you're not lost, you're here.

he can't seem to figure out exactly what his head's doing. all he knows is that his body is doing things that are straying farther and farther from what he thinks that it should be. he's hoping that things will start to turn around and he'll be able to make some changes to make his body do what he thinks it should. somehow, he knows this won't be a possibility for quite a few years yet. he's desperately waiting for his voice to lower, his chest lumps to be done away with, his facial hair to grow in, and to be able to just walk up to a urinal and pee with no difficulties standing up.  in grade 2 or 3 he remembers seeing a drawing on the side of the school. it was of a naked person with boobs and a penis. he remembers telling people that that's how everyone should be, that it was the best of everything. he thought that would be the only way that the entire human body would be attractive. years later he has himself living in a world where such people are common. he could fall in love with any of them, except there don't seem to be many that can afford it at his age. he's longing to find children that share his feelings. he's come to the conclusion that in order to be able to truly allowed to love who he wants, he's going to need to be able to pass as male at least 95% or the time. either that or he needs to figure out how to stop being attracted to the really femmy gay boys. that diesnt seem to be happening though... <3 <3