once you're in you own my heart.

he misses smoking so much it hurts. every time he smells a little smoke off in the breeze, every time he passes a smoker on the sidewalk, every time he hears people talking about the chron they have.. his lungs feel naked and unloved. everything just feels too stressful for him, he waits and waits for a chance to just go for it and have a puff, a drag, whatever he can get his hands on. he waits to calm his racing mind. it kills him that the smokers of the world have gotten such a bad rep, they have such beautiful minds yet no one cares to look beyond the smoke clouds. and the stoners, he misses them, how they are like family.  he walks into the class feeling a little self-contious. everyone knows what they're doing, where they sit. he walks in 3 weeks later and it's day 1 for him, he can feel them laughing. he tries to gain the energy to do something, to feel something. it's no use at all.  he fights and he fights and he fights. he tries to stay away from anything to do with making the school a better place. he strays from showing any positive emotions towards the school. finally he gives in and he ends up in a newspaper meeting. he has memories of the elementry paper flooding back, tugging at his heart. he can't watch a dying paper and do nothing about it. despite every molecule of his being hating everything school papers stand for, he feels compelled to fix it, to help revive it from the ashes. he will pour his heart into it just to see it live. he doesn't know why he's doing this, although somewhere in his mind he's still trying to gain her aproval, make her see he's not a complete idiot. after weeks, months of feeling lost there is an escape. it may just be for the night, but it's okay because he needs a moment to clear the bad thoughts away and just live and be accepted completely. he's tired of the lies, of pretending that people are fine with him while they are really uncomfortable with having any knowledge of him. he needs to let it all just happen so that he doesn't burst all over the place in a sopping mess. he needs an escape to queer.  <3 <3