breaking my back just to know your name.

there's a mess in my head and lies on my lips. don't know the truth anymore, just trying to figure it all out. the clock keeps on ticking by way too fast. it doesn't help at all. whispers of "I'm okay" and "everything is fine" make their way from my vocal cords, those same ones that can't produce low enough sounds to be recognized as the boi, the man I am inside.  the wind howls, the rain pounds, yet he's cooped up inside, waiting to go play in the stormy weather, to be swept up off his feet by the wrath of nature. he waits, alone, always alone. he wishes he could form the words his mind wants to say but somehow they're just out of his grasp. he just needs to go out and feel for once. feelings never were an easy thing, even more so when he doesn't know which to feel at any point in time. everything just seems either apathetic or melodramatic and it's driving him crazy. he needs to just feel without having any kind of judgement on his scale of feeling.  his throat quivers, he realizes days are passing by faster and faster. he doesn't feel ready at all to leave high school. he doesn't feel as though the school system has really prepared him for what is to cone next, like he'll be diving head-first into something that he doesn't even know how deep it is, just taking the risk. the days for applications to start being handed in are drawing nearer and nearer. is it too late to decide he wants to take a year off first? although his family would never allow him to take the time.  everything is falling into place and he doesn't even know how. things are getting done before due dates even when he feels so tired he can't even move. he could be about to drop dead from exhaustion and then the pile of homework will magically dissapear until next time. if only it really was magic, if only this is the hardest that this year would have for me at all, then it would matter so much, he could start to relax ad get into the flow. much of the world is hiding right now, in a year he will be able to tell how to figure out which parts are real. he will be out there, braving the world without the shelter of a general studies school to keep him from working on something he'd be interested in. he gets to choose who he is, what he will be doing, why he is such a crazy person.  <3 <3