I hope you know.

there's only so much that he can feel at once, yet emotions try to sneak up on him from all fucking angles. honestly, emotions can just fuck off now. any time soon. but they're here, he's pretty sure shit's not gunna change easily. he never knew that he could feel so much all at the same time, it's freaking him out a little bit. he doesn't know which part of what his gut says he should go with anymore. there's so many different directions his life could go in from here... well a few anyways (especially since for almost fucking everything he needs a C or C+ in math.) fucking summer school only gave him a C-. besides school/ career wise he has options in all sorts of things though. the main thing that confuses him these days is girls. he has no clue how to read them, half the time he doesn't even know where he stands with them or if they're slightly interested even if they're being painfully obvious. the only way he understands is if they actually say it or if they kiss him. he's kind of the most oblivious person in the world when it comes to understanding girls, but whatever.  he started reading a blog he followed a long time ago but never gets a chance to actually read. it's kind of the best thing ever. not only is the blogger a 20-year-old trans*man prostitute, but he blogs in detail about his encounters. it's almost like porn. gay, trans*y porn. except a little classier than that. it's completely beautiful and he could spend the rest of his life reading and not feel the least bit like he was wasting any time. the only problem is the fact that it makes him want to present male and be a manly top. he isn't quite sure what about trans*men and women he finds so beautiful, but he doesn't know how to even compare that beauty to cispeople. he almost wants to just try being full out trans* just so he can feel beautiful like that for once. although he knows that it would kill him to misrepresent his gender like that, the male pronouns would make his entire existence more bearable for a while. it's all so complicated.  he really doesn't even know what to say when people ask what he means by queer anymore. yes, he would have sex with any gender or sex. no, he doesn't not have any physical attraction to the majority of cis-males. yes, he loves girls and trans*girls and trans*men to pieces. no, he cannot manage to develop any type of non-plutonic emotional relationship with men. polysexual? gynosexual? is there even a word for it? the not knowing is driving him crazy.  and then there's the confusion that is gender. agendered apparently isn't hard enough, so why not add in the love for crossdressing and cross-crossdressing. he can be a drag queen or a drag king. he enjoys the idea of male, but he knows that he couldn't feel okay identifying as binary. so he just says asexual. it's easier that way. <3 <3   

I know that you saw me.

it's taken literally a day to make his iPod his home and to make it organized the way he wants with all the gay. plus a bit of his music on there. not even near how much he needs to get on to call it his iPod, but enough to make it listenable. he needs to figure out downloading music free so that he can get the music he's been wanting for forever to have at his fingertips. Christmas break might be dedicated to completing his music collection. just maybe. most likely. if he's lucky he'll get a little room cleaning done. he's going to need to clean a bunch of crap out of his room if he's going to be moving again any time in the next year. so much crap he hasn't even looked at in eons. he's pretty okay with the face that almost half of his iPod is filled with Beatles (and there's over 500 songs on it so far.) life is pretty good right now. he might just be okay because he's having a giant dose of what society calls happiness. it's sad that so much is rested in material possessions in this day and age, but there's no point trying to argue it. just admire the people who manage to stay away from it all and live their lives in a more pure way. he wishes he could be more like them, but he's fallen victim to everything bad in the world, he's become just another person following the crowd in this world. one day he will break free, one day all of this will be something to laugh at. until then he will slowly spiral downwards to becoming closer and closer to crossing the "hipster" line. he shudders at the thought of becoming almost what could be called a hipster, he's never been the type to overly label things.  the hardest part is trying to not mass-message girls, bombarding them with little notes saying why they're special, trying to fix broken memories of shit that happened so long ago that it seems irrelevant that they're still mad at him, trying to win them over. he knows when he says girls he means a small group that he's constantly thinking about, but in order to not seem over-eager he tells himself it's girls in general. he hasn't figured out how to actually lie to himself and believe it.  for the first time he said it out loud to other people. agendered. then the question start pouring in, apparently because people don't get the concept of there being anything but 'boys' and 'girls'. it kind of kills him to hear questions like, so are you a girl or a boy? after he just finished saying that he does not feel ANY binary gender, or any gender at all. he is that grey area in gender that is not male or female. no one seems to understand what that actually means though, so shit will be a lot harder than he ever thought. teaching the unwilling is about as productive as killing the dead. <3 <3  

I'm sorry I'm coming home.

he missed having work to make his life seem a little more complete. his first shift in a month or so and he loves every moment of it. every time that he gets away from his mother in the outside world it's beautiful. he missed the independence of going to work and being able to do things without thinking about what consequences his mother would have for him not following every single unspoken rule she has. being able to go out and breathe and earn some money and such is a fucking great feeling. makes him want to go out and do things that she won't really know about when she's not looking so he can live a real life. he's still needing a jacket for winter formal and it's less than a week away. fuck, he needs to get makeup and stuff too. if he can get shit together so that he can make it out to the mall before dress rehearsal and pick up a few things that would make his entire existence so much easier.  new technology. it makes him all happy and giddy. really, it's a horrible thing. he'd become addicted to everything that is technology and the new era of life. he's been drawn farther and farther from what he can call a life he can respect. no matter how much he tries to stay that same person he's been working towards becoming, the world likes to fuck over his attempts so that he ends up being someone that is the complete opposite of anything he'll ever want to be. EVER. so he burns more incense and prays to cat that something will change, something will give him the courage to repent from the bullshit of  the society and take a different view on everything no matter how hard it is. then there's school, the place where those bullshit ideas are being hammered into his head like there is no other existence of ideas besides that. it actually really saddens him. on the other hand, he loves being able to do thugs with the simple touch of a fingertip to a screen. he loves how easy contact has become, how he never has to really talk to people when it makes him anxious. he thanks humanity for such inventions, even though they go against so many things he stands for. the conflictions in his head just confuse him to pieces.. <3 <3 

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow.

of all the places in the world, he knows that the only country he can live with being anywhere in it would be India. the people there are peaceful and caring and everything they do is fueled by their love for people. he can live in this way. he could spend the rest of his days looking out over the people, letting the beautiful parts of humanity wash up over him. he wants to give himself over completely to this love for everything. for now he feels to limited by the corrupt society of an uncaring first world country. the only way he feels he can reach a spiritual awakening composed completely of truth and love is to get away from the industry and the bright lights and capitalist culture. to reach peace he needs to get away and work on something meaningful, although he doesn't know what that is yet. it could be art or music or a story or poetry or creating something completely new in every way. he needs to find his way to express love for everything.

he's trapped in this society, being drawn in by the greed and the hate. he's learning to survive only because of technology and to judge those around him based on everything they are instead of accepting them for those same reasons. while there are places in the world where he could love everyone equally. this society tells him he can only hold that love for one person at a time. already that is faltering, he's loving so many at once, but he has yet to be in love with more than one... ever. so the state of his heart is in tatters while the state of his mind is in confusion. he'll keep on wishing after lost shots of being in love, lusting after possibilities of what could have been given the time. what is coming towards him has emotions just as delicate as every time he's been hurt by another love. he wears those scars as battle wounds, his flesh burns with the physical word 'love' itself, burning right below the surface.

<3 <3

living is easy with eyes closed.

he's slipping. naps are taking over his friendly evenings all the time after school. with winter formal next friday he has no clue how he'll manage to stay awake that long. having another shift at work will make sure he'll have his employee discount again, but even coffee can only do so much. he's hoping the dancing with everyone will do the trick. he doesn't know who's all even going to the afterparty, so he might only have to stay up till shortly after 10pm.

seriously, he has been taken over by naps, though. he didn't even mean to, but he slept from 4.30- around 10pm only waking up for dinner in that time. he's still hungry being up again. he might try going to sleep before midnight more regularly, not that he knows if that will help at all. it could just be all the school that's killing him, having five academic classes at a grade 12 level and all. at least he only has homework in four of these subjects, and two of these subjects it's stuff for preparing for assignments in class, although there is a project in that fifth subject. another weekend where he has something from every subject to at least work on a little. so much for long weekend.

apparently his ipod is here, just has to pick it up from his great aunt so that he can start using it. he hates himself for how much he'll be relying on that one piece of technology again, although he knows it will make his entire existence so much more simple and organized. the past month without having an ipod for internet access has been slightly torturous in the way that there have been so many steps just to get anything done on the internet. all that will be over soon once he gets his ipod hooked up and working.

<3 <3

come over, come over.

his mind is confused, it's telling him so many things he doesn't know how to deal with. he doesn't want to feel like that for people who he needs around. he needs to stop finding gay men extremely attractive, it's killing him. he wishes he could have the looks they do.

at this point he doesn't know what to call his sexuality anymore, it's pretty fluid and depending on his mood, although he likes girls all the time. he's beating himself mentally to stop from jumping every girl he feels the least bit comfortable around to show them they're beautiful. he thinks it's more wanting to feel something other than the same old empty things he feels every day spent alone, untouched, unloved. even mustering up the energy to keep doing what he's doing seems to be too much to get anywhere with. life doesn't seem to be much in his favour at all these days. it's all breaking him down at every spare moment.

he gets obsessive. every little challenge people throw at him he has to try again and again until he gets it right. there are two games friends have challenged him to get anywhere close to finishing on. he could spend all winter break trying to beat their highest levels and such. could be fucking interesting. he needs something to go completely obsessive over so that things won't seem so bad in the real world.

the world seems like a totally different place than it was even a year ago, his life has changed so much. in some ways he wishes he could go back to them, in others he doesn't even want to remember how much of a dumbass he really was not that long ago.

<3 <3

nothing changes.

his thoughts always lead back to girls. he can't seem to forget things, having them the way they are right now, the way they've been for almost a year. he's crumbling away trying to spread himself over so that no one else sees. the layer's getting thinner and thinner, crumbling away, falling, and he doesn't know how much longer he can hold it together. he doesn't remember the last time he cried over something in his own life hurting. he feels numb. nothing can escape the numb feeling. he thinks she broke him. having someone start to pick up the pieces just to throw them all down again doesn't help.

he needs to just get away from the daily life and go crazy, have a bro day, get completely caught up in the world so that his mind can try to keep away from girls. anything to keep him busy enough to have his mind on something, anything else. he's waiting for the chance, but winter formal sees to be the only shot. although he doesn't trust most of the grads at him school. other than the people he talks to regularly, he doesn't care much for his grad class at all. it's almost funny, except they're all sluts and bitches who think they're better then they really are. makes him in even more of a hurry to get the fuck out of there as soon as he fucking can.

he really wants to write a message to everyone who made an impact in his highschool life because SDSS people won't see his grad write-up, and there isn't even close to enough room for that using all the grads' space. he could go on for forever with them all, but he will try to keep it to a paragraph or two each person. might need to get started now if he's going to get it all done by grad.

<3 <3

she rings my bell.

he's fighting so hard to go reeling back up to feelings so long ago. all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and start sobbing. instead he makes an idiot out of himself, with the jokes and the innuendos. it's the only way he knows, make them laugh, no matter what the expense, so that the tears behind his eyes don't fall.

as the year progresses he begins to feel more and more alone. he's losing connections with everyone who isn't in his classes or groups, even people in his school he only sees once a week. that hurts more than anything else. it's like he's pushing away those who mean the most to him, pushing away those he needs the most. he wants to reach out, grab them, and hold them close for a long, long time. he doesn't want them to ever leave his life but they're slipping through his fingertips.

so many times he's tried to convince himself that things will turn out, he's done trying to believe. he realizes he'll always be stuck between these two worlds so that he never quite fits anywhere and no one really cares about him at all. that feeling he's kept feeling since grade 4 and his first school move. every day away this time it gets harder, unlike every other time where every day made things a little easier. he just wants to be back to a place where he actually belongs. he doesn't even know what's going on anymore in life because he can't keep enough of a hold on reality to see what the world is doing, he's reached a sub-human state where life is not even thought of.

everything around him tires him out these days. the only escape from the exhaustion he feels is the many naps he has become accustomed to taking over the last couple weeks. the full shine of gr.12 is beginning and he's drowning a little bit. one day at a time he tells himself so that he has the chance of making it through.

<3 <3

falling, yes I am falling.

his first competitive-structured improv performance and he manages to realize he rather enjoys the whole thing after all. being on stage brings a new energy to the whole thing. he feels he can start to come out of his shell a little more, start to trust a little that the guys won't fuck everything over. he's been so worried about doing anything drama-related for the last year that he hadn't gotten a chance to at least try to fix things in the drama department. given the chance, the guys aren't complete assholes all the time. maybe at some point there won't be that awkward tension between them at all.

he's almost there, less than 24 hours until grad photos and he doesn't quite know if he can be okay with it all. he wants to scream out, wants someone to really listen, wants someone  to care at all. fuck if that'll happen though, he's stuck in a world where transphobia is the norm and no one bothers to try and rectify it. sometimes it gets so hard to remember that they aren't doing it on purpose, they're just uneducated.

the part of his stomach tells him that he needs to speak up, to make things happen. his common sense (what's left of it) tells him to just get the fuck out of highschool and get on with his life. maybe being just another fruity highschool queer isn't enough, maybe he needs to make sure people see him the same way he sees himself in the mental photographs he takes. it could be the way they dissmiss him as "girl" that kills him. drama is supposed to be a place where you explore characters, yet they never let him explore the male characters that he can relate to a little more than any female ones.

<3 <3

you do it to yourself.

he wonders what goes through the minds of the followers, the lovers of christ. he wants to understand how they can aim to live by a book written so long ago. they trust so completely and he just wants to know how they can feel so moved to do so. he's trying to sort out his spirituality, where it will take him, but in his attempts to understand religion, most have told him that homosexuality is a thing that will slowly keep distancing him from being accepted amongst the religious followers. the muslim and jewish he has not explored in great detail, but they seem to be against homosexuality. buddhism in extremes seems to be against romantic love of any kinds, but he can appreciate the love of the animal and living a vegetarian lifestyle. christians and catholics he finds the most troubling, although their god doesn't seems to have a big issue with homosexuality, the followers for the most part have over read the word and spread hate based on old testament bits that have become irrelevant through time. that's why he doesn't want to bind himself to a religion , he doesn't want to over read religion and end up going against it accidentally.

transgender day of rememberance. there are so few that are completely supportive. he dreams of a day where no one cares what sex or gender people are, just accept people as they are. he feels like on such a day he is even more oppressed for showing his pride. there is so little mainstream knowledge about the trans* community that cis-gendered, heterosexuals don't even know what is going on, and almost no one understands that he is under the trans* umbrella. they just want to do their part in being all fucking liberal, but they don't even know how to be understanding, let alone supportive. so he tries to figure out just what exactly will make them learn to that maybe a future without transphobia is somewhere within reach. the victims are growing and it's not acceptable.

maybe he's just fighting between his love and hate for humanity. humans can be horrible, selfish, cold-hearted creatures, but they are built so diverse and beautifully that he can't help but to love them. he's so conflicted that he doesn't know what to do.

<3 <3

and everything you know and love's getting sold up.

weekends used to be enjoyable things, now he doesn't know what he feels anymore. now every weekend is only homework and maybe "family time" and some sleep. there's nothing exciting to keep him motivated to live till the weekend. he needs to find some reason to do something fun on the weekends, something that makes him feel good emotions.

he wants a pet. something he can hold and maybe cuddle with so that he can feel there is something out there that loves him even if it's only because he feeds it. his life has become rather pathetic these days.

there are less than two weeks until the first grad event, an event where he will be forced into wearing a dress. he already feels like he's having his masculinity (whatever small doses actually exist) ripped from him and torn into tiny shreds. he's struggling to not lash out at the world for putting him in such a shitty situation. he's begging whatever entities are out there for the strength to make it through. he refuses to become just another statistic in the world. once all this bullshit is over he'll be okay.

he realizes the thing that suppresses him the most is his mother. he's almost afraid to let his masculine bits slip because he would have to prepare for more transphobic fuckery from her. he cries a little each night when he can bring down the mask forced upon him with her. she thrusts "she"s and "daughter"s and such his way like she's never heard a thing he's said. she doesn't even think she's done anything wrong by asking him when he stopped liking being a girl or when he started wanting to be anything but female. she doesn't see how much it's killing him, how close he is to just leaving it all and taking to a world where everything is numb and there is no way back to life. he keeps hoping the day will come where he can be free.

<3 <3

don't dream it, be it.

he's so tired, so very, very tired. he couldn't help himself. he knows he should have been doing homework, but he can't even read without starting to doze off. power-ish naps help, except when they go from 6 to 11 so that there's nothing left of the day and he still is too fucking tired o move. everything is cozy and groggy and he just wants to go back to things making sense.

finally the weekend and he can't even remember what it means to have a carefree, fun-filled weekend. he can't remember what it's like to be allowed to actually go out and just party with other people and party with other people, have a fucking LIFE! the homework load seems somewhat manageable so he doesn't bother to figure out a schedule to get it all done. he secretly hopes he doesn't have to really do any of it, that it's all one big joke.

at least keeping busy keeps his mind off her most of the time, but it won't stop him from feeling so alone. it keeps getting colder and couples are getting more cuddly to keep warm. every time he sees them together he asks for one split-second  -why couldn't that be me, just once- only to feel even more alone. he tries to fight it off, not to care, but it seems impossible so much of the time he wonders why he even bothers anymore.

the only place he feels safe anymore is in his dreams, when he's asleep, alone. that way no one can try to tell him how much of a horrible person he really is. he's afraid of the very same people that he's desperate to make some sort of contact with. he doesn't see how so much could change in a yeasr. he needs to fix things, but he doesn't even know how to start.

<3 <3

you'd better hide all the girls.

he feels completely worthless. he always felt if there was one thing that could make him feel like he had some sort of purpose or thing to live for it would be writing. then essays have to go and need all these fucking examples to be good enough for AP english and it kills him. he knows that's the hardest part for him. he can attack anything or describe a love for thing, but the second he's asked to back up his shit with evidence and stats and stuff he's fucked. there are reasons he can't debate worth shit and he ends up getting people feeling sorry for him to be forgiven for shizz. he hopes his attempts will be good enough to make it out alive.

he's starting to understand the music, see how the fitting in loops and mixing them works. it's like everything clicked and he notices the little tweaks that are to be made, notices the balances, notices how he should be piling his loops to make it all pull together. he just hopes that From will get the way he gets it done.

that lurch in his stomach eggs him on, makes his heart have to stop a moment so that he can think with a clear head. he needs to focus on school, but he can't help but to need to know what's going on online, can't help but to need to explore ideas, can't help but to find connections between songs that seem so painfully obvious he doesn't know why bands haven't had lawsuits against each other. he pretends to be able to focus, but he knows that focus is as likely to happen as a volcanic eruption in a place with no nearby volcanoes.

it breaks his heart how much he's lost his love for all that is school-related. there used to be a passion pushing him to do well in class as opposed to just a fear of getting bitched out by his mother. it's been over a year and still when he thinks of school he thinks of SDSS. he needs to stop putting himself through the pain, stop having any emotion towards home.

<3 <3

another wasted life.

love is like getting high. the first time is beautiful and amazing and the rest of your life you end up chasing the high, hoping to have it like the first time. every time after that first time it just doesn't measure up and you get depressed when it's over. he'll spend the rest of his life chasing love and he wil find it, but he doesn't know if he'll ever be IN love again. but he wakes up every morning hoping he'll go out into the world and find the girl who can change everything and remind him what being in love feels like. he'll find her even if it kills him.

it sets in that he really doesn't have a job that much anymore. he knew he had no shift anymore, and that sucks, but he was hoping to pick up some holiday shifts. the thing is, he isn't even getting his employee discount anymore. he misses work, having that little piece of his life where he could feel independent. and having the bit of money coming in was pretty awesome too. having no income again makes him worry about next year, trying to move out, trying t get to a place in his life where he's okay with being himself.

the workload pile grows yet again. he doesn't know if it'll ever stop. he can't even recognize that half the things assigned are going to actually be due, or tests will actually happen. he's fine with doing an essay and some poetry, but the lit and the history test and the in-class essay for the lit part of english and the geo just fuck him over. he wants to just have english (only writing parts) and law for academics and keep the rest with electives. tht'll never happen, so he tries to nap at every point possible so that he can escape everything that is life. escape sounds like the only good plan to get out of highschool anymore. he wishes he had the will to actually try and graduate will amazing grades.

<3 <3

just to hold you in my arms.

nothing he ever does is good enough. best grade in english for years: why is it 1% away from an A? it should be an A. Pull off a 60% in a class he didn't get into until the end of the first unit so that he had to catch up on all that: are you happy with a c+? you better go see your teacher for extra work or else you're grounded. go up to 75% in geo: well it's not an A yet so why are you happy? and then people wonder why the fuzzies are telling him he's worthless. they're like parrots who imitate things people tell them.

he's missing her. everything is falling apart in his head while he waits for some indication that she still thinks about him every now and then. burying his feelings isn't going to help anything. he feels like he's failed every girl he's ever been with. not only failed himself, but he's failed to keep them happy enough to stick around for awhile. he almost feels like it's his fault for everything.

left alone with his thoughts he starts to think about how things would be if he weren't in the picture. he's often flirted with the idea of throwing himself under a bus or hanging himself by tying a rope to the banister on the railing above the stairs. sometimes, on bad days, he wonders if he'd have it in him to slit his own throat or stab himself to death. so many years laying dormant, he almost welcomes the self-hate. he needs punishment before he manages to screw up any other lives by being close to them. although he wishes he could be there to see the smears of blood as his corpse begins to cool. everything just gets in the way so that nothing goes as planned. maybe one day.

<3 <3

you will think that I've moved on.

settling back into the world of school doesn't register with him. he has the odd urge to makeout with every single one of his friends. coming back to the world of not everything christian makes everything just turn into flaming kinky gay sex. everywhere. his mind can't stay out of the gutter very easily.

actually, he just wants to cuddle. he could not move for the rest of his life and just stay cuddling, keeping a girl safe, staying warm for as long as their bodies would physically let them go. he could do that every day for as long as he lives and still be as happy as the very first time.

he tries to put girls out of his mind, yet he manages to always go back to them every spare moment he gets to himself. takes one track mind to a whole new level. there is no chance of escape from the threshholds of supreme lust. every girl he manages to just makes her way into his head to the point he practically begs to be in their pants. it never happens, just like how girls never seem to even try to stick around for more than a few short weeks.

every passing day he tries to get through as soon as possible so that he can get away from this shitty highschool. he wants to fast-forward to a time when things are extremely happy for once. every time his eyes begin to close, he sees them together, he fantisizes about the two of them together again. at this point he can't even put together a sentence that works at all. naptime is happening.

<3 <3

what you got means shit to me.

it's good for him to be home. he doesn't have to watch himself every moment to make sure he doesn't act too gay, doesn't have to hide himself away, doesn't have to pretend to believe in a god he knows he's never believed in. although he grew up in the baptist church, the best he can do is respect the religion.

he has a bit of a crisis. he identifies as mostly gynosexual, a little bit pansexual, and polyromantic. his physical attraction is almost is almost strictly females, with the odd ftm, androgynous man, or drag queen. at the same time his sexual attraction goes out to anyone who knows how to turn him on. the problem lies with his emotions. he can only manage a real emotional attraction in a "more than friends" way with physical females, thus, to make things short he just says he's queer. on top of that he's mostly agendered, although gender-neutral pronouns almost make him more dysphoric than gendered ones. his most hated pronouns are female due to his sex, so he settles on male pronouns. he figures if god is supposed to be above gender and is given male pronouns, why can't he have male pronouns as well?

someday he will figure out some way to describe his theology other than just extremely spiritual. he will have some sort of song he will be believing every word he sings as opposed to singing along and living a lie just because he'd rather sing with a fake passion than not sing at all. he can feel it, feel that there is something he believes in somewhere out there in the world. it might be closer than he thinks, he just knows he won't conform to a religion unless it is a way of life he can feel already mostly fits him. he won't change for anyone, any entity.

<3 <3

you're gunna cause more misery.

he was finally starting to feel like it doesn't matter that he's a flaming female-bodied gynosexual in the middle of christian camp, then they have fireside and storm reinforces the idea that homosexuality is a sin. he's ready to head home any time to get away from the place. good thing they're leaving tomorrow because he doesn't know how much longer he can last. at the last moment he's realizing that it might have have been a mistake to come this weekend. he doesn't know how to tell his friends that he won't be coming back to camp, especially the reason why. the twins know, he's now come out to another couple of girls, but he doesn't want them to know that that's the reason he doesn't quite feel comfortable being there much longer.

he hasn't given up on letting religion have its chance, just decided that organized religion is not his style even if he were religious. people don't seem to see being purely spiritual as a valid way of going about things. he wants to live life that way without judgement. he's treading on their turf, respecting their way of salvation, but they don't seem to be giving him that respect back. they won't even recognize him as 'him' because of the way his body presents itself.

every inch of the camp property reminds him of what could have been, if only things were a little bit different. he tries to wash those thoughts away, telling them that they do not exist inside his head. things are always a little bit off when they're inside his head, but he's gotten used to it by now.

he realizes leaving means going back to the same old life where he deals with his mother every fucking day. he doesn't even want to think about doing that. some things are worse than others.

<3 <3

if I promise to go to church on sunday.

he isn't quite sure how to get used to camp again. this time everything's different. he couldn't even get off the ferry without feeling like he's lying to them all. he gets shoved in the 'girl' category to have rooms and they've already had the girly mash-ish games where they tried to make him pick boys. he doesn't even know if he'll end up telling anyone who doesn't already know. things are getting slightly awkward.

mud gets everywhere. honestly, his boots are covered in the three hours he's been here. mud and orange tape all over his legs and feet, movember mustache on the finger, ans he's feeling pretty dope. closets don't makesense to him, being in one makes things seem completely unnatural.

he already misses his incense. they made things easier and the world make more sense. all the smoke somehow calmed him down even if that seems impossible. he may be among the trees at camp, but until he feels that almost meditation-type peace of the smoke in him lungs. apparently to buy lighters at 7-11 you need ID.. it's fucked up, but whatever.

he misses her. after all this time trying to pretend, he's back at the first place they were at at the same time. he wishes he'd met her that summer, but they did eventually meet and that's all that matters. life is awkward, but not always a bad awkward. he can deal with this type of awkward easily. maybe it'll get easier to trust people to know about him. he hasn't even told the twins about his whole big gender thing. fuck, he doesn't know how any of them will take any of this shizz. adventure begins right about now.

<3 <3

film the world before it happens.

it hurts
physically fucking hurts
to pour your soul into a moment,
build your being around a movement
then have it taken away.
to be told no for a lifetime
every time
you go to get your hopes up
hope for something better
than the voices pounding in your head
throbbing,
telling you you're worthless
everything is hopeless
and it's oppression,
not curiosity
that killed the cat.
it kills us all
slowly.
it's being shoved into a world
filled with hate
where people need labels
where change for a better tomorrow
get beaten down
with a baton and a riot shield
because they don't believe.
they don't trust in peace
in a place where humanity can co-exist
without guns,
without knives,
just love and compassion.
and it's just a fraction
of the world
that actually cares.

I come from a world that is so far out.

looking back at the last year, he sees how much he's grown. he manages to be okay without having someone to attach his face to, at least still-living type of okay. the time has let him explore his gender, his own mind, his creativity. he knows so much more about himself than he could've dreamed of the previous year. she was right, as much as it pains him to admit. she knew that the bullshit shadow of a man he was needed the time to grow into a realperson before he could be trusted with the emotions he felt for her. although now that he's made part of the journey, he realizes that they may not be able to ever make it work despite how much they did love each other. he should be thanking her for letting him take the time to figure that all out. he should be thanking her for letting him know how it feels to really be in love. he should thank her for making him responsible for his actions where he's always managed to talk his way out of trouble. what stops his from thanking her? maybe someday, when he's strong enough, he will.

this school year he decided to have a notebook on hand for the poems he writes in classes when he's bored. he never imagined it would be more than that. now it's turning into winter season and he has made a home in that notebook. quotes, notes on things he finds interesting, rants, poems, and other things have bled their way across the pages, searing his expectations with motivated ink. every thought that crosses his mind he assesses if it's worthy of becoming a part of that chapter in his life's records.

the tears rolling down his cheeks are purely from the amount of hours he's been awake. every memory running by leaves him with at least the hope of a smile. he's made it through everything, no matter how hard it was at the time. he can miss how things were before, but they will never measure up to this exact moment.

<3 <3

cut ties with all the lies.

as the days fly by, he realizes all the events are getting so close. then he realizes he doesn't have a date yet and most of his friends have already agreed to go together. things just keep on moving even when he isn't ready for them to happen. it really hits him how much different from what he thought this year's events will be. he should have been at SDSS boat cruise, should be going to SDSS winter formal, and should be going to SDSS prom and dry grad. not only is he not going to the events, but he's not going with the girl he'd said he would from grade 9, and not wearing the right clothes. in a way , his dreams have been shattered.

he's groping around in the dark, trying to find the switch to get to normalcy. someone seems to have hidden it again. he can't remember the last time things seemed real, that he could feel emotion when learning about serial killers, that he could gain any motivation to do anything. then again he doesn't even know what normal is anymore.

one final day to get through before he has to try and get everything done in the midst of the craziness that is camp. he's actually starting to get more excited about this weekend, more than he ever thought possible. just hoping the weather holds up so he can maybe try to learn to skateboard. he knows there's a good chance he'll just spend the whole weekend of free times in club coco chilling with books and lattes and pouring over themes and essays and such. apparently the only thing he needs to be working on is Engliosh. highly enjoyable homework for the most part. just lit makes him a little unsure if he can stay afloat in the class.

it may be time for him to b doing another wardrobe raid. somehow he knows there are many things he never wears no matter how much he love. girly clothes just don't seem to fit into his style, although he keeps them around in case he needs them for movie shoots. they take up space for almost no reason whatsoever. he just needs to clear it all out.

<3 <3

now we're partners in crime.

things are starting to get under control again. he finally has the worst part of homework done so that he remembers that there is still a bunch of work he needs to have done for classes tomorrow. halfway done he week, picking up a cheque tomorrow. two more school days until he's off for the weekend. he almost forgets that he was scared to be at a christian camp for the weekend because to him it means escape from his mother.

there aren't enough hours in the day to get the kind of sleep he's craving. he wishes that time for sleep would just keep on in repeat. instead, his attempts at having a life cut into the time that really should've been used to be sleeping in. instead he hypes himself up on caffeine, hoping to do something productive while he's still awake. then he crashes by the time he gets around to anything.

he can't seem to keep his mind off her for all that long. he tries to think of all sorts of thing, but in the end the thoughts somehow make their way back. he tries to stop it; she's like a drug of sorts. she drives him crazy in more ways than he cares to realize. someday he knows it will be different, not by much, but at least a little bit easier. he goes about life trying to get everything under control, understandable, under the point of extreme emotions.

just once he wishes someone would stop and wonder, "is that a boy or a girl" for even a split second. he wishes people could see how badly he needs to be anything but female. so he waits another day for someone to understand. it won't happen soon and he knows it but he can't help but to keep wishing. wishing is as far as he'll ever seem to go without being disapointed.

<3 <3

I am your time machine.

there's too much he's being asked to do in so little time. two more projects he needs done this week, plus written homework, reading like... 3 books, and pulling apart an essay and perfecting it to AP standards for English. there's no time but he's motivated, for most of it anyways. for now he could just use a giant nap. he needs a weekend to just do all his work alone at the same time. instead he has to try and get things done at breaks when there are people and distractions all around. he's fighting himself every second to try and get anything done.

he remembers the days where he'd sneak out just to go do homework, days before homework needed internet for information. days before his room was impossible to get out of without his mother's notice. he considers pulling an all-nighter to catch-up on some reading. fuck, he doesn't knoe what's going on in like... 3 of his classes.

the last school year, his Japanese teacher said his failing attempt of grades didn't make sense unless he had a mental blockade against learning the language. he might have found that blockade. throughout most of his years in Japanese school he was completely tormented by this kid named corey. he would honestly spend break crying, sometimes going home crying as well. he learned to associate the torment with his learning. he really wihes he had the time to saturate himself in Japanese to try to break through the blockade. maybe then things would make sense most of the time and it wouldn't seem so bad to be around family.

he's dying to have someone to talk to about things. it feels like he's been keeping it all in for forever, not getting the chance to talk out all his emotions about her, about his identification, about that constant hunger to feel loved. he needs the time, the trust in someone who's willing to listen. he just needs to let it all out at once, but he isn't quite sure where to start.

<3 <3

don't let the days go by.

his best friends are so far away. it's only a 30min car ride, but that distance makes life suck. one of them got a mohawk and he doesn't even know when he'll get out to go see it. the other he hasn't seen since before the beardyness. he misses them, wants to spend a lifetime just being with them. he wants to just get rid of this thing called life and reality and just go live with his best friends and some other people in a forest. just have good times and nature parties and long talks about nothing in particular for the rest of his time on Earth.

most people have figured out part of their future by now. the only things about his future he knows are that he is expected to graduate and he'll be moving out as soon as he can. job-wise he doesn't have a clue what he'd have enough motivation to do. fuck, he's never pictured the long-term future before and he has no intention on doing so any time. he feels so unprepared for everything. teachers strike doesn't help the fact that nothing feels fucking real and he can't seem to get his shit together for long enough to do anything. it would help him so much if he could feel anything about the time passing besides confused, if he could feel himself growing knowledge and maturing. things never work out in an easy way though. he doesn't understand the things that are life.

he can't understand the conciquence of not getting things done because it feels like every time he blinks his eyes a few days go past. the days go by too fucking quickly and it confuses him endlessly and makes it so that nothing at all makes any sense. almost like he's in an alternate universe. he's falling endlessly through space.

<3 <3

you're no friend of mine.

things were awkward. how can they not be when he sees an ex that has hated him for almost 11 months, who he hasn't seen since trying to sort things out right before valentine's day. she still has him shaking when they're in the same room. he can't control himself anymore and he doesn't have a clue what it means. he thinks he's most of the way to being over her, but then this all happens and he can't get her out of his head. all the memories come flooding back on repeat. it's not even that that's the part that drives him crazy. it's the hearing her voice, the same tone, the same laughter, seeing her giant smile, and knowing she's trying to pretend he's not even in the room as much as she can. it's not having her to be the one to talk to him and calm him down in the magical way she does after having that for so long. it's the wondering if things would've lasted if he just kissed her in grade 9 like he always wanted to. it's the find out that she came out to her parents the past summer and that they knew because they'd never been subtle. he wonders if her parents knew when they held hands in the backseat and connected that with the instant hate afterwards.

he feels like he should have brought quippy. even though having his inanimate girlfriend would make things more tense if possible. not to mention, it's an inanimate girlfriend that he bought because it reminded him of the ex that she was apparently willing to be on speaking terms with him because he was dating. somehow, that just doesn't work. the inanimate girlfriend to get over that ex he looked up how to write "I love you" in German to give to on the same day she broke up with him (because he's helpless at speaking languages he hasn't practiced his whole life.) somehow he knows that any mention of any of that would have made things worse with her. not mentioning anything was already about as bad as it could be. life is fucked up. girls are confusing. lesson learned.

<3 <3

doesn't even matter how hard you try.

testimony day. he isn't quite sure what to expect, but he knows that it will be something worth going to. he has no idea what he'll be saying, what he can get away without breaking into a place where everything gets awkward, seeing as people who played a big part in his self-discovery will be in the room. then there's the whole bit of not being completely out about himself to everyone when it comes to gender. it takes about 5-10mins to try to explain it though, so he kind of doesn't feel like coming out to people one at a time.

he has no clue about what to do with the job thing. he'll talk to his boss and hopefully come to a conclusion where it works for the best for both of them. although, in the mean time it's nice to have a bit of time off. he almost misses the crazy cleaning sprees on shift though. it's almost a therapeutic cleaning.

he's fairly comfortable in his skin at the moment. he feels like he looks dykey enough without being too, too awkward. plus he's come to be confident enough in himself that he can just fucking own whatever he wants; be it the itty bitty ponytail, the dyke boots, the painted-on mustache, or the general lack of sex appeal. all that matters is that the body dysphoria is currently at about... 0.0001%, at least for the next little bit. social dysphoria's a little bit higher, but he just doesn't give a fuck about what people think enough to ignore it mostly. life gets so much easier that way. then again, he's just a freaking flaming poof who can't keep his queer down.

<3 <3

nobody wants to be alone in the world.

he's just waiting to be fired. he knows it's coming and he's fucking terrified to check his e-mail because of that. he should have known better than to try and get a job while living at home. he should have known that his mother's dependency on him would give her excuses to ban him from working any shifts he's given during the school year. it's only convenient for him to get a job when it's within hours that she dictates. those hours never seem to be possible. the only one place where he could just be and not have to worry about his mother getting in the way of doing his own thing is about to be taken away. his constant, the only constant he thought he could hold on to will no longer be there to stop his from breaking down, freaking out, falling down. he doesn't know how much more he can take.

looking down he sees the scars he'd almost forgotten about. he can make out the word love, almost as clear as the day it was carved last. that was over 2 years ago, 10 months since his last scar at all... well scar he inflicted. he's been doing so well until he looked down. the memories flood back and he remembers how it feels. fuck, he's stuck between missing the pain and finding more painful substitutes. out of the corner of his mind he considers branding. he's played around with miniature versions of it in the past, but he's wanting to take it farther. he realizes... 10 months without the blade, but only 8 without burnings.

everything feels like it's closing around him. he's fucking terrified of it all, but he keeps on going every day. he wants to scream, he wants to mutilate, he wants to give up on trying and let everything go to shit. he wants to just sit and talk and cry and cuddle. he wants someone/ something to be there so he can have a living thing be that support he desperately needs. he's heading off to the deep end, letting it wash up over his head.

<3 <3

god sent me to piss the world off.

as movember continues he resents every moment that he can't really grow a mustache of his own. all around him guys have easily just decided to join but he can't really say the same. although it's technically also named no-shave november and he's already at almost 2 months with the legwarmers. it gives him a little bit of hope.

one month till he has to put his pride away and deal with the dress for winter formal. he isn't quite sure if he wants to go, after all, his mother's going. isn't the whole point to get away from parents and just chill the fuck out? shit is confusing. somehow he knew having his mother there would screw up his grad year at every chance she can get. he's dealing with her, only 8 months till he can at least start to get away from her.

less than 3 moths till he can legally be considered an adult. sadly his only plans to put that into use are tattoos and some things at little sisters. even with those plans he doesn't have anyone to make them seem all that much fun, or to hold his hand through the pain. although he's been on his own a lot so he should be getting used to it after all these years.

he doesn't want to close his eyes. when he goes o sleep more things seem to pile onto his plate. every day brings more challenges and new obsticles to overcome. it never seems to be over no matter how hard he tries to get everything done. he's afraid sleep will make his workload multiply somehow. there's nothing like being afraid to sleep to fuck up someone's mental health.

he misses the simple parts of life where he could manage everything, have time for a social life, and still keep some time to calm the fuck down on his own every once in a while. he wishes he could go back and tell himself in the past to enjoy every moment of it, not to waste a moment of that.

<3 <3

I try to believe you but I don't.

he's fading. he's trying to keep on top of everything to keep from thinking about her every second of every day. instead he's just fucking tired snd the thoughts creep up on him every moment he stops to breathe a little bit. it's not going to stop pounding its way into his life so he tries to drag sandbgs over to keep the wave at bay. he knows that sandbags won't be enough to stop it, but it's the only thing he knows to do. he's drowning, searching for some other solution. he prays to meowsus, asking for some way to make it stop. the only answer he gets is help to try and fifure out the whole situation, but he can't bring himself to put the plan into action without feeling like he's shaken out of his skin, shaken from fear.

he goes about the dy, shrugging off he LBs who comment on the fact he can't grow a real mustache for movember. he curses this body, wishing he could make his voice a little deeper, his body a little taller, his emotions a  little more balanced. he'll never fit the box for male and he may never find the right pronouns to fit his lack of gender, but he won't let the fact that any balls he'll ever have will be just as fake as sillicone implants get him down.

he hasn't known how to deal with the lack of internet access so far, even when he's had at least some time on the laptop every day not being able to constantly check to see if there's anything new in his inbox. somehow he keeps hoping something will pop up. he hasn't had a conversation with either of his best friends saying more than one thing within a day for ages. he misses them more than anything.

<3 <3

daddy's little girl ain't a girl no more.

it's over. after so much anticipation he's done for another year. he doesn't want to believe it's done. if he had it his way the holiday would continue for the whole year. although the rest of the world is starting to get ready for christmas already. christmas... his least favorite holiday. maybe he would enjoy it if he could be away from his family and the fighting and the screaming and the throwing of plates. maybe it wouldn't be so bad if his teen years weren't scarred with cancelled christmas get-togethers and the lack of trees. for once he wishes he could spend christmas cuddling under blankets by a fireplace, eggnog on hand, lights twinkling in the snow, carols all around. he wishes he could have one family get-together with a home-cooked meal in peace. o one badgering him about perfect fucking grades or getting inot the spirit of grad events, no one getting mad at his great grandma because she can't remember anything, no more of everyone bitching about how horrible a person his mother is (even if he agrees.) although it never happens.

serial killer presentations start tomorrow and it's the only thing keeping him going, giving him something to look forward to. the blood and the guts and gore are his only friends in tis broken world. he can't trust in anything else.

he's waiting for something to sweep him off his feet and carry him off into a way of life he never even considered. he's hoping some girl will come along and change his life forever, giving him a whole new take on humanity. he knows she's out there somewhere, but there's a good chance he'll never get a chance to meet her with 7 billion people on this planet. he can still keep hoping against the odds.

he's desperate for some girl to sink her teeth into his flesh, run her nails across his bare skin. it's slowly driving him insane. every girl he passes he hopes will be the one to end this dryspell.

<3 <3

I feel awkward as I should.

waiting for the day he's been looking forward to and he changes his plan at the last minute. for weeks he's been saying he'd do a neglected doll, but with the school haunted house doing a doll theme he needs something different. a bag of spiders catches his eye and ideas start to flood his mind. he plays around with names, finally settling on arachhomobia: queer of spiders. what better than to be an uber queer spider queen? he glues on fake nails and trys to remember how to do things with them in the way.

somehow it's all releasing a feminine side of him. he can't wait for morning to play around with makeup and skirts and such. everything seems like so much more fun for the holiday season. he's waiting for the clock to strike midnight so he cant actually say happy hallowe'en without sounding like a dumbass. queer christmas and he's like a kid unable to sleep on christmas eve. he knows if he's going to make it through the day without falling asleep he needs to get to sleep soon, but things in his head to shut up. he wishes things were easy, that there was time to do things to get ready for the night instead of rushing in the morning. before school.

he wants t give in to himself and just let himself try to feel loved. he wants to melt into someone's arms, no matter how platonic. he really just wants to eat until he can't feel any emotion other than full. he needs to stop caring about the world around, the mess of the city, the hopelessness of the human race. the fence around his heart needs to be rebuilt to withstand the hurricane that is life.

<3 <3