he is a dork. he knows this, he knows that his self esteem is low enough that at the slightest chance of something going really wrong and people turning on him he thinks it to be true. yet he believes the things his mind says. he really doesn't even know why, it just kind of happens.
he's so used to people toying with him and trying to make him miserable he doesn't quite know how to trust that not everyone will be the same. he finds it hard to believe people would stick around. he's always half-expecting someone to just flee from his life out of nowhere.
he is scared. he doesn't know if she can feel the same way about him if she knows that he actually identifies as mostly male. he doesn't know how anyone will take it, but he's most worried about her. family has to stick with him even if they don't take it well, but she could just decide it's too much and leave. there's more risk, more that he could lose if she can't just be okay with it. his mouth just won't form the words, it believes that it's protecting him, but every day that passes with "she/her/girl/ect" makes him lose a little bit more of himself. he's beginning to be burried under all the false pretences, burried alive.
the rain throughout the whole day made him want to get outside. he misses the days when he could just go out in the rain and not care how wet he got. the days when he could just lay down and watch the raindrops fall down onto his face. he wants to feel that freedom again, to feel the drops wash away all the bad in the world before it eats him up. he wants to be out when it's raining so hard that no one can tell if he's crying or just being rained on. on the other hand he just misses the cover of night, being on beaches and burning incense and connecting with the world. he misses the peace of a time spent with only the stars, the moon, and maybe another person or two. that kind of bond is bigger than any that can form in daylight.
<3 <3
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