thrill me, chill me, forfill me.

so I had a dream this morning. somehow I'd gotten depressed to the point that the only way I would be outside is I someone put me in a wheelchair and pushed me. so someone was pushing me around this little town trying to cheer me up with makeup and dance and water and stuff. except the whole town was made of places that remind me of HER. everywhere I looked I'd just remember all the good times we shared and was getting more and more depressed. then I saw the water.. the had this amazing boat parked in a spot where you could see from all of the town. and there she was, sitting out in the open. then some girl walked by and she stopped the girl, put a necklace around her neck in a super-intimate way, then grabbed the girl's hand and brought her on deck. next time I saw them they were making out. at this point I was honestly dying inside. I mean, one of the main things that she didn't think would work with us is the fact that she's terrified to come out. and seeing her with another physically-female being just shattered my heart yet again. I know it's just a dream, but it felt so real. like everything I ever had with her was a lie. 
the best way to start the day? I think not. 

then as I was packing I found this envolope from English class last year. we all had to write something nice about everyone else in the class. I'd put maddy's and her's on the top because last time I looked at them we were all three pretty fucking close. when I read over her's this whole thing just didn't make sense. she knew who I was, what I'm like, yet she decided after making be fall head over heels for her AND spending so much of my life loving her she decides she doesn't like who I am anymore??  WHAT THE FLYING FUCKCAKES???? she knows me 10 times better than I know her because I put myself out there, she never really wanted to talk about herself and I respected that. I just wish I'd forced her to talk more. so I could know what she wanted a little more, know her a little more. that way I would know what to avoid.

annnd back to the hermit shell.
except NO
leaving at the crack of dawn for ashland. it'll be great. can't wait to just be far, far away from all the drama and shizz. and where else but a freaking Shakespeare festival can I do that?? 
only bad part is the fact that we still haven't found a place. which means I have no clue where I'm coming 'home' to. fuckkkk my life.
this should be interesting.

<3 <3