let me take you down, cause I'm going.

remember those days in school, the ones where the kids in tha back row are acting up and you can see the teacher slowly losing control? eventually they scream, they yell, then they continue on with the class like nothing happened. living in this house is kind if like that. it's always that awkward moment where you don't know if she's done yelling or not. you don't know if it's safe to breathe. as long as I remember I've had to try to read her mind, had to think of what she would want before myself. everything has been to keep her happy. eventually I needed a bit of a life away from her, I began to sneak out at nights to see friends, to let lose, to stop playing perfect, to finish homework that would never get done with her amount of only accepting perfect. I eventually tried to come out, to seek a piece of my identity that was really me, not the shadows of what could've been for her. I never learned to manage time because in the end I'd have to stay up all night while the dragon was sleeping to get things done. I never learned to think for myself, it was always thinking for her. I never learned to value myself, how to feel any emotion but hate ad shame when I look in the mirror. I never learned to do anything on my own because she never trusted me enough to do it, then all of a sudden expected me to know how without any teachings. I never learned to speak up for myself because that would be sure to be followed by being yelled at, having things thrown at me, or by being slowly told that I'm not good enough for anything.  it became so deeply embedded in my head that I honestly do not hear the voices trying to play a positive role, just the ones breaking me down. each breath of air is a symbol of the pain I've lived through, how many times I've broken down from pure exhaustion of holing myself together.  there's a pile of things that need to be done. at this point he has no clue what is to be done still and what is already done. it all blurs together. there are some things he doesn't even know if they're still happening.  he's lost all faith in humanity, all ability to trust. sometimes the only reminder he's alive are the cool tears running down his cheeks. he doesn't remember how to feel without forcing an emotion.  he was told to give up hope, to move on, to just forget. he doesn't believe that would be a good path. he will keep fighting until he dies trying. the weaknesses in his heart replaced by hope and love until the next time his heart breaks all over again. it's gotten to be almost an hourly occurance. it eats him up inside, but it gives him something to do. <3 <3