he's fighting so hard to go reeling back up to feelings so long ago. all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and start sobbing. instead he makes an idiot out of himself, with the jokes and the innuendos. it's the only way he knows, make them laugh, no matter what the expense, so that the tears behind his eyes don't fall.
as the year progresses he begins to feel more and more alone. he's losing connections with everyone who isn't in his classes or groups, even people in his school he only sees once a week. that hurts more than anything else. it's like he's pushing away those who mean the most to him, pushing away those he needs the most. he wants to reach out, grab them, and hold them close for a long, long time. he doesn't want them to ever leave his life but they're slipping through his fingertips.
so many times he's tried to convince himself that things will turn out, he's done trying to believe. he realizes he'll always be stuck between these two worlds so that he never quite fits anywhere and no one really cares about him at all. that feeling he's kept feeling since grade 4 and his first school move. every day away this time it gets harder, unlike every other time where every day made things a little easier. he just wants to be back to a place where he actually belongs. he doesn't even know what's going on anymore in life because he can't keep enough of a hold on reality to see what the world is doing, he's reached a sub-human state where life is not even thought of.
everything around him tires him out these days. the only escape from the exhaustion he feels is the many naps he has become accustomed to taking over the last couple weeks. the full shine of gr.12 is beginning and he's drowning a little bit. one day at a time he tells himself so that he has the chance of making it through.
<3 <3
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