he feels completely worthless. he always felt if there was one thing that could make him feel like he had some sort of purpose or thing to live for it would be writing. then essays have to go and need all these fucking examples to be good enough for AP english and it kills him. he knows that's the hardest part for him. he can attack anything or describe a love for thing, but the second he's asked to back up his shit with evidence and stats and stuff he's fucked. there are reasons he can't debate worth shit and he ends up getting people feeling sorry for him to be forgiven for shizz. he hopes his attempts will be good enough to make it out alive.
he's starting to understand the music, see how the fitting in loops and mixing them works. it's like everything clicked and he notices the little tweaks that are to be made, notices the balances, notices how he should be piling his loops to make it all pull together. he just hopes that From will get the way he gets it done.
that lurch in his stomach eggs him on, makes his heart have to stop a moment so that he can think with a clear head. he needs to focus on school, but he can't help but to need to know what's going on online, can't help but to need to explore ideas, can't help but to find connections between songs that seem so painfully obvious he doesn't know why bands haven't had lawsuits against each other. he pretends to be able to focus, but he knows that focus is as likely to happen as a volcanic eruption in a place with no nearby volcanoes.
it breaks his heart how much he's lost his love for all that is school-related. there used to be a passion pushing him to do well in class as opposed to just a fear of getting bitched out by his mother. it's been over a year and still when he thinks of school he thinks of SDSS. he needs to stop putting himself through the pain, stop having any emotion towards home.
<3 <3
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