leaving behind the good life. it dawns on me that this means going back. to all the trouble. to where I have pipes of work to get done in no time. where in less than a day I literally don't have a place to live.
the distraction was much needed. the chance to take in the beauty of a world so peaceful and amazing. the chance to see 5 brilliant peices of work, visit a culture that invites me in every way possible. the time to just take a break from all the shit and talk and feel and listen and taste and all that.
although I wonder if I really shouldve taken the time off. now I will be struggling even more to try to work out all the school shit. and there's just that much more of a shocking change to come back to.
but it's given me some time. time needed to think a little. live a little. the upsetting part is some of the conclutions I've come to. I have to make a huge choice. I can choose to go through with a parcial transition and feel at home with my body more often. or I can choose to continue with my dream of playing wftda-aproved roller derby. if I decide to take a few doses of T there will be no way that I'd be allowed to play on a womens team dye to the fact that I'd physically be at too much of an advantage. with the extra testosterone I'd have a more muscle-prone body. and I wouldn't be able to play on a mens team because of the fact that I would still be physically female enough that I would get injured by almost every other player because I wouldn't have a high enough level if testoterone to compete with them. and there aren't any co-ed teams that are very well known or even strong enough to have the same amount of love. particularly in the Vancouver area. possibly once I move to San Fran. but who knowns when and if that will even happen...
so in stuck. I really don't know what to do.
for now just take it one rotation of the wheels at a time. and hope everything works out at some point...
<3 <3
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
that's what I call entertainment.
sooo. to kill a mockingbird. was freaking beautiful. it's was pretty much the best of the plays. not only because it was the only one I really knew about in great detail. or because they stuck with the original setting and such. it was brilliant. the set, as usual was beyond amazing. the swing set just fell on stage, the house sillouettes worked well, and the courtroom was just crazy.
then there was the language archive. with a cast of five it's hard to do so much, but they pulled it off. I quite enjoyed it.. until they decided to go and ruin the mystery by making it all happy and wrapped up and rawr. epilogues suck. if you absolutely HAVE to have one, don't have your characters tell their own stories. at least have them tell each others'. *facepalm* but I still liked it.
great day for seeing the town. I looove it all. except there's still. bits that I haven't gotten around to. three days here is not nearly enough to see everything. but hopefully we'll get some exploring time here tomorrow. that would be great. just make life happy :) and having to wear a dress not as much like murder... cause murder may be fun for the murderer, but not so much with the murderee.
oh. and I have a twin. .... a straight twin....
<3 <3
then there was the language archive. with a cast of five it's hard to do so much, but they pulled it off. I quite enjoyed it.. until they decided to go and ruin the mystery by making it all happy and wrapped up and rawr. epilogues suck. if you absolutely HAVE to have one, don't have your characters tell their own stories. at least have them tell each others'. *facepalm* but I still liked it.
great day for seeing the town. I looove it all. except there's still. bits that I haven't gotten around to. three days here is not nearly enough to see everything. but hopefully we'll get some exploring time here tomorrow. that would be great. just make life happy :) and having to wear a dress not as much like murder... cause murder may be fun for the murderer, but not so much with the murderee.
oh. and I have a twin. .... a straight twin....
<3 <3
we're like cars on a cable.
plays. gahhh. so the imaginary invalid was amazing. 60s musical style =P Ella yeah. with random referances to americanness of current times... but yeah :)
then measure for measure. it was good. great acting, amazing set, and try used pretty much the original script, but dear gods. the 70s American setting. that fucked shit up. in ways it didn't work at all, but you can tell they tried to make it work. I totally appreciate the fact that they made sure it was know how much sexual innuendo shakes actually puts into his works, but it was a little too... modern and not true to what they were trying to get across. the carry out was fantastic, but the idea was a bit flawed.
so yeah. just gunna go pass out for 6 1/2 hours and do it all again..
<3 <3
then measure for measure. it was good. great acting, amazing set, and try used pretty much the original script, but dear gods. the 70s American setting. that fucked shit up. in ways it didn't work at all, but you can tell they tried to make it work. I totally appreciate the fact that they made sure it was know how much sexual innuendo shakes actually puts into his works, but it was a little too... modern and not true to what they were trying to get across. the carry out was fantastic, but the idea was a bit flawed.
so yeah. just gunna go pass out for 6 1/2 hours and do it all again..
<3 <3
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
this is weird, fucking weird.
freedom at last. away from the confines of stress and all the daily life. away on a bus going 60miles/hr away from that so-called home. yes, the lb- fest is getting a little old, but in all honesty it's good. everyone around is just doing their own thing, leaving each to make their own stoopid mistakes.
there is no feeling like just floating away from the structure of society back home. gone gone gone. four more days till any worry of where I'll be living for the next chapter of my life. four almost a week before I have to worry about being all caught up in classes after my little trek. for once I have money to spend on whatever little things meet my fancy, yet almost not will to spend it. just being away gives me enough peace that objects are no longer desired. the only worry being where the next rest stop will be. the simple life indeed.
then again there could be worry about being there. me sharing a space with two other girls. I like being on my own, it's good. being forced to cohabitate with others isn't exactly fun. I like being able to just let the shower water wash away the pain of the day, just taking my time. now I have to hurry so someone else can have their turn. I like being able to just shut the door and be alone with my thoughts. I like not having to worry who's watching every moment. it's an exchange. there's always some good and some bad.
busbusbus. this is the chamber where everything is just in between. welcome to leaving everything behind.
then there's the sitting and thinking. she haunts my thoughts. every song makes me think of her, every memory rushing back. and every new memory being made is somehow linked to what she is and will always be to me.
timing never does seem to like me. if only we'd met a few years down the road when everything could actually work out. no, instead it's just messed up everything. fun shizz.
<3 <3
there is no feeling like just floating away from the structure of society back home. gone gone gone. four more days till any worry of where I'll be living for the next chapter of my life. four almost a week before I have to worry about being all caught up in classes after my little trek. for once I have money to spend on whatever little things meet my fancy, yet almost not will to spend it. just being away gives me enough peace that objects are no longer desired. the only worry being where the next rest stop will be. the simple life indeed.
then again there could be worry about being there. me sharing a space with two other girls. I like being on my own, it's good. being forced to cohabitate with others isn't exactly fun. I like being able to just let the shower water wash away the pain of the day, just taking my time. now I have to hurry so someone else can have their turn. I like being able to just shut the door and be alone with my thoughts. I like not having to worry who's watching every moment. it's an exchange. there's always some good and some bad.
busbusbus. this is the chamber where everything is just in between. welcome to leaving everything behind.
then there's the sitting and thinking. she haunts my thoughts. every song makes me think of her, every memory rushing back. and every new memory being made is somehow linked to what she is and will always be to me.
timing never does seem to like me. if only we'd met a few years down the road when everything could actually work out. no, instead it's just messed up everything. fun shizz.
<3 <3
Monday, April 25, 2011
thrill me, chill me, forfill me.
so I had a dream this morning. somehow I'd gotten depressed to the point that the only way I would be outside is I someone put me in a wheelchair and pushed me. so someone was pushing me around this little town trying to cheer me up with makeup and dance and water and stuff. except the whole town was made of places that remind me of HER. everywhere I looked I'd just remember all the good times we shared and was getting more and more depressed. then I saw the water.. the had this amazing boat parked in a spot where you could see from all of the town. and there she was, sitting out in the open. then some girl walked by and she stopped the girl, put a necklace around her neck in a super-intimate way, then grabbed the girl's hand and brought her on deck. next time I saw them they were making out. at this point I was honestly dying inside. I mean, one of the main things that she didn't think would work with us is the fact that she's terrified to come out. and seeing her with another physically-female being just shattered my heart yet again. I know it's just a dream, but it felt so real. like everything I ever had with her was a lie.
the best way to start the day? I think not.
then as I was packing I found this envolope from English class last year. we all had to write something nice about everyone else in the class. I'd put maddy's and her's on the top because last time I looked at them we were all three pretty fucking close. when I read over her's this whole thing just didn't make sense. she knew who I was, what I'm like, yet she decided after making be fall head over heels for her AND spending so much of my life loving her she decides she doesn't like who I am anymore?? WHAT THE FLYING FUCKCAKES???? she knows me 10 times better than I know her because I put myself out there, she never really wanted to talk about herself and I respected that. I just wish I'd forced her to talk more. so I could know what she wanted a little more, know her a little more. that way I would know what to avoid.
annnd back to the hermit shell.
except NO
leaving at the crack of dawn for ashland. it'll be great. can't wait to just be far, far away from all the drama and shizz. and where else but a freaking Shakespeare festival can I do that??
only bad part is the fact that we still haven't found a place. which means I have no clue where I'm coming 'home' to. fuckkkk my life.
this should be interesting.
<3 <3
the best way to start the day? I think not.
then as I was packing I found this envolope from English class last year. we all had to write something nice about everyone else in the class. I'd put maddy's and her's on the top because last time I looked at them we were all three pretty fucking close. when I read over her's this whole thing just didn't make sense. she knew who I was, what I'm like, yet she decided after making be fall head over heels for her AND spending so much of my life loving her she decides she doesn't like who I am anymore?? WHAT THE FLYING FUCKCAKES???? she knows me 10 times better than I know her because I put myself out there, she never really wanted to talk about herself and I respected that. I just wish I'd forced her to talk more. so I could know what she wanted a little more, know her a little more. that way I would know what to avoid.
annnd back to the hermit shell.
except NO
leaving at the crack of dawn for ashland. it'll be great. can't wait to just be far, far away from all the drama and shizz. and where else but a freaking Shakespeare festival can I do that??
only bad part is the fact that we still haven't found a place. which means I have no clue where I'm coming 'home' to. fuckkkk my life.
this should be interesting.
<3 <3
when I'm your lover and your mistress.
cool one more day to pack everything. and we still haven't found a place. if we don't find anything we're moving in with my grandma and grandpa temporarily. dunno if that's good or not. I mean, they spoil me, I'd get actual cooked dinners every night, I'd be super close to one epic person, and not too far from another. except for tunnel in the morning. and having to wake up at the crack of dawn to get to school on time.
this shizz is crazy. just want to find somewhere to just STAY and not have to worry about anything. so I can actually try to do well in school and all that jazz. maybe even start to have low stress levels. even better, manage to get everything under control AND get a girl to make all the work to get school stuff under control and make room for a social life worth it. hehe. but yeahhh not gunna happen. the more places I look at, the less hopeful I am that we'll find something. I just want to sit in a corner and pretend the world around me has dissappeared.
I need more epic friends who actually are part of my life in reality, not just at school or online. people who will be able to just spend time with me and make me feel wanted. people that I can share everything with and we know everything about each other.
on a side note, I pretty much told almost my whole family that I would rather wear a guy's suit than a dress. the response wasn't great, but it felt good just telling them. I don't want there to be secrets. and I don't know how to explain myself completely yet, so that makes it difficult.. what am I??a genderqueer lesboface?? I know I prefer cis-gendered females, some trans-guys, and some trans-girls. I'll pass 99.9% of the time on cis-gendered males. myself, I don't fig into any one gender. I float up and down the scale from completely femmey girl to manly man, and anywhere in between. sometimes completely removing myself and feeling just.... human or a part of the circle of life or something. connected to the world, genderless.
so how would I explain that to my family???
you know what to do...
<3 <3
this shizz is crazy. just want to find somewhere to just STAY and not have to worry about anything. so I can actually try to do well in school and all that jazz. maybe even start to have low stress levels. even better, manage to get everything under control AND get a girl to make all the work to get school stuff under control and make room for a social life worth it. hehe. but yeahhh not gunna happen. the more places I look at, the less hopeful I am that we'll find something. I just want to sit in a corner and pretend the world around me has dissappeared.
I need more epic friends who actually are part of my life in reality, not just at school or online. people who will be able to just spend time with me and make me feel wanted. people that I can share everything with and we know everything about each other.
on a side note, I pretty much told almost my whole family that I would rather wear a guy's suit than a dress. the response wasn't great, but it felt good just telling them. I don't want there to be secrets. and I don't know how to explain myself completely yet, so that makes it difficult.. what am I??a genderqueer lesboface?? I know I prefer cis-gendered females, some trans-guys, and some trans-girls. I'll pass 99.9% of the time on cis-gendered males. myself, I don't fig into any one gender. I float up and down the scale from completely femmey girl to manly man, and anywhere in between. sometimes completely removing myself and feeling just.... human or a part of the circle of life or something. connected to the world, genderless.
so how would I explain that to my family???
you know what to do...
<3 <3
Saturday, April 23, 2011
the good and the bad times we've been through them all.
so I didn't post yesterday.. sorry. just been tired and had a friend over and pa king and looking for houses like crazy.
so I needed a break to just chill and pretend everything is honky dory.
the boxes are back. they are pretty much evil. then again, they help you learn what you absolutely need for day to day life, and what is just crap you keep around for no reason. there's a lot of that stuff.. I'm trying to cut back, but things have centimental value and you don't want to throw them away. like the things I threw away thinking I didn't need them a few years back.. drawings I'd done with Orion and stuff like that... then when I wanted something to remember him by I didn't have much left.
I don't want to accidently do something like that again.
but these items are having less and less of a hold on me. each time it becomes easier to just dump things into boxes without thinking about it. I just work on it and then it's done fairly quickly. they aren't me anymore.
I look at these items and I wonder a little about the person they belong to. what would they be know as, how is their life playing out, what does each thing remind me of.
then again I could just be too tired to bother to think on my own.
you know the drill..
<3 <3
so I needed a break to just chill and pretend everything is honky dory.
the boxes are back. they are pretty much evil. then again, they help you learn what you absolutely need for day to day life, and what is just crap you keep around for no reason. there's a lot of that stuff.. I'm trying to cut back, but things have centimental value and you don't want to throw them away. like the things I threw away thinking I didn't need them a few years back.. drawings I'd done with Orion and stuff like that... then when I wanted something to remember him by I didn't have much left.
I don't want to accidently do something like that again.
but these items are having less and less of a hold on me. each time it becomes easier to just dump things into boxes without thinking about it. I just work on it and then it's done fairly quickly. they aren't me anymore.
I look at these items and I wonder a little about the person they belong to. what would they be know as, how is their life playing out, what does each thing remind me of.
then again I could just be too tired to bother to think on my own.
you know the drill..
<3 <3
Friday, April 22, 2011
I just can't shake the thought of you.
when we are born we love everyone and everything unless it gives us a reason not to. when we enter preschool they try to teach is, prepare for being around kids our own age. and then they try to get us to learn things. first of all, lessons in society. but who came up with the idea of society? who decided what is beautiful, what is cool, when to do certain things, where is apropriate for others, why we say things, how we function and judge each other? this is all a crazy. none of it is real.
we progress along, learning to hate and descriminate based on any difference from this society someone just came up with the idea for. we continue to gain an education and become assimilated with the useless idea. we communicate with people without even knowing them, we judge people based on race, gender, hometown, sexual orientation, IQ, and grades in school, plus more. we learn this from the teachers who try to get us to conform. the ones who think we're all the same. we all come from different backgrounds, we don't know each others' pasts or what we're thinking, we understand things differently.
then we start to grow up while still having the need to descriminate being shoved down our throats and people tell us to be accepting and we don't know what to do.
then it's too late and we're all miserable excuses for human beings. happy fucking life.
tired of people NOT trying to give me ideas of what to rant about, I want to know what you think. and songs... guess the ones from my post titles :)
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!!
<3 <3
we progress along, learning to hate and descriminate based on any difference from this society someone just came up with the idea for. we continue to gain an education and become assimilated with the useless idea. we communicate with people without even knowing them, we judge people based on race, gender, hometown, sexual orientation, IQ, and grades in school, plus more. we learn this from the teachers who try to get us to conform. the ones who think we're all the same. we all come from different backgrounds, we don't know each others' pasts or what we're thinking, we understand things differently.
then we start to grow up while still having the need to descriminate being shoved down our throats and people tell us to be accepting and we don't know what to do.
then it's too late and we're all miserable excuses for human beings. happy fucking life.
tired of people NOT trying to give me ideas of what to rant about, I want to know what you think. and songs... guess the ones from my post titles :)
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!!
<3 <3
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
you could've called me up to say good luck.
nightmare. it's the nightmare that never ends. where unbelievable happinings are true AND LEGAL!! my heart breaks and my mind races.
so the final verdict: I have five days to pack and find a place. we aren't considered tennants, only occupants because my roommate just 'forgot' to mention that we were sub-letting from him until a bit before the guy downstairs died right before we met the landlord. so surprise, we have no rights. also, as of may 1st, no place to live. so it's a mad scramble to find and place and for me to pack up my shit before I leave for Ashland on Tuesday. my mom has the wxtra time till April 30 to pack, then start moving stuff while I'm on the bus coming home. so basically I dont know where I'll be living when I come home. in less than two weeks.
out of eight places we looked at today, none are really suitable. the first, back on the other side of Richmond and when people come over, to use the washroom they have to go through one of our bedrooms. the second, awkward illegal suite with no living room. the third, was too small. the fourth, no closets and small space. the fifth, my room would be half the size and I could only fit a bed and nighttable, no closet or anything, and the washing machine and dryer were on opposite sides of the suite, plus loud kids upstairs. the sixth, the stairs would make it impossible for furniture to get in, and the living room would be hard to even fit the couch. and the last, another without a living room. FUUUUU!!!
I'm so tired. mentally and physically. my back is killing me, more than usual. so much work and catching up and memorizing scripts to do it's making my head spin. need to get rod of everything I don't really use. I might have a total breakdown soon. big changes like this completely screw me over. need to prepare for crying myself to sleep the first few nights. and trying to settle in, but never feelingg safe or at home. tsawwassen will always be my home. more so on the streets of tsawwassen than in any place in Richmond.
I don't want to move again until it's away from my crazy-ass mother.
hit me up with more interesting things to talk about. guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!!!!
<3 <3
so the final verdict: I have five days to pack and find a place. we aren't considered tennants, only occupants because my roommate just 'forgot' to mention that we were sub-letting from him until a bit before the guy downstairs died right before we met the landlord. so surprise, we have no rights. also, as of may 1st, no place to live. so it's a mad scramble to find and place and for me to pack up my shit before I leave for Ashland on Tuesday. my mom has the wxtra time till April 30 to pack, then start moving stuff while I'm on the bus coming home. so basically I dont know where I'll be living when I come home. in less than two weeks.
out of eight places we looked at today, none are really suitable. the first, back on the other side of Richmond and when people come over, to use the washroom they have to go through one of our bedrooms. the second, awkward illegal suite with no living room. the third, was too small. the fourth, no closets and small space. the fifth, my room would be half the size and I could only fit a bed and nighttable, no closet or anything, and the washing machine and dryer were on opposite sides of the suite, plus loud kids upstairs. the sixth, the stairs would make it impossible for furniture to get in, and the living room would be hard to even fit the couch. and the last, another without a living room. FUUUUU!!!
I'm so tired. mentally and physically. my back is killing me, more than usual. so much work and catching up and memorizing scripts to do it's making my head spin. need to get rod of everything I don't really use. I might have a total breakdown soon. big changes like this completely screw me over. need to prepare for crying myself to sleep the first few nights. and trying to settle in, but never feelingg safe or at home. tsawwassen will always be my home. more so on the streets of tsawwassen than in any place in Richmond.
I don't want to move again until it's away from my crazy-ass mother.
hit me up with more interesting things to talk about. guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!!!!
<3 <3
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
and it's you and me, and all of the people.
change. for bigger things I don't exactly deal with it well. moving ONCE is already hard enough on me. after that I was terrorized. honestly, that first time was more than enough. that was also the biggest. first time living with a roommate, moving to a city we hadn't lived in before, going to a new school RIGHT when I'd managed to settle into the right crowd. it pretty much almost killed me. not to mention I started living a life that made me realize just how good I'd had it. it was the best school I've ever heard of. no fucking joke. so no wonder after the first day away I was already bawling, hoping for any way to get away from that hellhole.
now I realize I will never get a gr.8 buddy, I will never get to tape gr.8s to the wall, I will never get a chance to get a good part in an actual good production. also, every piece of costume that I'd given life to is no longer recognized as mine, my voice is no longer part of the choir, the art room doesn't have that extra big of sexualness. I will never get to walk around the oval for grad, go to validictory at the baptist, or have a grad picture taken with the class of 2012 across from the school at the field. I will never get to grab my heart on valentines day, audition for extrav, or see mr.bundhoo retire. I won't ever get to skip class to teach the kids how to squaredance.
then there's the more personal things that are my fault.. I will never get to hold her hand again while the rememberance day assembly is on, trying to help her be strong enough to not cry as much as she wants to. I will never again get to cheer her on as she goes into some crazy improv dance routine any time a song with a beat comes on. I will never get to take her to grad. I will never be with her for boat cruise or winter formal. I will never get to be part of her grad writeup. I will never get to see her in class and hope somewhere deep inside she is thinking about me.
then there is the second time I moved. honestly, by then I stopped caring. I didn't bother to completely unpack. this wasn't home, not the place where she had made me feel like I belonged in that moment. it's just another place tearing my sanity to pieces. my soul felt like it had been ripped from my body.
this is one of the contributing factors to my total dickery towards her, towards everyone. I stopped believing in good things. I stopped thinking anything would actually happen that I wanted. I tried to make her pay attention to me, give me enough of herself that I wouldn't realize there isn't enough of me in this body. I was not smart.
now I'm supposed to uproot again, when I'm at my most vulnerable. my grades have already taken the beating, my health tends to do the same for awhile, my heart is completely shattered, and there is nothing I can call my own. most of the time I feel I have nothing. so then rip another layer away, leave me naked and spurned. I will play the role of the perfect little robot. I won't feel the emotion behind the tears.
this is the part where the law should be taking over, giving me a full two months to figure shit out. not gunna happen if that bitch keeps getting away with whatever she wants. someone needs to stand up to her. I would do it if I had to.
this is the end.
let me talk about what's on your mind. guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or commet BELOW.
<3 <3
now I realize I will never get a gr.8 buddy, I will never get to tape gr.8s to the wall, I will never get a chance to get a good part in an actual good production. also, every piece of costume that I'd given life to is no longer recognized as mine, my voice is no longer part of the choir, the art room doesn't have that extra big of sexualness. I will never get to walk around the oval for grad, go to validictory at the baptist, or have a grad picture taken with the class of 2012 across from the school at the field. I will never get to grab my heart on valentines day, audition for extrav, or see mr.bundhoo retire. I won't ever get to skip class to teach the kids how to squaredance.
then there's the more personal things that are my fault.. I will never get to hold her hand again while the rememberance day assembly is on, trying to help her be strong enough to not cry as much as she wants to. I will never again get to cheer her on as she goes into some crazy improv dance routine any time a song with a beat comes on. I will never get to take her to grad. I will never be with her for boat cruise or winter formal. I will never get to be part of her grad writeup. I will never get to see her in class and hope somewhere deep inside she is thinking about me.
then there is the second time I moved. honestly, by then I stopped caring. I didn't bother to completely unpack. this wasn't home, not the place where she had made me feel like I belonged in that moment. it's just another place tearing my sanity to pieces. my soul felt like it had been ripped from my body.
this is one of the contributing factors to my total dickery towards her, towards everyone. I stopped believing in good things. I stopped thinking anything would actually happen that I wanted. I tried to make her pay attention to me, give me enough of herself that I wouldn't realize there isn't enough of me in this body. I was not smart.
now I'm supposed to uproot again, when I'm at my most vulnerable. my grades have already taken the beating, my health tends to do the same for awhile, my heart is completely shattered, and there is nothing I can call my own. most of the time I feel I have nothing. so then rip another layer away, leave me naked and spurned. I will play the role of the perfect little robot. I won't feel the emotion behind the tears.
this is the part where the law should be taking over, giving me a full two months to figure shit out. not gunna happen if that bitch keeps getting away with whatever she wants. someone needs to stand up to her. I would do it if I had to.
this is the end.
let me talk about what's on your mind. guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or commet BELOW.
<3 <3
they say my brain's due back tomorrow.
well. biggest shizz going on... it seemed like just another boring monday. school, school, school, rehearsal, go home. pretty standard?? that's what I thought. my grandma picked me up from school. not so normal. I get home, put my shit upstairs, and bring down my travel mug to wash. two of my roommates, my mom, my grandpa, and my landlord are sitting around the kitchen table. I can tell shit is about to go down, so I dump the mug and book it upstairs.
first thing I do is go on tumblr.. because I'm a dork.. then the yelling starts. there was literally 20mins of screaming without much of a break.. HATE MY LIFE.
the yelling stops. the front door slams. I'm guessing that was the landlord all pissed off. (found out throught my mom's facebook later that it was. she'd said she was gunna call the cops on us to get us to leave if we weren't gone by the end of the month. and her lawyer is coming over soon. fun shizz.)
then my mom, my grandpa, and the roommates are talking for another... hour or so.
and then it's all over and everything's like WOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED UPNESS.
so the whole ashland thing makes me worry. I get home around 9pm on the 30th. will I be able to come home? will my stuff have been carted to some other place while I was gone? rawr.
now that that's out of the way.. school. is shit. failing stuff and really don't even care anymore. at this point I just want things to stop changing so I can feel stable enough to actually put effort into anything.
wouldn't mind having a girlfriend right about now. someone to hold, to share everything with, to decrease the stress level. why is it so bloody hard to find a girl that actually likes me completely for who I am, not who they want me to be. and someone who isn't afraid to admit she loves me, is willing to parade around like any other couple. none of this hiding bullshit. I'm pretty done with that.
whatever. of to the land of hope and wonders. my happy place. any shizz you want me to talk about send it my way. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW
<3 <3
first thing I do is go on tumblr.. because I'm a dork.. then the yelling starts. there was literally 20mins of screaming without much of a break.. HATE MY LIFE.
the yelling stops. the front door slams. I'm guessing that was the landlord all pissed off. (found out throught my mom's facebook later that it was. she'd said she was gunna call the cops on us to get us to leave if we weren't gone by the end of the month. and her lawyer is coming over soon. fun shizz.)
then my mom, my grandpa, and the roommates are talking for another... hour or so.
and then it's all over and everything's like WOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED UPNESS.
so the whole ashland thing makes me worry. I get home around 9pm on the 30th. will I be able to come home? will my stuff have been carted to some other place while I was gone? rawr.
now that that's out of the way.. school. is shit. failing stuff and really don't even care anymore. at this point I just want things to stop changing so I can feel stable enough to actually put effort into anything.
wouldn't mind having a girlfriend right about now. someone to hold, to share everything with, to decrease the stress level. why is it so bloody hard to find a girl that actually likes me completely for who I am, not who they want me to be. and someone who isn't afraid to admit she loves me, is willing to parade around like any other couple. none of this hiding bullshit. I'm pretty done with that.
whatever. of to the land of hope and wonders. my happy place. any shizz you want me to talk about send it my way. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW
<3 <3
Monday, April 18, 2011
oh god, I already forgot your name.
not in the mood to really write much. so I shall just make a list of things I have a general appreciation for. in no particular order.
- facial hair of all sorts. I swear I will grow a soul patch at some point. I also love handlebar mustaches. or those almost homeless looking beards. my face, be there.
- girls with really big eyes. honestly, big eyes and long lashes and it's like GASMS!!!
- starbucks coffee. not only do they have strong enough coffee to keep me awake when I get a chance to grab some but they also have the whole (RED) line. including giftcards. giving back is awesome. and I get free soy :)
- blenz. no, I don't get free soy, but I get upsize on my drinks. and they don't help out as much but they do have a number to text to donate to japan right on their till though. and tea lattes to KILL for.
- techno/ dance/ electronica music. and trance. these beats are fucking amazing. there are no words to describe the fun times that will be sure to come when there are such amazing beats.
- the colour green. no matter what shade or what it is on, green is the most fucking brilliant colour ever. and when it is paired with purple it is like eyes are eating mounds of sugar. it's that good.
- eyes. any pictures of eyes where there's enough zoom to see the pattern of an eye are automatically the prettiest things ever. and the best eye colours... green. and teal. and purple. yeah... I LIKE EYES ;)
- rainbows. so many pretty colours in one place at one time. it's so beautiful. whaaaat doeees it meeeeeaaan? yes. double rainbows are cooler.
- hipsters. I don't exactly know what the official definition of a hipster is, but I have many so-called hipster friends. I love them dearly. they like some great bands and I often want to steal all their clothes after luring them to my room to fuck them because let's face it. HIPSTER CHICKS ARE HOT!
- thrift stores. where else can you find such amazing deals and buys things from such nice people? walking into thrift stores is like coming home after a long vacation. you discover all these great things you'd either forgotten about or had no clue about in the first place. plus you get to have things that NO ONE ELSE HAS!! originality is the basis of my existence.
- ink and metal. tattoos are ART. I would be privileged to someday be able to give people tattoos. and piercings are just fucking sexy. lip piercings. nom. septum. NOM. any girl with body mods is welcome in my bed anytime. no appointment necessary.
- dyed hair. there is almost NOTHING sexier than a girl with different hair. doesn't matter if it's BLEACH blonde, green, blue, red, pink, turquoise, purple, black, or even some shades of orange. it is love. and rainbows dyed into hair is a bonus XD
- ripped tights. they give off such an "I don't give a fuck" vibe. anyone who thinks like that is good in my books. CHILLLLLLLLLLLLL
- anything 60s, 70s, or 80s. I'm all about the peace and love and hugs and drugs and flowers and all of that. FREEDOM. it's all the world really needs. and really, shiney things and bright colours and all that shizz can't hurt at all. so why not? plus 80s music is pretty boss.
- GORE! anything that's bloody and gorey and makes most people super squeemish or sick makes me happy. except for if it means someone actually being hurt. it has to all be artistic. mostly fake blood and guts with makeup and prosthetics. or more low-risk actual gore. blood actually tastes pretty good..
- old school cameras. the hardcore photography ones with actual film. and polaroids. I would love to learn how to use a professional camera. and develop my own film.
- stretched ears. nothing too big. anything about 00 or under I find beautiful. the different plugs and tunnels you can find are amazing. I loooove the ones with little bugs and scorpions encased in the chunk of glass.
- anything artsy. poetry. theatre. photography. paintings. sculputres. artistic makeup. hair. graffiti. music. just anything that takes one little beautiful piece of the world and focuses on that. it literally sends chills down my spine most of the time. there is nothing better than that feeling.
- cars. the way the engines roar. all the pieces under the hood working together, connecting to things all over, making it all work. so much power.
- girls. I love everything about them. every curve of their bodies (yes, I have a thing for girls that AREN'T little bony twigs) the way they carry themselves. the softness of their skin. the way they are so strong yet so fragile. how they think they are so boring when really they are unique and amazing.I could write chapters about girls. but I'll just keep it to this for now.
- gender bending. it takes strenght to do something so bold. for those who can get away with it I am amazed. these people have the best of both sides of the gender spectrum. I'm jealous.
- bowties. if I could, I would wear one every day. I love them dearly. nothing says manly and powerful like a good bowtie. and on top of that. they are sooo much fun.
- binders. it still amazes me that there is one piece of clothing that has the ability to hide boobs so well. if a binder was a person I would give them a high five. and a hug.
- sex toys. just saying. where would lesbians today be without them? they're all good in my books. improving sex lives since... who the fuck knows when. but THANK THE GODS!!
that is all. for now. my brain is tired.
send my ideas and awesome things. and guess he songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
- facial hair of all sorts. I swear I will grow a soul patch at some point. I also love handlebar mustaches. or those almost homeless looking beards. my face, be there.
- girls with really big eyes. honestly, big eyes and long lashes and it's like GASMS!!!
- starbucks coffee. not only do they have strong enough coffee to keep me awake when I get a chance to grab some but they also have the whole (RED) line. including giftcards. giving back is awesome. and I get free soy :)
- blenz. no, I don't get free soy, but I get upsize on my drinks. and they don't help out as much but they do have a number to text to donate to japan right on their till though. and tea lattes to KILL for.
- techno/ dance/ electronica music. and trance. these beats are fucking amazing. there are no words to describe the fun times that will be sure to come when there are such amazing beats.
- the colour green. no matter what shade or what it is on, green is the most fucking brilliant colour ever. and when it is paired with purple it is like eyes are eating mounds of sugar. it's that good.
- eyes. any pictures of eyes where there's enough zoom to see the pattern of an eye are automatically the prettiest things ever. and the best eye colours... green. and teal. and purple. yeah... I LIKE EYES ;)
- rainbows. so many pretty colours in one place at one time. it's so beautiful. whaaaat doeees it meeeeeaaan? yes. double rainbows are cooler.
- hipsters. I don't exactly know what the official definition of a hipster is, but I have many so-called hipster friends. I love them dearly. they like some great bands and I often want to steal all their clothes after luring them to my room to fuck them because let's face it. HIPSTER CHICKS ARE HOT!
- thrift stores. where else can you find such amazing deals and buys things from such nice people? walking into thrift stores is like coming home after a long vacation. you discover all these great things you'd either forgotten about or had no clue about in the first place. plus you get to have things that NO ONE ELSE HAS!! originality is the basis of my existence.
- ink and metal. tattoos are ART. I would be privileged to someday be able to give people tattoos. and piercings are just fucking sexy. lip piercings. nom. septum. NOM. any girl with body mods is welcome in my bed anytime. no appointment necessary.
- dyed hair. there is almost NOTHING sexier than a girl with different hair. doesn't matter if it's BLEACH blonde, green, blue, red, pink, turquoise, purple, black, or even some shades of orange. it is love. and rainbows dyed into hair is a bonus XD
- ripped tights. they give off such an "I don't give a fuck" vibe. anyone who thinks like that is good in my books. CHILLLLLLLLLLLLL
- anything 60s, 70s, or 80s. I'm all about the peace and love and hugs and drugs and flowers and all of that. FREEDOM. it's all the world really needs. and really, shiney things and bright colours and all that shizz can't hurt at all. so why not? plus 80s music is pretty boss.
- GORE! anything that's bloody and gorey and makes most people super squeemish or sick makes me happy. except for if it means someone actually being hurt. it has to all be artistic. mostly fake blood and guts with makeup and prosthetics. or more low-risk actual gore. blood actually tastes pretty good..
- old school cameras. the hardcore photography ones with actual film. and polaroids. I would love to learn how to use a professional camera. and develop my own film.
- stretched ears. nothing too big. anything about 00 or under I find beautiful. the different plugs and tunnels you can find are amazing. I loooove the ones with little bugs and scorpions encased in the chunk of glass.
- anything artsy. poetry. theatre. photography. paintings. sculputres. artistic makeup. hair. graffiti. music. just anything that takes one little beautiful piece of the world and focuses on that. it literally sends chills down my spine most of the time. there is nothing better than that feeling.
- cars. the way the engines roar. all the pieces under the hood working together, connecting to things all over, making it all work. so much power.
- girls. I love everything about them. every curve of their bodies (yes, I have a thing for girls that AREN'T little bony twigs) the way they carry themselves. the softness of their skin. the way they are so strong yet so fragile. how they think they are so boring when really they are unique and amazing.I could write chapters about girls. but I'll just keep it to this for now.
- gender bending. it takes strenght to do something so bold. for those who can get away with it I am amazed. these people have the best of both sides of the gender spectrum. I'm jealous.
- bowties. if I could, I would wear one every day. I love them dearly. nothing says manly and powerful like a good bowtie. and on top of that. they are sooo much fun.
- binders. it still amazes me that there is one piece of clothing that has the ability to hide boobs so well. if a binder was a person I would give them a high five. and a hug.
- sex toys. just saying. where would lesbians today be without them? they're all good in my books. improving sex lives since... who the fuck knows when. but THANK THE GODS!!
that is all. for now. my brain is tired.
send my ideas and awesome things. and guess he songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Sunday, April 17, 2011
and it wears him out, it wears him out.
Saturday. I remember the day when this was my favorite day of the week. there was so much to do, so much partying to get done, and so much sleep to catch up on. those were the days. now it's all about trying to cram in some studying and homework after a coma of trying to make up for only 4-6 hours of sleep a night on a good day. it doesn't work. then when you actually get a chance to do something fun for once you call a bunch of people and realize all your friends either have lives or aren't allowed to really chill with you (or at least stay over) because of their parents. and the most lovliest reason of them all: your sexual orientation isn't exactly cool with your friends' parents...
so yes, I have no life. and the friends who I would actually want to spend the time with are guys. yet even though you are a freaking FLAMING homosexual your mom doesn't think it's a "good idea" to have guy friends come over when she isn't watching you like a fucking hawk. it makes me laugh. I can have all the girls I want over while she's not home, overnight. girls who there is a high possiblility of me fooling around with. but if it's a boy, and I have NO attraction to that species whatsoever then it's too risqué. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY??
I mean, I like having the freedom to screw girls behind my mom's back when she's off thinking nothing would really happen, but it would be nice just to have some bro time.
besides, I don't really want eanyone else but her. even if she's off being a total fucking closet case. I know that closetedness is superstressful for me, but for her I would do it.
you can shower a girl with compliments and kindness, but the moment you say or do one bad thing THAT is what sticks in her mind. all the good is overpowered by that one tiny piece of bad. and she will never really forgive you. you can take care of her twin sister in a foreign city, dry away her tears many times, and love her more than humanly possible. but still that is not enough with one little mistake. you must appear perfect in your relation to her or else she will never trust you, never believe you, never be able to love you back. that is the human condition. once hurt, and there are no second chances.
all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. to show the world that such a beautiful creature is the one I belong to. but she didn't allow me to have the privledge of knowing if we were each others or if we were just two people coexisting on this planet. so I tried to get her to take notice of me, tried to convince her I wanted only her. I tried too hard. she took it the wrong way. and now I don't even know what she wants. I do not have the privledge of seeing her, hearing her voice, feeling feeling her flesh againt mine. tasting her lips, breathing in her scent. it's too late.
yet another day ends, bringing me to a new day. to a day where I will wake to see a day. an empty day, void of her presence. I do not wish to see this new day.
hopelessness.
so yes, I have no life. and the friends who I would actually want to spend the time with are guys. yet even though you are a freaking FLAMING homosexual your mom doesn't think it's a "good idea" to have guy friends come over when she isn't watching you like a fucking hawk. it makes me laugh. I can have all the girls I want over while she's not home, overnight. girls who there is a high possiblility of me fooling around with. but if it's a boy, and I have NO attraction to that species whatsoever then it's too risqué. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY??
I mean, I like having the freedom to screw girls behind my mom's back when she's off thinking nothing would really happen, but it would be nice just to have some bro time.
besides, I don't really want eanyone else but her. even if she's off being a total fucking closet case. I know that closetedness is superstressful for me, but for her I would do it.
you can shower a girl with compliments and kindness, but the moment you say or do one bad thing THAT is what sticks in her mind. all the good is overpowered by that one tiny piece of bad. and she will never really forgive you. you can take care of her twin sister in a foreign city, dry away her tears many times, and love her more than humanly possible. but still that is not enough with one little mistake. you must appear perfect in your relation to her or else she will never trust you, never believe you, never be able to love you back. that is the human condition. once hurt, and there are no second chances.
all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. to show the world that such a beautiful creature is the one I belong to. but she didn't allow me to have the privledge of knowing if we were each others or if we were just two people coexisting on this planet. so I tried to get her to take notice of me, tried to convince her I wanted only her. I tried too hard. she took it the wrong way. and now I don't even know what she wants. I do not have the privledge of seeing her, hearing her voice, feeling feeling her flesh againt mine. tasting her lips, breathing in her scent. it's too late.
yet another day ends, bringing me to a new day. to a day where I will wake to see a day. an empty day, void of her presence. I do not wish to see this new day.
hopelessness.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
don't tell me cause it hurts.
breaking the silence.
today I had time to just think about why I wasn't talking. I ended up watching a bunc of videos on YouTube about the day of silence. I realized I wasn't just doing it to support all the lgbt kids, but I was really doing it to stop people from losing hope and losing their voices to two reasons: 1. fear. fear of coming out. fear of speaking out. fear of what homophobic pricks will do if you dare to speak about anything that isn't 'normal'. 2. death. kids are taking their lives to get away from the hell they face everyday. their voices are silenced at the same time as their heartbeats.
if I was born into a different family, if I hadn't had support from friends, I could have been one of those kids. I could have no voice. I could still be that scared girl turning into a complete whore because I was afraid to just stop letting boys have whatever they wanted and go for girls without fear because I truly love everything about them. I could have been one of the kids in the paper having taken my life. I was one of the lucky ones, and I continue to be. the only hate I've faced is the homophobic slurrs thrown around at school, never aimed at me, and a few guys onlie who were just pissed that I wouldn't even consider sleeping with them.
also, I'm lucky to be born in a country where homosexuality is celebrated and legal. I could have been born and raised in that town where lesbians go through 'corrective rape'.
it's a scary world. I just want peace. I know just one day of the year having a silent day won't really do much, but it's time to think. I'm going to get more involved. I won't just sit back and listen to people saying things in the hallways. I will speak up.
today I only got in 18.5 hours of not speaking before my mom started yelling at me, telling me I had to talk. but it still made me feel powerful. and even if I spent most of the day at home by myself, when I went out I had one person read my entire sign and seem interested. reaching just one person made my day worthwhile. there is hope for the world yet.
my mom ruined it, but that's ok. I know she tries and pretends to support me and all, but she just can't. she's too straight and grown up in a time and place where anything lgbt isn't exactly good. it's like there's only the bad parts of humanity traced to us. I can understand that. as much as she tries she will never be able to understand.
on that note I'm tireeeed. hit me up with your stories, questions, ideas, themes, etc. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
today I had time to just think about why I wasn't talking. I ended up watching a bunc of videos on YouTube about the day of silence. I realized I wasn't just doing it to support all the lgbt kids, but I was really doing it to stop people from losing hope and losing their voices to two reasons: 1. fear. fear of coming out. fear of speaking out. fear of what homophobic pricks will do if you dare to speak about anything that isn't 'normal'. 2. death. kids are taking their lives to get away from the hell they face everyday. their voices are silenced at the same time as their heartbeats.
if I was born into a different family, if I hadn't had support from friends, I could have been one of those kids. I could have no voice. I could still be that scared girl turning into a complete whore because I was afraid to just stop letting boys have whatever they wanted and go for girls without fear because I truly love everything about them. I could have been one of the kids in the paper having taken my life. I was one of the lucky ones, and I continue to be. the only hate I've faced is the homophobic slurrs thrown around at school, never aimed at me, and a few guys onlie who were just pissed that I wouldn't even consider sleeping with them.
also, I'm lucky to be born in a country where homosexuality is celebrated and legal. I could have been born and raised in that town where lesbians go through 'corrective rape'.
it's a scary world. I just want peace. I know just one day of the year having a silent day won't really do much, but it's time to think. I'm going to get more involved. I won't just sit back and listen to people saying things in the hallways. I will speak up.
today I only got in 18.5 hours of not speaking before my mom started yelling at me, telling me I had to talk. but it still made me feel powerful. and even if I spent most of the day at home by myself, when I went out I had one person read my entire sign and seem interested. reaching just one person made my day worthwhile. there is hope for the world yet.
my mom ruined it, but that's ok. I know she tries and pretends to support me and all, but she just can't. she's too straight and grown up in a time and place where anything lgbt isn't exactly good. it's like there's only the bad parts of humanity traced to us. I can understand that. as much as she tries she will never be able to understand.
on that note I'm tireeeed. hit me up with your stories, questions, ideas, themes, etc. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I don't want to be the girl that has to fill the silence.
doing the day of silence. so I have to type fast so I can get this up before midnight. wrote out my sign. feeling pretty sick, prolly because I doubt I'll be able to actually get out and spread the word. just maybe hit Terra Nova for a bit.
my mom wants me to stop when my gradparents come over at 4. this annoys me. I know that my not speaking may be inconvenient for her, but it's kinda for the greater good. oh well. I get to sleep in and do homeworks and shizz.
my plan for tomorrow: wake up, eat, shower, read chapters for English, do socials homework, work on math questions, depending on time either head to the dollar store or work on the necklace I'm making right now, maybe go to starbucks (where my notepad will come in handy), go home, get some stuff around my room that needs to be done done, wait for mom to come home, wait for grandparents to come over, prolly eat, do whatever with the family, prolly start talking around 7ish since most breaking the silence meetings have happened by then, and then who knows what.
I'm noticing more and more how the halls are completely filled with little homophobic and transphobic comments, a lot of the people don't even think about that when they say things too. it's fucking brutal. the amount of shit that goes down without anyone saying anything is un-fucking-believeable. I think I might be ready to actually start speaking out. it's out of hand and really not cool. eventually I want to try to go around and talk to all the different classes individually. it would be great if I could start with the gr.8 drama class I work in. they really need to be educated.
rawr. headache is being a bitch. gunna go not talk now.
let me know if anything's up, if you want to know shizz, or anything of the sort. and try to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
my mom wants me to stop when my gradparents come over at 4. this annoys me. I know that my not speaking may be inconvenient for her, but it's kinda for the greater good. oh well. I get to sleep in and do homeworks and shizz.
my plan for tomorrow: wake up, eat, shower, read chapters for English, do socials homework, work on math questions, depending on time either head to the dollar store or work on the necklace I'm making right now, maybe go to starbucks (where my notepad will come in handy), go home, get some stuff around my room that needs to be done done, wait for mom to come home, wait for grandparents to come over, prolly eat, do whatever with the family, prolly start talking around 7ish since most breaking the silence meetings have happened by then, and then who knows what.
I'm noticing more and more how the halls are completely filled with little homophobic and transphobic comments, a lot of the people don't even think about that when they say things too. it's fucking brutal. the amount of shit that goes down without anyone saying anything is un-fucking-believeable. I think I might be ready to actually start speaking out. it's out of hand and really not cool. eventually I want to try to go around and talk to all the different classes individually. it would be great if I could start with the gr.8 drama class I work in. they really need to be educated.
rawr. headache is being a bitch. gunna go not talk now.
let me know if anything's up, if you want to know shizz, or anything of the sort. and try to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
with the lights out it's less dangerous.
one more day of school this week. thank gods.
gr.8 idiots are just completely stoopid. dunno if I can even finish the year dealing with them every other day without punching one of them. at the start of class it was fine, just the same old bullshit, getting mad at a few of them until they stop saying that everything is 'so gay'.
but then it just escalates. there's this one kid they all pick on. he's a loner, quite a nerd, and has a rep for being a nark. as if that's isn't bad enough in gr.8 the entire class is convinced he's a hugeee poofta (he could be a total closet case, but either way he isn't even out and they pick on him using such homophobic terms). even though I'm not particularly fond of the kid, it pains me to see this going on. most of the kids just talk quietly behind his back and try to keep away from him. but there are a few who just go wayyy too far. there's this other kid who's a compulsive liar and was loudly telling us some story about how the other kid randomly grabbed his balls one day. and whenever he even looks towards the first kid he practically screams, falls down, and rolls around. his buddies always back him up and they just sit around making fun of him almost all class. every chance I get to sneak a few words in I tell them to just ignore him, leave him alone, and get to work. then the second kid starts going on about how he won't pretend to fall for one of the other guys even if he's dressed as a girl for their lip sync. and starts screaming about how if one of the guys were to pretend to be a girl it would make them a tranny and he doesn't do trannies. I came so close to smacking him all fucking class.
and this is all on top of saying that I'm a girly girl. like WHAT THE FUCK??? that was like a personal shot. I realized just how much I hate gender pronouns. or at least female pronouns. I don't connect with them at all.
I think I'm going to talk to izdebski, see if I can just have a talk with the class, try to drill it into their heads that that is NOT ok. and tell them that if they want to talk I'm there for them. who knows, maybe I can even help the kid they pick on so he doesn't react and maybe they'll accept him a little more. that would be greaaat :)
anyways, any shizz you want answered or my opinions on, send my way. and try guessing the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
gr.8 idiots are just completely stoopid. dunno if I can even finish the year dealing with them every other day without punching one of them. at the start of class it was fine, just the same old bullshit, getting mad at a few of them until they stop saying that everything is 'so gay'.
but then it just escalates. there's this one kid they all pick on. he's a loner, quite a nerd, and has a rep for being a nark. as if that's isn't bad enough in gr.8 the entire class is convinced he's a hugeee poofta (he could be a total closet case, but either way he isn't even out and they pick on him using such homophobic terms). even though I'm not particularly fond of the kid, it pains me to see this going on. most of the kids just talk quietly behind his back and try to keep away from him. but there are a few who just go wayyy too far. there's this other kid who's a compulsive liar and was loudly telling us some story about how the other kid randomly grabbed his balls one day. and whenever he even looks towards the first kid he practically screams, falls down, and rolls around. his buddies always back him up and they just sit around making fun of him almost all class. every chance I get to sneak a few words in I tell them to just ignore him, leave him alone, and get to work. then the second kid starts going on about how he won't pretend to fall for one of the other guys even if he's dressed as a girl for their lip sync. and starts screaming about how if one of the guys were to pretend to be a girl it would make them a tranny and he doesn't do trannies. I came so close to smacking him all fucking class.
and this is all on top of saying that I'm a girly girl. like WHAT THE FUCK??? that was like a personal shot. I realized just how much I hate gender pronouns. or at least female pronouns. I don't connect with them at all.
I think I'm going to talk to izdebski, see if I can just have a talk with the class, try to drill it into their heads that that is NOT ok. and tell them that if they want to talk I'm there for them. who knows, maybe I can even help the kid they pick on so he doesn't react and maybe they'll accept him a little more. that would be greaaat :)
anyways, any shizz you want answered or my opinions on, send my way. and try guessing the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow.
rehearsal again. I'm starting to get excited for this again. 1. this is the first time Palmer players has put on something that isn't comedy in forever (no one remembers ever doing any) 2. actually reaching a big audience and getting them to see the way that hate can hurt a lot more than they might think, even if it's not intentional. 3. actually putting myself out there in such a way. this is kinda like a huge step in my coming out along with it being being based on my actual life. not sure if anyone has really figured that out yet..
I wish somehow I could get darsey to come and see it, since I pretty much wrote it for her, with her in mind for most of the pain. she was my muse without even knowing it and I just want to her see.
apparently not all my deaths were as bad as I thought. but I still really need to fix parts up so it's not completely.... rawr. it's great hearing people that are usually so much more intelligent and amazing at everything tell me that my writing is actually really good. at least most of it. *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
now that my baby is starting to work out a little bit, I have more brain space to try and bring my grades up as much as possible so I don't have to repeat stuff or I can at least go to summer school. also get to actually take some smal breaks every once in awhile. it's great.
need to start actually getting up on time so I have time to get more fuckery together and not all rushed and stressed. also needing to go man clothes thrifting to build up my man wardrobe and get some warmer weather clothes. cause I fail in that department.
mmm coma of sleep sounds good.
anything about anything you want to know or ask just let me know.
and try to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
I wish somehow I could get darsey to come and see it, since I pretty much wrote it for her, with her in mind for most of the pain. she was my muse without even knowing it and I just want to her see.
apparently not all my deaths were as bad as I thought. but I still really need to fix parts up so it's not completely.... rawr. it's great hearing people that are usually so much more intelligent and amazing at everything tell me that my writing is actually really good. at least most of it. *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
now that my baby is starting to work out a little bit, I have more brain space to try and bring my grades up as much as possible so I don't have to repeat stuff or I can at least go to summer school. also get to actually take some smal breaks every once in awhile. it's great.
need to start actually getting up on time so I have time to get more fuckery together and not all rushed and stressed. also needing to go man clothes thrifting to build up my man wardrobe and get some warmer weather clothes. cause I fail in that department.
mmm coma of sleep sounds good.
anything about anything you want to know or ask just let me know.
and try to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Monday, April 11, 2011
paradise spread out with a butter knife.
gender bending. that seems so normal compared to what I end up doing a lot of the time. although I tend to be a lot more socially acceptable because I'm not fully male. I have my days where I seem to be just a cisgendered girl. and then I have my days where I'm pretty much completely trans. and then my days where I just end up cis from the waist down and trans from the waist up or vice versa. and I feel completely comfortable with a bound chest and a skirt. I mean, who says I have to choose? except then I start to blend in as just another girl and any gender bending efforts are completely lost. the day I grow a legit soul patch will be one of the happiest days of my life. I just want to wear hardcore fashion makeup with facial hair and chop my hair so short that questions rise. I long for androgony, for a place so genderqueer that people stop and take a double take, wondering if they saw right. not sure if I'm anywhere within the bianary. I sit on that middle line where it's hard to keep balance and sometimes I start to fall to one side before I gain my balance again.
I'd love to take hormone blockers so I could actually be neither, have about an equal level of testostrone and estrogen. even taking a bit of T if they'd ever let me, so I could gain that muscle tone and structure of a male, the lower voice, and maybe even start growing my facial hair without some hair transplant or something. but I wouldn't want to take it full course, I still enjoy a few things about being female.
I do somewhat envy those who have it easy and know exactly what they are already. or even those who only have to worry about portraying one. it's a lot less complicated.
anything you want to ask, add, or have talked about in the future let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
I'd love to take hormone blockers so I could actually be neither, have about an equal level of testostrone and estrogen. even taking a bit of T if they'd ever let me, so I could gain that muscle tone and structure of a male, the lower voice, and maybe even start growing my facial hair without some hair transplant or something. but I wouldn't want to take it full course, I still enjoy a few things about being female.
I do somewhat envy those who have it easy and know exactly what they are already. or even those who only have to worry about portraying one. it's a lot less complicated.
anything you want to ask, add, or have talked about in the future let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
so apparently some stuff happened when my grandparents and mom went to grab pizza. there was this guy coming out of 7-11. and I guess he was kinda efeminate. anyways, my grandma was asking my mom if he was a boy or a girl. and my mom said boy. then my grandma asked if he was transsexual. and my mom said she didn't know. and my grandma went on about how his eyelashes were so long and stuff. and my mom said so? that's like adam lambert and a bunch of celebrities. and my grandma still kept going on about how it wasn't normal and all sorts of shizz...
great. as if I wasn't having enough trouble trying to come out to the rest of my family...
kinda realized that no matter what I was born as I would be extremely queer. now I'm just the genderfloating lesbian. and if I was born physically male I would be the biggest freaking drag queen ever. I'd love that. I find drag queens among the most beautiful people on earth despite the penis thing. all the masculine structure and hormones but with the feminine grace and beauty. I would want to be physically male JUST to be able to have that. extreme jealousy.
a lot of men's clothes I only like for the fact they're actually thick enough to keep warm and have big enough pockets. or else it's epic things like bowties and such. otherwise I quite enjoy feminine looking things. honestly my biggest dream would be to have a manly structure and adorn it with a mix of gender-oriented clothing. and yes I would spend just as long on my makeup :)
it would be great if there were more lgbt kids at my school, mainly a transgirl because I'd SO tap that. I just really want someone to talk to about all these blended-gender feelings that has actually been through it or is going through it right now. the only two people I know that could be that, well one is a tumblr friend who I absolutely LOVE! and the other is in tsawwassen and I never really get to see or talk to hir. (yes, mads recently decided against gender pronouns)
my school is so straight. honestly, I'm pretty sure I know all the out people in my school and can count them on one hand. yes, a few more are out to just me and a few other people, but still in total, the people that are out to me is under 10, and almost half are graduating next year. it is SAD. there may be quite a few more closeted with all the little ESP kiddies. all the sexy butch chickas that roam the halls tere has to be at least a few that aren't straight.
I don't quite know how to deal with everything, and having no one I can really talk to that understands isn't the greatest help. I want a friend who can understand how it feels to bind a few days a week, have a few scattered days where any type of chest constricting (including bras) makes your skin crawl, and then some days where you feel perfectly at home in your skin. I can't be the only one out there, and meeting others would really make my life.
anything you want me to talk about, be it questions, themes, opinions, or anything else, give me a shout. and don't forget to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
great. as if I wasn't having enough trouble trying to come out to the rest of my family...
kinda realized that no matter what I was born as I would be extremely queer. now I'm just the genderfloating lesbian. and if I was born physically male I would be the biggest freaking drag queen ever. I'd love that. I find drag queens among the most beautiful people on earth despite the penis thing. all the masculine structure and hormones but with the feminine grace and beauty. I would want to be physically male JUST to be able to have that. extreme jealousy.
a lot of men's clothes I only like for the fact they're actually thick enough to keep warm and have big enough pockets. or else it's epic things like bowties and such. otherwise I quite enjoy feminine looking things. honestly my biggest dream would be to have a manly structure and adorn it with a mix of gender-oriented clothing. and yes I would spend just as long on my makeup :)
it would be great if there were more lgbt kids at my school, mainly a transgirl because I'd SO tap that. I just really want someone to talk to about all these blended-gender feelings that has actually been through it or is going through it right now. the only two people I know that could be that, well one is a tumblr friend who I absolutely LOVE! and the other is in tsawwassen and I never really get to see or talk to hir. (yes, mads recently decided against gender pronouns)
my school is so straight. honestly, I'm pretty sure I know all the out people in my school and can count them on one hand. yes, a few more are out to just me and a few other people, but still in total, the people that are out to me is under 10, and almost half are graduating next year. it is SAD. there may be quite a few more closeted with all the little ESP kiddies. all the sexy butch chickas that roam the halls tere has to be at least a few that aren't straight.
I don't quite know how to deal with everything, and having no one I can really talk to that understands isn't the greatest help. I want a friend who can understand how it feels to bind a few days a week, have a few scattered days where any type of chest constricting (including bras) makes your skin crawl, and then some days where you feel perfectly at home in your skin. I can't be the only one out there, and meeting others would really make my life.
anything you want me to talk about, be it questions, themes, opinions, or anything else, give me a shout. and don't forget to guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
let's get these teen hearts beating faster.
famineee. ohh ehmm jesus cupcakeees. honestly, my school is FAILLLLLLLLLL. they made us eat cereal out of PLASTIC CUPS! because they couldn't afford to get bowls. *facepalm* and then the buns, holy fucktits. they had these 'buns' that were really just loaves of bread that people were eating whole. WHATT IS THIS FUCKKKERYYY???
really made me realize how much I miss my old school. I mean, I knew I had it good, but I didn't realize how much better my school was until I left. there is NOTHING good about this school except a few cool people. *sob*
monday is coming closer and closer. which means have to go back to that shithole. get to go back to having a theatre the size of a normal classroom, classes that make me miserable, and people that I still try to hold back around. there's just so much at once and not having a safe place just makes it impossible. apparently my old town is going to be like a city now.. getting an actual mall and expanding towards the rez.. rawr. I miss everything. *hides in a hole and feels sorry for self*
yeah I'm going back into my whole little hate everything phase. because school makes me depressed and now I'll have more stress and less time to deal with everything with rehearsals for the one act I wrote... and girls are just... depression waiting to happen. honestly, are they all just waiting for you to fall in love with them so they can tear your heart out? fucking manipulative, mind-fucking bitches.
love should be enough to make it work. if you really love someone you should see past all the imperfections and just do everything in your power to be with them. so what if there's little things in their personality that annoy you a little? if you love them just work with it and cherish every moment of happiness. because that's what people do when they love each other. they don't just give up and remove the person from their life. that's just fucking heartless and stoopid. not that I'm trying to attack her, it's just that I'm fucking sick of this. it's been almost 4 months. I've tried so many different ways of trying to reach out, I've tried to work it out, but I'm not even really sure what it's about completely anymore. I know what happened when she freaked out, but that couldn't have been it, so what is it really all about? why does my heart always feel like it's having the life squeezed out of it like someone's trying to make orange juice but decided to use my heart instead. rawrrrr.
is it sad that I'm sorry for even thinking anything bad about her? listening to marry you-bruno mars. just want to send/ dedicate it to her. she's the only one I'd ever considered or even pictured getting married to. I'd never even pictured having a wedding before I met her...
anyways, unless you want more whining and sap send me some shizz to talk about.
and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
really made me realize how much I miss my old school. I mean, I knew I had it good, but I didn't realize how much better my school was until I left. there is NOTHING good about this school except a few cool people. *sob*
monday is coming closer and closer. which means have to go back to that shithole. get to go back to having a theatre the size of a normal classroom, classes that make me miserable, and people that I still try to hold back around. there's just so much at once and not having a safe place just makes it impossible. apparently my old town is going to be like a city now.. getting an actual mall and expanding towards the rez.. rawr. I miss everything. *hides in a hole and feels sorry for self*
yeah I'm going back into my whole little hate everything phase. because school makes me depressed and now I'll have more stress and less time to deal with everything with rehearsals for the one act I wrote... and girls are just... depression waiting to happen. honestly, are they all just waiting for you to fall in love with them so they can tear your heart out? fucking manipulative, mind-fucking bitches.
love should be enough to make it work. if you really love someone you should see past all the imperfections and just do everything in your power to be with them. so what if there's little things in their personality that annoy you a little? if you love them just work with it and cherish every moment of happiness. because that's what people do when they love each other. they don't just give up and remove the person from their life. that's just fucking heartless and stoopid. not that I'm trying to attack her, it's just that I'm fucking sick of this. it's been almost 4 months. I've tried so many different ways of trying to reach out, I've tried to work it out, but I'm not even really sure what it's about completely anymore. I know what happened when she freaked out, but that couldn't have been it, so what is it really all about? why does my heart always feel like it's having the life squeezed out of it like someone's trying to make orange juice but decided to use my heart instead. rawrrrr.
is it sad that I'm sorry for even thinking anything bad about her? listening to marry you-bruno mars. just want to send/ dedicate it to her. she's the only one I'd ever considered or even pictured getting married to. I'd never even pictured having a wedding before I met her...
anyways, unless you want more whining and sap send me some shizz to talk about.
and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: nikki oreo barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Friday, April 8, 2011
winter just wasn't my season.
sooo 30 hour famining. lots of juice and water and.. not food. and not sex apparently. apples to apples is saving my sanity. well the good kind of sanity.
some drunkards tried to break into the school. ended up breaking a window on a door by kicking it. fail.
pictionary. I can't really draw that fast. reminder to self.
screw this, don't feel like writing. might do some poetry later. homework NOT getting done. good stuff? I though so too.
if you want any actual good topics for me to talk/ rant about let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
some drunkards tried to break into the school. ended up breaking a window on a door by kicking it. fail.
pictionary. I can't really draw that fast. reminder to self.
screw this, don't feel like writing. might do some poetry later. homework NOT getting done. good stuff? I though so too.
if you want any actual good topics for me to talk/ rant about let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I'm a [vag]etarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.
ahhhh it is springtime once again. the hormones are raging, the condoms are plenty, and the nurse is coming around to try and keep kids safe. sex ed. the good old days. honestly, what do they expect us to learn from it at all? not much of it pertains to actual life. even with the random bits that we got at sdss, we managed to have multiple pregnencies. then again the sex ed sucks there.. honestly, nothing in grades 10-12 except bio stuff. it's sad. at least Palmer makes it a unit in planning. kinda wish I'd just gone to planning here. everyone's going on about sex ed and stuff and then there's me... haven't had sex ed since gr.9 and even then, that night I went and had unprotected sex for the first time. it was boring and no one actually listened. and another thing about sex ed that I noticed is that there is no mention of lesbian sex. straight sex, most of it is all about, gay male sex even a little bit (reminders that you still should use condoms), but nothing to do with lesbian sex. goes to prove that you don't learn anything in school, everything is from the interwebs or expiriences or talking with friends.
as the springtime sun and flowers and all the lust begins to settle in I tend to realize more and more how lonely I'm getting. even in a group of friends I mostly feel like the outsider who just can't make the right jokes and does stoopid things for people to think of me as just some dumbass. and there I am, just doing nothing by myself. and then I wonder why I can't get a girlfriend for the life of me. I have no fucking social life outside of school yet I expect girls to just fall for me. stoopid.
so boys and girls, queerios and lezbots, clouds and trannies, remember to use your latex and get tested. (even though I should be taking my own advice) let the season of lust presume. :)
any questions? topics, ideas, themes, etc?? drop me a line.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW.
<3 <3
as the springtime sun and flowers and all the lust begins to settle in I tend to realize more and more how lonely I'm getting. even in a group of friends I mostly feel like the outsider who just can't make the right jokes and does stoopid things for people to think of me as just some dumbass. and there I am, just doing nothing by myself. and then I wonder why I can't get a girlfriend for the life of me. I have no fucking social life outside of school yet I expect girls to just fall for me. stoopid.
so boys and girls, queerios and lezbots, clouds and trannies, remember to use your latex and get tested. (even though I should be taking my own advice) let the season of lust presume. :)
any questions? topics, ideas, themes, etc?? drop me a line.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW.
<3 <3
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'm bringing sassy back.
I don't have to move :) finally, something goes right. the roommates are moving at the end of the month and then the landlord is moving in with her son. then we might try to find a student to rent the 5th room. hehe. I will actually have some stability. liking the sound of this. and Hannah is really nice, she seems to really like me. apparently she was married by my age *shutter* can't even imagine. lalalala still in happy bubble about not moving.
annnd going all hardcore and coming up with a bunch of alice in wonderland stuffs fr mobile :) it'll be good, even if it's not actually ceramics and sculpture. hope we have some 10g or 8g wire to make the posts, hate using the thinner stuff.
Japanese is kicking my ass but hopefully it's somewhere in my head and will start actually sticking. need to actually have something be passable. passing classes is always good. wish I could do that with math. honestly the only class where I don't think I'll pass and I actually need it. stoopid classes taking away from time to do other epic things.
I get to not eat this Friday for 30 hours and then not talk all day next Friday. so things don't I in or out of my mouth. and then it's good Friday.
tiiiiiiiiired. always, it doesn't go away. and there's always so much to get done that I never actually get to.. oh well, day 1 tomorrow, my easy day besides physics.
convince izdebski to let me watch grease with the gr. 8s for the 10mins tomorrow. or go to sex ed with mr.bone and be that cool. so much epicness going on in the school.
so hit me up with questions and give me ideas and themes and all that exciting shizz. and guess the songs from my post titles too.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment beloww.
<3 <3
annnd going all hardcore and coming up with a bunch of alice in wonderland stuffs fr mobile :) it'll be good, even if it's not actually ceramics and sculpture. hope we have some 10g or 8g wire to make the posts, hate using the thinner stuff.
Japanese is kicking my ass but hopefully it's somewhere in my head and will start actually sticking. need to actually have something be passable. passing classes is always good. wish I could do that with math. honestly the only class where I don't think I'll pass and I actually need it. stoopid classes taking away from time to do other epic things.
I get to not eat this Friday for 30 hours and then not talk all day next Friday. so things don't I in or out of my mouth. and then it's good Friday.
tiiiiiiiiired. always, it doesn't go away. and there's always so much to get done that I never actually get to.. oh well, day 1 tomorrow, my easy day besides physics.
convince izdebski to let me watch grease with the gr. 8s for the 10mins tomorrow. or go to sex ed with mr.bone and be that cool. so much epicness going on in the school.
so hit me up with questions and give me ideas and themes and all that exciting shizz. and guess the songs from my post titles too.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment beloww.
<3 <3
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
with designer drugs and designer friends.
there's freaking people in my house all the fucking time. I hate it. I get home and have to wait 10mins to get in the driveway because my roommates' friends don't know how to park a car in one spot instead of two in the driveway. and the doorbell rings at all sorts of random hours. I walk dowstairs and there's like.. 5 guys just chilling there. and that would be all fine and dandy if they decided to at least be consiterate about it, but they leave dirty dishes in both sinks and on the counter for days, they've left rice in their rice cooker for long enough for it to be covered in mold, they don't sweep or do any cleaning, the stove always has a dirty pan on it, and the actual stove has spills all over they don't borther to clean up. they always leave their shoes scattered RIGHT at the bottom of the staircase so I end up tripping over them all. they leave hall lights on all night. they talk loudly and have friends over to party until like 3 or 4 in the morning on week nights. they smoke in the house. and I could go on.
but now they want to leave, possibly for the first of may, and there's no way we can move. I'll be in another fucking country until the night of the 30th. unless we do it over Easter break. but no, that's bullshit. I've moved two times this school year and I'm one of those people that doesn't deal with big changes, I just freak out and want to go get drunk or something to pretend it never happened. I honestly can't even really call Richmond home after living here for over 7 months. the town of tsawwassen, even on the streets is more home than this will ever be. I just never liked the present, the past always seems so much clearer and I know what I shouldve done. I know that's bad, but I do try to bring myself more into the present.
so school... I'm already sick of the schedules and the having to meet requirements in classes I'll never actually use. school is just bullshit. I can learn just as much, if not more, on my own if I tried. classrooms are not a good learning enviroment for me. nothing ever sticks unless I take the time to do things over and over or I find a way to remember an incident that I learned it. yeah, I'm a shit student in classes I don't have interests in. but if I like something, I'm the fastest learner. funny how that works.
on one hand I hate how petty everyone is, the fact that we all just want material possessions, how we find flaws in everything and attack based on them. why can't we all just get along and be happy as people, as one. then I around and see something pretty I want, automatically judge someone based on their appearance as they walk by on the street.
it makes me sick how humans are programmed in such a way where this happenes...
hit me up with questions and anything you want to make this blog better. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
but now they want to leave, possibly for the first of may, and there's no way we can move. I'll be in another fucking country until the night of the 30th. unless we do it over Easter break. but no, that's bullshit. I've moved two times this school year and I'm one of those people that doesn't deal with big changes, I just freak out and want to go get drunk or something to pretend it never happened. I honestly can't even really call Richmond home after living here for over 7 months. the town of tsawwassen, even on the streets is more home than this will ever be. I just never liked the present, the past always seems so much clearer and I know what I shouldve done. I know that's bad, but I do try to bring myself more into the present.
so school... I'm already sick of the schedules and the having to meet requirements in classes I'll never actually use. school is just bullshit. I can learn just as much, if not more, on my own if I tried. classrooms are not a good learning enviroment for me. nothing ever sticks unless I take the time to do things over and over or I find a way to remember an incident that I learned it. yeah, I'm a shit student in classes I don't have interests in. but if I like something, I'm the fastest learner. funny how that works.
on one hand I hate how petty everyone is, the fact that we all just want material possessions, how we find flaws in everything and attack based on them. why can't we all just get along and be happy as people, as one. then I around and see something pretty I want, automatically judge someone based on their appearance as they walk by on the street.
it makes me sick how humans are programmed in such a way where this happenes...
hit me up with questions and anything you want to make this blog better. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Monday, April 4, 2011
we shot a porno film for coke, I hear I'm big in japan.
remind me, my mom is unreasonable. I can get my hair cut because she won't pay for it or let me go out to van where I can get connections. yet she expects me to find someone IN RICHMOND that needs a hair model and will do mine for free. not. gunna. happen. it's annoying as fuck. for 'healthy hair' you're supposed to trim it every 6 weeks. I get my hair cut every 6-12 months.. it's been 8 so far. and I've been asking to go for about... 4 or so. pretty soon I'm just gunna end up "going out with friends" and just go somewhere and get it cut.
I'm actually sick of not being able to afford anything. I mean, until I was 12 my grandma cut my hair, and after that until last summer I'd only gone to places like magicuts and great clips. the one time I went to an actual salon it was cause I found it free on craigslist...
and people younger than me are getting their Ns and their own cars. I couldn't afford to go to an actual driving school so I had individual lessons and he booked my test really late. I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford a truck if I'm pretty much paying for my entire schooling. for once it would be nice to be able to just be able to afford something without thinking about it and having to go over my entire budget.
it would also be nice to not have 1000000 things to do for school so I could at least go out and get a job. I'm still drowning in stuff from spring break. have an English quiz first thing tomorrow. have to wait for my mom to go to sleep so I can reread the chapters. then write a 4-person, 6-8min comedy sketch. which is due second block. tomorrow I get to work on kanji and mobile ideas. maybe get to start on whatever homework I get for physics. if I'm lucky. not at all ready to go back to this grueling mess of work.
12 school days left till Ashland. finally get a little bit of a break. then catching up like crazy and not being able to even breathe because of so much work. also, only get 5 weeks of rehearsal because of it. yeah... that's 10 rehearsals. in total. scared as fuck. so I have to at some point memorize a Japanese script that has not been made yet, memorize my lines for my play, memorize my lines in the sketch I have to write, plus manage to keep up in all my subjects. I nights just stop caring about Japanese and just dedicate myself to classes I actually need to pass in order to graduate. I've already got Japanese 12, so I can learn the actual language later. I have yellow, pink, and green books. plus blue book is on my laptop. so I have the tools that are given in school, plus a bunch of online stuff should help me.
might just go fuck it and just go sparknotes the chapters I need to review and then go to sleep. I already wrote the first version of the script. then we had to add another person. and I'm the only one doing any writing. and only two of us were even in class discussing it. not only is it unfar because I am the only actual writer, but I don't even have the time.
at least I finally managed to get binding and getting dressed down to 5-10mins so I don't take hours to get ready in the morning. just like.. just over an hour.
anything you wanna ask or give suggestions on, hit me up. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
I'm actually sick of not being able to afford anything. I mean, until I was 12 my grandma cut my hair, and after that until last summer I'd only gone to places like magicuts and great clips. the one time I went to an actual salon it was cause I found it free on craigslist...
and people younger than me are getting their Ns and their own cars. I couldn't afford to go to an actual driving school so I had individual lessons and he booked my test really late. I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford a truck if I'm pretty much paying for my entire schooling. for once it would be nice to be able to just be able to afford something without thinking about it and having to go over my entire budget.
it would also be nice to not have 1000000 things to do for school so I could at least go out and get a job. I'm still drowning in stuff from spring break. have an English quiz first thing tomorrow. have to wait for my mom to go to sleep so I can reread the chapters. then write a 4-person, 6-8min comedy sketch. which is due second block. tomorrow I get to work on kanji and mobile ideas. maybe get to start on whatever homework I get for physics. if I'm lucky. not at all ready to go back to this grueling mess of work.
12 school days left till Ashland. finally get a little bit of a break. then catching up like crazy and not being able to even breathe because of so much work. also, only get 5 weeks of rehearsal because of it. yeah... that's 10 rehearsals. in total. scared as fuck. so I have to at some point memorize a Japanese script that has not been made yet, memorize my lines for my play, memorize my lines in the sketch I have to write, plus manage to keep up in all my subjects. I nights just stop caring about Japanese and just dedicate myself to classes I actually need to pass in order to graduate. I've already got Japanese 12, so I can learn the actual language later. I have yellow, pink, and green books. plus blue book is on my laptop. so I have the tools that are given in school, plus a bunch of online stuff should help me.
might just go fuck it and just go sparknotes the chapters I need to review and then go to sleep. I already wrote the first version of the script. then we had to add another person. and I'm the only one doing any writing. and only two of us were even in class discussing it. not only is it unfar because I am the only actual writer, but I don't even have the time.
at least I finally managed to get binding and getting dressed down to 5-10mins so I don't take hours to get ready in the morning. just like.. just over an hour.
anything you wanna ask or give suggestions on, hit me up. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Sunday, April 3, 2011
never meant to make your daughter cry.
so. the last day of spring break and I never really got a break. but I acomplished so much.
almost 1 1/2 years of Japanese, 3 chapters of Frankenstein, 3 socials worksheets, finalizing about 1/5 of my script, driving down to Bellingham, getting accepted into John Casablancas, 5 campus tours, and 3 derby haikus.
it started with a funeral and ended with a baby shower. this is the circle of life. this is two weeks in the life.
so much time alone can really change person. right now I feel like a complete other person then that nikki who just a mere 17 days ago was awaiting the 'freedom' of spring break. the innocent one who thought she was invincible and could manage to acomplish so much work, spring cleaning, and a social life. I may be boring, but at least I know that the harder I work, the sooner I can live in a manageable schedule. 3 months and focusing will seem easy, day to day life will seem livable. just a grueling last few months until there is light in the darkness.
structure is slowly killing me. timelines make my head spin. so I yearn for flexability. for the freedom to learn what I actually am interested in and not have to worry about the rest. to take on tasks one or two at a time instead of about eight.. I wish to set up a life that works for me: customized, not some one-size-fits-all bullshit.
gr.12 everyone makes out to be some huge mess of horror. from the plan so far for my courses it seems to be the most lax year I've ever had. I'll get to spend time doing projects I know I'll actually enjoy in art because I can come up with them, I get to go back to choir and have music in my actual school life again, drama (without the stress of having to do plays with set deadlines and marks on my directing style), possibly broadcasting where I'll learn to actually take on a role within the music umbrella, law for all those fun gorey bits, history to actually learn something in the year, geo to expand on the same things I've been learning since gr.6 and give me more to talk about with people, and my favorite AP English. actual hardcore work on stuff I enjoy so my brain doesn't turn to mush mush and I actualy get a chance to read and write even if my schedule gets busy.
hopefully that will give me time to actualy participate in young bard next year, beacause that would be an amazing expirience, better than my school theatre. and I'm already coming up with art ideas, like make a mannequin head and design some sort of intricate design to cover it with. (cause I really need to learn to paint with brushes instead of my fingers for once)
any questions, ideas, topics for me to cover, etc send them to me. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!! ;)
<3 <3
almost 1 1/2 years of Japanese, 3 chapters of Frankenstein, 3 socials worksheets, finalizing about 1/5 of my script, driving down to Bellingham, getting accepted into John Casablancas, 5 campus tours, and 3 derby haikus.
it started with a funeral and ended with a baby shower. this is the circle of life. this is two weeks in the life.
so much time alone can really change person. right now I feel like a complete other person then that nikki who just a mere 17 days ago was awaiting the 'freedom' of spring break. the innocent one who thought she was invincible and could manage to acomplish so much work, spring cleaning, and a social life. I may be boring, but at least I know that the harder I work, the sooner I can live in a manageable schedule. 3 months and focusing will seem easy, day to day life will seem livable. just a grueling last few months until there is light in the darkness.
structure is slowly killing me. timelines make my head spin. so I yearn for flexability. for the freedom to learn what I actually am interested in and not have to worry about the rest. to take on tasks one or two at a time instead of about eight.. I wish to set up a life that works for me: customized, not some one-size-fits-all bullshit.
gr.12 everyone makes out to be some huge mess of horror. from the plan so far for my courses it seems to be the most lax year I've ever had. I'll get to spend time doing projects I know I'll actually enjoy in art because I can come up with them, I get to go back to choir and have music in my actual school life again, drama (without the stress of having to do plays with set deadlines and marks on my directing style), possibly broadcasting where I'll learn to actually take on a role within the music umbrella, law for all those fun gorey bits, history to actually learn something in the year, geo to expand on the same things I've been learning since gr.6 and give me more to talk about with people, and my favorite AP English. actual hardcore work on stuff I enjoy so my brain doesn't turn to mush mush and I actualy get a chance to read and write even if my schedule gets busy.
hopefully that will give me time to actualy participate in young bard next year, beacause that would be an amazing expirience, better than my school theatre. and I'm already coming up with art ideas, like make a mannequin head and design some sort of intricate design to cover it with. (cause I really need to learn to paint with brushes instead of my fingers for once)
any questions, ideas, topics for me to cover, etc send them to me. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment BELOW!! ;)
<3 <3
Saturday, April 2, 2011
but I'm not scared at all.
so guess who got accepted for John Casablancas make up diploma program for fall 2021?? BEFORE SIGN UP EVEN STARTS!!!! hells yeah. I feel so pro. apparently I'm exactly the type of student that they want. honestly, Sara was freaking amazing and awesome and yeah :) andandandand crazy ass prosthetics and drag make up and all sorts of fun shizz. and yeknow 3 days a week with only 5 hours of a homework a week. and all the homework is fun research assignments pretty much. I wish it was this coming year, but I still have gr.12 to struggle through. hopefully that won't be too hard since I'll be taking classes I actually like for the most part next year.
on that note went to go check out Blanche Macdonald today. they were pretty nice too, and a little less expensive, but they don't do as much focus on the things I like the best. also, talking to graduates from different schools they all seem to say that if they could do it over again they'd go to John Casablancas since their kit actually has all the stuff you need instead of having to go out and buy extra stuff on top of it. it just seems to be the best school according to graduates in the area. Blanche is kinda like my fallback school, except I've already been accepted to my first choice.
now I need to update and revamp my resume (I got a book from the library and it has totally modern ways to do resumes) and get a job so I can start saving up. $18000ish is gunna be a lot to pay off even with my RESP, and two savings accounts put away for school. and if I want to get a car too, I'll need to really save up. looks like I'll have to wait quite awhile before I can afford my devines.. hopefully I can get my volts pretty soon and get out on the track.
those are the two things I most need in life: derby, and make up artistry. once I get through some lessons I'll be able to actually do things properly instead of super-thick liner and that kind of stuff.. too bad it's all so far away. 1 1/2 years till school, and almost 2 years till I can even join raw meat. 2 1/2 till I can tryout for fresh meat. in 3 years I could be a faster pussycat :) season 8 will be the year of the RAGE!!! super stoked.
only one more day of spring break.. and three months of school. well, 2 1/2 plus socials final. less than 2 months to put together an entire production. FUUU I'm getting a little scared.
hit me up with some replies, questions, ideas, anything. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
on that note went to go check out Blanche Macdonald today. they were pretty nice too, and a little less expensive, but they don't do as much focus on the things I like the best. also, talking to graduates from different schools they all seem to say that if they could do it over again they'd go to John Casablancas since their kit actually has all the stuff you need instead of having to go out and buy extra stuff on top of it. it just seems to be the best school according to graduates in the area. Blanche is kinda like my fallback school, except I've already been accepted to my first choice.
now I need to update and revamp my resume (I got a book from the library and it has totally modern ways to do resumes) and get a job so I can start saving up. $18000ish is gunna be a lot to pay off even with my RESP, and two savings accounts put away for school. and if I want to get a car too, I'll need to really save up. looks like I'll have to wait quite awhile before I can afford my devines.. hopefully I can get my volts pretty soon and get out on the track.
those are the two things I most need in life: derby, and make up artistry. once I get through some lessons I'll be able to actually do things properly instead of super-thick liner and that kind of stuff.. too bad it's all so far away. 1 1/2 years till school, and almost 2 years till I can even join raw meat. 2 1/2 till I can tryout for fresh meat. in 3 years I could be a faster pussycat :) season 8 will be the year of the RAGE!!! super stoked.
only one more day of spring break.. and three months of school. well, 2 1/2 plus socials final. less than 2 months to put together an entire production. FUUU I'm getting a little scared.
hit me up with some replies, questions, ideas, anything. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
Friday, April 1, 2011
when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out.
why does everyone have to focus on the negative and all the bad things? one screwed up physical feature, one emotional flaw, one thing that most people can do that someone doesn't have the ability to do and they get attacked. it doesn't matter if the rest or them is beautiful as long as the one thing is wrong. everybody has their flaws, so everybody judges everyone else based on those flaws. the ones who voice the hate the loudest are the highest in social ladders, and those who a actually nice and accept people for everything they are get eaten alive. some sit somewhere in the middle..
April fools is a bitch. my mom needs to learn that it's isn't funny anymore when you wake someone up just to tell them your 'joke' which involves their entire life being changed yet again. the exact moment one wakes up is not good timing at all. the mind cannot process the information quickly enough to stop from completely freaking out. so no devestating fake news as soon as the eyes open please.
John Casablanca's is freaking amazing. they actually care enough to do a one-on-one tour, get to know you a bit before, understand your intrests, where you come from, etc. they actually care. that's what I want out of my education. nit only do they do all that the first time you meet them, but they also go through the entire process of student loans and shizz. and apparently I have the creativity and more skills than most people go in with, so I'm pretty much in as soon as I put in my application. and she'll let me know AS SOON as the fall 2012 signup starts. I think I would LOVE it there. :)
so yes, I have to thank my mom for putting in the time and effort to make that meeting happen. but the bitching about my driving not being exactly how she wants it and how I don't do things exactly how she wants without her even saying anything really started to get to me. then by the time we actually got to mr.young and I wanted to just have a good time she ruined it. first, she tries to force me to go up for every game when 1. I didn't want to 2. it was all little kids going up 3. I'd seen it all before so I didn't find the fun in it. then she pretty much yells at me between every take to work on my Japanese. I mean, I know I need to work on it, but if I was going to do that maybe I shouldn't be doing all sorts of other shizz all day every day. who was the freaking briliant one who thought that up? so I do my Japanese, kinda pissed that I have to do that pointless crap I won't really remember because I have to go through it so fast instead of just enjoying myself for once. and then she keeps trying to get ne to go up for games while I'm trying to do my Japanese. it's like MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!!
anyways, get through that still mostly happy. starting to realize there's no way in hell I'll finish everything in the two days left. I'll be lucky if I finish my socials and two scripts in time even without the 35-40 pages left of Japanese. thanks to more stuff all day both days. really fucking briliant. just because she's on spring break and can do whatever she wants doesn't mean I can. I have too much work to even bother trying to be normal...
then she has the fucking nerve to bitch the whole way home saying I'll never pass my driving test and I need to learn how to apticiate her. and then it goes too far. she tells me that she knows how darsey feels. that I really need to grow up and I can't think of anyone else but myself. and it's almost the exact same shpiel that darsey, herself gave me last time I saw her. it fucking hurt. I've been trying so hard to try to understand what that means, what I need to do to stop being such a horrible person. and then there it is again like I haven't been trying at all. like complete failure.
we get back and she expects me to be fine. and when she sees me crying she goes on about how I can dish it but I can't take it and all this crap. I'M FUCKING TRYING!! if people think I'm just a drama queen who needs to grow up, fine. but I will keep on working myself to the limit, pushing myself to the point of fading from any piece of sanity until I can actually feel like a good person. until I'm good enough for her...
so here's your chance to respond. what do you think of me as a person? what was your first impression of me? what are my flaws and how the fuck do you think I can fix them. even if it seems to be basic knowledge to you, that's what I find the hardest to understand.
then send me some questions, give me topics and ideas and all that good stuff. once you're done all that, or if you want to just do this, guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
April fools is a bitch. my mom needs to learn that it's isn't funny anymore when you wake someone up just to tell them your 'joke' which involves their entire life being changed yet again. the exact moment one wakes up is not good timing at all. the mind cannot process the information quickly enough to stop from completely freaking out. so no devestating fake news as soon as the eyes open please.
John Casablanca's is freaking amazing. they actually care enough to do a one-on-one tour, get to know you a bit before, understand your intrests, where you come from, etc. they actually care. that's what I want out of my education. nit only do they do all that the first time you meet them, but they also go through the entire process of student loans and shizz. and apparently I have the creativity and more skills than most people go in with, so I'm pretty much in as soon as I put in my application. and she'll let me know AS SOON as the fall 2012 signup starts. I think I would LOVE it there. :)
so yes, I have to thank my mom for putting in the time and effort to make that meeting happen. but the bitching about my driving not being exactly how she wants it and how I don't do things exactly how she wants without her even saying anything really started to get to me. then by the time we actually got to mr.young and I wanted to just have a good time she ruined it. first, she tries to force me to go up for every game when 1. I didn't want to 2. it was all little kids going up 3. I'd seen it all before so I didn't find the fun in it. then she pretty much yells at me between every take to work on my Japanese. I mean, I know I need to work on it, but if I was going to do that maybe I shouldn't be doing all sorts of other shizz all day every day. who was the freaking briliant one who thought that up? so I do my Japanese, kinda pissed that I have to do that pointless crap I won't really remember because I have to go through it so fast instead of just enjoying myself for once. and then she keeps trying to get ne to go up for games while I'm trying to do my Japanese. it's like MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!!
anyways, get through that still mostly happy. starting to realize there's no way in hell I'll finish everything in the two days left. I'll be lucky if I finish my socials and two scripts in time even without the 35-40 pages left of Japanese. thanks to more stuff all day both days. really fucking briliant. just because she's on spring break and can do whatever she wants doesn't mean I can. I have too much work to even bother trying to be normal...
then she has the fucking nerve to bitch the whole way home saying I'll never pass my driving test and I need to learn how to apticiate her. and then it goes too far. she tells me that she knows how darsey feels. that I really need to grow up and I can't think of anyone else but myself. and it's almost the exact same shpiel that darsey, herself gave me last time I saw her. it fucking hurt. I've been trying so hard to try to understand what that means, what I need to do to stop being such a horrible person. and then there it is again like I haven't been trying at all. like complete failure.
we get back and she expects me to be fine. and when she sees me crying she goes on about how I can dish it but I can't take it and all this crap. I'M FUCKING TRYING!! if people think I'm just a drama queen who needs to grow up, fine. but I will keep on working myself to the limit, pushing myself to the point of fading from any piece of sanity until I can actually feel like a good person. until I'm good enough for her...
so here's your chance to respond. what do you think of me as a person? what was your first impression of me? what are my flaws and how the fuck do you think I can fix them. even if it seems to be basic knowledge to you, that's what I find the hardest to understand.
then send me some questions, give me topics and ideas and all that good stuff. once you're done all that, or if you want to just do this, guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
you kno-o-ow I'm in la-la-love with you girl.
bcit. dear gods that place is interesting. like jeebus, there's a shitload of different trades buildings. and jail like broadcasting building. woooot. and of course being a trades school mostly, there are tonnes of cars and people smoking. kinda felt at home a little.
then metrotown. OMIGAWDS best moment with the mother EVER!!!! so we walked by this guys clothing store. and they had a white suit with a purple tie. so she asked me what I thought of it (in a way that makes me think she might be starting to accept me) and so I'm all like 'well I like the colourful ones better. like green and purple. maybe yellow. possibly red.' she starts laughing. then I go on to remind her that in gr.9 maddy and I decided that she'd wear a powder blue tux and I'd wear a lime green one. that's when she started being her old bitch self..
she goes on about how my grad date would cry and stuff. then asks who I'd go with. and tries to get me to go with guy friends. NO WAY IN HELL!!! yeah. so then I tell her I might go with... Sydney or someone. or I might just skip palmer's and go with one of my girls at sdss. because I belong there more. I mean, I went there for 3/5 years. and we had it all planned. pink limo and all :)
my uncle's house. GAHHH talk about derby stuffs :)
and then saw the wedding invitations. and the wedding is the day BEFORE pride, not on it. which means I miss dyke walk but not pride. YAYYYYY!! that makes me extremely happy. I couldn't make it through a summer without going to pride. it would kill me inside.
then grey's anatomy. the singing was pretty bad at some points, but lesbian love :) honestly love those two sooo much. so glad they got back together. hopefully Callie pulls through so they can get married. GAHHHH!!!
so yeah, give me a shout with some questions, ideas, whatever. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below
<3 <3
then metrotown. OMIGAWDS best moment with the mother EVER!!!! so we walked by this guys clothing store. and they had a white suit with a purple tie. so she asked me what I thought of it (in a way that makes me think she might be starting to accept me) and so I'm all like 'well I like the colourful ones better. like green and purple. maybe yellow. possibly red.' she starts laughing. then I go on to remind her that in gr.9 maddy and I decided that she'd wear a powder blue tux and I'd wear a lime green one. that's when she started being her old bitch self..
she goes on about how my grad date would cry and stuff. then asks who I'd go with. and tries to get me to go with guy friends. NO WAY IN HELL!!! yeah. so then I tell her I might go with... Sydney or someone. or I might just skip palmer's and go with one of my girls at sdss. because I belong there more. I mean, I went there for 3/5 years. and we had it all planned. pink limo and all :)
my uncle's house. GAHHH talk about derby stuffs :)
and then saw the wedding invitations. and the wedding is the day BEFORE pride, not on it. which means I miss dyke walk but not pride. YAYYYYY!! that makes me extremely happy. I couldn't make it through a summer without going to pride. it would kill me inside.
then grey's anatomy. the singing was pretty bad at some points, but lesbian love :) honestly love those two sooo much. so glad they got back together. hopefully Callie pulls through so they can get married. GAHHHH!!!
so yeah, give me a shout with some questions, ideas, whatever. and guess the songs from my post titles.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
or comment below
<3 <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)