I never thought I'd see this moment, I never thought I'd fall in love.

today I found something worth doing, worth talking about. 52 projects. I started to read through them, reading the ideas of little crative projects to get the juices flowing. quite honestly, I loved the majority of them. pictures, letters, documenting different events, keeping little things from random times. quite honestly it seems like a whole new take on life that I'm ready to take on. the only problem with reading through them is there are a few that include a significant other. as well as quite a few that just make me think about you. one in particular, waking up at 5am. upon seeing that one my thoughts just lead to wanting to watch a sunrise with you, limbs tangled together, a pot of tea to keep us awake. the whole rest of the list I couldn't really read quite the same, my thoughts just kept going back to that mental picture. 

today I made an anklet, one that stays on 24/7. I even superglued the ends together. at first I didn't know why I would want to keep something on, then I realized what it could be capable of. the moment it falls off I will stop hoping for things to change. I'll get on with my life and stop thinking in the past.. that is if before it falls off things don't change, we don't figure something out. the clock is ticking and I don't even know for how long. 

I can hear the rain pelting down, I can open my window and smell it, but I'm stuck. just another stoopid window with a screen to keep me in. I long for the days when I could sit on the windowsill and look out over the trees, the lagoon, the stars up above. now it's just staring through mesh at another ugly building, another falling-down fence. 
the city life is slowly killing me. the cars on the busy street in front of the house making more noise then usual with the rain-slicked cement. I consider burning another insence to calm my racing mind, quickly decide against it because it's only warm beneath these covers. maybe if I wait long enough I can catch the sun coming up in the morning, sit on the couch by the only windows that look out over the fields across the street and just watch. sit amidst a pile of warm blankets and forgive the sun for all the pain it's caused me in the past. 

there's nothing better than freshly shaved legs on a more female day. the way it feels just is like no other feeling on this planet, and when the sudden rush of girly isn't followed by a rush of dysphoria, all the better. the smell of the strawberry lotion mixing with the cinnamon in the air is just about what heaven would smell like. 

<3 <3