sleep the pain.

he's never felt like so many people supported him before. one facebook status and everyone seems to care. everyone is on his side. it feels like he's won the battle, yet the cold hands wrap around his throat once more and his mother drags him down to her level, the level where he has no say and he has to put on the dresses and paste on the fake smiles. he has to say thank you when they misgender him, when they tell him he's a pretty girl.  girls are always supposed to say thank-you, even after getting raped. he thinks for a moment. that may just be part of his general hate for being thought of as anything female. weak, servant to man, without choice, fragile, to be used. that is how he sees his body, just another useless instrument unable to fight back. weak, although he could start it with a kiss, he couldn't fight back, he couldn't say anything other than no. but sometimes no isn't enough. sometimes being female bodied means feeling like he owes somthing to the other boys, they deserve what they want because they were born in the right bodies. but this was before. this was when he was a she without question. when "she" didn't know the difference from unhappiness and how life is. sometimes we all just need a little push to realize we deserve a little better.  like a girl he has to say please, please hurt me, please disrespect me, please make me feel inferior. he has to be the little doll everyone wants to play with. he has to say thank-you. thank-you for using me, thank-you for the pain, thank-you for making me into someone I'm not.  he wishes he could be seen as anything but a girl, that people could see beyond skin, beyond DNA, beyond the high voice and the long lashes. he wishes he didn't have a skewed image of what girl really is. there are many things he wishes, for now death is not one of them. for now, each day will come as it can.  he never saw himself as a feminist. he looks at all the feminists of the past, and just for a second he thinks that he might just understand what they were trying to say. <3 <3