I blame myself for everything. it really sucks. but I just can't really stop no matter how hard I try. if anything goes wrong I can't stop myself from thinking all the worst things and that I'm the cause of them. yeahhhh... it's fun shizz.
everything that slightly relates to being female is kinda a piss off today. rawr. except transgirls. cause they're pretty cute. but it's all like FUUUUCKK time to be all happy happy happy. except I'm not. cause of stoopid dysphoria. everyone should just live on an island of genderlessness. that would be great.
really need to find someone who can actually love me and understands how much I need physical touch. and it doesn't even have to be like... sexual. just hugs and holding hands and cuddling and stuff. someone I can feel like I'm actually connecting to because of that. I don't really know what it is but I actually don't feel like the people around me are real unless I can touch them and keep them close so I know they won't just walk right on out of my life. so I kind of have some trust issues... just a little bit. more abandonment issues. I hate being on my own as long as I don't have things that need to get done.
I just really want hugs and cuddles and love. as much as I act like I do, I really don't care about sex. it's just a tiny part. besides sex is sex, it doesn't mean anything unless it's at the right time with the right person. that could be part of the reason I ended up sleeping around for a bit, because it didn't matter, and it made them happy so something actually came from it.
<3 <3
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