ever have one of those days when you wake up after barely any sleep and the first little while you feel so groggy and almost hungover from your sleep (or lack of)?? try feeling like that all day. it was brutal. honestly, my days are turning out more and more like that. I only snap out of it once I'm done with school for the day. at least on day ones. then I get to actually chill with mr. bone. and the world seems a little more normal.
without her really being in my life it feels like there's a miniture version of her running around in my head, breaking all the connections on my brain cells. like she's killing me slowly and eventually I have nothing. no ability to do the smart things I could once achieve, no conscience, no moral compass, no life. it scares me. she haunts my memories, my dreams, my life. and I haven't even talked to her since. yet. that will all change. soon. just over a week. it makes me want to hurl I'm so nervous.
Chinese is a very angry language. at least it sounds that way, more canto than mando, but both do sometimes. kinda scary when people are partying and chilling and talking loudly in Chinese. like I'm extremely glad that they're dwnstairs right now and I'm tucked away in my room upstairs.
the world is scaring me. I can't go back to my home, it is no longer mine. in less than 6 months so much has changed. at least three HUGE buildings are going up and destroying memories. some of my very oldest memories. everything is changing and it just needs to stop. and then I can't move forward because I don't know what to do, how to do anything. the unknown is trying to swallow me whole.
today I realised how screwed I am for school. 1. I'm failing two subjects I need to pass to graduate 2. if I take them both in summer school I won't get any time off in the summer and I won't be able to do psych which means I might not have enough provincially examinable courses. 3. I don't even know if I want to go to post-secondary while all my friends are worrying about getting into their first choice school. they have a general idea if not exact plan of what they want to do. they have schools picked out, they have their passion. then there's me. I know what I want to do, I want to go off and fight for rights. as far as I know that doesn't pay. I'm fine with working at a cafe or a restaraunt or something to pay bills. not like I really need much anyways. just a place to live, food, the odd thrift store clothing piece, some craft stuff, a phone, and Internet. but society doesn't care. they expect you to have extensive schooling. even the lowest of the low seem to have a post-secondary education. it's all so in the box. but who knows if you can survive on this continent without it, if you can't get a job without schooling.
I had plans with friends, we were going to be starving artists/ writers/ activists together. it was going to be amazing. the only thing to worry about would be getting down to San Fran and getting a name there.
welcome to hell, we call it earth.
hmmms what song is the post title a quote from???
<3 <3
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