who has to know?

no matter how much we suffer, everyone else has pain too. that doesn't mean we should dismiss our own because someone else's is greater. it means we need to live ours out and try to understand others. I try but most of the time I get caught up in my own. I bitch and complain about the fact that any time around my mother I feel attacked. there is always screaming and being told just how useless and stoopid I am EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I pretend I don't mind. I pretend that it doesn't drill into my head that I can't do anything and I shouldn't even bother trying because I'm just a fuck up. like I don't hear it from her, interpret other's words as trying to put me down all the time, hear those voices echoing around inside my head, telling me I'm good for nothing. I push aside the pain and try to stop others from having to try and deal with it.

I see the pain behind her weary eyes. there's nothing I wouldn't do to make it go away. I've been there before, on the edge of rebellion and stability. I was never as strong as her, I never had the will or focus to manage to carry on like it was completely fine most of the time. I needed help of my good old friends Mary Jane, Jack Daniels, and some others. I envy the way she can just be so perfect while really she's slipping and hurting. she has my respect. more than that, she has me, waiting to help in any way she needs, waiting for her to let me in. 

we are all so seperate. traveling through this journey, crossing paths every so often. connecting doesn't happen too often. and when it does you're always left wondering, do they feel that too? that spark that brings your understanding of the other into full view. that little bit of connecting that such different masses of molecules can actually feel at home together. 

then again what is home? that sense that seems to bind people to the area they reside? I don't feel it at all anymore. I just feel lost. except for a few hugs, a few smiles, getting lost in blazing flesh. the only way I can still feel home.

<3 <3