you're such a fucking cutie pie.

I GOT MY N!!! I can finally drive on my own without anyone else in the car, unless I want someone in with me. I totally thought he might fail me, but I passed. he seemed like he'd be all strict and stuff but the way he marked me was really easy. honestly I felt like the route was easy, I just fucked up a bit because I haven't really practiced parallel parking. other than that I felt pretty confident in my driving. although I was nervous as fuck. I mean, big, scary man telling you where to drive and judging you on how you do it. and having the power to stop you from getting your next step of lisence. BUT I PASSED!!!

just want this week to be over. and next week. if everything could just fast forward like a week and a half to after school friday next week. QUEER PROM IN 10 days. too bad I can't drive there. then maybe Aliza would have an easier time convincing her mom that it's ok for her to stay over here. since I'd be driving back. 

still pisses me off when I hear/ read people calling me a girl and stuff. daughter, little girl, young lady. UHHHG! it's like trying to put a bullet through my head. honestly, do they not see how much it hurts me just to hear those words?? do I have to fucking spell it out? even today, the fact that the driver's lisence says sex, not gender, so I have to say female. I don't feel female, so why should my driver's lisence represent me as a female?? it's quite frankly, the stoopidest thing I've had to encounter in a long time. 

need a job so I can get money so I can buy a truck and a new pair of skates. and afford gas. hoping that I can work out some sort if deal that if I buy the car, my family will pay first year of insuarance or something like that. cause that's fucking expensive. might end up getting a low-limit credit card soon so that I can use it to buy gas in the states and make a couple online purchases. like a binder..

here's hoping I can buy a truck soon.

<3 <3  

you shit where you sleep.

I really wish it was easy to stop having her be the one I randomly think about in my quiet time, to stop hurting. I'm trying to move on but it's like she's sending me signs, not letting me go. there is no way to get away so I just have to power through and try to find something to take her place when it still feels like a family of jinxed razor blades are attacking my heart. 
I'd give anything to forget. to wake up one morning and have her not be on my mind for the whole day, whole week, whole month. maybe then I could start to actually heal. this haircut was supposed to be my 'yeah I'm gunna get over you now' look, but she keeps popping up out of nowhere in the back of my head. she's that voice that reminds me that I momentarily did know what being in love, head over heels in love, feels like. 

then  it comes back to who would ever love someone who doesn't even know what gender they are most of the time. someone who can't answer questions in class because when the teachers asks for a female they don't feel female enough to be allowed to answer, but they never ask for a male because the actual smart people at the front of the room are all male. stoopid cissexism.. 
who would love someone who gets to the point where they try to rip their own flesh away from their bones because the skin just doesn't represent the person inside. 
who would love someone who has fits of rage or starts crying for no apparent reason.. when NOT extremely hormonal.

I don't know how much more of this female bullshit I can take. I don't respond to she/ her/ lady/ ma'me/ miss/ girl/ woman/ daughter/ etc. they aren't ME! I don't care if I feel like wearing a freaking tutu that day, maybe I just feel like a drag queen stuck in a female body. it has nothing to do with the fact that I do have a little bit of female left in me. and no, I'm not gunna suddenly be some 'perfect' cisgendered fuckwad. my gender is nonexistant, and if I lean to either side of the bianary it would most likely be male. I feel more comfortable using those pronouns and such. they feel safe.

<3 <3   

cause we just don't give a shit.

I think I'm more than a little bit in love with my hair. :) 
is all prettyful and stuffs. plus yeknow, I like being confused for a boy. and the stares little kids give you when they're trying to figure out what exactly your sex is. hehehe. I know that's kids mean to confuse the little kiddies, but genderfuckery is just so much more fun. 

and more thinking about grad. apparently I can't go to my old school's. they aren't letting anyone from different schools, which SUCKS. they're getting the pink limo without me :( and honestly how much fun is a azn geekery grad gunna be? it's not like anyone there will even be up for crazy whateverness. barely anyone will even be up for dancing... 
apparently there hasn't been anyone who had a same-sex date before. so if on the odd chance I do manage to hold onto a girl and be able to bring her to grad, it'll be all taboo and shizz. and outfits. that will be a whole other story. trying to mix feminine and masculine in the perfect amount. and have my family be ok with it. I really should learn to use a sewing mashine so I can do some stuff on my own. 
need to start on some sketches and all that. or I could just find a dress with a crazy big skirt and super plain on top that I can still manage to bind while wearing, and then stick a dress shirt and suit jacket on top. and tie. maybe bowtie. hmmms. FUUUU so many options. good thing I have over a year to figure this all out. but if I'm gunna be putting this together by actual sewing and stuffs then I should get started soon. lalalala

as if everyday outits aren't hard enough to figure out.. making me be all fancy and shizz. I hate dressing up, there's nothing that I think actually represents ME. even mixing feminine and masculine it doesn't really feel right. the most I can feel completely comfortable and still be somewhat formal is suit jacket, dress shirt, tie/ bowtie, and skinny jeans. maybe some kick-ass boots or oxfords or something. 

less than two weeks till queer prom. getting nervous. really fucking nervous. gahhhhhh!!!! I mean, what do I fucking wear???? and is anyone from Richmond actually coming with me? my two queerios that want to just don't know if they can yet... snjshwkeejtigi

BREATHE!!!

<3 <3 

my mind is on the brink.

oi. so much emotions I don't know what to do with them all. I could be all happy because I applied for acting at vanarts then got to spend time with friends at night market and white spot. or nervous cause I have to write a letter of intent and audition with a contemporary monologue and a shakespearean one.... or pissed because my mom thinks it's a crime for friends' parents to not offer me a ride home and leave me at the bus stop so I'm grounded next weekend. or depressed because I got a parking ticket. my very first ticket. aparently I was too close to a crosswalk... and that means byebye $45.
then there's my whole I'm a total pimp with my dykecut. my own friends mistook me for a boy for a split second. which means I'm totally stokeeeed. 

this is like the next step in my coming out. my grandparents even came to see my play when I haven't officially come out to them. and they liked it apparently. my grandma, the one who's super old-fashioned and wants me to be super feminine and stuffs. and my grandpa, who complains about almost everything if he doesn't get fed. I just don't know if they've put two and two together. hahgraacdqjuifans 

I dunno, I guess I'm just feeling more comfortable and ready to actually come out to people as a genderless (or genderqueer if they need a label) mostly gynosexual. and I'm starting to need people to recognize that so I can feel comfortable in my body, as awkward as it is. 

and yeknow, queer prom is coming up June 10 so I need to be ready to be super pridey :)
even more so than usual. if that's even possible. prolly not really, but I can try.

<3 <3 

my baby's gone even though I hold her tight.

weekend finally. three weeks to go. three grueling weeks that I won't really do anything. I hasn't done actual homework for a week. I just don't even bother anymore. marks cutoff is in like a week, so why bother to do much? I'm passing what I'm good at and failing what I hate. Japanese doesn't matter since I have credits for language already. physics, I'm barely passing and even if I don't pass. I can take bio next year. no big deaaaal. and math.. I'm signing up for summer school. so really, I can just relax for the rest of the year. school year.

kinda finally got my hair chopped off. my mom hates it, I can tell by how she complains. just because such a difference in style and colour, means she'll take some getting used to it. if she everjust shuts up she'll realize it makes me happy. 

lalala

<3 <3  

and I have a plan.

variety night 2011. fuckkk yeah. it felt good tonight. the words just seemed to come out so much easier (possibly because this was pretty much the only way I'm able to find to end up coming out to my grandparents) and the crowd just... worked. and onstage dance parties are good times. curtains opened or closed. 

someone who graduated came up to me at intermission, said my play was amazing, and I should consider writing scripts for a living and yeahhh. made my freaking night. :) 

gunna be so freaking tired tomorrow. it ENDED at 11 and I have math first thing in the freaking morning so I can't even come in late and have izdebski be cool with it because she knows I was busy tonight. AND that means no tea... unless I drink it before school. might just end up rolling out of bed, putting on whatever clothes are closest, eating breakfast, making tea, and heading out the door. no makeup, no fuss, no giving a shit. loverly. 

HOSHIZZ it's the weekend after school tomorrow. art stuffs and may days and all that shinanigans. then straight back into tests and stuff. 3 weeks until I'm done for the school year.. then summer school for a month. fuck yeah.
djdjfjjdekjfvjdeo SLEEP!!!!

<3 <3 

when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

here goes me thinking everything's my fault yet again. just want to make everyone happy and make all the bad in the world disappear. but I can't do it all, and it seems like the harder I try, the more people push me away. there's so much I want to say to people, so many stories I want people to feel like they can tell me, and none of it it seems will ever happen. there's one person it seems in the whole bloody school that actually wants to let me in, let me feel like I make a difference. and it's hard since we only have one class together. the rest of the world just seems distant and stoopid. there's no point to any of the things that end up hapening in day to day life. it's all just a tightrope leading to nowhere that everyone keeps following as if their livlfe depends on it. no one think about how turning around, going down the ladder, and walking in the ring would make so much more sense. waiting for everything to stop being blurry messes and make sense for once. 

I have no clue if I'm even making sense any more... I'm just so tired, so worn out. and the end seems so far away. there is no end. just hudle after hurdle. 

female pronouns are kind of the bane of my existance right now. every time they are used to describe me I want to cringe then scream and thrash around, melting. at least male pronouns I don't feel like I'm dying inside. and gender-neutral ones usually just end up sounding off. there are so many people who don't even have a clue what exactly they mean. 

almost time for a 'break' ... I mean weekend..

<3 <3  

oh the wax, it's dripping.

it kinda hurts when people get your hopes up about actually showing up to see a play you wrote, directed, and acted in then just DON'T SHOW UP. I mean, people you haven't seen in awhile but talked to just for the purpose of them coming, giving them directions. or people you've never actually met, but have talked to and heard tons of stories and were looking forward to actually meeting. rawrrrr. or people who freaking helped you edit part of the script and promised to be there to see how you took their thoughts. FUUUCKKK. just feels like failure. like after pouring all your heart and soul into something, no one cares. 

the ones who did show up said they loved it. but almost everything that could have gone wrong on the day of, did. so much fucking stress. and of course I blame myself for everything. and yeahhh. so I get depressed AFTER the show, not when I'm supposed to be about to kill myself. loverly. 

mustaches. and beards. nom. I will end up with legit facial hair someday. bring it!! which brings me back to the whole partial-transition issue. if only life were easy enough that I could actually do that and still manage to play derby and other stuff like that... fucking limits. 

KLAINE!!! omigawdsss adorable. I mean, first I love yous are always adorable, but with them, even more so :)
I just about melted in the awesome. and squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and all that shizz.

I shall now proceed to try and find a queer prom date...

<3 <3 

he thought the coke was sweet & low.

I grew up on tea. almost every dinner ends with tea. if you get hungry in the middle of the day, go for tea and grab a snack with it. if it's cold, drink some tea. almost as far back as I remember I've been drinking tea. even if I do love me some coffe it will always be tea that gets me through a tough day. it will always be tea that I want went I feel sick. and tea will always be there. very rarely is there any coffee in my house, sometimes a few packets of instant coffee or something, but there's always at least 8 different types of teas. my personal tea stash alone consists of about 4 or 5 varieties right now. and I wouldn't have it any other way. except the fact that drinking tea as often as I do on weekends means I have to pee almost every hour. it's like being pregnant with a tea baby. 

it's good to be home, where people actually drink other types of tea besides orange pekoe and plain green. I like my flavoured blacks. mmmm chocolate teas are nom. and chai :)

the end of a long weekend. not sure about going back. I'm not exactly ready to perform two monologue plays within less than 8 hours. and I really need more time to work on costumes and stuff. rawrrr. I don't know if I even have a jersey for Amos yet. blarggg. not to mention I have boxes all over my room I need to sort out. not having them at least sorted is driving me crazy, even if I've only been home for 2 hours to see it. I just need a long weekend of not doing anything so that I can just sort and get my head and room organized. that would be loverly. at least I have all my stuff at the house instead of some here and some at my grandparents house. but it's just scary how much there is, need to get rid of a shitload of stuff.

queer prom. I'M GOING!!! my mom's actually gonna let me go. and I need to figure out what to wear still.. it would be nice to have a date too, but that's not gunna happen so whatever. =P *happy dance*

<3 <3 

cards for sorrow, cards for pain.

chicks in suits. that's all that's on my mind. fuck yeah.
.. that and the fact my thights are STILL covered in bruises from moving heavy-ass boxes around.

that is all.

<3 <3 

I lost my love, my life that night.

writing monologues about being a serial killer and finding sexual language in Frankenstein.. lovely night. getting into the crazy zone which I love quite dearly, although not exactly sure how anyone outside my head would take the craziness. I mean.. murdering small children and newborn babies?? and only having any emotion by being everjoyed at the blood and power of killing another. quite honestly the blood and pain is kinda hot.. except the death part. that would suck to gave someone die while you're fucking then or something. 

I'm twisted, whatever. it's all part of the whole bdsm thing. just makes it that much harder to find people who can actually understand and all that shizz. although bdsm is pretty big in the lgbt community..

yeah. so I'm totes mcgoats gunna be dreaming about some crazy-ass kinky shit tonight even if I don't mean to and I don't remember any of it. it would be nice if more people I know (and don't hate me) were into that kind of thing, but whatever, bring the pain bitchhhh :)

need to get out of my head more, start actually talking to people instead if just random jokes and comentary on life. I mean, legit conversations about things other than.. if Timothy is god or random facts about governments are hard to come by at all. and most of the time I don't ever bother participating in those. just bitching about life and pointless teenagerly things. I miss actually talking to people, figuring out who they really are, that kind of stuff. when things don't seem so pointless. 

<3 <3 

don't tell me cause it hurts.

back to whistler..
honestly, I'd rather be at home unpacking because it makes me paranoid when I don't have all my stuff unpacked. yeahhh.. I've skipped dinner to unpack before because I'm that much of a dork. 
or at least do something fun instead of nothing really out here... like cuddle with some chickas. cause everyone knows that's what I really want to do 24/7 :)

another day of being so tired that it makes no sense when my eyes water at random points. maybe my brains are trying to ooze out my tear ducts. who knows? at least I actually slept a little last night. but for the next 3 nights it'll be all weird being in some other bed without all my stuff again. fuckin eh, just want to stay in one place for once. just sleep in the same bed for more than two weeks. 

weekend of drooling over Australian chicks... because that's most of what I'll be doing the whole time. yeah, I'm cool. *snore*

normally I'd at least try to write something beautiful but I'm too fucking tired so suck it.

everything's red and yellow and wooden.. it's too warm coloured. I miss blues and greens and purples. at least the carpets are blue and green, so if I get too freaked out I can just look down. 

woot woot. brain is broken =P

<3 <3 

you were fucking that girl next door, what you do that for?

four day weekend. most kids would be happy to be away from school for so long in a row. but then there's being away from school, where I have to 'spend time' with my mother. if I have to hear her complaining and bitching about every last thing all weekend, I swear I'll fucking flip shit. I'm tired of hearing about how her life is the only one who's sucks. everyone should pity her and the world is out to get her. I've gone through feeling like that enough on my own seeing as it's all I ever knew. but I'm trying to get better and the fact that she hasn't even realized that she's a bitch and needs to stfu just irritates every molecule of my being. it's driving me insane and there's no way to get away from it while I'm stuck with her in whistler for a fucking 4-day weekend. yay... 

the sun and freakishly hot temperatures have arrived. so I found my parasol. no idea how this whole summer thing is going to work out. summer= less clothing= forced to be more feminine. the whistles and such.... they can just go away any time. 
try getting people to think you're a gender they didn't expect normally. yeshhh...

keep falling asleep. so tired of everything just gunna go die now. less than a week till we go up. and my cast is still doesn't know what to do. they don't even have costumes. but we have 5 days till the first performances. 

just dream about making everything right in the world. making everyone happy.

<3 <3     

every time I look around.

attacked by the voices. the ones that are real, the ones echoing in my head, my own. they all say I'm nothing. I will never be anything. and there's no place to hide. they keep lashing out, striking me when least expected, pulling me into a state of non-feeling. everything is numb. every touch a little less sharp then it was before, every world makes a little less impact. it's like I'm invinsible on the outside. then looking beyond the skin it's all pain and horror. like a chainsaw hacking away at my heart, acid pouring down my throat, and and my stomach burning alive. the numbness goes away, feeling sets back in. 

ambuzzled: ambushed by the fuzzy blue people in your head. the fuzzies being so entirely hostel. 

every time someone refers to me as male I celebrate inside. just the way I thought it was after being born female.    because face it, it's so much sexier being reffered to as a man.

<3 <3

who has to know?

no matter how much we suffer, everyone else has pain too. that doesn't mean we should dismiss our own because someone else's is greater. it means we need to live ours out and try to understand others. I try but most of the time I get caught up in my own. I bitch and complain about the fact that any time around my mother I feel attacked. there is always screaming and being told just how useless and stoopid I am EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I pretend I don't mind. I pretend that it doesn't drill into my head that I can't do anything and I shouldn't even bother trying because I'm just a fuck up. like I don't hear it from her, interpret other's words as trying to put me down all the time, hear those voices echoing around inside my head, telling me I'm good for nothing. I push aside the pain and try to stop others from having to try and deal with it.

I see the pain behind her weary eyes. there's nothing I wouldn't do to make it go away. I've been there before, on the edge of rebellion and stability. I was never as strong as her, I never had the will or focus to manage to carry on like it was completely fine most of the time. I needed help of my good old friends Mary Jane, Jack Daniels, and some others. I envy the way she can just be so perfect while really she's slipping and hurting. she has my respect. more than that, she has me, waiting to help in any way she needs, waiting for her to let me in. 

we are all so seperate. traveling through this journey, crossing paths every so often. connecting doesn't happen too often. and when it does you're always left wondering, do they feel that too? that spark that brings your understanding of the other into full view. that little bit of connecting that such different masses of molecules can actually feel at home together. 

then again what is home? that sense that seems to bind people to the area they reside? I don't feel it at all anymore. I just feel lost. except for a few hugs, a few smiles, getting lost in blazing flesh. the only way I can still feel home.

<3 <3   

h-e-l-l-o going down to Tokyo, k-i-t-t-y let me slip between your thighs.

queer. why is it so hard for people to just leave it at that? why must there be so many labels that you have to choose from once you take on queer. why should there be any explination? why do you even need to give that much info? 

there is so much emphasis on who's sleeping with who and who thinks what about who that it just isn't worth it to deal with the highschool drama. I'm DONE. no more caring about anything. no more bothering to try and make a good impression. just trying to make a way to feel somewhat forfilled each day. that alone is quite the task. 

school work no longer seems to have a meaning. just pointless shit that wastes the time that could be spent on things that are actually productive. this whole day has been a pile of boredom. nothing happens, just the same old boring shit. the highlight of the day is a rehearsal time after school when I can just sit with friends and let the waves of awesomeness just wash up over me. and bug the shit out of dorkwad. because I can. 

oddly enough it all leads to sex. like everything in teenage life. it's been over a year, and I don't even know if I miss it. I mean, sex with men... it's kinda like masturbation: you get off and you see genitals but there's no emotion, no love. it doesn't feel like it counts. and girls.. or anyone else that's not a cis-gendered male.... just don't feel the need to even notice me, forget anything physical. FOREVER ALONE!!

international day against homophobia in about an hour. need to get a red glowstick.... 

<3 <3 

someday we'll know why I wasn't good enough for you.

this is what happens when I don't have wifi passwords at like 11pm. rawr.

moving is shit. just sayin. as is being yelled at and such, which happens whilst moving. 
nine more hours before I can get away, true school isn't the best place to get away to, but it's better than putting up with the constant complaining. at least I get to be in my own room again finally. third room to myself in 2 1/2 weeks. sixth room in total including the two from this weekend in whistler and the one in Ashland. oddly enough, the only one that's felt like home was the one farthest away. that's how much I don't like my family I suppose.

since this is pretty much done now, what else will be thrown at me? I mean I ony have 1000000 things to deal with. I OBVIOUSLY need at least one more. 

sleep is calling my name, what a lovely mistress she is.

<3 <3 

you fuck so good I'm on top of this.

here we are, moving from place to place even when we go away on vacation. really, is there anywhere I can just feel settled for once?

at least after tomorrow there's no more moving for awhile.. except the fact that we're coming back up to whistler next weekend. fuuuuu
in about 13.5 hours we'll be hauling all our lives to yet another place. although this time there are only three of us dong it. so I'll be doing some pretty heavy lifting. FML.

homework, not check. brain explotion, check. sleep, not check. 

<3 <3 

faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross-dressers too.

so blogger was being a bitch and not working last night. apparently google sometimes fails too. anyways..

whistler for a couple nights. dope. kinda. no, not really. I mean it's nice and all, but stuck with the family for so long and missing out on the only good reason to have been living in ladner to do so.. not exactly bundles of fun. at least there's two beds so I only have to share a room with my mom. for once. 

whistler lesbians.. wonder how many are around my age. it would be great if I could just explore, on my own. maybe they'll have some funky shops where I can just chill and be overwhelmed by the awesomeness. or epic coffee shops. 

wow I really miss the whole atmosphere of Ashland... it just isn't the same anywhere else. 

dysphoria a bay for awhile. 'tis pretty good. prancing around in all my semi-feminine glory. except the fact that it's a lot colder here than back in Richmond and most of my girlier clothing tends to be more summery. fuuuuu. I can't win, can I?

for once I want a girl to curl me in HER arms and keep me safe and warm. most of all I just want a girl to feel at home with, to be my other half. I want to be inseperable so people know that I am hers and she is mine. I want to give her the world. I want her to be more than dreams and illusions in my head. who knows if she'll ever be my reality though. yeahhh..

got married again.. might want to figure out how many spouces I have at some point. a couple husbands, tonnes of wives, a fiancée, a mistress, a sex slave, and a hoe??? something like that.

<3 <3 

there's many things I wish I didn't do.

distance. in a crowded room it's still so easy to feel far away. no matter what you try to do to make the gap between you and the other people disappear it will always just chill there, trying to screw you over. the distance and loneliness just floods in without warning. it sucks.
right now it seems like there is only one person that can close that gap, and they don't really know just how special they are. they don't know how much I actually respect them and actually feel connected to them. everyone else that I see just is kind of a blur. and the ones I haven't seen for a while it's hard to remember that they are real people. 

just want to go run away into the sunset with that someone. we can manage to have a fun time and relax away from all te day to day rush. we could pretend the world is perfect.

there's only one problem: I don't think they want to. they just want to be on the sidelines and chill, not get into some deep bondingness. blarg.

if only stoopid dysphoria would just completely go away. kinda really barking, but not real. 

<3 <3 

everyone's fucked and they don't even know.

I blame myself for everything. it really sucks. but I just can't really stop no matter how hard I try. if anything goes wrong I can't stop myself from thinking all the worst things and that I'm the cause of them. yeahhhh... it's fun shizz.

everything that slightly relates to being female is kinda a piss off today. rawr. except transgirls. cause they're pretty cute. but it's all like FUUUUCKK time to be all happy happy happy. except I'm not. cause of stoopid dysphoria. everyone should just live on an island of genderlessness. that would be great.

really need to find someone who can actually love me and understands how much I need physical touch. and it doesn't even have to be like... sexual. just hugs and holding hands and cuddling and stuff. someone I can feel like I'm actually connecting to because of that. I don't really know what it is but I actually don't feel like the people around me are real unless I can touch them and keep them close so I know they won't just walk right on out of my life. so I kind of have some trust issues... just a little bit. more abandonment issues. I hate being on my own as long as I don't have things that need to get done.

I just really want hugs and cuddles and love. as much as I act like I do, I really don't care about sex. it's just a tiny part. besides sex is sex, it doesn't mean anything unless it's at the right time with the right person. that could be part of the reason I ended up sleeping around for a bit, because it didn't matter, and it made them happy so something actually came from it.

<3 <3

oh shit, I think I just gave away the ending.

this is the part where I sit completely confused, not knowing what anything is anymore. real life is getting more and more like fiction each day. what is reality?? there are things I think are real but then thoughts about them contradict themselves so much it confuses me to the point I don't know how I feel about them. stoopid indeciciveness. just once I want to be happy and know that I've made the right decitions. know that I've analyzed something in my life correctly for ONCE. 

for the play, blocking finally tomorrow. shit, I guess I should actually figure out how I want it. this could be interesting. 

playland. this is brilliant. but why am I picturing it as some perfect day out of a really cheesey sitcom? maybe I don't have a girl to hold close on the more squishy rides. maybe I don't know what I want. maybe I'm trying to figure out what exactly to expect but at the same time trying to expect nothing at all. only problem is, I'm human, I want to have a picture in my head. I want to have someone to win giant teddybears for and tease with bits of cotton candy on their nose or something. so what if I don't have the money out to be physically able to do those type of things. then I just try to warp realitiy into what I want it to be. 

reconnected with my azn LG side a little bit.. it was interesting. this is what happens when I get out in Richmond. but still I overall feel manly no matter what. mostly...

need to make it on time so I can actually go and NOT get left behind for shit reasons.

<3 <3 

please tell mom this is not her fault.

this happens every fucking weekend. I spend time away from people, don't bother with making an effort the whole time, barely even shower, rush through my homework between long tumblr breaks and a few facebook breaks, and generally feel comfortable in my manliness. then it's time to go back..
going back is the worst part. yes, I get to be around people who are generally just awesome, but it comes at the price of my little world disappearing. I like being on my own because it means I can pretend that I'm someone I'm not and no one is there to call me out on it. in my mind I'm nothing like the person I see in the mirror. not nearly as scrawny and disporportionate. I have a more manly way. my legs don't look so awkward, my torso actually has some muscle and meat (and no boobs), my face his a little more scruff and manly angles. but I look in the mirror and I just see a stoopid girl who thinks she could actually be pretty but fails miserably.
I don't bother taking pictures of myself or even let others take pictures of me unless it's to capture a different style of makeup in trying out. I don't want to see myself. I don't want people to see me for what my body is right now, I want them to see me more the way I picture myself.
some people actually do see it a bit. like Friday when I actualy got asked if I was physically a 'dude or dudette' because it looked like I have an adam's apple. I honestly felt whole for a few seconds knowing that someone actually wasn't sure without me having to even do a partcial transition. still, it would be nice to have a more manly body. just feel a little more at home in my skin.

on another note, mother's day. and one of the goldfish is sick.. the one that was our last fish before my mom brought home 3 more babies yesterday. so I was almost rid of al fish but NO, she had to go out and get more. no matter how many times I tell her I want something else. ANYTHING but fish. something I can actually play with and feel like I can connect to in some way other than staring at it and trying to get it to follow my finger... STOOPID!

and almost budsauce's birthday. 16... crazy age, yeknow when sex gets legal and all that shizz. oh, and you can drive. bahahaaha.

FINALLY done socials essay. it was a bitch!!

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guess I should get off her first.

ok. so I got called 'lady' in the pet store. most people wouldn't care but this is me. I really didn't know what to do. one one hand I was just squirmy and being all like rawr I'm a man. and I kinda wanted to scream at the chick. on the other hand it made me realize just how much I hate gender pronouns. which is I guess good...

just took a what gender is your brain quiz...
Your Brain is 40% Female, 60% Male
You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved
I'm pretty much in love with this right now. yes, finally something understands that I really am manly. well, my buddy added me as his brother on fb today too. so that counts as well.

I think I finally figured out how to explain my sexuality if need be. I'm 95% gynosexual. that means I like pussy. the other 5% is pansexual. well... kinda poly, but I suppose pan works. I'm physically attracted to everything but cisgendered men. although I have that whole part of me that just wants to make everyone happy so I could prolly fool around with boys, as long as it wasn't anything too serious. yay.... I'm too complicated.
now if only I could find a way to explain my gender in a compact way..

why do I know so many random tidbits about queerness?? it would be great if I could take all the awesomeness in my head, use it to graduate, and make a career out of it.

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it's gotta be after midnight.

so the rhizome. it was love. met some cool people. people I didn't really remember from last time I met them. yeah :)
ended up with a boy all over me. I has bite mark on my neck and stomach.. funny thing is I really isn't care that much cause he's a random biter like me. and yeknow, kinda my physically male counterpart. and he stood up for my lesbian balls. that's all that matters. 
plus it's been a long time since I've had someone actually be that affectionate with me in a more lusty way, not just cutesy moments where it's all hugs and holding hands and skipping and stuff. 
then there was a girl. an lg, but stil female. XD yeahhh... gropages. she raped me multiple times. in the finger in belly button way of rape. bahaha. 

it's safe to say it was a good night. and completely surprising. I wasn't expecting to get that close with anyone. and didn't expect to be told I'm straight up beautiful and stuff for any amount of time. I like these people. just feel kinda bad for being into chicks only like 95% of the time. and the other 5% going into mostly trans and qenderqueerness. 

wooooooo good night :)

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she works at fifteen clubs a day.

you see there is this person. and their heart tells them to let go of this one girl. the girl who once loved them, but now only enjoys playing with their heart. this girl is everything to the person so trying to forget that has proved to be a difficult task for them. there have been other girls who have told them to just forget her, there is no way she will give them a chance, she's being unreasonable. then they just get confused. they try to do anything in their power to make something change. try to fix things with the girl, try to completely forget her and submerge themself in wayy too much homework. and finally, let any girl who tries to get them to get over her be another object of affection. now they have another problem.. they fall for almost everyone, just hoping something will come from some of it somehow. they have been so alone and depressed over this one girl, opening up and actually noticing other girls again takes them to a place where all sorts of shinanigans goes on in their head. sadly, most of this shinanigans is aimed at girls that don't even think of them like that because of the way their body physcally portrays them. the way that they have a pretty noticable physical sex. it gets to the point where they don't even know what to think and what is real. 
not quite sure what to do about this person. they are kinda screwed. 

there is so much that can be brought together by something as simple as a hug. new people in your life beginning to break down the barriers to become part of your life, old friends greeting or comforting one another, a sudden rush of appreciation for someone in something they do or say. farewells between souls meant to be intertwined in some way, shape, or form. most of all, lovers, set aflame with a touch on the other's skin. hugs are adorable, they're warm, they make life easier to go on with, sometimes they even are that spark that lets you know when you have a connection with someone and should always keep them in your life in some way.

<3 <3 

turn me on I'm mr.coffee with the automatic drip.

apparently people actually look at my posts if the titles are more sexual. RANDOM TIDBIT XD

sorry to break it to you, but there's some random and sappy shit ahead, not... porn or anything.
cookie dough. I want to get some and eat it and it will be yummy and yeah. that is what my brain thinks right now. I should be a fattie BUT I'M NOT!!!

just had a whole OMIGAWDS I FUCKING LOVE MY FRIENDS type moment. I was thinking about how few people I actually trust.. then it was all like dear baby jesus I really love those people. they make me all warm and fuzzy. the sad part is that only a couple actually know a lot of things about me. kinda feel like I should talk to the rest and be all like BAM you should know this this and this and run away. yeahhhhhh....

I actually like some arts of being sick. cause I'm weird. I like sounding like a man. it makes me happy. the deeper my voice goes, the more at home with myself I feel. like I'm not just lying or pretending. I legitimately fit what my mind feels. but it will go away eventually, leaving me all high-pitched and girly.... ew.

speaking of girlyyy..... I kinda realized that these days most of the time I feel girly is when I'm confused/ think or know I like someone and am all happy and squeeish about it. in other words, it doesn't happen all that often. so enjoy it when it happens. I mean, I'm pretty fucking manly. BAM.

*proceeds to act like a cat*

yeahhh... may the fourth be with you... I really hadn't heard that in at least a year or two.. dunno how I feel about this...

dododdoododdodo. I think it should be more socially acceptable for people to scratch other people behind the ears. yes, it may be the little gay test thing from last year, but it feels soooooooo good :") holy shit. I am a cat. no joke. I will purr when I'm happy because I'm..... nikki. there are no other words.

my brain is no longer processing. thankya.

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why Samson loves Delilah.

30 more school days. that means that I have less than 2 months to raise my marks and get everything done. plus only 3 weeks to put together my play. the one thing I really want to do right now. read through it a few times on my own tonight. I think I remembered just why I wrote it in the first place. besides the whole wife thing. it really is beautiful in it's own depressing way. can't wait to be showing this off, although there's so much to get done in the mean time. haven't even been able to get into the actual drama room and set things the way I want them. fuuuuuuuuuuuu. this will be interesting. excitement.

grades. they suck. they depress me. I'm tired of the school system and I can't muster up the engergy to actually get evrything done. 

sleep, it's a very gooood thing. always freaking spectacular. except when she decides to haunt my dreams, that's never good. at all.

just gunna go be a shark with all my extra teeth that have yet to surface. fucking hate teething.. is annoying.

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we'll burn those fuckers down.

election time. you'd think that things would actually change after all the complaining but NO. all that's happened is that the conservatives now have a MAJORITY FUCKING GOVERNMENT!!! are you for reals??? 
I'm sorry, but this is Canada. we are s country of trees and winter and crossdressing homosexuals. get with the fucking program. I know most of the 18-25 years old were too fucking tired and hungover to actually do anything but COME ON!! youth need to get out there and VOTE for once. how hard is it to go to a station and mark a ballot beside a name? or does everyone who goes end up being too lazy to read farther down the list than the first one or two. FUCKIN EH!!

teachers hate Harper, healthcare workers hate Harper, students hate Harper, and anyone working for minimum wage hates Harper. so why the fuck did he get voted back in?? the worst part is that my own grandma voted conservative and was happy about their majority. I'm living in the same house as this woman for two weeks, she gives me almost everything I need, and she does something so against what I believe. it's like I've been lied to. at least my grandpa voted ndp. they want to legalize marijuana. 9 more months and I'll be old enough to vote. I'll be right on the green party Bandwagon. convincing all my friends that they HAVE to vote as a right of a Canadian citizen. jeebus. why would someone who has that power not take advantage??

rawrrr politics and government. STOOPID!! the worst idea in mankind? I think so.

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tonight you're falling in love.

and we're in. two weeks of having not too much of my stuff.. two weeks of living with the grandparents. two weeks of having almost everything in storage. great fun indeed...

anyways.. I'm a lazy arse so I shall go do something less cool and awesome. yes, this was pointless. sorry guys.

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yes, no, maybe.

so. one last night at this house. then off to the grandparents for two weeks. then living in (I think) walking distance to school :) 
upside, easy to get places and shizz.
downside, no time to do work and moving more than once in a month AND missing the fantabulous 16 birthdayness of my budsauce.. :(

confusion everywhere when it comes to living situations and where things are and all that craziness.

not enjoying being back. just want to stay away forever, with just a few people off in an artsy awesomesauce land. just kinda chill...

and being able to breathe would be nice. but whatever, 12g in mahhh ears so I'm all happy :)

roommates moving out at like.. 5am ish. dunno how much later we'll be going. but we have a storage container for two weeks or so. it'll be interesting to be not in a place of our own for a little bit. being able to go visit a few lovelies within walking distance. then crazy-ass moving again. 

love how Internet cuts out RIGHT when I go to renew an overdue library book I forgot to renew BEFORE I went.... 

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