what you want is accident.

he's had so many walking through his life he doesn't know who to let in, who to let out, and who have let him in and out of their lives. it gets confusing after a while, with mass crowds of people trying to take sides on all the issues under the sun. no one knows when they'll set another off, losing a connection that could have been otherwise beneficial. he can't help but to wonder what the reasons for some of the losses of connections would be. he also wonders why anyone would let him into their lives in the first place. some days it seems as the everyone wants to get to know him a little more, yet with too many at once it starts to scare him off. other times he wonders why no one bothers to make any attempt at a connection.  in his current state of coming out he is more afraid than ever. it seems that everyone around him knows how they feel, who they are on a basic level. he's trying to feel the waters, see how things fit with him. he wants people to understand, yet he doesn't quite understand himself. every time he thinks he's figured it out, things change and he's left wondering what it all means. he knows that he isn't female, but at the same time he doesn't quite feel comfortable as male. it fits a lot closer, but it's just not right. then there's bigendered, genderqueer, and all these other lovely variations of gender. they're all fine and dandy, but none of them fit any better. the closest he can come to explaining it is agendered. he does see himself as physically either a feminine male or a drag queen or an androgynous male. he greatly leans towards a masculine identity but with a sometimes feminine presentation. most of the time he thinks that might be because he's attracted to feminine people over more butch people. he worries about how coming out changes people's expectations on how he should act, talk, walk, dress, etc. although not coming out it just as bad if not worse with the assumed cis labels projected on him.  he realizes that he's been going through stages. in one stage he can't eat much or take any caffeine, he's very social and happy and floaty and carefree. this state has him not caring about doing homework or spending more than he normally would in food and drink or offering his food, drinks, and money to others. for a while that state also had him in a frenzy of cleaning and keeping things organized and in certain ways. then he was able to relax, which he thought would be a good thing, and other things happen. he can eat anything and everything, can't seem to be motivated to do anything, feels tired all the time, doesn't really want to talk to people except that yearning for physical contact to hopefully make things better, and even being worried and emotional about everything. then there's the paranoia attached to that second state, where the worst is expected and everything is against him. most of the time it seems to be the latter, although he has gone through his share of the first stage.  it makes everything so much harder in his day to day life.  <3 <3