don't dream it, be it.

he's lacking sleep again, more than usual. he has decided that the two things he wants most right now are purple bondage rope (because 1. it's freaking soft and 2. who doesn't like to be tied up??) and a strapless strap-on. honestly, going to little sisters with Aliza is never a good idea. there always ends up being viberators on his neck. it just happens. but it's so much fun and awesomesauce. although some things raise a lot of questions.. like why would someone want a glass dildo? or one of a fist. really, who wants a plastic fist inside them?? he almost wants to laugh and run away.. but then there's the chocolate body paint too... fuck. gay sex stores: way too addictive. he could end up spending more money than he wanted to easily there. the saddest part is that it's not even really about the sex, it's more about the kink factor and being able to feel more masculine. he might even consider getting a packer sometime soon.  he's fed up with high school theatre and it was only day one of rehearsal. he misses being able to have everything done at least somewhat professionally. he misses productions that weren't all about hormone-driven, heterosexual teenaged relationships. the limits a high school production has disallows for him to be able to really feel like he even should be part of it. drama kids are supposed to be the queer ones, yet they seem to be the least open to him most of the time. every time he opens his eyes the first thing he waits to see is a familiar face. he wants to know that he's not completely alone in the world. he needs to know that at least someone out there cares. some days things get blown out of proportion and he can't remember anything good that has ever happened, any shred of hope. some days it's just a flood of everything that's ever gone wrong, anything he's done wrong. sometimes the voices screaming on the outside aren't as loud as the ones screaming in his head, reminding him just how worthless he really is. it gets to a point some days where he needs to just stop everything and reground himself. the world gives him that tiny piece of mind that keeps him from going over the edge.  <3 <3