you shit where you sleep.

I really wish it was easy to stop having her be the one I randomly think about in my quiet time, to stop hurting. I'm trying to move on but it's like she's sending me signs, not letting me go. there is no way to get away so I just have to power through and try to find something to take her place when it still feels like a family of jinxed razor blades are attacking my heart. 
I'd give anything to forget. to wake up one morning and have her not be on my mind for the whole day, whole week, whole month. maybe then I could start to actually heal. this haircut was supposed to be my 'yeah I'm gunna get over you now' look, but she keeps popping up out of nowhere in the back of my head. she's that voice that reminds me that I momentarily did know what being in love, head over heels in love, feels like. 

then  it comes back to who would ever love someone who doesn't even know what gender they are most of the time. someone who can't answer questions in class because when the teachers asks for a female they don't feel female enough to be allowed to answer, but they never ask for a male because the actual smart people at the front of the room are all male. stoopid cissexism.. 
who would love someone who gets to the point where they try to rip their own flesh away from their bones because the skin just doesn't represent the person inside. 
who would love someone who has fits of rage or starts crying for no apparent reason.. when NOT extremely hormonal.

I don't know how much more of this female bullshit I can take. I don't respond to she/ her/ lady/ ma'me/ miss/ girl/ woman/ daughter/ etc. they aren't ME! I don't care if I feel like wearing a freaking tutu that day, maybe I just feel like a drag queen stuck in a female body. it has nothing to do with the fact that I do have a little bit of female left in me. and no, I'm not gunna suddenly be some 'perfect' cisgendered fuckwad. my gender is nonexistant, and if I lean to either side of the bianary it would most likely be male. I feel more comfortable using those pronouns and such. they feel safe.

<3 <3