nothing he ever does is good enough. best grade in english for years: why is it 1% away from an A? it should be an A. Pull off a 60% in a class he didn't get into until the end of the first unit so that he had to catch up on all that: are you happy with a c+? you better go see your teacher for extra work or else you're grounded. go up to 75% in geo: well it's not an A yet so why are you happy? and then people wonder why the fuzzies are telling him he's worthless. they're like parrots who imitate things people tell them.
he's missing her. everything is falling apart in his head while he waits for some indication that she still thinks about him every now and then. burying his feelings isn't going to help anything. he feels like he's failed every girl he's ever been with. not only failed himself, but he's failed to keep them happy enough to stick around for awhile. he almost feels like it's his fault for everything.
left alone with his thoughts he starts to think about how things would be if he weren't in the picture. he's often flirted with the idea of throwing himself under a bus or hanging himself by tying a rope to the banister on the railing above the stairs. sometimes, on bad days, he wonders if he'd have it in him to slit his own throat or stab himself to death. so many years laying dormant, he almost welcomes the self-hate. he needs punishment before he manages to screw up any other lives by being close to them. although he wishes he could be there to see the smears of blood as his corpse begins to cool. everything just gets in the way so that nothing goes as planned. maybe one day.
<3 <3
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