downloads/STRAIGHT_QUESTIONNAIRE.pdf

anyways, if you have any topic ideas, or questions for me to answer (no matter how random or serious), let me know. and guess the songs from my post titles. it'll be fun.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment

<3 <3

since I met you I'm a victim of disaster.

the things you hear everyday from your family are not the things you want to hear from a gorgeous girl. "you're so immature, you need to grow up, you can't do anything, what's wrong with you" and all that jazz. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.. NOT.

finally got two monologues done for my script. lesbo, check. gay guy, check. bi chicka, in the works. trans kid, to be done at later time. wooot.

QUESTIONS!!!:

1. You enter the park gate, the roller coaster looms before you with a line of people waiting their turn. How long do you have to wait in line before getting to ride?
me? wait in lines?? why would I do that when I could just flirt with the person in charge of the ride and get on with some gorgeous girlieees??

2. Your turn finally comes and now you’re racing and plunging around the course. What kinds of feelings does the speed bring out in you?
freedom, desire, fear, happiness

3. At the most exciting point in the course, the roller coaster dives into a pool of water and you’re drenched by the spray. What do you shout or scream at this instant?
I start shaking in fear. who the fuck didn't tell me there was water. bitches. water+ roller coasters= HORRIBLE REACURING DREAM IN GR.8

4. Next you decide to try the merry-go-round. But during your ride, for some reason the horse you’re riding breaks down and stops moving. What do you say to the horse?
... save a horse, ride a cowgirl XD

5. Your ride on the roller coaster was exciting, but it wasn’t all that it could have been. If you were going to design the perfect roller coaster, what would the course look like?
well... first it would undo zippers, then make clothes fall off, and finally make it's way up her thighs and up inside her. good enough???

yes. I am a perv. deal. my mind does not know life beyond the gutter.

if anyone has any more question, or topics, or if they want to guess the post titles and what their songs are (artist and song name) let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment.
thankyaaa

<3 <3

and I'm tangled up in you.

there's only one way to fall off a bike: down. and you keep going down until finally you've reached the ground. sometimes it is unfriendly and you start to bleed, sometimes it just stings. then there are the lucky times you get away with a bruise, or even nothing. the same theory works for the heart. sometimes when it brakes it finds it hard to trust another with the fragile shards, sometimes it just wants to love again. sometimes it's just the body talking, telling the heart to just get over it. it varies from person to person.

the thorns of a rose are mistakes. ones of the past, ones to come. they hurt, but they are still part of the rose, they are still beautiful. the petals start to die a little, they are not perfect. just like any one person or any love. do not inspect a rose looking for the imperfections, keep looking for the good, the love, the way it should be.

so recently there's been a lot of talk about indie/ hipster and all that shinanigans. even more so amongst a certain group of my friends. I have learned about hipster kitty, the hipster triangle, hipster evolution, and all sorts of shizz like that. honestly, I'm used to being the last to know about stuff, since I'm about 2-3 years behind in Internetness. but I feel kinda stoopid giggling the difference between hipster and indie. it confuses the hell out of me and I still don't understand.. so many different answers. and then there's a bunch of stuff on the whole thing that fits me. *scared face* but if there's one thing about this all I could say, it's that hipster/ indie chicks are HOT!!! and I want them in my pants.

really need to find a new place to put all my pins. never use my pin bag anymore, and when I did I lost a bunch from them falling off without me noticing. suggestions for new place??

if anyone wants to finish unpacking/ organising my room for me too, I would thank you and love you forever. although I'd prolly make you do other stuff I have to do so I can get it done my way.. cause I'm like that. with almost everything. which is why I always have so much to do. rawr.

really need to start thinking in more detail about what I'd like to do after next year. dunno if the whole year-long rode trip thing is gunna happen.. but I think I'm supposed to be trying to get into langara. need to raise English mark to at least 80% so I can take AP and be awesome and do journalism. *thumbs up* and hopefully transfer to studio 58 second year. oh fun shizz that I dunno where it'll take me in life.

so post title guessing time. what song?? and if you have any questions/ topics for me to go over let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment.

<3 <3 

never wanted to dance with nobody but you- wouldn't take no for an answer you fucking bitch.

so yeah. sometimes love isn't all you need.. even to keep people on speaking terms. whatever.
like one of those days where everything you fear coming true actually does, and everything that you secretly feared without really knowing. then every bit of your being that was oblivious to the things you secretly felt knows. and it's scary as fuck.

I was told to watch slenderman.. the entries on youtube. I was also told not to watch if I ever wanted to sleep again.. I started about quarter to midnight. alone. in my room, with only my laptop for light. I've gotten to 20 and it's almost 12.40am starting to freak out a little. shizz. and I like scary movies and that crap. fucking crazy ass day. hopefully this won't turn out to be a total shit weekend.


dood. totally got two shakespeares and a couple siiick buttons from dysl for 50cents. XD
fucking flying donkey = win to the max.

honestly don't feel like writing.. shall go finish slenderman. wish me luck??

don't forget to guess post name's origins (like which song. song name and artist)
and if you have any questions topics for me to cover in future posts...
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment.

<3 <3

I can't feel nothing at all.

the last performance of lifeguards we will ever have to do is over!! omigawddds it feels so good. sure, they fucked up and missed 8 minutes of it, but no one who hadn't seen it before could even tell... with the extreme improv that they out into it. gotta fucking love how much they can change the story. oh well. we're freeeeeeee.

sdss tomorrow.. it should be fun. a little bit scared to see the wife. I mean, I haven't seen her since,or even talked to her. I don't know how much she hates me. I don't know if I can fix it. bloody hell. WOMEN. but everything about her draws me in. every blink, every heartbeat, every breath. can't seem to let it go. has she?

get to spend some time with some friends, pretty stoked. I mean, PARTYTIMEEEE!!! art room + so many people that I miss + GAHHH = awesomesause. and than thrifting after school most likely. fuckk yeahhh. gunna be hard to have so many white people. can't make white jokes like usual. dammit. but at least more people will get my references. and understand my dirty jokes. and I'll actually know pretty much everyone. instestead of being partnered with someone who I can't even remember their name.. which is always fun.. at least it's a project on roller skating. WINN!!!!

speaking of which, don't rain this weekend, I'd love to get out and go skating for the first time in foreverrr
blargggg.

I like not seeing my mother for long periods of time. it keeps me a little sane. in the good way, cause boxness sane is bad.. boxness can go die in a hole. along with our stoopid government, homophobia, religion forced being forced on people, and the school system. because they all suck. but they won't help me in the least..

anyways. songs. they are post tiles. guess which ones are from my post titles and win.. an e-hug XD
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment..

<3 <3

got some rope, you have been told.

FINALLY actually started on my writing for directing and script writing. I is happy. almost done the first of the monologues. which is good, considering that I have to be done my entire first draft in less than 3 weeks. fun shizz. so. yeah.. I'll be writing, directing, producing, and acting in it... say WHATTT?? yeah. since I'll be in whistler for one of the performances and the dress rehersal (or at least on the way to whistler). izdebski is brilliant... oh well, at least I gets to act and I only have one role left to fill.

sdss on friday. *thumbs up* stooooked. but at the same time, scared shitless. I mean, everything's different, and my wife... let's see how it goes, if I can manage to fix things. this could be my one chance and I don't want to blow it.

feel like going and doing something artsy. working in my sketchbook so I can hope to be able to actually draw and paint and crap.. or sew some shizz together.. or write something beautiful and maybe even a song *le gasp* yes, it has been like... 3 years since I wrote a song. whoaaa. not cool dood.

went to see the counseller about courses shtuffs. ap psych?? oh yes please. hoping to bring up english so I can take ap english next year. or I will die. normal english will be the death of me. need to start putting together a portfolio. looks like I might apply at emily carr.. possibly. prolly just end up at langara doing journalism or artsy stuff. and trying to get into studio 58 second year. which will be a bitch, but I can dream XD

depending on how this whole thing works, maybe I could even try to put my two loves together: writing and arts, and try my hand at writing bigger scripts. *oh ehmmm jeeesus cupcakes*

although still interesting in tattoo artistry, and somewhat makeup.. but just soo scared to fuck up on people.oh wells.

writing + art + girls + music + out-of-boxness = lifeee

be cool. guess the songs from my post titles. cause they're awesome..
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or comment

<3 <3

how do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart.

so finally got called out. I know I complain and get depressed over like EVERYTHING. I should be trying to find the good parts of life. the thing is everything I actually like about life these days reminds me of her and makes it not awesome and happy anymore. yay. I just want to fix everything and then have everything happy. I want to be able to see the good in life more than once in awhile.

today in japanese we were watching this movie, and there was this really adorable scene where the girl's cold and the guy's too stoopid to let her borrow his jacket, so he lets her put her hand in his pocket and they're holding hands in his pocket. then I realized I can actually be quite the romantic with a girl if I really like her. which lead me to thinking about how much I miss her. which lead to not doing anything in math, falling asleep for a 30min nap in class, waking up like 5 mins before the bell, and apparently not doing well on a socials test. my teacher accused me of not studying. when I stayed up till 12.30 on friday working on it, then practiced a little last night. it's hard to do everything, keep my mom happy, and find time to myself so I don't snap and kill that bitch.

found out I can't even be in the school play now. we're heading up to whistler for the weekend for two weekends in a row. when the dress rehearsal is, and when the last performance night is. hate my life. so much. it's not even funny. but at least I get to write my own script and hope it turns out well. if it doesn't, shit's going down.

rawr. that is all.
I eat tacos. yeah. if only I could do that for a living.
be all like yeah I guys, I'm a professional skittle-licker. what do you do?
cause that is epiiiiiic.

<3 <3

we're too young, I hate to love you.

rawr. so I indiddlywinks think that it is time for LGs to grow up. honestly, those girls piss me off. they be all like " OMFG YOU GUUUYZZ!!" at freaking everything, and they only care about their hair, if they have a 'perfect' inch-thick layer of makeup, and making boys that are wayy too old for them horny.
classic example: those grade 8 girlies who get drunk off their asses in those tiny little skirts that barely cover their snatch and decide it is a brilliant plan to make out with each other whilst the like... 18 year old boys jack off to it. and then there's the whole part that the next day they proclaim "OMG YOUUU GUUYYZZ!!! I'M BI!!!". no. just no. drunken making out with a chick because you like the attention does NOT mean you're bisexual, quite frankly, it means you are a slut.
anyways, LGs like that are pretty much the bane of my existence. when you realize how much people judge people who are actually LGBT by those little whores it's really quite sad. if I hear "it's just a phase" one more time I might snap. I can understand experimenting with the same sex.. when you're alone and you really just want to try it, not you're drunk and trying to get some guy to pay attention.

this is what happens when I'm tired and I get too many tests in such a short time frame. it's downright fucking scary. bloody fucking tits. want to just make the world beautiful and perfect with no hurt and nothing but rainbows and unicorns and orgies. and lots of Popsicles.. no wait, CREAMSICLES!!! with the little gummy bugs inside. cause they're freaking awesome.

finally get to start writing my script. *fist pump* hopefully it all turns out.

you know those people who just seem to have such an amazing story that needs to be told, but they don't seem to want to share that story? the ones who have such a beauty and mystic about them. the ones you are instantly drawn to to try and be privileged enough to know what's going on. the ones you try so hard to be good friends with because they seem just freaking awesome. yeah, those people. it would be cool to actually get to know the one I'm working on. well.. ones. I'm lucky, there's about 3 or 4 in my life right now. only problem is, every day it seems like I'm missing out on something that they could offer. if only things were more simple. and so many girls weren't so gorgeous. to the point where it distracts me from class, and tests... oh well.

could use a little wife-love right now.
looks like I'm going to have to wait for friday.. which could leave me waiting for forever, or could end it.

songs of post titles are most definately ready to be guessed.
and send in some ideas for future blogs.
email- nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook- nikki oreo barnes
or comment

<3 <3

you don't need tricks and you don't need me.

so pretty much decided that I hadn't done a hardcore coming out story type thinger. here goes:
LG comes back to reality in tsawwassen after being all sheltered and shizz in aznville for 4 years, and then starts to be around people who actually who know what drugs are, have had forms of sexual contact, and don't do exactly what they should. she starts hanging out with a few girls that have actually labeled themselves as bisexual. this idea is totally new to her. the only time she had every even really come into contact with anyone that was 'gay' was the kid everyone hated in gr.7, the one she would beat on daily because she wanted to fit in and it seemed the 'gay' everyone said he was was a bad thing. so here's this little innocent, oblivious girl, best friends with the gr.8 bisexual whore. let's just say it didn't take long for me to start questioning. one day a bunch of us were at the local boys and girls club and she was on e, and she leans over, and her face is inches from mine, and I don't know what she wants, so I poke her nose. she stands back up and is all like 'what the hell I was trying to kiss you!' and now I'm terrified and my voice is shaking and I manage to mumble ok. next thing I know, she leans over again and our lips touch. and then she's gone, on the other side of the room. what was I supposed to think? this girl had stolen my first kiss and I didn't even know if I liked girls. after that day she referred to my as 'hetroflexable'. I mean, I totally thought gay emo boys who looked more like girls were hot. that meant I liked guys right??
eventually my mom found out that she was dating a girl (cause she added all my friends on facebook). and she was making a song out of it. 'my name's rachel. I swing this was, I swing that way'. it hurt to hear her say that, like she was personally attacking me. I guess something showed on my face, because a bit later she was going on about if I had a bunch of bi friends, did that make me bi too? so I tried to explain that it wasn't because of them, but that I was. and of course she banded together with my christian friends to tell me that it was just a phase. ..she was right, how could I ever think I liked guys??
the beginning of gr.9 my mom asked me who I currently liked. I told her this new girl from southpointe who was in my drama and gym class.. and the guy who was hopelessly in love with me because I felt I had to since he followed me around like a puppy. she went on and on about how it would just be 'too difficult' to date a girl, so I should go out with the boy. that never stopped me from being in love with the girl still over 2years later. XD
for the rest of gr.9 and most of gr.10 I basically just screwed up. I smoked a fuckload of weed, drank more booze than I'd ever seen at one time outside of a bar of liquor store, and binged on boys, trying to be the girl my mom wanted me to be. although I always fucked them JUST to piss off my mom in some way, shape, or form now that I look back on it.
eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. I was never happy, I'd been cutting more and more, and it was getting boring to be rammed by some guy I barely knew in some public place, or someone I'd only met that night's house. plus it was not good for me emotionally to have never been in a relationship that I hadn't cheated in. then there was the whole issue of having lost more than half of my partying friends due to getting fucked and screwing the wrong people. friends who I had called best friends were harrassing me on a daily basis, calling me a whore, cum-dumpster, prank calling me, putting shit all over the internet. still I'm paying for things I did back in gr.9 and the very beginnings of gr.10
then one of my friends who I'd become pretty close with after my downfall said she liked me. it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I didn't need to force myself on guys. they made my life a living hell, I had no physical attraction to them, and the only good thing about them was it was a way to get off. which I could do with girls. so I stopped trying, and gained enough self-respect to believe I could actually deserve to be with girls. I AM LESBIAN!!
that girl soon enough because my girlfriend. and I was actually happy, my friends could tell, something about me was just different. all the time I would be all cutesy and giggly, and gush about how much I loved her. we were so clique and adorable it prolly made people want to barf.. if they knew. she wasn't ready to be out to the world. family: yeah, some friends: yes, but random strangers and people who might not accept her: no way in hell. but she got me to stop smoking and such just by me wanting to be with her in the time I would be doing those things in. and it all eventually came to a messy end. even if we were still best friends. like always, I got over it eventually (but not before being choked that she finally came totally out and  had a new girlfriend she wouldn`t have met if I hadn`t wanted to go to a gay youth group with her so we could see each other more since I`d moved to richmond.)
before we had started anything I talked to my mom again. I told her that I didn`t actually like guys, I liked this girl and I was most likely going to date her. once again she thought it was a phase and told me that she wouldn`t be able to support me when we grew up, I had to find a nice rich BOY my age. or just take a break from dating. so I hid it from my mom the whole time. I would invite her over when my mom wasn`t home, or hang out throughout the day,sometimes after school before my mom was home, or whatever it was that day. my mom was so fucking oblivious.
after she broke my heart and it had started to mend again, that girl from gr.9 because my whole life. there was nothing I could do to stop falling harder and harder for this girl when we`d both loved each other so long. my whole life lead up to her. she got me into a dress. just for a birthday.. her birthday. the first time she kissed me I swear I was going to burst. I think that was the day her dad told us to calm down when we were being all giggly and touchy in the backseat. I miss those car rides where we`d hold hands in the bask seat and her parents wouldn`t notice. but I let my paranoia talk to me and tell me she doesn`t really want me, or else we would`ve been actually dating. then I fuck it up, and it`s all gone. she`s gone.
that leads me up to now. lonely, flaming, and in the midst of trying to get a GSA going at my school. my veryvery straight school. mainly because my mom won`t let me back out to west van to go to GAB.
next step is to come out to the rest of my family and bother to correct my teachers when they go on about me and boyfriends.. but everyone who needs to know, knows I`m supergay.


guys. please guess what songs the post titles are from.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
or just comment. XD

<3 <3

I just want you to know who I am.

weddings... hmms.
so I never really thought I'd ever get married, don't even like the idea of marriage. a piece of paper to prove to the world you love someone, when you can love them just as much without it. plus, it forces them to be with you, instead of them just wanting to. not to mention all the stress and money straining the relationship to put it on..
then there was this girl, and she made me fall head over heels for her. I thought that if she felt she needed to have a wedding, we could get married. I actually kind of wanted to myself. I could picture her dark hair piled beautifully, for once not being attracted to her mouth, standing out against the pale white of her skin, her simple, lacey gown. her dad walking her down the isle, giving her away to me, approving. who cares if that wasn't the reality. I could picture holding her hand, telling her I'd love her forever, slipping that ring on her finger, kissing her. there is nothing that could give me more joy. but she wouldn't even let me make her mine. she won't even let me know that she has gotten any of my many messages. I have no clue if she's ok, if her world is in chaos, if she's even alive. she won't let me. the moments we do stoopid things are the moments that those things wouldn't be tolerated. yet we do them involentarily..

today, the dragon chased me, I didn't chase the dragon. and that's scary as shit. except when you have your best friend and you know that as long as they're there and that means that nothing can really harm you. one of those friends where you wish you could spend all your time with them, 24/7

superbowl tomorrow. more importantly, announcing fresh meat on teams and putting up the plans for beaverbunch channel makeover.. and driving lesson.

found a lacrosse/ hockey box a couple blocks down the road for when the weather let's me go out skating again. I missed it, and now I can finally go. soon :)

guess what songs my post titles are from??? 

<3 <3 

suicide in your arms tonight.

so. I apparently have to find out what the play is by searching a random couple words from some one's status, turns out it was a play, so I'm thinking that's what sdss is doing this year... love how my friends actually tell me stuff. sadly, it's kinda like this for everything. I ask what's up, they say not much, I ask if there's anything interesting, they say no. and then I miss a bunch of stuff. it less than 6 months I've missed the recycling in timmy's, building beside my old place, starting on new southpointe building, median by the school, and who knows what else. everything seems like it's a dream, I no longer know the town I once held so dear. it's an illusion. everything is, I don't know anything, anyone, anywhere anymore. and it scares me.

I do have my moments where I actually am happy, they just don't come very often, and when they do it's because of being so caught up in something that reminds me of the past that I don't realize I'm still going to the shitty school, living with 4 roommates and my mom out where I can't go anywhere myself, my life has completely become trying not to fail gr.11, I don't see anyone on the weekends, the most exciting parts of my day are when random girls off the internet tell me I'm cute. and they almost all live at least 1hr away.

most of the time I can feel the sting right behind my eyes, telling me that at any moment I could burst, I could just let go and cry until I don't remember the pain anymore. it's like without the bite of the blade as a constant reminder that I'm still alive I am just numb, a body walking around in a world fulled with souls. there is no soul, it has been removed to feast on. she enjoys watching this. maybe next time I'll actually think twice before I give away my heart. I'll make sure she wants to be the center of my universe, wants to be loved, wants to drive me crazy with passion, wants me to take her into my arms and make the world a little bit more ok.

to feel emotion that doesn't leave me confused and empty...

guess what songs the post titles are from. XD

<3 <3

trusting desire, starting to learn.

ever have one of those days when you wake up after barely any sleep and the first little while you feel so groggy and almost hungover from your sleep (or lack of)?? try feeling like that all day. it was brutal. honestly, my days are turning out more and more like that. I only snap out of it once I'm done with school for the day. at least on day ones. then I get to actually chill with mr. bone. and the world seems a little more normal. 

without her really being in my life it feels like there's a miniture version of her running around in my head, breaking all the connections on my brain cells. like she's killing me slowly and eventually I have nothing. no ability to do the smart things I could once achieve, no conscience, no moral compass, no life. it scares me. she haunts my memories, my dreams, my life. and I haven't even talked to her since. yet. that will all change. soon. just over a week. it makes me want to hurl I'm so nervous.

Chinese is a very angry language. at least it sounds that way, more canto than mando, but both do sometimes. kinda scary when people are partying and chilling and talking loudly in Chinese. like I'm extremely glad that they're dwnstairs right now and I'm tucked away in my room upstairs.

the world is scaring me. I can't go back to my home, it is no longer mine. in less than 6 months so much has changed. at least three HUGE buildings are going up and destroying memories. some of my very oldest memories. everything is changing and it just needs to stop. and then I can't move forward because I don't know what to do, how to do anything. the unknown is trying to swallow me whole.

today I realised how screwed I am for school. 1. I'm failing two subjects I need to pass to graduate 2. if I take them both in summer school I won't get any time off in the summer and I won't be able to do psych which means I might not have enough provincially examinable courses. 3. I don't even know if I want to go to post-secondary  while all my friends are worrying about getting into their first choice school. they have a general idea if not exact plan of what they want to do. they have schools picked out, they have their passion. then there's me. I know what I want to do, I want to go off and fight for rights. as far as I know that doesn't pay. I'm fine with working at a cafe or a restaraunt or something to pay bills. not like I really need much anyways. just a place to live, food, the odd thrift store clothing piece, some craft stuff, a phone, and Internet. but society doesn't care. they expect you to have extensive schooling. even the lowest of the low seem to have a post-secondary education. it's all so in the box. but who knows if you can survive on this continent without it, if you can't get a job without schooling. 

I had plans with friends, we were going to be starving artists/ writers/ activists together. it was going to be amazing. the only thing to worry about would be getting down to San Fran and getting a name there. 

welcome to hell, we call it earth.

hmmms what song is the post title a quote from???

<3 <3 
  

 

I love her and she might love me.

so. the world is fucked, the teachers in my school enjoy torturing us, and there's nothing to do. so yeah. nothing much to say. just the usual. box needs to die, and life is like RAWR!!
earlier I was all like OOOH INSPIRATION!! but then I kinda just had to write a huge ass thing about the whole directing process and shizz. not fun. so thn creativity went poof for awhile.
OOOOOOH so I've been trying to learn to beatbox for almost two years.. and then today when I was singing in the shower, trying to get the rainbow song out of my head (it didn't work, as anyone who's heard shauna's rainbow song would know from my post title today, and anyone who hasn't wouldn't have a fucking clue) anyways I started making animal noises and gun noises and shtuffs and then it morphed a little and next thing I know I could actually do a beat!!! so now I need to work on endurance and trying to get a few more basic beats down.
andandand.. I GOT A CHAIR! a swivelly, rolly chair for my desk. and it's awesome. I kinda wanna name it moosh. because that's the word that popped in my head right now... is that even a word??

anyways. been being super cool and listening to a nuch of indie shtuffs for a good... 6 hours or so. cause I'm cool. need to find a way to the mother mother, said the whale concert on the 11th. GAHHHHHHHH!! go with my epic hipster friends?? I THINK SO!!

I wish I could say I don't miss her anymore.. but I'd be lying. I had a math midterm today.. after the first 15 questions I stopped for a good 30-45mins just sitting and thinking about her.. and couldn't other trying to find the answers to the rest of the questions after. good thing it was multiple choice, so I have a chance at getting some right. at least that gave me a chance to sketch some epic slutty derby animeishness.. yeah, that's right, I can't even concentrate enough for poetry in math anymore.

I wish I could have skills to write an actual good song.. and play an instrument well enough to actually be in a band. seems like all my friends have skills like that and they can make it look easy. but then there's me, little music loving dork who can't do shit because she can't play any music cause she's too lazy and clumsy and have tiny hands that can't reach for chords and stuffs.. I wish I could pick up something and make the world beautiful with it. maybe I'll grab my ukulele and learn to play it, that should be small enough for me. or get my bass back, but its not easy to write music with only a bass line, need to have a lead instrument. tiiiiiits...

oi. so there. maybe I can say a little.

<3 <3

all my guts try to spill.

confusion. yeahhhh.
I want to start a riot, I want to get in a fight, I want to make noise and do something that will make a difference in this doomed world. I want to take away all the hurt, I want to help peace to prevail, I want to show the world all the beauty it entitles. I see the worst in everything. I see the best in everything. every last memory reminds me of how the world was beautiful, how she is beautiful, how good everything used to be. there are no memories that won't bring me to tears. the earth just keeps on spinning even with everything turned upside-down. the past is no longer the future, no longer the present, no longer an option. there is no reconnecting. there are countless possibilities. there is always a choice. nothing can be the same, everything must just go on, there is no way to stop it. there is no way to just press pause and take in a little air. every memory is like a little blast of normalcy. without them, everything is floating with no purpose or direction, no way of knowing, nothing to feel.

corporations strive for this. they shove you farther and farther down their narrow path, forcing you to give up. stripping you of individuality, emotion, moral, creativity, hope. worker bees, yet still human to the untrained eye. waiting for instruction, mirroring the drone-likeness, giving it to younger generations like a highly contagious disease. catching this eraser of life, the world is falling, breaking, in danger. that is where we come in
we are the ones who care, the ones who escaped, the ones who can breathe. we see the error in corporate ways. we call bullshit. there is no way to ideally live in a place meant to destroy. society allows it to happen, sends the children off to schools worldwide to become sheep, to become failures, to become one brain. drained of anything resembling the greats of generations of the past. they put us down, tell us we aren't good enough, tell us we are too young, tell us to forget it, tell us not to dream quite so big. like good little sheep, we listen. we pretend we have no dreams, we pretend to go along, we save our thoughts for when they'll really count. we get lazy waiting for our time to count. by the time it's time most of us have given in. the fire has been doused. I refuse to end up like that. I need to be an exception. I need to break free of the way the world has become. I need to go off and fight to save the last shred of humanity before there is none, before new generations are better off never born than to be born into the emptiness. who would join me to keep the small portion that remains awake? we need to rebel, we need to bring back the dead, we need to win over the drones. 17 years has taught me to love, to let love go, and to fight for only what is worth dying for. I am in love with humanity, and the way it should be- would be if it weren't for society and conformity. I am in love with the world, the way it sways and sashays its way across the open space, the way it is filled with small little buds of hope that can bloom given the proper care and love. there is so much beauty to be found, if only one would open their eyes and see reality instead of following along on a conveyor belt to nowhere land.

the school system has been corrupted by conformity. they expect every student to learn the exact same information the exact same way. they give up on those students who simply can't in their style, deem them obsolete, stoopid, worthless. for the most part the teachers can't even be bothered to get to know their students to figure out what is best for them, what to do to help them. then they wonder when they can't say they have a perfect record, blame it on the students, say they don't try hard enough. in reality, students give their all, share their capacity of brilliance, yet can't compete with drones. this world judges success of percentage grades, amount of wealth, higher degrees acquired. none of that matters. success is really measured in happiness, in memories, in the good we've done for the world as a whole. not what one does for them self. there is no more room for greed and narcissism in a world already so unfortunately helpless and dead. schooling is the one becoming obsolete. who would need to know half of the stuff taught? stay true to yourself, for that is true beauty.

standing out and standing up for rights, for the past, for the world. these are the only things that matter. in an internal war there can only be one winner. beautiful. stay golden.

check out the titles of my posts, stop and guess what songs they are quotes from. it'll be fun.

<3 <3

I would like you to dance.

birthday. really? already? HO SHIZZ!!! feels like november still. how I wish it was... give me time to redo the past, get a grip on what's going on in my life. maybe just be super cool and all peace and love and shinanigans like that. because everyone needs to learn to fucking live in harmony. I just want everything to be perfect and every living creature to love each other and all that jazz.

I think I can finally say I'm a peace. with myself, with the world (kinda), with nature, with the state of being (even though it hates my guts).just fucking do what you want and if people don't like it, fuck them. and seriously, LEAVE ANIMALS ALONE!! they can't fend off you fuckers, so don't try to hurt them. theirs lives are worth more than yours if you pointlessly just fuck around with them. *punches wall* just keep them healthy.. and trees. habitats are good.

yes, I can also be quite the treehugger. I miss actually doing things to keep the world safe. in like... gr.3 we had a student protest to keep the forest, and won. stoopid people wanting to take away all our trees.

so yeah. nothing feels like it's changed. 17?? what is that? honestly couldn't feel farther from a special day. but now I have less and less time left in the school year, I'm losing more and more time I could've been spending with her, but can't because of this whole silly thing that could've been easily avoided. I miss her. she brightened up my darkest days.. I know I shouldn't still think of her everyday, or if I'm going to, I should at least grow a pair and actually CALL her. better yet, go to her house and make her see me. but I'm still terrified. she makes me nervous, even more so when she doesn't like me. is this the year I can finally do it?? for now the waves in a wispy dreamland call to me, luring me closer.

post names. guess what songs they come from.

<3 <3