his mind is confused, it's telling him so many things he doesn't know how to deal with. he doesn't want to feel like that for people who he needs around. he needs to stop finding gay men extremely attractive, it's killing him. he wishes he could have the looks they do.
at this point he doesn't know what to call his sexuality anymore, it's pretty fluid and depending on his mood, although he likes girls all the time. he's beating himself mentally to stop from jumping every girl he feels the least bit comfortable around to show them they're beautiful. he thinks it's more wanting to feel something other than the same old empty things he feels every day spent alone, untouched, unloved. even mustering up the energy to keep doing what he's doing seems to be too much to get anywhere with. life doesn't seem to be much in his favour at all these days. it's all breaking him down at every spare moment.
he gets obsessive. every little challenge people throw at him he has to try again and again until he gets it right. there are two games friends have challenged him to get anywhere close to finishing on. he could spend all winter break trying to beat their highest levels and such. could be fucking interesting. he needs something to go completely obsessive over so that things won't seem so bad in the real world.
the world seems like a totally different place than it was even a year ago, his life has changed so much. in some ways he wishes he could go back to them, in others he doesn't even want to remember how much of a dumbass he really was not that long ago.
<3 <3
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