but we are not the same.

he walks into the classroom just like any other, picks a seat and mentally prepares himself for the three-hour lecture. what he doesn't let on is that he's nervous; in a women's studies class he stands alone as the female body with the something else soul. he's not ready to tell them that he prefers male pronouns, not ready to not only not be woman in that class but to have rejected the possibility of woman that they are all discovering at this time. each day he waits for someone to tell him to get out of the course, that he isn't welcome, that he'll never understand their ways. at the same time the course material is that much more interesting with his extra lens. it's an internal struggle every time he gives it a thought, but it's for the greater good. he's so drained, a new day to start and have his workload on overdrive. somehow it'll be okay, he'll get through it. <3 <3

nothing changes, nothing changes.

he's so numb, going into this place here nothing feels real. there's no one to ask, no one to talk him through. because it's the middle of the night when there's not a soul to trust and his half-hearted cries for help will go unanswered yet again. he's so alone in this bed. he keeps trying, trying to reach out, to make someone see just how much it's killing him to look in the mirror and not see the man he sees when he closes his eyes. it's unrealistic and society's bullshit, but it makes him feel whole to have that image of what he should be. he listens to societal norms, the only words that seem to be constant, whispering in his ear to drop a couple extra pounds (from where?), reminding him how alone he is (but it's only while they sleep), seducing him until the flaws are the only things he sees. he calls out, crying while he hops on the scale every morning. hoping maybe someone will reach out to meet him if the numbers keep slipping farther down, maybe someone will care. maybe if he keeps popping at them with pointless "hey"s they'll take a hint that he needs to talk. but it's not likely, he knows he belongs to himself, to the woes and imperfections. he's removed himself from the public, hoping to erase others' perception of his gender. if he's not there they can't call him "miss", they can't hurt him with "she"s or "her"s. if he's alone no one can touch him. if he's alone he can't hold in the river of tears threatening to drown him. it's a cruel cycle he lives in, somedays he doesn't see the point in bothering. it's all fun and games until somebody crumbles to pieces. <3 <3

this ends tonight.

he can't escape, can't awaken from this feeling. his soul is eating him alive and he can't help but be crushed under the weight of it all. but he tries to be strong, tries to forget everything's so fucked up and just be a man for her. around him the world is crumbling. every waking moment is a battle in his head, trying ever so desperately to hold on to something before he disappears completely. he needs something, someone to hold his hand, look him in the eyes, and tell him it will all be okay. he needs to feel the pressure of physical touch on his skin, give into the need his body craves so desperately. he gasps for another breath before being pulled under, into the pits of discomfort. nothing feels right. nothing fits. the screaming in his head can't get any louder. he can only sit there, unable to figure out what to do next. <3 <3

let's run away.

midterm season once again, although this time he's lost his motivation. he doesn't know how to make himself focus and study. he doesn't know how to detach from the world of his friends who get to fuck around whenever they please. he doesn't know how to stop wanting to cosplay when he doesn't even have many cosplayable fandoms. and not ones that anyone would do with him. he can't deal with all the homestucks when he just wants something simple. he wants to play with wigs and try his hand at sewing his own costumes and paint and props. he's found the door to this whole new world and he doesn't know how to make the time to step through the door to the other side. it's a whole new world he's looking for, a place where it's okay to just be whatever the fuck happens. it makes him happy yet it depresses him with how much he can't put in that kind of effort or can't measure up. he'll never seem to do anything well enough to be noticed. <3 <3 

want to be a mighty king.

there is nothing that has turned him against sleep. in fact, he rather enjoys it, but these days it is becoming increasingly harder to reach it. when the sun is all the way down and the rest of the world has reached their breaking point of staying awake, his mind switches on. he has all sorts of ideas flying around in his head, crashing about while he tries to hold on. and then he thinks that jacking off is the best idea ever at 1am, even though he doesn't have any response. he could watch his body quiver, contract in orgasm, yet still be there completely unmoved by the process. he almost feels as though his body is feeling this sexual thing that his mind just can't seem to wrap around. it's almost frustrating. eventually 2:30-3am rolls around and he's starting to wonder what there is left to do and he curls in a ball and finally falls asleep. if only he could be conscious of those dreams, if he could see himself how his dreams picture. sometimes he just really needs to feel more masculine than he really is.  <3 <3 

I don't wanna miss one kiss.

he keeps telling himself it's okay, he can do it. he's just having issues dealing with missing out on what seems like everything. the fact that he has to lie to be allowed to do anything is rather pathetic. the fact that he's almost 19 and his mother wants him to make his 15(almost16)-year-old girlfriend go out of her way and be alone at night from Richmond to Tsawwassen when he has a far less chance of anything happening to him makes him sick. he can't deal with the amount of sheltering that is trying to be put over him when he's seen the pits of hell and he's danced with devils his mother's never even dreamed of. he needs out, he needs to stick his baby toe out to find his footing in the real world. he's trying so hard to be strong for his baby, but he's crumbling, he's failing every time he realizes how much time he misses with her, how many more memories they could have if he could just have a flexibility in his freedom. it's eating away at him how it's him fault because he was a terrible child and is being punished for that. it's his fault for being born. it's his fault for having a mother who is so innocent to the ways of the world.  <3 <3 

what's in a name.

there he is, silent while they misjudge him. he doesn't want to cause a scene. they don't know how much it kills him inside. they don't believe him because he has no desire to be called any other name. he has no attachment to any name, any jumble of letters. everywhere he turns there are new names being assigned to bodies-in-formation. they look to him as if to say where's yours? are you part of the cool kids or not? he remains silent all this time. all he does is manage to keep the tears from falling down his cheeks, never knowing any way to come up with an answer to their gaze's question. he feels so alone in this struggle, so isolated from those in battles most similar. he'll keep telling himself it'll be okay, knowing somewhere in the back of him head that it'll be years before it will be sorted, years before they can have their little lovenest. it's the one things he's counting on these days.  <3 <3 

guess who's back.

he watches life from the outside, peering into what teenaged times are supposed to be. he hears everything through the grapevine. he's been watching from the shadows, reading their unwritten stories. finally he's had them write down the stories, open up in a way that feels safe. he's ready to join those of the living, ready to amount to something. then it hits him: his cis-chick friend can get top surgery just because she feels like it while he's spent nights crying over the chest bits that won't go away on their own and he knows he may never get the funds together to have it rectified. it hurts. for once he just wishes he had a way of passing, a body that didn't give him away at first glance. so he curls up to sleep, hoping to forget yet another day, a day he made it through intact... for the most part.  <3 <3 

my one and own.

he's sliced away at his skin over and over, leaving it to be almost a kink ritual at times, a catholic-like self beating at others. he's punished himself for hurting those he's least wanted to hurt, giving way to stupid decisions. he's been to places that the only way to feel the least bit sexual was biting through flesh with cool metal, letting the sting overtake him. he's been to places where full meals made him hate his body, where the scale flashing up 106lbs at him had him throwing off layers of clothing to be sure his actual weight did not exceed his metal number. he's cried himself to sleep with an empty stomach as he watched the numbers go up and down each passing day. he's stared into the mirror and picked apart every piece of his reflection. he can't say he's been happy about any of it. he's been battling his body for years. the temporary peace treaty has expired and he's falling, losing, running into retreat. he sees her in her own battle and tries to abandon his own to help her but his own battle starts to gain on him until he's drowning in the fight. he's so done with the fighting, yet the relief troops never come. maybe it's time to run from the fight, take her hand and head into the woods where the dissatisfaction with body image doesn't become an issue. it sounds like such a nice way to live, but he just can't bring himself to abandon the efforts he's put into learning to deal with civilisation. he'll just keep on floating in-between decisions, fighting because he knows no other way.  <3 <3

the silence.

some days he wonders about the people who, for a moment, where the only other person in the world. he wonders about those who he's shared late-night conversations about nothing, glimpses from across crowded sky trains, stories of every bit of their lives. and he hopes they're happy. maybe they too think of him sometimes, remember him just a little, possibly ask themselves "I wonder what he's up to now". but who is he kidding, the people never wonder the way he hopes they do, they never glimpse back on the pointless moments that meant everything to him. he's a time capsule never meant to be opened, only kept for the sake of collecting.  the hallways feel empty even at their most crowded from all the new faces without a place inside him. he's trying to place one foot in front of the other, get from A to B, but the walls are intricate. the metal walls that get thrown up every time he tries to do something new, learn concepts those plenty other faces light up with every day. he'll be okay, somehow, he's always made it through. now he has a reason to try.  <3 <3 

keep holding on.

he could spend his whole life being beaten down and never get used to it. it's even worse when things seem to be going pretty well and then BAM, shit happens. that feeling he wouldn't wish on anyone. when he feels so stupid and useless and like nothing even matters if he's alive, yet he keeps getting beat down until he's ready to throw the towel in and that bitch knows all the right ways to get to that point quicker. he's trying to man up, pretend it doesn't hurt, stay strong, but it physically pains him so that he can't even function anymore. all he asks for is a little pain medication and some love, just to feel wanted.  then she goes and makes his day, makes things seem almost okay as long as he gets to see her soon. as long as she is his and he is hers. as long as he can hold her.  <3 <3 

I'm so tired.

first day of college and he's ready to cry. it's not the work, it's not the long days, it's not the school plus two jobs plus night school. it's the dealing with so many new people at once, it's the being on the bus every day, it's the not being able to see her as much as he'd like to. he's so sick of being away from her. he just wants to be able to fall in love without hurdles being thrown at him from every angle. he just wants a little bit of time during the week to see her.  with so many schedules he's not even sure when he's free to do anything, he's confused and he doesn't quite know what to do about it. he's so tired of having to live by schedules, he just wants to break free and let life happen how it wants to. it's too much to handle to have it all going on at once.  <3 <3 

somebody rip my heart out.

in the morning he starts college, in the morning he has the first day of the rest of his life. he doesn't know how to deal with the morning. he isn't sure what to wear, who to be, where to go on his break, how to survive. every second he spends thinking about it is a second he could be out doing something about it, yet he sits and ponders the whole world. he's scared, more of the change and the unknown than the coursework. if only he could turn back time and enjoy his childhood like he should have, live every moment free before being strung down by many people. in a generation trying to grow up too fast, only to find out the best parts of life were the ones they were in a hurry to be rid of, he's finding out just how much he's missed out on. the world begins to fade away, not quite making sense of the nonsense.  <3 <3 

but baby I'm trying.

three months. she's let him grace her with the privilege of being her boyfriend for three months thus far and he's so drunk off her he can't even tell which way is up. every time he breathes her in he's holding her scent in his lungs, hoping to never have to go without her in his arms. she is his angel, his rock, his love, his everything. he wants to be there for her and protect her 24/7, even if she doesn't feel like she needs protection. his manpride is at stake, begging to stand up for her at all costs, begging to smother her in presents and affection. he can't help but to want it all for her, he wants all her dreams to come true. most of all, he wants many more months, years to call her his and to be called hers. this is only the beginning, he could quite possibly love her through thick and thin, till death do us part. it's terrifying, exciting, amazing.  <3 <3 

hold onto the feeling.

he knows it hasn't been that long, he knows that she's still so young and could grow out of him at any moment, he just doesn't care. he may have a whole world to figure out for himself, but he knows he wants her by his side as he does so. he knows he wants to spend his life with her, even when she speaks of someday with an almost certainty it will not be their future together. he feels cheated, like he hasn't been given the chance to prove to her how much of an option it is. he feels like telling the statistics to go fuck themselves, that high school romances can last. one part if his brain says he's kidding himself, his heart tells him he just needs to be better. he wants to promise forever. in this uncertain world, he wants to be her certainty.  <3 <3 

there's nothing else you can do.

after days away he can't seem to function properly anymore. he needs to see her, needs to feel her, needs to be there for her. he thinks of her and is instantly turned on, no second thoughts. it's getting to the point it's inconvenient timing all the time. while he waits he finds himself staying up far too late, waking up early, and doing nothing more than begging his phone to buzz with something new from her to get his mind going. it's driving him mad.  school doesn't start for another week, yet  he's figured it out how difficult everything will be and he isn't quite sure he's made a good choice. college is scary, it's setting in just how much effort he's going to need to put in. he just isn't ready to be worked on such a large scale.  <3 <3 

really good to hear your voice.

it all goes so well, he can open his mouth a little, he can explain just what she means to him. he honestly can start planning the rest of their lives together even though she's so young and they don't know how she'll feel about him once she gets a little older. he's terrified, but at the end of the day he wants her to be the one he grows old with. he wants to get her pregnant so she can have a child of her own (even if he promised he wouldn't get her pregnant as a joke). he wants to love her for as long as he can remember how to say the word love. although he can't picture the ceremony just yet, he wants to marry her someday. he wants to share every moment with her: the good, the bad, everything. he just wishes he could spend every moment with her. he stumbles across a post on an ex's blog, where she claims to be a girlfriend (a title she refused to call herself when he was mad about her). it stings for a second as he keeps reading. he feels like he never mattered, like he should be happy for her but she never even told him that she was seeing someone. then again he never told her. he guesses they're even, but it still hurts to see those words from the first girl he fell in love with.  <3 <3 

that's what I call entertainment.

and all of a sudden he doesn't know how much of it is his demisexuality and how much is how much he cares about her, but other girls mean nothing to him. he could have asses hanging out right in front of him, gorgeous girls all around and all he'll notice is bits and pieces. "nice hair" "like her makeup". none of it means anything because it isn't her. attractive people are just visually appealing, he has no actual attraction to them. no matter how week he knows them, whatever emotional attachment he has, all he notices is everything she is. walking down the street he sees things through two sets of eyes, things he finds aesthetically appealing, and thing he thinks she'll enjoy. somehow that makes life just so much easier, at the same time it makes him try to put effort into his own appearance more often.. his craft has been tested yet again, after months off from the gore it's a little difficult to get back into, but the amount of pictures let him know he can still pull it off. in the coming October he'll be trying his best to amp up the quality of his styles. somehow he'll figure out how to get to a place he can start makeup school and get the certification to do what he loves for a living. plus odd enough hours that derby might not be too much of an issue.  <3 <3 

you can't ever take the sky.

he's been so distracted by life and trying to figure out schedules for school and work at two different establishments and when his mother has planned. he's quite drained just from all the planning, not even the actual events. there's no time these days for him to make trips into tsawwassen to see his other half it seems, he's trying, it just doesn't feel like he's trying hard enough. the long breaks between the brief moments aren't enough to keep him from missing her so much that it hurts. his stomach keeps churning, his headaches more frequent, his energy levels are far lower than when he can see her. every bit just seems so much worse without her in his day every day. he's trying to break through to her, learn the little bits that make her who she is, why it's so deeply disturbing to her that he find her so beautiful. he's trying not to tear up at the thought of her having any pain, especially caused intentionally by others. he just wants to protect her, but first he needs to learn her monsters, learn what he's up against, learn how to get her to trust him enough to let him in. to be fair, he's having a hard time just getting out the three little words that keep his heart rate at an elevated pace, the one's that it's killing him keeping them inside, but he wants their escape to be prefect. he wants the moment to be right, the world to change, everything to be in just the right place. he wants her to know just how much he means it, how he isn't throwing it around like the rest of the teenage population. he wants to be able to take a deep breath and tell the world that he loves her.  <3 <3 

darkness turns to light.

he sits at home watching the clouds float over the sun, waiting for something to happen. waiting for his phone to buzz, waiting for some sign he should get up and light one of his last vanilla incense. he's just a piece of the man he hopes he'll someday be. as he walks down the street the old ladies stop him, calling him girl, chatting his eat off with stories of divorce and how men are evil. they warn him to be prepared for when he goes off to get married, little do they know that he's just trying to be one of the good men to a girl seeking solace in his arms.  he lays back, thinking over the days events, wishing there was something he could do to make his life seem worthwhile, change something drastic. he wants to bring a little peace to the women who keep telling themselves they aren't good enough, he wants to paint portraits of their lives on the big screen, he wants to make their life's count. every shred of his being is stuck, waiting for some way to turn the wheels of inspiration fast enough to create a whole rather than snippets that don't quite fit together.  so he'll keep thinking, keep wishing, keep holding onto hope.  <3 <3 

nothing to hold on to.

he can't even think anymore. there's the heat of Japan in July fucking with him, the girl that he can't get over how amazing she is even though it's the worst possible time to have someone back home to miss, the shinanigans with figuring out post-secondary, trying to keep above water in a land where he barely speaks enough of the language to be able to get by and only be laughed at a few times, and much more in the back of his mind. he's just stopped thinking, these days it's just letting his camera run his brain. at least he's getting some good pictures, pictures for her.  the mosquitoes have really enjoyed him, he's covered in itchy little bites, of course him being the one that's allergic and gets swelling and scars more often than not. it's tiring him put, all the trying to get to sleep even with the bites driving him crazy. he just wants to be somewhere he can fall asleep for a little bit with her in his arms to feel safe. all he wants is the pain and itches to go away. he needs her to keep his mind of the constant itch on his ankles, knuckles, arms, shoulders, everywhere.  after so much sun and heat the rain is welcome, only it tries to happen in the cooler nights and in buckets when he's outdoors in only flip-flops, a T-shirt, and leggings. so much for summer in Tokyo.... <3 <3 

I nearly cried.

the days are running out and he's pulling out his hair in frustration. he'd spend every moment with her if it weren't for the giant list of things to get done at some point. he's just trying to keep his head above water at the same time as spend every spare moment he can with her in his arms. 5 days and he'll be off, gone on a whirlwind adventure.  after 4 weeks avoiding anything the slightest bit unhealthy or filled with animal of any sort he isn't sure how chocolate will feel. he needs that pick-me-up, something to keep him going in the season of craziness. his next three days will be so packed he can't even think.  <3 <3 

what a feeling.

he's been busy, trying to figure out the world. he's taken the time to learn a little more about himself, the future, everything around him. he's noticed everything. she has this crazy effect where the entire world has a lens placed over top. he sees everything with a new tinge of beauty he never knew to exist before. she makes the world a better place just by being in it.  he loves the tiny moans that escape her lips, the way the curl of her bangs falls into her eyes even after pushing it back. the way she looks down when he's close by as if almost shy. he could hold her forever in his arms even if he doesn't quite have any of the muscle he imagines, even if he is just a scrawny little white boi with his heart on his sleeve.  <3 <3 

I waste my time.

he's so fed up with the schools. 13 years they screwed him over and in 4 more school days it will all be over. he's done with the lack of support for ways he can learn, he's done with being thrust into classes he doesn't even like just to forfill requirements, while classes he has been looking forward to since he first heard of them aren't even offered due to low numbers. he's tired of counselors screwing around so that he has to take math 11 a third time. he's tired of getting shitty grades because he has no time to learn the material. he's tired of having to sneak around to get any school work done. for 5 years of high school he's been an odd child out. he hasn't fit into one specific group, even in planning he got his own clique because he didn't fit into just one. graduation shouldn't feel any different, yet he knows that he failed by still having that sense of not knowing what's going on. he's always failing at something. the only thing getting him through the last day this week is getting to see her on the weekend, otherwise he couldn't care less. he's holding on by the seems, begging someone to make it go by faster. he doesn't even know how it works.. life that is. <3 <3 

you and me and all of the people.

in a school where his grad class consists of idiots and people who really don't know a thing about life, he doesn't know what's keeping him from getting amazing grades. then again there are the portion of quiet people with so much more knowledge than he could dream of.  everything is winding down and he's freaking out, not knowing how to deal with these final days. he should be happy, having shortened time before getting to see her, but he's realizing just how unprepared he is for everything. it terrifies him to no end, how he really should feel so much more prepared for everything.  all he wants to do these days is cuddle with her and make everything okay again, forget the rest of the world exists. he just wants everything to be all rainbows and butterflies and everything that she is. the little bit of distance is still enough to make him really want to crush it all to make it disappear.  <3 <3 

I have a dream about her.

he can't remember life much before she started making every day a beautiful day. 19 days filled with her and it feels like this is how it's been forever. the rest the the 18 years before that seems distant, as if from a separate lifetime. with two weeks left of high school he doesn't quite have the time to be completely checked out of thinking school things. he doesn't even care anymore as long as he can say that he's hers. getting through 7 more school days and 2 days of finals might be the only thing he manages to do before he needs to spend every moment with her.  he's so tired of putting the things he loves on the back-burner. he needs to finish writing the fanfic he started, finish the book he's been reading for forever, work on his sketchbook, make a pile of things he's been meaning to, and get back on his skates. none of it's gotten done because of how much effort he has to put into school. it's not like his grades show how much work it's taking anyways. the entire school system has become a major piss-off for him. he's so ready for school to be out at this point. apparently school just isn't done with him, though. it's a hard concept to decide why after all this time he can't just let the last bit happen without having to put far too much effort into functioning.  <3 <3

and it feels so right.

he's so close to the end, yet those last couple weeks seem to be the hardest. he's barely been paying attention the last couple weeks as a cool-down from the AP exam. the end of the year's kind of crept up on him without notice. he's been so busy with forgetting that graduating means actually doing something productive with his life that he hasn't gotten a chance to prepare the final bit before being thrust into a world he doesn't quite feel ready for. he's been out in the world and learned the hardships, but this time is without the safety net, without the second try if you screw up.  with so much stress it's really nice to find someone who can instantly make his day better just by her presence. he wants to tell himself that he's deserving of finally finding someone, although he knows she could do so much better than him. he's terrified that she'll realize that and take off on a whim. at the same time he trusts her, without any reasons to really besides his gut feeling that she will be a long-term thing, someone he will come to trust anyways.  he hasn't felt this giddy and excited about a girl he doesn't talk to in person very much ever.  he's only felt so excited after any amount of time with one girl and that is a completely different. he's starting to wonder just how to keep calm whilst in the midst of loving things.  <3 <3 

the only doom that looms is you loving me to death.

he just doesn't know how to explain how she makes him feel. everything good about the world seems to have collapsed in on one thing that he doesn't know how to understand it. all he knows is how much he wants to spend every waking moment with her. he can't think about anything else anymore. she is his drug, his addiction. for the first time in years he has been victim to idiots being homophobic assholes. he couldn't do anything to stop them but hold on to her tighter, hoping to protect her from their words. "are these two lesbians? I think they're lesbians. are you lesbians? ....... does that mean you have sex? dayyyyyym.... I'll take that as a yes!!!" stripped of his manly confidence, he still could not be put in a less than perfect mood for more than a few seconds.  with graduation coming up everyone is starting to panic, he just can't focus on the school work anymore. he'd much rather just spend his days writing or making things to give to her. that's the only he could see himself making it through the last three weeks.  <3 <3 

we live in a beautiful world.

he hasn't had the chance to catch his breath and he isn't so sure that he even wants to. everything happens at once, when he least expects it. nothing even seems real anymore with how high on everything he is. it all just blurs until he forgets what day it is, only remembering how few days of high school he has left before he's supposed to go off to the "real world" and figure out all of life's adventures.  finally getting a chance to breathe after the mass of homework, he has found that occupying his time with communication is a good way to go. he's learned to have a bit of a social life for the first time since.... well before he can remember. after the next three weeks he'll most likely end up actually going out and seeing people. he really should be preparing for spending way too much money on things he could go without, although that would require caring. he really doesn't have that thing with money where it control almost every aspect of his life.  being so close to the end he's starting to get a little anxious about it all. the things that he'll be getting into in the next year with either school or a change in continent have him starting to panic a little bit inside. it's all so foreign to him, even the idea of life beyond high school.  <3 <3 

I wanna be your lover.

he's all out of his wits, not knowing what he should be doing. his heart's saying a few different things, his head tries to hide from them all. he wants things to be easy when he knows they never will be. the law is technically not on his side but he wants to just forget about that one little thing. he wants to just forget it all and stop dealing with emotions at all.  he had boat cruise. one of the events he's supposed to hold dear about his grad year, yet he didn't even feel much about it. the  best part was seeing certain people. except there was crap music (and not even the tolerable kind that he could flail to anyways) and the crew was practically staring them all down on the deck enough so that he didn't want to stay up there. he disappeared when cameras showed up and tried to find alone time whenever possible just so he could breathe. somehow he just really wanted to spend a little time with about... 5 people. he's been so tired, so out of it after the AP exam. he doesn't feel like life is really happening anymore. it's all coming to a close around him and he's ending up getting lost somewhere amidst it all. this whole graduation thing is freaking him out. less than a month before he's officially graduated, a month and a bit until the last of the grad events. he's just not ready. even being one of the eldest in his grade, he can't wrap his mind around it.  <3 <3 

and I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

it took him playing a rapist in a mock trial to admit to himself that what happened years ago was rape. it took three whole years, three years he could have been on the road to recovery. three years of feeling useless and completely hating himself and needing to prove some sort of strength in any situation he could. now he's admitted it, although he doesn't know what the next step is. it doesn't change the fact that for a whole year he had been throwing himself around not caring about his own body, just trying to make others happy. it doesn't change the fact that he made himself miserable just to try and be what everyone else wanted him to be. it doesn't change the fact that he got himself in to more trouble than he could ever imagine trying to keep everyone happy. he's admitted the truth, but he can't move on. he needs the world to understand just how deeply he has been hurting, tearing himself apart trying to figure out some magical answer to make everything okay.  he's opened his soul to those he doesn't know if he can fully trust yet, hoping that taking a leap of faith will pay off in the end. he's so battered and bruised that he can't seem to make sense of it, yet somehow he just knows that it'll be worth it. somehow he knows that things will all be okay.  <3 <3 

it can't be that bad.

he's so hard on himself, trying to have all the perfect things. he's trying to make it all seem flawless when in reality everything he is is flawed. now all he sees are the flaws, nothing else. he's sick and tired of himself so he takes it all out on his imperfections. he focuses in on the little things and just hopes that something good will happen. he's stressed beyond belief, yet he doesn't know how to show it so no one seems to realize just how much he's going through to keep from doing anything stupid. he's just so tired and so close to snapping.  two days and he'll be okay. two more days of school before he can finally relax and unwind a little. that's okay. he can deal with two days, it's just the fact that there's the exam so early in the morning.. <3 <3 

wail at the moon.

he's been so crazy busy trying to keep up with it all that he's completely forgotten entire segments of every piece he needs to get done. he has projects and test completely ignored for no reason other than the fact that he doesn't care anymore, he's just looking for some sort of escape from the grind. all that he really needs is something to make this last month not complete terror. he knows he has a test the second-last day of school. he knows that he has a project two weeks overdue. he knows that he needs to get his shit together soon before his grades suffer beyond saving. it may already be too late. he isn't ready for all of it.  being someone who performs as just another part of life, not because he chooses to, this scholarship interview really isn't all that difficult. he knows the strings to play, the things the judges want to hear. he knows his subject backwards and forwards and he knows how to lie his way through making the judges believe he really wants to pursue the area in his own free will. he's so lost behind it all that he doesn't know what he wants from anything. he's tired and lonely and overworked. he just really needs Thursday night to make sure he doesn't explode.  <3 <3 

living with not dying from disease.

he's come back to the place where he's so close yet so far away. he could get on with his life, cut those last couple strands, and be completely free. in if few more days he might be cutting those strands for completely different reason. he doesn't want to take the chance. maybe one day he'll tell her what they mean, one day when he can bring himself to bring it up. for now he'll try to make those last few days, as if he doesn't have enough to distract himself with.  he can't even find the time to relax with all the craziness headed his way. Monday looms just around the corner while he's scrambling to choreograph and memorize, basing the next year of his life around how well he does. then the AP exam he's had the whole year to prepare for but hasn't bothered to even try until there's too much to be done to fit studying in. that exam quickly followed by a project he has no ideas where he'll manage to get any work done in his schedule. finally, the boat cruise to celebrate the end of the most difficult week of his life thus far.  his mother decides to spring things on him when he's least expecting it. once he commits to a school, a plan for the next year he gets hit with a "if you don't get scholarships you can go live in brazil for 6 months, that would be a good experience." he doesn't know how he feels. he's glad to have such a beautiful option, yet he doesn't think he can figure it out alone. he needs someone to understand his traveling habits.  <3 <3 

breaking my back.

he'd been trudging along thus far, trying to gain some sort of insight as to the world's need for him. before he knew it the days passed by and now he's merely days from  his dogwood presentation. he hasn't prepared a thing an he's scared shitless. he needs the money badly.. everything he does is a little bit more of a fail at life. he's not ready for any of this shit yet.  <3 < 3 

like I knew that I would now.

he doesn't even know how to deal with his emotions. he goes to this place of extreme femme everytime he highly, highly enjoys something. if he is around girls that he likes he'll make an ass of himself acting way too girly for the rest of his life, he'll swoon and giggle and become overly sensitive. if it's a movie he just squees with no end in sight. he'll squee and curl up and clap his hands with his knuckles and make noises only heard from the girls in anime. charters in books or movies or tv shows make him love them to death until he hates them. he'll end up literally crying when he sees their face because he loves them so much that he hates them. he just has a lot of feelings. most of his feelings are for things that he knows he cannot have. when by the odd chance there is something thy he likes that he ca have he goes into panic mode and automatically fucks everything up. at least after a while. he can't even stand how many feelings avengers gave him. he literally came out of the theatre wailing about things being perfection, turned to the side, saw a cardboard poster of all the avengers, hugged the Natasha side, and screamed marry me. then continued to wail and hug it for a good few minutes. there's picture evidence.  his teacher gave him a psychological analysis today in class. basically the teacher said he has a hard exterior and no one can mess with him. he has power and manliness more than any other physical female the teacher had met. although apparently deep down he has emotions and he can be hurt. he wanted to laugh at it all because he doesn't see the hard shell at all, yet he really has been looking for someone to acknowledge the bits of manliness he possesses. that one teacher so far is the only one to mention it in almost a year. it felt too good.  <3 <3 

goo goo gajoob.

he's not quite sure how to deal with so much technology at once. he's had two years of getting used to his iPod and now an android phone seems so odd. he has so much he can do and so many options, it all seems so foreign to him. he understands it, but he can't quite understand that it is his phone. he doesn't feel like he deserves anything worth anything much. he's never had anything but the cheapest of everything so he's trying to understand how this is something that he could be allowed to have.  he doesn't want to really leave the place in his life he's in. he's not ready to go off and make something of himself after a year of such struggling to get anything done. he's so sick of the job action and the shit of grade 12 and making sure he graduates. like, fuck. he doesn't even really care if he graduates that much at this point, as long as he doesn't have to keep being reminded that this year, one of the worst for the educational system of BC in a long time, is his last.  <3 <3 

you are unforgiven.

he's so unprepared. everything that he's been told his entire life seems as if it is happening all at once and he doesn't know how to control it all. he's falling behind in school, in life, in everything he's ever tried to do. he's already 18 and he's only done one thing he's ever really been proud of, which was writing a play but even that he's slightly doubting. everywhere he turns he feels like he's gotten lost, there's no signs to guide him in the right direction. not that he expected it to be all that easy, it's just that he'd pictured that this time in his life he would have it figured out and pulled up his grades to a place to be proud of. he's let himself down and trying to make excuses for it by saying that his school change screwed him over. it's time that he needs to just sit himself down and take the blame for being a fuck up. no one else is to blame.  these days he can't seem to look in a mirror without wanting to cry. there's just so many sides to him that want different things. he wants to look in the mirror and see the masculine curves in his face, see the makeup as the only way to tell he isn't just another boy. he wants to looking into the mirror to see long, flowing hair and perfect skin. he wants to be a mix of everything until no one else can look at him without being confused. he can only see beauty in the bits of non-conformity.  <3 <3 

in the end it doesn't even matter.

he tries to get a little more into a body he can feel comfortable in. his mother complains about it all. he wears mens jeans, she flips, he wears mens deodorant and she tells him he can't put it on in the bathroom because he doesn't like the smell. he's trying to just do what you were  he's so tired these days that he can't even function. everything blends together until he can't even tell the difference between weeks in the past and the future. he's just so done with everything the world seems to have to offer.  everyone around him is spreading their wings to take off on some magical journey through life. somehow it seems to be everyone but him. he really has no will to even finish the year anymore. the academic route has no appeal to him when he can get all the things needed for an education online. even though the access is there, the way society works does not base anything on knowledge, only who can afford to get big fancy degrees. he's so sick of this bullshit that life drags him through on a daily basis.  <3 <3 

some kind of innocence.

leaving the town he's come to fall in love with yet again after a beautiful week, reality is setting in. the people he'll be returning to's faces make their way into his mind. he'll admit he doesn't quite want to see them. he's done with seeing his family at all. his school "friends" he'd much rather carry put conversations over internetular devices. there's only three people he'd like to bring to him and spend time with. each of them is hurting in ways he can relate to, each is someone he hasn't seen in months but loves more than the one's he sees every day. he wants to share the beauty with each of them, help them by helping himself. at the end of the day they could all comfort each other in their woes.  his flashbacks seem to revolve around the last time he made this trip home, the differences in the trips themselves, the ways he wishes this one was more like the last. he can't help but to feel that this time around, although more of the plays were better quality, he's just spent too much money and not done enough work.  one day left for him to get everything done, he's already so tired. he's been so good this year, not a single skipped class, completed his homework almost every day. it's just getting to be too much for him. he's so done with high school, yet it's grabbing him by the hair and dragging him over glass shards to test him, see if he'll end up living to see high school graduation. he's rediscovered his outlet for it all, but a few cigarettes that he tells almost no one about just aren't enough to get him through. he's already had his grades go to shit with trying his hardest. he's just done. <3 <3 

sleep the pain, come over.

he's so insignificant. next to the boy who wins youth Gandhi awards and slam poetry competitions, fills hearts with hope through ideas that he's given the boy. things they were supposed to do together that only the boy has had the ability to carry forward. he feels hopeless when he can't get off his ass for long enough to put a project together. he can't do anything in his little pit of despair, yet he still thinks he can amount to something. he's too busy complaining about the status quo to try and make a change. the drive is still there, the fight is still there, but the action falters. he takes a drag from his cigarette, stolen moments of drowning his sorrows. he can't imagine a world where he can ever measure up.  it pains him to be around people, knowing they have much more to offer than he could ever hope, yet he can't stand being alone. every moment a new conflict within himself.  <3 <3

pain, perfection, muscle spasms.

he's made the trip down to Ashland a little easier than it could have been. rent parties always seem to put him in a good mood, he doesn't quite know what it is that makes them so much better than life without. possibly all the queer and acceptance. he was forced to watch twilight, 17 again, and never say never and STILL it was all okay with a little sing/ dance party with musical soundtracks.  he needs to stop buying teas, except they're so perfect in every way. he can't help how much he just wants to just have all the tea forever. mmmmm tea. yep.  he can't help but to laugh at what should be a life. instead it's just a pile of fail.  <3 <3 

don't know when I'll be back again.

all he really wants is a chance to be recognized as something at least close to his 'gender'. he's tired of the same people using female pronouns for him without even trying to do any different. they don't care enough to listen to him, thinking they aren't doing anything wrong when it kills him inside. they call him woman when they address him, expecting him to just sit back. it tugs at his heart, he knows he should fight back, he should take a stand. he's too afraid to cause any commotion amongst them to correct their mistakes. he's just too nice to say anything.  he's leaving in the morning, attempting to get work done while on a trip. he should know better, yet he keeps trying to push himself harder and harder. he's breaking down, but with deadlines around the corner it's hardly the time to be having a crisis. he'll hold it in as much as he can until he's ready to explode. the stress just keeps on building.  <3 <3 

crying like church on Monday.

two night of being onstage. the last two of his high school career. he should've felt something, like something was breaking inside. just some sort of sadness. instead he feels relief; he's done dealing with izdebski. he can go on to let his creativity take over in his future endeavors. he can write and shape worlds unimagined. he can choose when he feels comfortable on the performing side and when he would prefer to just stay behind the scenes, creating. he has the freedom to choose.  a day being silent while others dismiss his cause, taunting him in attempt to make him speak. it gets quite difficult, he wants to lose faith. then near the end when he's feeling discouraged, he gets a second wind from a teacher who thanks him for doing it, being the sole student that stands up against all the bullying. he knows after that just how much he affects the school in doing so. that moment regains his trust in humanity.  spring is his favorite season, the only downside is just how much his allergies act up during the season. he can't breathe, can't function, can't do much of anything. sometimes he wants to just claw out his eyes and be done with it all. that would make it so much easier to live through the season. the worst part is being allergic to the beautiful bits he loves.  <3 <3 

more than you could ever know.

he rides the fast train to confusion. in everything he does, he does to try to get a step closer to finding answers. he's slowly discovering the balance between his femininity and masculinity every time he tries to go and explain it to someone else, every time he tries to explain it his explanation slightly changes, then he has to start over with the first people. it's a process that has him completely worn out. every night he flops into bed exhausted, not knowing how he'll manage to wake up and face another day. every morning he wakes almost as tired as he was the night before.  he really doesn't know hat he wants to do with his life anymore. people tell him to do what he loves. he loves everything queer, British television, poetry, and various forms of art. his only options from that would be to be a British actor (except fame scares the shit out of him), write for theatre/ film/ tv series, or do some sort of LGBT activism. although he's not too clear on the path he'd take to do that. he would have to look into it a little more before coming to some sort of conclusion. this is his life that they're talking about.  <3 <3 

and over again.

his body itches, aches for sharp objects. he craves the pain that he once knew with every fragment of his being. he deserves it, he should be punished for the shit he's done thus far. he's tired of having no motivation, no strict plan of action to get everything done. he's been lazy and he has no liable excuse, he deserves the pain. he can't stand to be alone yet another night. he's rambling, going out of his mind. he can't quite figure out how to live like he used to, before everything changed. there he sits, freaking out, not ready to graduate yet so ready to be done with it all.  <3 <3 

faster, faster.

having a day to just relax was something he needed. sure, a big vanlock event would have been nice, but the three people made it a lot easier for him to function. he's not good with big groups, the excitement makes it difficult for him to breathe and he doesn't know how to be part of such a big group and he has to sit by himself and try to calm himself down. unless he has a smoke, then he's good to go for a while. with three people he could have actual conversations and not feel left out. they could just go get food without having to call ahead and hope to god they can put together a table big enough. they could walk down the street without having to wait for someone every few seconds. they could find outdoor tables to sit at, fit in tiny stores, actually get things done. in a way he enjoyed it more than last time. there wasn't the chaos of everyone everywhere. getting to know someone he's only met at the last event was nice, plus spending time with someone he really would enjoy spending more time with was great. they made it to a tea store, something he'd promised to take his friend to do for months.  having a break from the scholarship applications, the tests, and the homework was nice. he could just go out and have fun without worrying about all the things that he had to do when he got home. that's the first time he's been able to forget that in a while.  <3 <3 

this is crazy.

he'd thought the kony 2012 project was just about over, turns out it's only the beginning. the invisible children road trip people came to his school to try and disprove some of the theories against the whole organization. yet again they managed to still be completely unuseful. he was so close to asking what the arrest had done to the campaign.  staying home has become his thing, living only through the Internet and hoping that maybe someday he'll have the confidence to talk to the people he's grown to idolize through tumblr. every once in a while, if he's good, he gets to have social interaction that aren't in school. they scare him quite a bit, but in the end they make him stronger.  weekends used to be his time off of school and stress, now they're filled with cramming everything in, waking up early, going to work, doing homework, trying to see real people, and the like. the simplicity that came with weekends is long since gone. all he wants to do these days is catch up on the sleep he doesn't get a chance to have. in the mean time coffee will keep him awake.  <3 <3 

underneath the bridge.

he sees the world with new eyes every passing day. one day he sees humanity, wants to butcher them all in one blow, the next he can't help but to love everything that has ever existed anywhere. he likes to think of those as his good days, the days he's striving towards. if only he could live a life of love and peace and all the goodness in the world, only he's human himself, he is flawed to the point where he cannot manage to love or understand himself. but he can always keep trying, keep striving for that view of his 'perfect' life. he can burn more incense and weave more than letters across a page. he just has to let himself be taken over by it all. he just has to let himself be happy. his pangs of hunger wake him from his fantasy. he lives in a world run by closed-minded capitalist consumerists who don't see the beauty in things other than money and possessions. yet only see the power and the greed that leaves them blind to the rest of the world. they try to escape the harm reality of those who have nothing, struggling to live every day while they complain every time things don't go exactly as they plan, every time there are small imperfections in their life that inconvenience them in the slightest. they don't know fighting for anything other than greed.  he misses the lands of the faraway places childhood stories took him to, the Utopias and wonderlands where he grew up. he misses the times before people knew what it felt like to own anything. he misses living in ignorance to the redundancy of mankind.  <3 <3  

the world will never be the same.

everything he's tried to stay away from has come back to haunt him. the memories, the different stages in his life, the parts of himself he wishes never existed. in some ways he's disgusted by how much he's become someone so different than he imagined. in others, he's just waiting for things to get back on track. he's just so tired of everything and how the world spins and the amount of homework he hasn't quite done yet. everything seems so commonplace, as if from a world he doesn't really belong in at all. all the creative energy running through him just gets flattened into mundane tasks. it's killing any chance at having an enjoyable high-school life.  he's realizing how little of the school year is left to go. it's scaring him. he thought he had all this time when really he's cutting it pretty close now. he should be working towards finding ways to get his grades to their top for the last two months. instead he's still fucking around and forgetting to do homework and falling asleep as soon as he gets home. two weeks and he'll be in Ashland. another three weeks and he'll be writing his AP exam. closely followed by boat cruise. then about a month before school's out. it's getting to the last legs and that terrifies him more than anything. at least he knows what to expect for next year and enjoys the subject matter completely.  <3 <3 

all confidential.

he's dealing with things. he doesn't even seem to notice that it was Easter all fucking day. no attempting to get the whole family together for dinner and his great aunt being away in Australia at work is good. he never liked holidays anyways. if only there was a way to get the cheap after-Easter chocolate with the first-on-shelves selection. he's so ready to shove his face with chocolate and forget his worries.  like any other sudsy night he's bombarded by porn. kinky, fetishy porn. just another thing to remind him that in a week he'll be able to say that it's been exactly 2 years since he's had sex. he's been trying to find himself in ways where he isn't giving up more than he receives, he doesn't have to settle for something purely physical that he doesn't care about instead of having the emotions and the butterflies and the cutesy cuddles. the ability to actually love those who he tries relationship-y things with far outways the moments of meaningless, emotionless sex. he's proud of himself for waiting around to find people who he can love and have an actual attraction to. maybe as a reward he won't have so many things to be so confused about.  <3 <3 

you are unforgiven.

his days are dragging on, the holidays come and go and he doesn't even notice. they all seem like ordinary days, he works, his family fights, sometimes they make it through dinner without someone getting kicked out, everyone goes home. he's just so ready to be far away for it all. he'd give anything to just live in some country he's never heard of around every holiday. the only problem is that he doesn't see the point in travel, there are only a very few cities he enjoys and Vancouver happens to be one of them.  he's almost accomplished what he hoped to get done by today. tomorrow he still has law and some stuff for his AP project to start on, hopefully giving him time for history, memorizing, and grad transitions on Monday. there's so much work to be done and he hasn't done nearly enough of it to feel like he's even functioned. he should be buckling down and getting these last few weeks of the way so that he has a clear plate when it comes time to studying for exams. he doesn't want to be rushing everything at once.  he would think he'd object to working Easter morning for no extra pay, but it turns out he doesn't care. it gets him out of the house and up at a decent-ish hour. he loves that it gets him away from his mother and family plans and the threatening pile of homework that never seems to go away. plus he's hoping the holiday will bring in some extra tips, although it's doubtful.  <3 <3 

watch it burn as I touch your face.

his mornings off school consist of waking up early, falling asleep, waking up at a normal time, going back to sleep, and finally waking up really late. if only he could get it on the first try. he's just too exhausted from the last couple weeks with no chance to sleep in ever. all he needs is a little time to rest, get his sleeping schedule back to where he thinks it should be, and catch up on schoolwork. four day long weekend might be enough time, but even that's stretching it. another spring break where no one's trying to make him be social would be greatly appreciated any time.  he's a little worried about Ashland. his friends want to sleep in until the afternoon and spend all the time away from the group while he wants to wake up to see sunrises and adventure about town when everyone else is just waking up. he wants to have breakfast while everyone else is not in the crazy rush, enjoy it peacefully. he wants to have time for himself to just fall in love with the city all over again. he almost doesn't know if he can handle the lazy capitalist consumerist and the  soccer dork making things that much harder to enjoy. last year was easy, when he could spend time with people he could relate to much more easily.  <3 <3 

plenty of ammunition.

his internal clock isn't ticking, he can't find anything to tell him what time it is so he tries to sleep in the day and all night, tries to create masterpieces of effort all night. all he can manage is to close his eyes and hope that falling asleep will mean he doesn't look tired.  he laughs a little as people still think that getting through the last year of highschool will be anywhere near an easy task. he's pulling all his strings to stay up late enough to remember to breathe and losing himself in the piles of homework that he really should get done. his entire being just falls a little, forgetting everything that isn't directly connected to the current moment.  his tears keep falling, reminding him that he can't fight away the sleep any longer, he'll give in as soon as it becomes too much to bear.  <3 <3 

the secret things that nobody knows somehow you've figured out.

he runs his fingers through his windswept hair, roughly, not caring as he tears at the strands. he tugs a little harder, hoping for some sort of relief from all the emotions bombarding him at all sides. his hand falls to his cheek, soft as only a woman's skin should be. he craves that rough manly touch when he looks in the mirror. his hands keep going, flowing over hips, stomach, breasts which never felt like his. he doesn't understand how that body is what they all see when they look at him, that hairy legs and a bound chest will never equal the muscle and hard edges chiseled away by years of testosterone.  he goes inside and holds himself, his body and the person inside comforting each other as the long day wears on. he can only take so much before the emotions overflow, leaving him in a mess on the floor. he tries to clean himself up, to put on another brave face so that the world never guesses how much he has been through to make this moment possible.  sometimes he runs, hides away with the trees and the mosses and the lovers who don't stop to judge what they are seeing. he fights to stay hidden, to camouflage against the rest of the world. he knows it won't help one bit, but at least it's something. it's something he can do.  <3 <3 

if I knew what I was missing.

he gets so caught up in the world, the objects and people around him, that sometimes he forgets to live his own life. he's caught himself sitting back and watching far too many times to count. he prides himself in being a people-watcher. in crowds that never seem to end, he can always pick out a few interesting people going about doing things that others would not think of doing if their lives depended on it. he can find his way into their past in ways that may or may not be true. although lately he's had a curse, he sees them going about life and realizes he needs that, he needs interactions with people who care about him in more ways than just the words they speak. he needs to find acceptance in a world with more things wrong with it every passing day. he needs to go back to being more than just a watcher. all around him the people he knows are figuring out their lives, following thee paths, soaring to achieve their dreams. he almost thinks he'll be left behind, not having the grades, the skills, the will to follow such a grueling path. one day he think he might wake up from under the trees the roam the streets, carrying all the world's judgement upon his shoulders, just to feel like he did something right. he wants to take a stand, start a fight, create things that will leave a positive impact on humanity for generations to come, but to impact anyone he'll have to endure the torture of fame, no matter how small the fandom. that scares him more than anything.  <3 <3 

tell me that we're all alone.

he made it through 30 hours, sleeping for the last 3 1/2. he would have thought that high jump mats would be comfy to sleep on, but he ended up just managing to injure himself all over and woke up sore from his neck to his tailbone, also receiving a bruise behind his right knee. he should have known better, every time he sleeps on something that isn't a bed he wakes up in pain. he tries to avoid doing so until he knows that the spa open house is near so that he can get his free hot stone massage. he knows he'll be in pain for at least a week with the way things are looking, work in the morning will be hell. he can't really imagine doing anything in his current state, standing around for 6 hours really wouldn't be at the top of his list of things he'd like to attempt to do with such pain.  at this point all he wants is a big pile of pain killers and warm, cuddly things. sleep also sounds like a good option, even if he did have a nap only a couple hours ago or so. it's quite the miracle how much he can sleep. <3 <3 

it's 3AM, she won't put out.

with all his random escapades he doesn't even know how he's managed to get so boring. maybe he started having fun too young, maybe he needed to establish a better relationship with people that he had to actually try to get along with in order to keep the fun going. somehow he's managed to stop the majority of even the sober fun, the playing on playgrounds and climbing trees, the conversations that make compete sense to only the two of you. he's managed to make it so that he can only have that kind of fun on special occasions. he misses those days of constant entertainment, constant fun, constant reminders of just how much he was living as much as he possibly could. he misses the confidence to just live without regrets, without over-thinking every move. all he's asking for is a little bit of that confidence to make that kind of fun happen again.  with the minutes counting down until he's not allowed to eat for 30 hours, he finding everything so much more inviting. he's just hoping he can watch the clock closely enough to stop eating at midnight.  <3 <3 

when the bee stings.

the wind outside his window keeps picking up, leaving him a little more scared than he should be. he's hungry, tired and really not someone to fuck with right now. at least he's done his homework and visual essay. that's the hard part, now he has to deal with the rest of it. he could just fall asleep and be ready for more adventures in the morning. instead he'll think of food and keep tumbling and such.  he's got about 24 hours before he stops eating for the 30 hour famine. he's excited, but he doesn't want to appear too overjoyed. he just wants the week to be over and to have time away from his mother. he needs the school to stop, even if only for a little while.  he's dying in trying to get everything to work in the little time he has. there's just so much to do that he doesn't quite know what to do with it all. the list of things he has to do seems to be getting longer, even with he starting to work through it. nothing ever seems to go right because how all  the world if conspiring to make that much more homework and projects and tests.  <3 <3  

I'm just doing what comes naturally.

he's been so tired since he's  gotten back to school. it's not even the waking up early or the amount if homework, it's the getting up to be around people all fucking day. he's not good at the whole social thing in person.. or on the phone.. or on webcam. he's getting so worn out just looking for ways to get it done faster so he can go back to being anti-social. naps and food and Internet seem to be the only things that really matter to him at all.  no matter what he does there seems to be something that keeps him from completing a goal. either his energy level or what is being served or just life in general. he isn't even making sense anymore, he's so preoccupied with trying to stay alive and semi-sane.  his tears make their way down, the stories of their weary eyes are a little bit in hiding. nothing seems to make sense anymore at all. he cat even get his shit together to work on monologues and such. he can't even reach to where he wants to be in his dreams. every few seconds he finds himself dozing off, eyes closed, not remembering how that even happened. in the mean time he'll just slip it's a state where something actually interests him <3 <3 

the sun goes down.

if there's one thing he wants more than anything, it's peace, closely followed by love. the two together are the only reasons he will put up with the human race for long enough for life to happen. he has his bad days, where he needs to get away and even though he needs the physical contact he can't stand the people around him that he's trying to get it from. he has days where even the most dear of people are horrible in his mind. he has those days where the only way he can have any sort of conversation and not want to either slap them or pull off their head afterwards is if he were to be having the conversation online or through texts. the sounds of voices make him hate the entire race, the call of the savages. all he asks for is no more fighting. he just wants everyone to get along or move to somewhere that they can.  he's so tired of the bullshit. no matter how many times people come, they are full of bullshit. the one true fact he can always agree on. sometimes he wishes he could just run away to some far away land and never look back once he leaves. it would be beautiful. <3 <3 

every day I see my dream.

more than anything he wants people to look at him and see him as the personification of the word faggot. not in a bad way, well maybe a little, but just queer enough that he could pass as a definite male-bodied poof with extremely feminine tastes. he wants every muscle, bone structure, curve, and stubble growth as a cis-male. he wants the pronouns and the acknowledgement as what he is. he wants to be able to wear skirts and make-up and still have everyone in the room know that under the not-so-hiding disguise is a physical male. he wants to be that really bad image the trans* community is given of a not-passing drag queen that looks like she's playing dress-up, except with the will to claim a male identity with the feminine presentation. he knows that the world would never understand, that it's difficult for even people of the community to accept such an off-the-wall gender expression.  he's ready to sleep for months, ready to just let everything wash up over him. he's not ready to go back to a scheduled lifestyle where he has to learn about things someone else chooses for him on subjects he doesn't completely want to be there for. he sits through classes of just hearing about every boring detail, never getting to the parts he signed up for the course for. he's too tired to keep seeing any part of anything. farewell, spring break. <3 <3  

don't say maybe.

he's trying to just breathe and not go deeper into this attack of emotion for her, but every time he sees her face or her name comes up in conversation or he sees pictures of her with other people, he wants to cry. he wants to scream and ask why not him, why can't she be with him. he knows if anything were to happen between them he would have to learn to let her spend time with friends, but at least he'd know that she's his. he could live with that knowledge as long as he could hold her and tell her he loves her. any time he tries to bring it up she manages to change the topic or not respond or whatever. it's pathetic how much he depends his life on one girl like that, one girl who can make him hate her so much at times with their differences.  one night and not even half a smoke and he's running back to the days when lady nicotine was all he could dream of. he missed the smoke curling down his throat, the head rush every once in a while when he'd done a bit of chain-smoking, the way he could open up and talk to people without a fear. his confidence has grown a little since those days, making it easier to talk to people without having had a smoke beforehand. he still misses it, mainly menthols. he felt so classy inhaling the minty smoke while everyone around else was smoking golds and blues.  <3 <3 

if you want to.

he can't even do emotions. he winds up back to being on good, better than good terms with the girl who was so much in his life, the girl he wouldn't be who he is today without. he wants to go right back to where they'd left off but he can't even begin to imagine what going through that would be like in his new life. everything has changed and she's so much the same despite being older and more.... experienced.  he's hitting a crossroads between the girl he used to be and the man he's striving to become. it's just all so complicated being stuck between so many more major issues at once. everything is turning into something much more complicated and chaotic than he first imagined.  <3 <3 

knock me wholesome.

he's almost done spring break and he has almost nothing to show for it. he's almost finished a few scholarship applications, he's done a photo shoot, he's watched a bunch of doctor who. he hasn't started on any homework, he hasn't looked at his script, he hasn't given a fuck. he's all alone for two weeks and he can't stand the pictures up on Facebook of everyone else's adventures. he can't stand the parties and the shinanigans people get up to where he wasn't invited, where people have stopped talking to him since he moved. he just wants to run away and hide. <3 <3 

girl I wanna take you to a gay bar.

more than anything he just wants to see bits of the world that won't make him angry at humanity. he wants to forget the times that life was shit. he wants to forget all the rejection and emotional bits, the rollercoaster of a childhood, the amount of bullshit he's had to get through to get to this point. he wants people's expectations to disappear so that he can be free to creatively interpret how he can present and such. he will fuck with gender and all that shinanigans.  he's too tired to figure out his feelings on anything just now, although he can manage a not to remember them, therefore not needing to know the source <3 <3 . 

we're all dead inside.

he hates the environment he's in. he hates the fact he has to get shit done, hates that the heat is always cranked the fuck up so he can't breathe properly, hates that he has no one to keep him to a schedule or functioning properly or something of the sort. he's spending his days watching doctor who and eating cookies and chocolate from a bag. he no longer has any sort of social life. it's been a long road from never home to never out. he's slowly been becoming a hermit despite his better judgement. he misses the real life out there with real people and talking in actual voice instead of typing. he misses the laughter and booze and smoke in the air of the nights he'll treasure as his social high. even when it was just two or three other people, he misses just being out with people and spending time with them.  <3 <3 

end of the world.

he knows he has to give her up, but he can't seem to stop feelings. he's been fighting them for over a year but that doesn't change anything, if anything it makes his emotions want her more. he's just so tired of feeling so incomplete. he's so tired of not being able to feel positive emotions anymore. he wishes there was someone he saw frequently who understood just how important it is for him to have regular physical contact. such a simple thing that goes so unnoticed in his group of friends. mostly he just needs stability, someone who he can rely on to be a consistent source of affection. most of the time he can't even rely on having people in general around to keep him from going into a lonely, self-hatred-fueled state. he honestly doesn't care if they love him, just as long as they are there as a friend, as a second family, as a lover, it doesn't matter which anymore, he just wants someone to be there. for the first time in months he's on the edge. he can't understand how anything could go on, how anything could happen to get any better. the lies have gotten to him. he can't even manage to believe in anything but the emptiness anymore. hugs from stuffed animals and chocolate can only attempt to warm his froze core, defrost the horror of his emotions.  <3 <3 

I'll be there and you'll be near.

he doesn't have a clue how he's going to finish the year without dying. he has a week left before he goes back to school and then 3 months of getting his shit together. he's ready for it to be over now, not that that's what will ever happen. he his wants to spend the rest of his life watching shows online and not getting anything productive done. on the other hand he can't seem to function properly without the regular contact with humans. humans his age. humans he may or may not actually love. jeebus, he just can't stop thinking about her and trying to come up with reasons to start conversations out of nowhere. he just wants to be curled up with her in his arms and stay like that for forever. she doesn't seem to know he exists. well, she knows he exists but she doesn't seem to notice that his feelings for her do.  the whole world is a lot of area to cover. he can't begin to imagine just how big the world would be, only how out of all that space she is the one he wants to spend all his time with. even if it means traveling across the world with her, him not being fond of travel and all. it's scaring him just how much he's falling for her out of what seems like nowhere but in reality is a long time coming.  <3 <3 

how bad could it be?

st.patty's day and he spent it by himself for the most part. enough doctor who to keep him satisfied for quite a while, although he could always use more. he enjoys the escape from reality that shows give him, the characters he can get lost in. it helps him to de-stress with such a difficult year with school to deal with. he's letting it take over his life, the need to let go of all the worries. he's had more than his share in the past, he doesn't feel the need to have to many anymore. he's done at this point, so tired of everything that high school is. he's tired of the drama, the bitches, the cliques, the pressure of grades, the demanding extracurricular activities. he just wants to be done with it all at this point. he's done more than his fair share with how early he went to preschool and being a grade ahead in Japanese school. his whole life has pretty much been in schools and he's ready to move on, although this is just moving on to a new way of school. a bigger-scale, more personalized schedule with less personal professors.  he's had some time to think the last few days. he doesn't exactly know how to label it, but he understands his feelings about people a lot more. he has two categories of how he likes people: those who he finds aesthetically appealing but could never develop any sort of anything sexual with and those who he cannot feel attraction for before having a deep emotional connection. the first category consists of celebrities or people he sees on the streets or friends of friends he'd never talk to. the latter would be everyday people, people he would be able to talk to so that he can connect to them and then build an attraction. he has never been able to build that attraction with cis-guys because he can't emotionally connect with them. they see him as female and make everything this whole straight shinanigans. he's always been able to easily connect to cis-women and build the attraction faster than almost any other group. everyone under the trans* umbrella he can relate to and it makes it possible to connect and such. although he has a weakness for FTMs and some non-binary, female-bodied queers. with them it's almost like he turns to jelly the second they open their mouths. he almost doesn't need to build the attraction because he can understand their story so well. lately he's been able to connect to gay and some bi cis-males, throwing him off from what he's used to. <3 <3 

let it grow.

emotions don't even know how to stay away from him. he tries and tries, but then there are beautiful movies like the Lorax and it all goes to shit. he can't even function anymore. fuck. useless. the once-ler and the lorax are honestly the most adorable little cartoon couple to ever exist in everness. he couldn't care less that he may be one of only a handful who ship the pair, but that's okay because it sets him apart from everyone else. also. it doesn't help that the once-ler is the first male cartoon character he's been slightly attracted to. it may be the clothes. the green fucking tailcoat may have had him drooling at least a little bit.  having large popcorn, large drink, and large candy is not a good thing when whoever you're sitting with doesn't eat/ drink much of it. 1/2 a giant popcorn bag, 3/4 of a huge-ass root beer, and a handful of kitkat bites might have been the end of him if it weren't for the walk from 5 road to 4 road in search of a way home from one bus to home when the other bus is coming in AN HOUR because he has the worst luck in the world with buses. he rather enjoyed the time spent walking and being high on food and sugar. best sentences ever to come out of his mouth.  he really needs to have time to sit down and get through doctor who and catch up on list girl again so that he can start on firefly, misfits, community, warehouse 13, girl/girl scene, and a couple other shows, as well as watching the one's he missed of two broke girls. oh gods, his entire summer will be watching shows on his laptop. he doesn't know how he feels about this as he never was one for watching much tv before. the things he does to feel like he's somewhat normal for even the crazy group of people.  <3 <3 

left a scar size extra large.

of all the things in the world he knows that there are only a select few that would ever make him any bit happier. the easiest of those being tea and incense, along with British television. those seem to calm him even in a huge frenzy of emotions and self-hatred and anxiety. there is so much he needs to get done before going back to school, yet he doesn't have the motivation to even get started on any of it. he hasn't bothered to touch his homework, essay, or project. he's started on scholarships, although he hasn't gotten around to doing much else. he hasn't even finished a single one of them.  he was hoping to be more productive than he has been, although with so much on his mind he doesn't even know when to start, as well as it being spring break so that he doesn't have time away from his mother to just focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without being interrupted and not having to sneak out or stay up till the crack of dawn without her finding out in order to get anything done. it's quite sad that he's quite often just snuck out at night to do homework in his past. granted, he'd do most of that homework after a few hits off a blunt, but it was to get the homework done that he'd sneak out. that was how he made it through highschool so far. last tear his grades suffered so much because he'd moved so that he couldn't sneak out anymore, that making it that much more difficult to get homework done, thus fucking up on everything. he wishes he could just have some time alone to get everything he needs done without all the deadlines and chaos of daily life. <3 <3 

I couldn't do nothing right.

there's all these emotions that he doesn't know how to stop. they weren't necessarily wanted in the first place and they aren't doing anything to better his life in the least. he wishes he could close his eyes and wake up with things making more sense, when friends aren't becoming objects of affection. he would give so much of the little that he has just to be happy with the way things are, just to not want anything more. he would give it all to be able to love himself the way he finds himself loving others, to be able to look in a mirror and not want to run away screaming, to not feel ashamed of himself for most of his life.  he's climbing a slippery slope, trying to find his way in a world where he doesn't seem to fit in the mainstream, where education can only get him so far. he's trying to make the best out of it all when he doesn't even agree with how the human race works. he's just praying to gods he doesn't believe in that in his next life he'll be part of some other, more peaceful species.  he can't seem to put in the energy into making anything of this wasted life. none of it makes any sense, so he waits around for some sort of direction, some one who can vocalize his feelings of discontent with humanity, someone who can tell him how to get back to nature now that he's tasted all these new technological advances. he's scared out of his mind to take a chance then realize he's made the wrong decision.  <3 <3 

oh what a thing to do.

he's ready to get his new passport now, all the forms sent in and just waiting to be processed. somehow he's hoping against all logic that it'll somehow get there before spring break is over so he can make a spring break trip down to the states. it is highly unlikely though. a boi can hope as much as he likes, doesn't mean anything will happen. it's getting to the point where he doesn't know how to control himself around her anymore. he can't say anything but he'll just latch on and not let go and it takes every bit of his will not to kiss her. he's rather pathetic and she gets that much, but she can't seem to wrap her mind around the extent of his patheticness when it comes to being around her. he isn't quite sure if that's serving he's thankful for or not. at least she doesn't see him as making a complete ass out of himself, but it would be a lot easier on him if she could understand how much he is not joking. he's tired of trying to find a way to ask her out that she'll understand as more than friends hanging out. he's just never felt things for anyone so completely different from him in almost every way, who has such different views  on almost every subject. <3 <3 

she says good morning.

he had to wake before the sun yet again. daylight savings isn't working with him this time of year.. he hates being so tired in the morning and finding his car broken into doesn't help matters. starting another shitty Sunday with having his passport and NEXUS card stolen is not the way he wants to spend his spring break. he can't do anything, can't go get gas in the point, can't even go to Ashland for the school trip if it isn't sorted out in time. his car wasn't the only one, 2 others reported break-ins in the same style. at least he gets another shot at passport pictures. all his picture ID will have his short hair, no real evidence of his past. at least try caught him, only they didn't find the things he was missing, just other's belongings. funny how that works out. he's just scared of identity theft for now. he just turned 18 and he already has to worry about that.  another sexually frustrated Sunday night where tumblr is filled with porn. he can't seem to figure out why, but every week it's the same. although his friend of sorts was threatening suicide, something he know all too well. sending love her way was a good moment of the night. honestly the only major good thing if the day was the doctor who marathon he had when he woke up from his nap. there are some things that are just worth it.  <3 <3   

the other one's giving a peace sign.

he's off for spring break and all he wants to do is sleep, he can't handle more of life without a bunch of rest. he doesn't even know how he made it far enough to be in bed, even if it is fully dressed and with his backpack from the last hellish day in two weeks laying about where his feet should go. nothing bothers him at this point if it means getting to sleep. <3 <3 

at the end of the rainbow.

he remembers grade 8 French class. they all had to pick "French names". all he wanted was to be Guy, but he wasn't allowed because that was a "boy name" and he was a "girl". that's the first time he decided he didn't want to be a girl, at least not full-time. from that day he called himself a weregender, girl by day and boy by night. his little 13-year-old self had no clue what that meant. from grade 8-10 he continued this, nearly convincing kids that his genitalia grew outwards as the sun went down, shooting back inside at daybreak. he was happy like that. when he would play gendered games after nightfall he would switch teams to play with the boys because he could get away with it, somehow that made all the games more fun. it all came to a grinding halt at the end of grade 10. at that point he was starting to identify as a lesbian. he fell for a lesbian who would just completely stop flirting with him if he mentioned his male side. so he hid it all away, saying that only happened in places they spoke French (France and Quebec). eventually he just stopped mentioning it at all. when that relationship came to an end the ex started to question their gender. still he didn't try to rekindle the good feelings of being weregendered. grade 11 came along and he was thrown into a new city, new school. he was the only queer kid he knew of, until the girl. still, in such a small community he started to suffer by himself, blogging away his only mentions of questioning gender. writing being his first language, he did most of his thinking that way. over the months he'd forgotten about his little name for his gender the first time he decided not to stick to society's  label. now he's remembering, realizing how true he was years before he could really see it.  <3 <3 

time will not erase.

he was moved to tears by the movement, by the video. then he went about caring so much. until hours after he had not sat and processed the video. he likes the ideas, he understands the horrid living conditions, but after this it might not end. even bringing peace and stuff to them would mean coming closer to completely exhausting the Earth's resources. he's afraid to tell his peers who put so much into this one activity that as much as he will help them in supporting the cause, he has other causes that he will be pouring his energy into first. he's scared that if the world gets the type of peace he's striving for, there will be bigger problems for the world that there are currently. are human rights worth the death of us all? he can't decide on his own.  he's come so far from just wanting to be close to her. he's gotten to a point where an arm around her waist, fingers interlocking is not a case to bat eyelashes at. it's normal, it's comfortable. he wishes there were things other than that that were easy to initiate without putting himself too far out, things that could communicate feelings. things that could help him tell feelings. he's so tired of being the one that can't get it together. he's so tired of looking for a way to be together that they may never play.. he's too tired for this shit. that's all he knows at this point.  <3 <3 

gave away the ending.

his level of energy for life, work, play, almost anything is decreasing. he can't seem to find the motivation to do anything other than eat, sleep, interwebs, and talk to/ think about her. it's getting out of hand. all he wanted was to get through the year but he got do much, too much, now he's too tired to care. sleep will always win no matter what.  <3 <3 

somebody that I used to know.

he's not ready to do anything productive for the next few weeks. he's unprepared for anything outside of being lazy and interwebs and british telly. he's supposed to get some shit done, a project that he has no idea how to go about completing, some worksheets he doesn't have the patience to finish, as much as he'd like to stay home all day he knows that the has places to be and things that are slightly more entertaining than shitty school work except that school work is the only part with a due date.  each moment he's waiting for her to return to a space where he can tell her of all the things his heart, his mind, and his body want to do to her. on all counts they are numerous, each and every single one of them he's sure that she'd rather enjoy. not that he thinks that just because it's him she'd be putty in his hands, quite the opposite. it's just the fact that he's still living in a dream world where everything is much better than how the world is right now. he could love and be loved and have that open connection. it would be beautiful.  <3 <3 

I've never felt like this before.

he is more than a jumble of letters making up a name, more than the sound it makes. he is more than the labels others stick on him consciously or not. he is more than the words he says, who he fantasizes about, the actions he does, or the friends he makes. he is a soul with many sides, a lover of the world, an adventurer. he is things that there are not words for, things that no one knows yet.  his day was just another day. he went to go drop off a pair of beets that no one wanted into a donation box only to be stopped by a homeless lady with her cart. he's met this lady, she had been a beautiful model in her day. then the drugs took over and took everything she had, her looks, her mind, her money. he'd given her a smoke a few summers ago. there's no way she would remember him from then. anyways, she stops him, asking what's in the bag and he shows her and she asks if she can keep them. somehow, knowing that her feet will stay warm tonight because of him makes him smile a little wider tonight. <3 <3 

a dirty town gets me down.

he can't seem to do anything properly. he spends time trying to figure out how to ask girls out and they don't really get the fact that you mean as more than friends by the time he's done. he tries to be a gentleman and just gets his heart trampled. there isn't much he's been able to do without so much as a hint.  he's been a little more than burnt out all day. everywhere he turns is another reminder of just how tired he is of the same happenings, of the world beating Jim down until he can only sleep. nothing else seems to work anymore.  he could write a novel about all the things he wants to get done over this weekend that he knows will most likely never happen. just because he knows how lazy he gets and how much homework he has to get done. he's already changing the format of his project to the easier one so that he can get it done without just falling asleep all over it.  he wants to just let loose and put his hair up, chop it off so that the world could see his tattoo, all pretty and healed. it's tempting to make the whole world see how much he's putting into life. fuck, he can't ever figure out if he's awake or not right then and there. <3 <3 

we can be complete again.

he's ready to just let go and let himself float along to the end of the school year. the amount of effort he's put in just to have to keep going on with the very same path of tired. it seems a little pointless right before a break when it seems like he never had that break. he doesn't mind, except it keeps him stressed. the good part of school is giving him chances to be in contact with her. my that that's his only cause of wanting to be in school, just the main reason he can think of right now. he's able to keep going because of the people suffering alongside him. he wants to hold her just to know that they're both okay with the amount of shit going on in grade 12. the strike is going to take place, giving him a bit of extra time that he needs to work on his bio project. in a way he's grateful for that, but it sucks that when he needs to be getting marks and focusing, all this shit is happening. it still doesn't look real.  <3 <3 

get to purest hell.

in all the chaos, he's not been able to really do much to calm his heart. the shameless flirting with everything that moves hasn't been working so well as a cover. he wishes things were easy, that his heart and his head could work together to make the butterflies make sense. he's practically begging himself to stop feeling emotions that have him more confused than ever. nothing seems to work, only waiting around for some sort of reciprocation.  the school system is making things all the more confusing with the rumors of all sorts of things happening within the BCTF that had never been discussed at all. everyone's trying to find the answers that haven't been given in the past. now the truth is starting to come out, leading to implications of hardships ahead.  his entire being is beginning to fall to sleep, being tired out long ago. all his energy has gone into the rest of life so that he is left to try to come up with a better solution. he's so tried, dragging himself to an upright position with all the effort he can put in. <3 <3 

make them cry.

he wants to get out there and make a change. he just doesn't know how he can with the short leash he is kept on. for most of his life he's been taught that he's too young to do much, that he can't make much of a difference as one person towards anything. he just wants to get into 'real life' so that he has the freedom to take a stand against things and to possibly get shit done. when he gets out of his mother's grasp he can finally be free to be the person that he's been to afraid to let anyone else see. the masks he's been putting up will start to come down, leaving him to be just the person inside. he's terrified and overjoyed all at once. maybe he can finally come out to everyone once he has the space to grow into accepting just how he is without trying to be anything else.  another day goes by without him saying anything much about it, even though it's slowly tearing away at his soul. he's gently reminded them a few times, but nothing drastic enough that they've understood exactly why he needs to be addressed by the right pronouns, nothing enough to help them understand gender the way he hoped they would. he knew that he couldn't turn them into gender geeks like he is, but at least if he could get them started on the right path so that they knew the basics... in a way he's hoping for a strike next week so that he gets the extra time to work on projects and delay tests, on the other hand he doesn't know if they'd make it if there were to be a strike and his mother were to be on $10 a day strike pay. it's a difficult place to be in. he can't wait for it to all be over. <3 <3 

suckered you but not your friends.

another shitty Monday and he can't seem to get his head to do the work that his conscience tells him he'd better get started on. he's getting so close to a place in his life when he feels comfortable with everything and then he has to go and leave the confines of his room and meet the outside world. that world scares him because it means that there are other people who don't seem him as the boy he is inside, but rather the awkward female trying to shed layer after layer of skin and recreate the body his mind tricks him into believing could be his. he's been in the school system long enough that if the government wants to fuck over the teachers and the kids, they won't bother to give a fuck. the government will never consider the students to be important enough to spend the much-needed money to create a system that actually works. he's had it with how badly the government has dealt with educating the children, he's appalled that no better plans have been put into effect or even brought into discussion.  <3 <3 

the painful scream that I heard last.

he's never been one for awards shows or glitzy things. fuck, the only reason he liked going to hollywood was because of Venice Beach. well... and taking a picture with the Beatles' star on the walk of fame, and LA was just nasty. the people and the litter and skrjdjdjd. quite frankly he's stated well away from any awards, most celebrity gossip, and other shinanigans. then he started to become this person he hates that can't go 10 minutes without checking in online or going on tumblr. it's very sad and he hates it, but then everyone was liveblogging and he ended up watching it all and fanqueering over the handful of celebrities that he does know the names of and enjoy. he's becoming this person he doesn't recognize and he knows that most of it is to find common ground to talk to her about. if only the whole opposites attract thing didn't apply to his situation, things would be a fuckload of a lot easier.  he managed to not do any homework, read, or start any projects this weekend. somehow he is completely okay with this. he doesn't even know how to express the amount of fucks he doesn't give anymore. at the beginning of a new term he can't help but to be ready to take a nap at every spare moment, he's too fucking tired from putting in effort for the end of term two.  <3 <3 

lookin' at me, yeah me.

he never thought he'd enjoy himself so much on a night out with the crew he's been so judgmental of. he'd spent so much time trying to distance himself because of the amount of stupidity going on with them that he had forgotten how much fun it could be to just kick back with the guys like that. despite yet another night of being misgendered, he couldn't have asked for more. he knows if anyone's going to take him seriously about the pronouns then he's going to have to be a little more forceful until they can get it right on their own. it terrifies him that he has to actually stand against them on something as simple as pronouns to get them to understand how he feels about them. it sucks and he's scared to say anything, but he knows he has to. the weekend is coming to a close for him, back to work and then to school the day after. he misses the carefree days of summer before he had to worry about school or work or anything like that. he misses sleeping in almost every day and doing things however he pleases. he can't wait to be done with school and get out on his own or with roommates or whatever so that he can have the freedom of organizing his own schedule to allow for less shitty hours.  he can almost say that he loves her, yet she turns the other way. he's yearning after what he cannot have, hopelessly falling into the trail she leaves behind. some days she turns to him and there's a moment where he wonders how he could have ever doubted any affection, then the next it's as if it were all a dream. it screws around with his mind until he can't focus on anything else, yet he knows he needs to be okay with it if anything is to become of it. he can't change her, he can be okay with that, he just needs to know that she'll keep coming back to him on the days she is doing better.  <3 <3