please tell mom this is not her fault.

this happens every fucking weekend. I spend time away from people, don't bother with making an effort the whole time, barely even shower, rush through my homework between long tumblr breaks and a few facebook breaks, and generally feel comfortable in my manliness. then it's time to go back..
going back is the worst part. yes, I get to be around people who are generally just awesome, but it comes at the price of my little world disappearing. I like being on my own because it means I can pretend that I'm someone I'm not and no one is there to call me out on it. in my mind I'm nothing like the person I see in the mirror. not nearly as scrawny and disporportionate. I have a more manly way. my legs don't look so awkward, my torso actually has some muscle and meat (and no boobs), my face his a little more scruff and manly angles. but I look in the mirror and I just see a stoopid girl who thinks she could actually be pretty but fails miserably.
I don't bother taking pictures of myself or even let others take pictures of me unless it's to capture a different style of makeup in trying out. I don't want to see myself. I don't want people to see me for what my body is right now, I want them to see me more the way I picture myself.
some people actually do see it a bit. like Friday when I actualy got asked if I was physically a 'dude or dudette' because it looked like I have an adam's apple. I honestly felt whole for a few seconds knowing that someone actually wasn't sure without me having to even do a partcial transition. still, it would be nice to have a more manly body. just feel a little more at home in my skin.

on another note, mother's day. and one of the goldfish is sick.. the one that was our last fish before my mom brought home 3 more babies yesterday. so I was almost rid of al fish but NO, she had to go out and get more. no matter how many times I tell her I want something else. ANYTHING but fish. something I can actually play with and feel like I can connect to in some way other than staring at it and trying to get it to follow my finger... STOOPID!

and almost budsauce's birthday. 16... crazy age, yeknow when sex gets legal and all that shizz. oh, and you can drive. bahahaaha.

FINALLY done socials essay. it was a bitch!!

<3 <3