if you just knew.

somehow everything was so easy to fall right back into. the routine didn't quite kill him, the homework load still doesn't seem real at all, and he still can't seem to believe she's gone. every corner he turns he's still expecting to see her hiding away from social contact, roaming around in her own little beautiful world. it's like she's off on another one of those family trips to somewhere no one else in the school would ever feel like going. but the reality is that she isn't going to be there to make the classes more bearable, she won't be able to be there enough for him to have the will to hold on to his love for her. he'll hide it deep down and pretend every time he does catch a glimpse of her it doesn't send his heart into a spiraling, fluttering butterfly dancing in his stomach and in his chest. he'll be okay. he'll manage to throw himself at anyone who shows the slightest interest in getting to know him, getting his heart broken many more times in the process. he'll love everything and everyone until all he has left is the hope that maybe one day the things he loves will love him back.  he's back. no one can tell him that he doesn't have the body or the face to grow out a beard, sideburns, or whatever the fuck he wants. he'll go back to living in flannel just because it makes him feel as though he might just actually be enough of a man for someone else to see it. he'll silently  cry himself to sleep on the nights where it hits him particularly hard that he'll never have the right genes to match how his mid feels, no matter how much effort and money it will take to trick his body into doing what it was supposed to do. all those nights where he relives the moments where people have told him he will never be a real boy, a real man. the moments where everyone just assumes and calls him by female pronouns even when they can start to understand it hurts him to hear. <3  <3