he was a boi, she was a girl.

today he found out the worst thing about having short hair.. when you buy really yummy smelling shampoo you can't smell your own hair because it's not long enough to get to your nose... he starts to wonder what he should do with his hair after all this bullshit about having to just let it grow out and all that for grad. *shoots* in a way he misses the long hair, hiding behind it like a curtain. then he realizes how much he loves dreads all over again and swears he'll let them take over and cover them in wraps and beads and tie them up with pretty shoelaces and make them beautiful. then he sees all the amazing different dykey hairstyles on tumblr and wishes he had the time and money to keep one of them up. overall, he misses dye. purples and aquas and turquoises and blues and greens all dance around in his mind. he thinks maybe he'll start there, then see what happens. maybe he'll grow his hair out to a good foot long, then start to dread it. maybe he'll just let it do whatever the fuck it wants and be free. the first thing on the to-do list is to grow the fucking bangs out, those things are driving him fucking mad.  he feels okay as long as he can't see a mirror, can't see that the person he looks like is nothing like the person he sees in his head. he is actually slightly shocked every time someone calls him "she" or "miss" or "girl". it's a funny kind of mistake. he doesn't think they're seriously calling him that, they don't think they're doing anything wrong. he tugs at his clothing, wishing he could fill it in the right ways, instead he has curves in girly places and it makes him want to hide. he tries to run from the looks, the words, anything that labels him as anything he doesn't believe he is.  he struggles, trying to scrounge up every piece of female in his body so that he doesn't physically break down with the touch of "grad dresses" against his skin. his eyes try to stay cloud-free, his throat attempts to not close up, his skin tries to stop itself from itching. maybe for a day or two he can manage to not despise the xx chromosomes in his DNA. he longs for that missing y.  <3 <3