looking back at the last year, he sees how much he's grown. he manages to be okay without having someone to attach his face to, at least still-living type of okay. the time has let him explore his gender, his own mind, his creativity. he knows so much more about himself than he could've dreamed of the previous year. she was right, as much as it pains him to admit. she knew that the bullshit shadow of a man he was needed the time to grow into a realperson before he could be trusted with the emotions he felt for her. although now that he's made part of the journey, he realizes that they may not be able to ever make it work despite how much they did love each other. he should be thanking her for letting him take the time to figure that all out. he should be thanking her for letting him know how it feels to really be in love. he should thank her for making him responsible for his actions where he's always managed to talk his way out of trouble. what stops his from thanking her? maybe someday, when he's strong enough, he will.
this school year he decided to have a notebook on hand for the poems he writes in classes when he's bored. he never imagined it would be more than that. now it's turning into winter season and he has made a home in that notebook. quotes, notes on things he finds interesting, rants, poems, and other things have bled their way across the pages, searing his expectations with motivated ink. every thought that crosses his mind he assesses if it's worthy of becoming a part of that chapter in his life's records.
the tears rolling down his cheeks are purely from the amount of hours he's been awake. every memory running by leaves him with at least the hope of a smile. he's made it through everything, no matter how hard it was at the time. he can miss how things were before, but they will never measure up to this exact moment.
<3 <3
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