don't tell me cause it hurts.

breaking the silence.
today I had time to just think about why I wasn't talking. I ended up watching a bunc of videos on YouTube about the day of silence. I realized I wasn't just doing it to support all the lgbt kids, but I was really doing it to stop people from losing hope and losing their voices to two reasons: 1. fear. fear of coming out. fear of speaking out. fear of what homophobic pricks will do if you dare to speak about anything that isn't 'normal'. 2. death. kids are taking their lives to get away from the hell they face everyday. their voices are silenced at the same time as their heartbeats.
if I was born into a different family, if I hadn't had support from friends, I could have been one of those kids. I could have no voice. I could still be that scared girl turning into a complete whore because I was afraid to just stop letting boys have whatever they wanted and go for girls without fear because I truly love everything about them. I could have been one of the kids in the paper having taken my life. I was one of the lucky ones, and I continue to be. the only hate I've faced is the homophobic slurrs thrown around at school, never aimed at me, and a few guys onlie who were just pissed that I wouldn't even consider sleeping with them. 
also, I'm lucky to be born in a country where homosexuality is celebrated and legal. I could have been born and raised in that town where lesbians go through 'corrective rape'. 
it's a scary world. I just want peace. I know just one day of the year having a silent day won't really do much, but it's time to think. I'm going to get more involved. I won't just sit back and listen to people saying things in the hallways. I will speak up. 

today I only got in 18.5 hours of not speaking before my mom started yelling at me, telling me I had to talk. but it still made me feel powerful. and even if I spent most of the day at home by myself, when I went out I had one person read my entire sign and seem interested. reaching just one person made my day worthwhile. there is hope for the world yet.

my mom ruined it, but that's ok. I know she tries and pretends to support me and all, but she just can't. she's too straight and grown up in a time and place where anything lgbt isn't exactly good. it's like there's only the bad parts of humanity traced to us. I can understand that. as much as she tries she will never be able to understand. 

on that note I'm tireeeed. hit me up with your stories, questions, ideas, themes, etc. and guess the songs from my post titles. 
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
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or comment below. 

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