on the road again.

so. wake up at 4.45am to catch a bloody plane. and guess what? FIRST FUCKING CLASS!!! yeahhh baby. it was beautiful. blankets and pillows and FOOD! OH THE FOOD!!! it made me want to cry I was so happy. I didn't have to buy a single food item all day, it was just, provided!!

of course when we got to San Fran there were no rainbows I sight besides me so I began to wonder if Hawaii was really the gay capital of the world. then I realized that they just have rainbows, most of them are clouds. San Fran is still the best place to be. not to mention it has bareable weather, not like 30 degrees in the winter. and yeah.

but I now like planes. they make me happy. don't know if I can go back to economy now. I mean, it was amazing. although I still hate air Canada. every time I've flown with them they damage my luggage. a piece of my ard plastic by the wheel broke on mine, and they ripped off a zipper on moms. and last time they dented by hello kitty lunchbox in two places.  they need to learn to care about what they're doing. other than that, I ddnt hate it. it turned out pretty good. pretty stoked to get back to reality and share my newfound wizdom of the world with my friends.. wait do I have any of those left??

yeah, apparently it's nessassary for a bunc of people to defriend me all at once. cause it's not like I have feelings or anything. it's not like people hold grudges for forever. and people like to hurt me all at once instead of on their own deciding to defriend me. 

looks like I've burned bridges in my old party crowd and the ones who really matter to me now. only I could manage to fuck so much up at once. it takes skill and years of self-hate. and a shit ton of drugs to make your mind fucked enough to do it all without meaning to. without wanting to hurt anyone in the least bit. whilst trying to make everyone happy.

woot. thank god it's the end of the year.

<3 <3 

easy come easy go.

last day in Hawaii. actually not sure if I want to go back now. I've learned so much about myself, about other people, about the world. my lfe before just seems like a trial run, something that doesn't need to continue. something that can be redone, and should be, the minute I get back. alas, this won't happen. so trying to drag the peace and beauty into the wreck of my old life seems almost pointless. at least I can try. now, homebound I go, off to make the world a better place??? let's only hope. new year's resolution: peace. and just stop pissing off my friends all the time. prepare for takeoff. BOOOOM!!

and now the nikki must sleep, seeing as she is getting up at like... 4.45am 

sorry for the shortness. can't help it.

<3 <3 

pure awesomesauce.

so. polynesian cultural center was pretty freaking awesome. eating fire, dancing is soooo many different ways, getting a coconut-leaf woven headband. so much awesomeness. can't handle. just GAHHH!!!

and the awesomeness of how much peace and respect between the peoples of polynesia is just so inspiring. the nikki is just... BOOM!!! there are no words for it.

and then I come back to earth.. where I'm just a little slave to the bitch, where I have nothing of my own because she either takes it or ruins it, where all I want is this one girl... everything I do ad everywhere I go reminds me of her. even in the middle of the whole other world. it's all dancing... and I wonder who dance reminds me of??? or right. 

can't believe tomorrow's the last full day I'll be in Hawaii. there's still so much I have to buy for my friends. so much I need to check off my list of things to do. finally got leid today. only took like a week. jeebus. 

now just soooo tired. not allowed to go down to the Internet tonight. looks like another double post tomorrow once I get wifi. toodles.

<3 <3 

nice guys finish last.

finally an ideal vacation day. sleeping in for once while everyone hiked diamond head at the crack of dawn, buffet breakfast with nommy guava juice and fresh pineapple and kona coffee, and shopping until the rain started to flood. honestly had one of the best days here. only problems were 1. the lack of rainbow girls 2. not being with my besties 3. not enough money to buy all the epic stuff at hot topic. dammit. why do they have slytherin hoodies and awesome tutus and all sort of awesome things I can't buy?? once I get a job... it'll happen. which reminds me I'll need a job soon. 

fuck. have to get lifeguards up and running. we perform in a month... still have a bunch of painting and props and costumes and such. soooo not taking directing and script writing next year. when school's on I have no time for life. 

is there really a point of finishing it? the only reason I hadn't snapped and stopped doing it was because she was going to watch. but now who knows if she'll even be talking to me then, let alone coming to watch my work.... I'm stoopid. how could I ever let myself get to the point where that side could take over so easily? 

apparently Obama was here on Christmas.... so I was on the same island as him.. sick? 

I hope there's snow when I get back. I miss actual winter. it's so hot I have to wear shorts.. and then boys whistle at me. and it's creepy. covering up is a lot better. *goosebumps* I miss my green jeans. and my gold top hat. and my beads and wire and hemp. then again I miss living in a place without roommates. but I miss my puppy and kitty too... fuck. need time turner!!!

<3 <3  

moo.

woke up at 5.30 to the darkness. and it rained all fucking day. rained the whole way through pearl harbor. thankfully most of the Arizona memorial was undercover. but yeah, I really, really hated the rain for the dole plantation. there were no bloody pineapples to see on the train ride, the garden had no fruit, and the maze was muddy and the plants were dead. only good thing was the icecream and there was a huge line and it was expensive. of course wet n wild was closed because of the rain. bloody perfect. not that I was stoked on being in the water. whatever. the bitch just been pissing me off all day. everything's my fault, she makes everything as complicated as possible, and let's all play a round of 'figure out the best way to make nikki feel worthless'. fucking bitch. 

and then guess what bitch does next?? just because she couldn't get on the Internet that OBVIOUSLY means she can't wait two minutes for me to copy a note from my iPod to my blog. impatient, self-centered, stoopid, egotistical, crazy fucking bitch. 

hoshit... just over a month and I'll be 17. kinda scary. need to go get my industrial done as soon as I have money..... which I have no clue when that'll be. 

better get a shitload of bonus marks for going to pearl harbor or else I'll just be on the fast track to failure. yet again. cause I obviously haven't failed at pretty much everything in my whole life. 

tits... just realized this whole thing has become just another teenage wingefest. and pretty much online diary... but I guess that's better than sappy love poem after sappy love poem. or millions of quotes and lists and stuffs of the sort. *continues on brain explosion from boredom*

<3 <3  

christmas time makes me feel emotional.

Christmas. ok well it wasn't that bad.. sometimes. vegan guava body wash and stuffs from sephora are win. and then the whole not feeling like Christmas. and BBQ and Japanese food for dinner, because we're that cool. finally got started on my shopping for people. still searching for the prettiest ukeleles. because that's how cool I am. then have to figure out what all I can get for everyone and still have enough money to get something for myself to remember the trip and foods and stuff. cause I'm too skinny for the cold back home already. and Hawaii isn't the place to gain weight. except all the yummy pineapple and guava and coconut pie and macadamia nut icecream and ice cream mochi and NOM!!! I should gain weight, but with the surfing and kayaking and canoing and all that that's not really gunna happen. 

and apparently there's no such thing as turkey dinner for Christmas here. it's all steak. mmmmmm *puke* or yeknow, seafood, like every other day. BORING. honestly Hawaii, wake up and join the rest of the world. thank you.

now I has to wake up at 5.30 for Arizona memorial and crap. sleepy timeeeee!!!

<3 <3  

christmas time.

well. it's Christmas eve. in Hawaii. Santa plays the violin to Christmas songs, hula dancers do their thing under chirstmas lights. why the hell do they try so hard to make it seem like the winter wonderland in this oven?? it makes me want to cry how much they're faking their way through the holiday and failing miserably. rawr. just want to go home, not like Christmas is even a legit holiday anymore. everyone gives presents because they feel obligated to do so intead of just because they think their friends and family would like something they saw in a store. it takes all the holiday spirit out of the holiday. the Japanese do the holiday better. spend the day making love with the one you love and no family in sight. maybe we should all do it like that. save a lot of fighting and breakables. 

arms in pain from all the paddling the past couple days. thankfully I don't have to go do a bunch more active stuff tomorrow. just rest. and tune out the fighting that's sure to break out tomorrow. gotta just get away for awhile. but of course everything is closed on Christmas except a couple malls and stuff. and it's not like I have a key to get back if I went wondering. and no one lets me off by myself. it's bullshit. whatever. yet another shitty Christmas in the making. *pulls trigger*

have a shitty christmas. and mele kalikimaka.

<3 <3 

can I has sleep.

arguements everywhere. oh yay. gotta fucking love my family... honestly don't know how much more I can really handle of it. thankfully it's only a week left. and the whole last day is flying. 

got out for a bit to go outridge canoeing and surfing. pretty ok at it. managed to not fall off at all after the first 3 waves or so. pretty sick. managed to figure out a way to get all my hair up and out of the way.

and finally, after almost a week of trying to figure out why I did such a stoopid thing, I think I figured it out. pretty sure it was a mix of my lack of understanding boundries (thank you, drugs for making that possible), and that I let that monsterous, jealous, possesive, attention-seeking bitch personality take over. she needs to go away. I can't quite keep her in check anymore. she makes me believe that everyone's lying to me and in on some joke where I'm the punchline. really, everyone's just enjoying watching my misery. they play with my mind, my heart, and even my body... then once I'm hooked they're gunna let me know that it was all fake yet again. once she's convinced me, I unknowingly give her the power to take over and make them pay. then she's gone, and I have to deal with the consiquences. and as i try to cope im learning of what she's done in my bosy. story of my life. she can go die. 

and now, because I couldn't keep it under control, the girl I love hates my guts. fuck. if only I could go back and just have me in control. 

<3 <3  

breathe.

so. yeahhh. today was tiring. soooo much walking and really freaking hot temperatures. finally my mom agrees that it's too hot out here. ahahahaaha look who's smarter now!!!

ohh and guess who backed out of new years?? yeah, that's right, the one person I wanted to see. so who the hell knows when I'll get to see her if she continues to refuse to talk to me. I mean.. I could camp outside her house before going, but if she's doing a 'family thing' she might not be home. and that would just leave me sitting outside in the cold by myself wishing I could see the girl I'm in love with and try to make her realise that this doesn't have to mean that we can't even be in the same space anymore. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it instantly. not gunna happen. but a girl can dream. can't she?? so I guess I'll just hit the energy drinks and make sure everyone gets leid and hide how much I would rather be nothing than suffer the pain. or not, and stake out a corner to be miserable. never know.

at least I got an awesome shiney hoody today, so I don't have to worry about what to wear. one less thing to make my life complicated and annoying. 

for now I shall just suck it up and then be forced to learn how to serf in the morning, yay for waking up at like 6.30am to go into the water, which I don't even like doing. only 8 more days, then I can come home. well 7 by the time I get this online, since there's no bloody wifi in our building. another thing I hate about this stoopid trip.

mele fucking kelikimaka.

<3 <3 

islandness.

so tired of getting lost in some fucking stoopid town. all I want to do is explore what's around, but no, instead all we've done is sit around looking for passes so we can do a bunch of pointless touristy things that are just not worth it for me. I don't want to do any of them, yet I'm getting dragged into it and I have to pay my own way through and spend most of my money. I know 'christmas' is supposed to be the time of giving, but every year since I was little I've been depending on the money I get then to last me through the year, get me food, be able to actually go out places with my friends, get the ones I love little presents. this year I don't know if I'll even be able to afford to be able to get back to my friends enough for them to remember I exist. so I'm stuck in limbo, the world between the living and the dead. 

then, walking down the street some random guy commented on my rainbowness. then proceeded to give me a rainbow wristband. with the smirnoff symbol. it kinda made my day. then I decided best thing to fit into my suitcase for friends. those of you who want to get leid, let me know. XD oh the fun of Hawaii.

I think I might actually be able to get through this. but then again, everywhere I go I think of her. well, that's about all I can really think about most of the time..... fuckkkk. I'm kinda fucked.

<3 <3 

hohono.

soo... chilling in San Fran waiting for a connector flight. so far, I managed to sleep, read, and feel like hit every time I attempt eating. ohh fun shinanigans. looks like it's delayed. even better. really not in the mood to be going anywhere. just want to get this stoopid week over with, come home, and make things right with my wife. I know that will take some time, but that's ok. I'll do anything.

delays are really starting to piss me off. about an hour here, an hour and a half from Vancouver. I wanna sleep!!! I had to wake up at bloody 7.15 to get to the airport like 4 hours early so my grandparents could go back and forth and stuff. this whole day has just been an epic fail. only way it could get any better is if SOMEONE would start talking to me again at least. but whatever. this isn't a pity party. so time to grow a pair and try to make the best of a week of Hawaii. with flash flood and mudslide warnings. fuck yeah. so they're prolly won't even be many chickas on the beaches and stuff to try and distract me. *insert booze here* thanks. could really use that. 

lunar eclipse tonight. might get to see it from the air. might not see it at all. what the hell would 1-3something am eastern time be in Hawaii?? just realized partway through the flight from Vancouver to San Fran that I kinda left my mom's Christmas present, the part I've had since summer and forgot to give her for her birthday cause I really don't hae anything else for her yet, at home. in a drawer in my bedside table- thinger. shiiiiit. half-assed present from nikki number 2 for her this year. I guess I'll give that to her late, when we get back. not that I really am celebrating this year. my family gave me spending money. other then one exchange with friends I think that's all the Christmas giftyness I'm doing this year. 

which reminds me I'm gunna have to get bribes to get my wife to stop being mad at me at some point. oh, girl drama, how fun.

up in the air at about 10.30-11ish at night having just finished my book, I think about how it could be me pregnant, just like one of the girls in the book. then I realize I can't get pregnant from sleeping with girls. and then I realize I also have no girls there's any possibility of sleeping with. the only girl I want, even if it means just being in her presence, nothing sexual in the least, hates me right now. and there's nothing I can do about that. so here I sit, who knows how many thousand km in the sky, with my life at the hands of some guy I've never met, surrounded by strange faces I may never see again, and all I want to do is cry. I fucked up badly. I lost the one person who means the world to me, and there's no telling if there's a possibility of us even being friends again. I can wallow in self-pity all I want, but what it comes down to is the fact that I need to get help and fix whatever it is that's wrong with me so I never put anyone, especially her, in pain like this again. it took me being like 4 or 5 states away (the farthest south I've ever been) to realise this. I know, I was just as sorry before, but now I know just how much she means to me. I know that I'd give anything to be close to her right now. to feel her heartbeat as I hold her close, lift the wisps of hair off her face, and wipe away those last few tears. 10 1/2 days till I see her again, and there's a great chance that when I do, she'll still not want anything to do with me. so if anyone out there is reading this: my advice to you is to let that special girl know how much you care about her, always put her before yourself, and love every moment of it. you never know when it will all end.

and if anyone has any 'get out of the doghouse' tips, please send them my way.  

<3 <3 

it came from beneath the surface.

is it really worth it anymore? girls are energy drainers. it takes every last ounce of energy just to try and get them to talk to you, and they don't even bother trying.

after two tears of pouring energy in and the last 6 months or so full-time, it takes just a moment to get to the point where there seems to be no point in trying anymore. where she won't even look at you except with that face.. the one that radiates hatred and the desire to kill you in as many ways as possible. when you know you are the cause of such an emotion, you shut down. how could it be possible to fuck up so badly without any intentions to do so? you think back to her never-ending smile and let it sink in that you were the one who stopped it, who brought her to tears. and you'd do anything to turn back the clock, to make it right. there is nothing that can be done.

 I'm just another victim to that place that takes over and will do anything to get what it wants: messed up, kinky sex. this beast won't leave me alone. it's gotten me into trouble so many times before, yet I don't know how to lock it up. I want it to die and go away, but it doesn't, it just makes me suffer a little more every day.

once it vanishes I'm stuck with the aftermath, trying to explain how I didn't mean for any of it, how I wish it never happened, how I would do anything to try and erase it. this monster growing inside me just won't let me rest.

how I long for the days where it was easier, before I fucked yet another thing up. it just keeps getting worse and worse, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to take victims. I'm sorry. I wish I could change. I wish I could erase the past. I wish I could be forgiven.

<3 <3 

and I love her.

so today started off ok. went and did Christmas shopping delivered a few presents. all fine and dandy. then I come home and unwrap a present of awesomeness and rainbows and hello kitty. yes I now have hello kitty ears and a bunch of rainbow earings and stuff. anyways, that's all good.

then I find out someone defriended me on facebook. which even if it's not someone you talk to, is depressing. come on, even ferring waited like 6 months after he started hating my guts to defriend me on facebook. but no, my wife, who 24 prior to when I found out loved me. I know I made a huge mistake and should be punished severly by someone else, although I prolly will end up punishing myself more too, but seriously. it is work outable, I thought. girls, can't live with them, can't live without them. slap me if I'm wrong, but when fighting with friends, it is kinda pointless to defriend them, because you'll just be adding them again in a few days or so. 

and then there's the whole, HOLY FUCK!! I have no idea what to do. I hurt someone who means the whole world to me, who I never ever wanted to hurt in 1000000 years, and I hurt them worse then I originally thought I did. and even worse, I can't even go see them to try and make it up when they ignore my messages because I have no way of getting there. (makes another mental note to kill my mother for moving me out here). the girl I've loved for two fucking years won't talk to me, and prolly hates me enough to want me dead. and I managed to do this in about.. 10mins. great. even less really. and this is why I've realised that the way to tell I'm really in love with someone is if I manage to fuck up badly enough that they actually don't want to be around me. and I can't do anything to stop that. so what's the point in life??

if I could, I would send flowers and chocolate enough to fill her house (which would take twice as much as the average house at least). I would throw little pebbles at her window and learn to play guitar so I could seranade her, or have the boombox blasting love songs held over my head until she came down. I would climb up her house and in her window and force her to listen to how very sorry I am. but who knows if any of it would work. and due to lack of funds and the fact my mom would never let me out at this hour, I cannot. 

so I'll just sit here waiting it out, hoping she'll calm down enough to stop ignoring me. violently shaking because I litterally cannot shed another tear, just shake. and hope this will all work out. and someday I may be able to give her all the things she deserves instead of fucking up. but until that day, I can give her my love. 

<3 <3 

so long and thanks for all the fish.

well. lessons learned today: 1. do not mix medication with energy drink 2. I should be locked in a room by myself not allowed to have any outside contact.

yeah. so I suppose a little insight on myself. behind all the layers of masks of confidence and knowledge and such, I'm really just a scared little human who hates myself with pretty much every particle of my being. I try to be what I want to somewhat turn out to be, thus all the masks I hide behind. although, sometimes I actualy shine through, do stoopid things, fuck shit up, and leave unintentional destruction in my wake. I set myself up for failure in every aspect of my life until I've cornered myself into a corner where I just beat myself to death, which may actually happen sometime in the future. the second I manage to escape the bindings I've  placed on myself I tend to need to punish myself for the distress of higher human or non-human lifeforms. this generally comes in the form of 'self-mutilation' as they call it today. mainly any form of pain that actually hurts that it is bad enough will do. usually I repeatedly stick myself and drag small sharp objects on my skin, this way I get the initial sting and pain, along with the trails of it that follow as the wounds heal. only problem is, this still does not stop me from fucking up everything at every chance possible. turns out I always end up hurting the ones I love every time. it sucks. my conclution tonight is that I should not be allowed to see people, talk to them, or attatched any emotion whatsoever to them so I am no longer that hindrance everyone is silently plotting to be rid of but doesn't want to actually mention it. it is in everyone's minds, I see the way that they stare, that they 'forget' to converse with me, that they lie that they need me just to clear their conscience of the fact that if I gave in, my blood would be on their hands. 
and then I realize, am I really human after all? I have trouble finding the boundries they all see as soon as they're set up, they are all at least one rung higher than me on the ladder of valuable life, they have a brain capacity I have a hard time even comprehending, let alone attaining.

so I am sorry humans, from now on I shall try to stay out of your way and stop bringing you pain. if I forget, please remind me

oh and reminder: when on antibiotics or any sort of medication, energy drinks are not a good plan. the high is scary. don't do it, it felt like my fingers were literally melting off the bone. and words just seem to be there. being high and trippy.

god luck earthlings,

<3 <3 

looks like it'll be a sunny Christmas.

sooooo. today I finally got around to buying Christmas cards. I shal now write them out.. well a few of them. because I need to. the rest I'll do in ceramics. while I might end up the only one there for. which is fine, since that means chilling with mr.bone, the coolest teacher ever. anyways. it'll be the last time he'll be the teacher for my class and that's enough reason in itself to go. jeebus. 
prolly not gunna sleep much tonight. still have a ton of work to do to prepare things for tomorrow and I have to wake up in less than 7 1/2 hours. oh snap. might get to sleep at midnight and get 6 hours sleep. but I doubt it. not enough time in a day. then like, 4 partyish things tomorrow. busybusybusy. can't wait to see all my tsawwassen folk. I am a dork, I know this very well. I also have almost no sense of when I should shut up cause no one wants to hear things, but that's ok cause I have awesome friends who love me anyways. 

tickets got booked today. leaving on Monday and coming back on the 30th, so I do get to be here for new years. it will be all fun and games. and and and. ENERGY in stoopid quantities. I hope our little fro chicka can handle us after all. Hawaii... hmmms. looks like I'll be out girlwatching a lot. Aliza would be proud. 

gunna have to wrap a few quick presents in the morning. sooooo bloody busy. might need to make a list to get everything organized so I can leave on time. 

-take pill/ put on ointment
-pick out clothes
-get dressed
-straighten hair and put on giant amounts of bracelets and such. 
-wrap presents
-pack everything I'll need ALL day into bag
-double check
-brush teeth
-go to school

the beauty of going to school for breakfast.

remember girls: spooning does not lead to forking. spooning leads to scissoring. so get out there and pretzel that taco.
 
<3 <3 

get ready to shove a bunch of stuff I don't like up your ass.

yay. my family is the best. *shoots self in head* all I ask for is peace, to not have to endure a war everytime they force me to be in a room with them, just for once to not have to hear about how I don't try enough and that I should know to speak perfect japanese after all the money they spent and all the ramming it down my throat. then I should bang my head ahistorical the wall, get perfect grades and become some pretentious job and make a ton of money and create something amazing, because nothing less is tolerated. I HAVE to go to the schools they want, make every move they decide, and at the same time they expect me to be self-sufficient. how can I do everything they want and still manage to be independent. they demand the impossible as if it is nothing. every time the enter the room they complain: I'm not neat enough, I don't put enough work into my school, I don't do enough academic courses, I wear too much makeup and look like a whore, I make myself look homeless with thrift store clothes, I'm not girly and fashionable enough, I don't let them use me as their puppet. I won't let them buy me. I'm disrespectful. I don't speak up. that is why I want nothing to do with them. I want nothing to do with the school system. the only sanctuary available is the refuge of books and the hidden corners of my mind where the stories brew. 

no longer are the things I once believed in still safe. the 'best friend' promises that were broken, the town I could once call home and make my way around as if it were my backyard, the secret hallways no else dared venture down in the dead of the night, the empty parks where the breeze helped to take my mind wondering far away, and the second bathroom to myself I could shut myself away in to pretend that nothing outside could ever get in. even the drugs that once helped me believe I could be safe have deserted me in my times of need. there is only another face, stranger to let me know I am real, to let the pain roll down my cheeks in a hot mess. 

and then there is miss. many know her as life. she hold the chains and has a firm grip on her whip to force you into compliance. she'll yank you up off of your knees and coddle you and give you a sweet taste of love. then she gets bored and once she knows you're hooked she'll have you spiraling, gasping for one more try, but she just wants to see you squirm. it is her biggest pleasure. the only thing your have to know before you figure out that she is a sadistic bitch. she doesn't want you to pick up the pieces. 

<3 <3       

jingle bells??.

so. Hawaii, apparently happening again. my wants to come back on the 2nd or 3rd so she doesn't have to be a loner on new years because she doesn't want to see what her friends left are doing. lazy. I have friends and plans, why should I cancel them to be dragged to Hawaii against my will??? stoopidity. some people need to get a life. 

great aunt just as bad as I though she'd be. as I was getting into the car she tries to drive away, then once we're in and she can actually drive away she yells for the whole three blocks we get before she stops and turns around so we can take our own car and get away from her. then the rest of the night she proceeds to pretend to be the perfect, caring great aunt whilst still dissing me at every point possible. honestly, who shit in her corn flakes??good thing my great grandma won't remember tonight too well, even if it was her 90..... 2nd??? birthday.

I has a ride to tsawwassen for Friday :) the nikki is stoked. so many parties and shinanigans that day to go to. trying to squeeze it all in will be hard.

that is all, I is shleepy.
<3 <3 

shoot me.

 mmmm face. not AS bad, still pretty painful. spoons + taking out eyeballs= bad. even if it's just what it feels like, not reality. fail. 

in other news, the one act play I was supposed to be in, has been cancelled. due to losing a director and main actor (same person) to school issues. great. especially because he was also in the one I'm directing and I'll have to recast, pulling from the already small enough pool of drama kids available. I think u have something like... 3 or 4 to choose from. and only two know how to put any emotion in. neither are right for the part though. dilemma!!!!!! too bad we couldn't all fold, but this is a big chunk of my grade, so I should be doing it. really just want to start on writing my own right now though. so many ideas flowing for what I want to do. 

also, mr.bone is pretty much figured that bitchface is taking his day 2s from him. which suckkkkks, since he was one of the reasons that I came to the school in the first place. and if she makes us do paper mâché I will storm out of that class. it will be a big scene, now don't make me do it. apparently she's moving stuff in starting Friday. *makes mental list of different names to call that whore* gunna miss having class with mr.bone. pottery club on day ones won't be enough. 

school year so far = fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk. failage. want to come back home. 

<3 <3

poof the magic face.

so I has laptop back... but I put the earbuds behind the poster dripping with blood so I can't use it... dammit.

yes, I am just cool enough to make my ww2 poster drip with blood because I don't think I have enough pictures.. next time more than 6 pages I guess, which sucks cause it'll take forever. anyways, there is blood on all the vets' faces and I don't think they'd like that but blood is the reality of war, so why not include that?? covered most of the space I needed to between pictures and blood, so good on me :) and then hopefully with the added newspaper articles it'll help bring up the grade. and with Sydney as a partner it'll make everything have more points. and the pity points for swollen face. 

so yeah, like half my face is puffy and painful now. joy to the world. as if I didn't already dread looking in the mirror enough. stoopid infection. or allergy.... but who the tits knows what I could be allergic to. just want the swelling to go away. it's kinda REALLY a pain in the ass. or I suppose pain in the face. plus I've had at least 5 little kids stop and gawk at me today. don't want to know what that number would be like in school. but alas, we shall see tomorrow if people decide it's time to laugh at nikki for things she can't help day. which would be pure evil, I'd have to punch some bitches out.

so now that I'm doing a bit better than last nights freakout, I suppose it's time to go over the weekend. Friday night was freaking crazy. rockband and beatles rockband for hours on end, only stopping for a 1 1/2min dinner break (where I learned I can sing and eat at the same time) and for a quick game of DDR. and the jax dance thinger that went on for at least 30mins. then rushed from jaxed out to the musical night of awesomeness. and we ended up sleeping segrigated by sexuality. the gay corner (surprise surprise I was in the very corner), bisexual couch, and the one mattress for the 3 straight girls.... who kept me up for forever. geek was talking in her sleep again, and got a few random lines out of her. then in the morning managed to forget our little fro girl while waiting for vancouver's bus. then had to race to my wife's play after the bus came, with my rainbow umbrella. and of course it was awesomesauce because of her, now if only closets would go die in a hole. at least a good 30-45mins later I still ended up talking in a Russian accent. win. 

today was kinda fail. mainly dedicated to my face.... as odd as that sounds. last week, FINALLY!!!!

just hanging on for new years...

<3 <3

I can see rock bottom and it isn't too far.

yeah I suck, I know. didn't get a chance to post yesterday. but with the whole spending the night in tsawwassen thing I didn't really have a way..

so yeah. jaxed out was awesome. rockband and beatles rockband made my life. after that to the freaking awesome party of musicals and epic people and never-ending fun... well it seemed never-ending at the time. until waking up this morning. no idea what I did last night to make my neck in so much pain, and now that I'm home and not hiding behind a sheet of my hair I realised that I have a like tumor of puss under my skin obstructing the inside of my right eye. right now, it about halfway closed even when trying to widen my eyes. and when it closes all the way it hurts, including blinking. and so the right side of my face looks like I'm from pandora.. but not blue. and of course it's pushing down on my tear duct so my eye's all watery and my whole face pretty much is in pain. and it just won't drain easily. after at least an hour it looks the same. hate myself right now.

speaking of hating myself.. thought of three things that I want for Christmas. 1. eyebrows 2. skin that doesn't constantly get infecting in 1000000 places at once 3. take away that stoopid human desire to love and be loved. it only leads to heartbreak and stoopidity. 

now off to endure some time without Internet and not be able to do my project and study everything. fuck yeah. failing at everything.

<3 <3 

unfair.

just a short blurb again today cause I'm on my iPod still. and it really sucks. 

so my art teacher was given the actual position because the teacher before took too long a leave and leagally couldn't get her job back. now she wants it back way too late. she goes to the highest in line. someone in the school board counsel or whatever says sure, give her her job back even when it's illegal and kick out the teacher we hired in her place. BULLSHIT!!! not like she can even teach art. she should be a gr.1 teacher if anything. so now she wants to come back day twos.. the day I have ceramics. I refuse to do paper mâché all bloody year long. so we're gunna fight. along with mr.bone's lawyer we'll have a petition going on. but the clock is ticking... they want him out by the end of Christmas break.

just another thing to add to the list of things I need to organize and make happen. roller derby, rainbow club as more a regular thing, GSA at Palmer... so much to do.

tomorrows the weekendddd!!! well.... after school anyways. getting my party on. what about you??? 

tacos for life 

<3 <3 

raindrops.

so I totally wasn't falling asleep while typing yesterday... if it made no sense don't blame me. anyways... the bitch still has my laptop cause why else would I have one but to let her use it ALL THE FUCKING TIME!?!?!?! just like that last one, which she used more than me, threw and broke, then told ME to pay to have it fixed. 

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why she is the bitch (amongst other things)

so other then that.. shit day was shit. woke up late to the pouring rain, sub that pissed me off in drama, back to shitty seating plan in english, no lunch, still almost failing physics, didn't get to get coffee, apparently have to put a shit ton of work into like all my subjects cause 'I'm a smart girl and I can do better, but I just don't manage my time well'. well fuck you guys too. I'm sorry if I hate this fucking city and I just want to be home where we have GOOD drama, GOOD higher level English, and a freaking fantastic choir. not to mention, actually have psych and mechanics. oh and all my bloody friends are back there, and no matter how much I try and how much a couple people out here are kinda like tsawwassenites, it's not the same. oh and constantly being moved about and never knowing what's happening enough to be able to settle myself at a 'home' doesn't help. and even when we do find a place to live we're almost never there, so how do you expect me to do homework and do well in classes I don't want to be taking in a school I don't want to be going to??? any brain capacity that could be used to learn is being used trying to keep the bitch from boiling over since she can do that at a moments notice. and subjects I really don't want to take anywhere that I'm failing I have to work so fucking hard to try and keep up and pass that everything else is being dragged down. right now I'm hanging on to all my courses by my fingertips. quite honestly I don't even think I want to, let alone can, graduate anymore. what's the point?? to forfill some stoopid requirement society has to go into the 'real world'??? we're living it every day. and being in school is harder than anyone's job ever. adults prolly couldn't even do the work we do now, let alone adding in the factors of trying to find who you are, your true friends, fighting the raging hormones. they would die. yet they get mad at us when we don't forfill every last thing they want us to do. BULLSHIT!!! so they try to barter to get their way.. "if you can bring up your mark and show you understand from now on I'll pretend term 1 never happened and erase the fail." because that's gunna help me learn the two years of stuff plus first term that I ddnt understand. I'm behind for a reason, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!!!! jeebus. they all think they're the only important one, and every past subject want everything I have put into it. I have nothing to start with after giving it all away bit by bit in past years. so there's no way I can put the effort in. so they guilt me and make me feel like shit for not doing all they want me to do. then wonder why I resent them. fucking pricks. oh and while you're at it might as well make me decide RIGHT NOW what I want to do for the rest of my life, because you guys obviously got it right the first time. in grade 11. when you had no mental, emotional, or physical energy left to give. that is why I hate school. that is why I hate life. and that is why I want to get the fuck away from the bloody school system. besides, what's wrong with the picture when you can drop school altogether without parental permisson at 16, but you can't drop a single class to take it online where you might actually understand it without permission from both your parent and your teacher. 

those tears hiding right behind my eyelids, bursting out at the end of every class, everytime a teacher tells me how badly I'm doing now, and every night when I relive the day are all your fault. fuck you, school system. fuck you, conformity.

oh and then come home in the dark and rain to another night where I'm still almost starving, but too afraid to ask my mom if I'm allowed to have more to eat. then it gets interesting. while I was staring at my homework, trying to decide if it's worth it to do I hear a bang. look out the window to see a few cars with hazard lights on. climb up on the table and see a huge crash. one car just finishing sliding with the entire front end smashed in. smoke or steam or both clouding the view. so I run downstairs and tell my mom, who decides we should go check it out. we get down and dial 911 as we go. eventually we get the story and the police get there before we head back home. girl's driving down the street through an intersection on a green light. buddy with a 10 year old and a 3 year old in the back runs a red light and hits the girl, spinning her so she's head on to the traffic and has no front of the car. then by the time we're there he tries to say it's her fault. and she should be sorry because he has kids in the car. fucking prick. girl's crying and in shock and still trying to meet up with her friend she was on the way to meet. and freaking out thinking that the cops will blame her because of the stoopid guy. good thing we peaced when we did. didn't want to talk to cops or firefighters and stuff. just hope it's all ok.

the world is soooo bloody unfair. and it sucks, but everyone learns to put up with bullshit. why should we have to? we should be able to freely do what we want, who we want, and have things go acording to plan. but they don't. people judge each other, some give into the fear of being judged, and everyone leaves off hating everything. good fucking life?? I think not. 

rainbows and tacos and sex.

<3 <3 

dreams.

and once again it's back to ipodness. surprise surprise. 

started out the day all.... normal?? and then proceeded to hate my life. 0 on kanji test, and just doodled on my math quiz. the way to bring up my grades for sure.. just can't seem to muster up enough motivation. apparently that has to mean that I'm depressed. not that I can't understand that, I just never linked the word straight to me before. I've know there was SOMETHING wrong with me for a long time, and I don't mean the whole gay thing either. just never totally clicked. hmmm. family history of depression, I've been pretty emo for years, maybe there's a connection?? yeah. I'm stoopid. maybe I can blame that for me wanting to just be rid of everything, feeling useless and unloveable. afterall, who could even put up with me??

after a few hours or so of that I watched glee. freaking awesome. Kurt is just epic. and the best Christmas gift idea for sue was obviously a soul. everything makes me want to jump up and down and squeee and have it all be perfect. just like when Santa decides to be that awesome. 

still kinda being emo and wondering what the point of anything is anymore. everyone just is. all the possessions mean nothing, the words that seem to have no meaning when they aren't  followed through action. everything just false and lies of what I really am.

<3 <3

fckh8.

so today I've been getting really into the whole fckh8 thing. I loved it before, but seriously, just checked out all the new stuff for the fck bullies line. NEED TO GET STUFF!!! and even though I don't like christmas I shall make a list of stuffs from the website that I like and want.

Black American Apparel Vintage Tri-Blend "Some Chicks Marry Chicks" 

purple 'some kids rgay. that's ok.' and 'fckh8' mini buttons

pink 'some chicks marry chicks' mini button

fckh8.com wristband

also have a deeeeeep lust for the pivotstar sin e star sleeveless hoodie.

because I'm just a derby freak like that. and pivotstar is NOM!! if I don't end up getting this stuff for christmas I shall hope that I get money so I can buy a visa giftcard and buy this stuff online. 

or yeknow... wait for my birthday...

really need to get cracking on trying to get a gsa at palmer. should keep me busy. besides it's something that NEEDS to be done. with all the stoopid bullying and homophobic slurs going around. can't really blame those who felt the need to take their lives. honestly, it's hard enough getting through high school without it, but with peers and family being such dicks how the hell do they expect to keep us alive? how can they not realize all the pain they've single-handedly created? it's bullshit. they know, they just want to hide behind their fucking excuses so they can get away with it. they like to see others squirm. unless they liked inflicting pain, how could they possibly live that way? and they say we are the bad ones, the ones who ruin families and communities. it seems as though more and more people are coming out every day, yet homophobes think they can suppress us and pretend we don't exist? FCK THAT!!!

every bloody day I wake up, cover myself in rainbows, and fight. so many others out there are doing the same thing. now wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to fight? if we could just relax and live peacefully all together? and that is why the world needs change.

time to recharge for another day of fighting.

taco attack.

<3 <3

xxxmas.

so of course as soon as I get my laptop back from my grandparents my mom decides she hasn't used it for too long and steals... great. as if I haven't been waiting long enough.

today didn't even get to finish unpacking my room. did the bathroom and worked on the kitchen instead. and went into twas and free spa dayness and Santa.. but he'd left by the time we got there so just lots of gingerbread. hot stone massages are like sex. maybe even better. which is extremely hard to do. but heat and pressure and NOM!!! doesn't hurt that it's usually a girl using her hands to make you feel good with your top off... hehe. 

found out I can't use my shower properly. the water hits the celing if it's turned on too much, so you have to put it on only a little. and you can't aim the stream... it goes straight down.  pain in the ass. annnd my great aunt tried to help me pack by doing the bathroom... turns out she forgot a drawer. with all my jewlery and headbands and such. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

I'm not sure about this place, didn't like it from the start. but my mom's insisting. and I want to bloody punch her. although she did get us uninvited from Hawaii. got into a fight with my grandma and my grandma uninvited her and she won't let me go without her. so I won't have to go to Hawaii. annnnnd I'm hoping I don't have to celebrate Christmas at all. it's stoopid. pretty much a day to be with family and love and crap. I hate my family and want nothing to do with them. and I'm not religious. so what's the point?? presents? I'm not a material bitch. plus I'd rather have my friends be happy and I have pretty muc everything I want... besides a fckh8 shirt, pivotstar sleeveless hoody, and new roller skates. but still... my birthday's just over a month after Christmas. so I will refuse to celebrate. 

the traffic on the street keeps on coming, but the thoughts to help me on my in class essay tomorrow just don't seem to begin. yayy more fails.

mmmmm soft tacos with extra sauce XD

<3 <3 

moved.

moving is a bitch. honestly, managed to pack my room and get it all in the truck in 3 hours. I hadn't packed anything but my closet. skills. then has taken 13 hours so far to unload. I still have 3 1/2 boxes left. big boxes, grrr.

heated floors, stalker post, and more outlets make me happy. my room is yellow, supposed to be calming... hasn't worked so far. I can see the bus stop from my window. it's right outside te house. I can hear it go by loud and clear, along with anything else on the road. greeeeeat. but one if my roommates is adorable and super azn and the perfect azn girly voice. 

sooooo freaking tired. can't wait for hot stone massage tomorrow. gunna feel sooo bloody good. and SANTA!! 

my mom freaks out at everything just because she can. once the weekend's over, that stress alone can crush you flat. the nikki is off to lalaland. eat those tacos.  

<3 <3 

blah.

this time my laptop is at my grandparent's house. computer guy's putting Photoshop on (finally) sometime this weekend. I hope. and that is why I am on my iPod yet again. 

just got back from narnia and after party awhile ago. freaking tired. great show, wayyy too much running around and such from friend-hyperness so now I'm like.. dead. oh joy. plate of pickles at white spot for the win. for the record I am so much more out of the loop then I thought. I didn't know at least 6-10 people in the party.. it made me feel so much like an outsider. everything I'm missing, the fact I know pretty much nothing about the school life. all sorts of things go on and I'm unthought of. this sucks. 

so.. drag performance for spring talent thinger. for sure. STOKEEEED!!! now if only fast forwarding worked is real life. could really use a bunch of sleep and bodily rest. ooops. fell asleep on iPod... 

tacos <3 <3 

circus.

soooooooooooooooooo bloody cold on set today. and wasn't REALLY worth doing it... I know it's like an extra $70-something but to be freezing and stuff for that long, taking away time I could've been studying, in class, and packing for moving in two days (cause I still have tons to pack.) but at least I met some chill people.. in the rain. but at least I got fed today.. although there was a wall of people in front of the heaters so it was bloody cold. and got tarot readings done.

need to figure out how the hell to make things work. pass my classes, motivate myself to do anything, get drag performance put together for santa's breakfast, get packed and move (even though I want to fucking kill anyone who even mentions the idea), be in tsawwassen more, get out of going to hawaii, go roller skate. magic pill?? dunno. any ideas let me know. so bloody disoriented and tired and running out of time for everything. need to pick up my report card tomorrow since they wouldn't let me grab it before I left today. not at all looking forward to it. how the bloody hell am I going to pass gr.11??? honestly, all my friends are freaking brilliant and beautiful. and then there's me.... stoopid, ugly, good-for-nothing loser. everyone around me is complaining about only getting 85% on tests or whatever, then there's me: lucky if I can even pass it. each day I go to class, I end up leaving trying to fight back the tears. I want to do better, I just can't do it. my whole life I've been trying to make everyone happy. get the grades my family wants, take the courses my mom wants me to, do all these stoopid modeling things that make me hate myself a little more each time. plus every single day I have to play slave. and people wonder why I can't just get it and do everything. even better, they don't understand why I'm different. why I'm not a silly little sheep, following every stoopid trend and following the heard over the cliff to an untimely creative death. 

conformity: the act of giving up, letting others decide who you are, what you believe, and every little thing about you. you have no such thing as a mind. your very soul has been sucked out of you by the starving carcases of  what were once human beings. 

welcome to my pity party,

<3 <3

the killing.

today, I was on set for the killing. OOOPS. not supposed to talk about it. oh well. was kinda cool.... sat around for hours just for 15 mins of walking down a hall on camera. and not getting dinner. but coffee and biscotti NOM!!! yeahhhh.. boring. back on set tomorrow at 1.30. not looking forward to school/ report cards/ moving/ everything.

so my mom said we'd take this place I REALLY don't want. the kitchen is piled with dishes everywhere. and 4 FREAKING ROOMMATES!! blood fucking tits. so what if the floors are heated and it's like... $850 a month or whatever. if I can't fit my stuff in my room how the hell am I supposed to live there??? and yet again, less than a week notice before I move. 3 days. and of course I have to wake up early after a late night of seeing my besties back in twas, come back to richmond, and move shtuffs. I shall be dead. and in order to move I have to delay seeing awesomesauce christmas play with my wifey being awesome in it. no fair. oh ANNND get this. since we're moving 'on time' I prolly have to go to hawaii. I dunt wanna go. honestly, I hate sun, I don't swim, my family pisses me off, and I already have plans for new years which I really don't wanna ditch. (come on, I'm trying to get energy drink body shots going on.) so yeash. my family sucks. especially my mom. as if the whole world didn't already know... I would be fine with not getting anything for christmas if I could just go home, live there, and not go to hawaii. that's all I really want. kinda funny, cause my whole family keeps asking if I need a new winter coat (cause I do, the one I have now makes me want to cry everytime I see it so I don't wear it as much as I can get out of it.) but of course the one they want to get me are equally as girly and annoying. the second I show them any of the guys jackets I want they give me a look like I'm an alien, then tell me how I need to be fashionable and feminine and all this bullshit. so I've given up. I will freeze through the winter if I have to in order to get my family to realize I'm different. do I really have to spell it out for them?? ... scaryyy. OMIGAWDDDDS!! I just realized how much of a closet lurker I am around my family... after my mom was stoopid about it....

my foot has been cramping every few minutes for the last few hours. it sucks. makeee it stooooop!!! ..wait. it's gone for now. oh joy XD

so I have fallen even more for taylor momsen. she's a babe!! just sayinggg. andandand... just NOM. I think I might have to post a to do list up here sometime... hehehehe. this shall be interestingggg. be prepared for awesomesauce. ok??

nikki needs a job. so she can 

1. buy her own stuff. and all my awesomesauce derbyness and actually go out downtown and shizz. *coughcoughGABcoughcough* 

2. MOVE OUT (for obvious reasons)

3. afford to live in the vancouver area.

it's taco time from 6 to 9 =P

<3 <3