all the passing piranhas.

he forgets yet again that it is his birthday. he'd think it would be a hard thing to forget with all the birthday wishes, although it's lost all sentiment. he really doesn't know how to feel like his birthday exists, so he tries to be a little selfish and enjoy the day, but it feels both like he's lying AND like he's being a greedy fuck. he just wants to give this girl everything, he wants to see her happy and he doesn't care what the cause of that happiness is, he wants to make it happen.  he's too fucking Canadian to be allowed to function near anyone with an ego higher than the average person. although the narcissists draw him in, give him a power to throw the compliments into since he knows he doesn't deserve it all. he knows everything  he receives is too much and tries to balance the world by giving it to a dominant being. even though that generally just creates a more off-balance world, not that he cares as long as he's rid of it.  another day gone by, forcing him into yet another age he doesn't know if he's ready for. his id is already getting used to do something age-restricted in the morning if he doesn't chicken out, yet he's wondering what the fuck numbers are even for. things should be measured in other ways as apposed to time on the planet in a given lifetime.  <3 <3 

I want to touch it.

and the birthday magic that he feels is supposed to happen just doesn't seem to be anywhere near ready to surface. somehow he isn't surprised. by 18 years the novelty of having a birthday is wearing off. it's no longer a time that feels special or anything. the only reason there's any joy whatsoever is because of the fact he'll be able to drink in Alberta, vote, and buy smokes in the states. as well as porn being legal.  he really doesn't know why he looks forward to others' birthdays so much, if they all feel the same way he does then there's no point to his excitement. he can only hope they all have a bit more joy for their own birthdays than he does for his own.  maybe the morning will bring surprises that will make him believe in caring about his birthday again. who knows what this year will bring for him to deduce.  <3 <3 

all the bridges you burn.

he doesn't quite know what to with everything. life is becoming just too complicated to figure out when everything is. his memory is going way before it's time. suddenly he can't remember the important things in life like which homework is due when and where to look for scholarships. funny enough he can remember the little things she says and about 10 different genders under the trans* umbrella. he can remember the first day they kissed and he can remember how it feels to be falling in love. most of all he remembers that moment when he found out there were names for the feelings he had about his gender or lack of. he wishes that tests in history and bio were as easy as just trying to find the words to put together to come out to a few people who love him no matter what. fuck, he'd give anything to have school and the future be about the things that interest him, the studies of all that is queer.  he'd give anything to know that sometime in the future he'd be able to be happy living in close corridors with someone he loves, not go insane from the loss of his "me time." he wants to fall in love and move in with someone and spend the rest of his life with them. he just doesn't know if he could manage it. he likes his space and being able to think things out on his own and having time to just be the only one there in the middle of the night when the only sounds are the cars in the streets every few minutes and the buzz of the streetlights. he likes to explore the world alone. except he wants the other side of life as well. it practically kills him that he might not be physically capable of having the whole thing.  in less than 48 hours he will officially be able to say that he is 18. he's been planning tattoos for pretty much as long as he can remember, but now that it's getting to be close to time, he's getting scared. he's a little terrified of his mom's reaction if she finds out. he's afraid of the fact that all the tattoos he seems to want are in particularly painful places. mostly, he's afraid that he'll just go between classes and be all on his own when he gets his first one done.  <3 <3 

we can be complete again.

nothing gives him more of a mindfuck than having more emotions thrown at him. he thought he'd made a choice to move on with his life then the past comes whirling back at him. it all just kind of seems to be surreal. living a life between places, hoping to forfill both lives when dividing time. then there's little bits where no one really knows about but one or two people. he doesn't know what he's saying anymore. he opens his mouth to speak and all the words tumble together in unnatural sounds.  he loves every single one of his friends for knowing him well enough to make everything gay and rainbowed and Sherlock. the people he chooses to let into his life are people worth keeping. every single person he knows and wants to be around has reasons for him wanting to be around them. they just don't seem to understand that they are special, beautiful people.  he does not understand the female species in the least, although he does rather enjoy their company and surrounds himself with them at any moment possible. he can't help that he feels like females are a precious prize that once you have gained their approval, you cannot leave their side often. with his bros he can't just be, but with girls he feels he's earned the right to be in their presence.  <3 <3  

find someone like you.

he fell a little bit in love with Sherlock, who then had to die. the feelings building up to the point they burst all over. he doesn't know how to stop the tears aside from happy fanfic. nothing seems to work. he can recognize when he can't form the proper words, when he should be summing up his day a little earlier, rather than losing any energy before anything happens. he made it through the episode, now to make it through the aftermath.  <3 <3 

don't go wasting.

the stage misses him and he misses it, the only problem is the way they were reunited. he expected some sort of feeling were he would feel the stage high, something like how the exhibition round was, but there was nothing. not even the littler nervous jitter in his stomach. he isn't quite sure what to make of it all.  he's a little bit unprepared for everything. school, post-secondary, the real world, his birthday, falling for someone again. it's killing him, he can't even keep his eyes open to bothering working out exactly what was happening in all aspects of my life. <3 <3 

designer drugs.

he lives in a generation where everyone keeps a blog about how they would rather watch tv than figure out what they want to be when they grow up. although he's graduating and his year is the second last before a new generation. his classmates don't have a clue what they're doing besides blogging and devoting their lives to fandoms. everyone who knows what they're doing are either following what their parents want or headed towards dead-end arts jobs. this generation together is bigger than the baby boomers, yet we're too preoccupied with the concept of life we never really get around to living it. we're painting pictures and writing stories of what we expect life would look like if we were to ever join us.  he was asked by a child what his religion is, to this he had to stop and think. it's easy to blabber about not having a religion, not seeing the point of organized religion, even hating religion. he doesn't feel any of that, he just doesn't know yet, he wants to say he's searching without sounding life he's searching for a synonym for antichrist. he believes in the earth and the fire and the water and the plants, he believes an entity existed long ago but has died since the creation of earth. he believes in calming the soul to cleanse one's life. he believes in all sorts of things but not a complete way of religion. finally he settles between two answers: rainbow and sherlock. he has found his religion.  <3 <3 

what you want is accident.

he's had so many walking through his life he doesn't know who to let in, who to let out, and who have let him in and out of their lives. it gets confusing after a while, with mass crowds of people trying to take sides on all the issues under the sun. no one knows when they'll set another off, losing a connection that could have been otherwise beneficial. he can't help but to wonder what the reasons for some of the losses of connections would be. he also wonders why anyone would let him into their lives in the first place. some days it seems as the everyone wants to get to know him a little more, yet with too many at once it starts to scare him off. other times he wonders why no one bothers to make any attempt at a connection.  in his current state of coming out he is more afraid than ever. it seems that everyone around him knows how they feel, who they are on a basic level. he's trying to feel the waters, see how things fit with him. he wants people to understand, yet he doesn't quite understand himself. every time he thinks he's figured it out, things change and he's left wondering what it all means. he knows that he isn't female, but at the same time he doesn't quite feel comfortable as male. it fits a lot closer, but it's just not right. then there's bigendered, genderqueer, and all these other lovely variations of gender. they're all fine and dandy, but none of them fit any better. the closest he can come to explaining it is agendered. he does see himself as physically either a feminine male or a drag queen or an androgynous male. he greatly leans towards a masculine identity but with a sometimes feminine presentation. most of the time he thinks that might be because he's attracted to feminine people over more butch people. he worries about how coming out changes people's expectations on how he should act, talk, walk, dress, etc. although not coming out it just as bad if not worse with the assumed cis labels projected on him.  he realizes that he's been going through stages. in one stage he can't eat much or take any caffeine, he's very social and happy and floaty and carefree. this state has him not caring about doing homework or spending more than he normally would in food and drink or offering his food, drinks, and money to others. for a while that state also had him in a frenzy of cleaning and keeping things organized and in certain ways. then he was able to relax, which he thought would be a good thing, and other things happen. he can eat anything and everything, can't seem to be motivated to do anything, feels tired all the time, doesn't really want to talk to people except that yearning for physical contact to hopefully make things better, and even being worried and emotional about everything. then there's the paranoia attached to that second state, where the worst is expected and everything is against him. most of the time it seems to be the latter, although he has gone through his share of the first stage.  it makes everything so much harder in his day to day life.  <3 <3 

why was I the last to know?

he feels a little awkward when away from home. when he's in any other residence than the one he currently resides in (even his grandparents' where he's known his whole life) and he stays overnight he has this feeling that things are not right. even the first couple months in a new residence. he just needs time to adjust to a new routine, getting used to the shape of a new bathroom, the firmness of a different bed,  the temperature of the air around him. he can't rest easily unless he knows that he is in the same place as his few possessions he REALLY cares about. if things are too different than the way they are at his residence he can't focus on sleeping, can't settle into his skin. even if the window is on the wrong side of the bed. this is why at sleepovers he is usually the last one to fall asleep and one of the first to wake up. he can't stand being in a place without knowing how to interact with his environment effectively. there are a couple things that help him to loosen up, animals that he can pet and feel their heartbeat to help calm him down, and cuddling with people he can trust for the most part.  his other big quirk is his ability to overthink everything. someone grabs his hand, holds him close and he thinks they want into his heart. if they are silent over text or interwebs he automatically thinks the worst, that he's said something completely off, or they have no interest in ever speaking to him again. most of all he overlooks what people's words say, relying on the vibes he gets from them and the way things are stated on profiles online. he tends to think people would never accept him for who he is before he even gives them a chance to know. people generally scare him, he prefers the company of British television characters and books, although with the whole world being quite a social place he tends to interact with many people, using his not giving a fuck what people think to project the things he thinks in his heart into his speech. it gives off the impression that he can communicate with others at ease, masking the torture it builds inside. then there's also the fact that he can't miss out on anything. he wants to know it all, can't stand being the only one without knowledge. he's spent entire nights awake just so that he wouldn't be left out of inside jokes or stories. he's paranoid that every laugh he isn't in on is aimed at him. if he misses out on something he can't handle it, it gets to the point people get pissed off at him for always being there. he doesn't understand when the line has been crossed into knowing too much. as far as he's concerned there is no such thing as knowing too much.  <3 <3 

silence.

every time he goes to go make things work out, make the workload disappear, shit happens. days where he would rather just finish homework, study for the tests that will be happening in the coming week. maybe watch a bit of Sherlock if he has the time to do so. then things happen and he gets dragged out to see his mother's friends for the night, like he doesn't have much to do in his own life.  his heart is telling him to tell her, to get it over with, and to hope for all the best. his mind tells him to put it off for a time when things have no chance of getting too awkward when being forced to be close. his common sense tells him to just forget about it for the greater good of the world. everyone says to follow you heart, so he tries to find an excuse to just tell her. so far he's just been far too much of a pussy to do much of anything about it.  another Saturday wasted, none of the things he needs to get done actually got finished, not that he really minds. it's all a game at this point. he only needs to graduate to get stuff started, not that he's going to completely give up on everything just because of that. he will try, although without killing himself in the process. that's the difference less pressure on him makes.  <3 <3 

can't get no satisfaction.

another week gone by, closer to the day when he'll be 18. he doesn't quite feel ready for any of this shit. he's still too much of a pussy to talk to the people he needs to about the pressing matters in his life. every moment spent without them knowing breaks his heart a little more, every moment that she is near him and they haven't actually spoken about what is going on rips apart his soul. he can't stand this part where nothing is really known, where things are so uncertain. he's still waiting for a moment where everything is perfect, yet that moment never seems to come, something always interrupts before the moment has a chance to just be.  from his angle of life, the world seems a little bit obscure. nothing even remotely fits into what he perceived it all to be when he was but a small child. now that he's approaching the time in which things are starting to set out for the rest of his life, he finds that everything had become more difficult then it was made out to be when he was younger. there are so many things he never even dreamed of that need to get done.  <3 <3 

waiting on the world to change.

in the blink of an eye everything changes. one moment things are starting to look up, the next another one has bit the dust. he doesn't know how to stop his emotions from doing things when people he barely knows have died, people he's only shared a few moments with. his emotions go all over the place for these people, kids robbed of their lives at such young ages. no warning, just one day they're gone and there's nothing he can do to make the pain go away. those kids he called his family torn to shreds again as one of their own has gone to rest in paradise. he's not saying he knew them well, but he knew a little window into their lives. he gets a little too spiritual and can't help but to feel connected to those lost souls.  he's far too far gone to stop himself from caring, he knows what kind of girl she was. the very first time they met he knew. there were about 5 or 6 of them hanging around as the moon was starting to come out, it was a colder spring night. he'd been talking to Erin a bit because she seemed to be the only one who wasn't busy talking about people he didn't know. they sat there smoking and talking, she even shared a little booze just because. as the night got colder he was shivering a little, but his pride would not let him go inside. she took off the jacket she was wearing and forced him to wear it until the group dispersed, ignoring his attempts to refuse it. he made a mental note to remember her name so that maybe they could become better friends later on. that night he added her on facebook, although he never once bothered to strike up a conversation, maybe because she was that much older, maybe because he felt he'd never be good enough to get close to someone like that. anyways, about 20 months later she's gone. he never got that chance.  <3 <3 

the words you want are out of reach.

he can't help but to hope for the best, expect that good things will happen, then be disappointed when things don't turn out as hoped for. on the other hand he should know better, not let himself expect such things from the world. he should expect that nobody would ever give him a second glance, that he should give up on any attempts but it's not happening. he still hopes every second that there will be a moment when everything just clicks and makes sense. maybe he's just hoping that she's the key. blackouts give him a chance to see so much more to the world than he would on a regular day. without the interwebs and lights turned on he notices things about himself, how he lives in the candlelight, who he can be without the mask of technology. he rather enjoys that person he could be. one of these days he's going to need to take off to go live somewhere and he's going to become this person hidden inside. when that happens he hopes society has evolved enough to understand.  <3 <3 

I'd hate to see you go.

sometimes the interwebs aren't a place of endless joys and entertainment. sometimes being online is just reassuring oneself of the fact that no one really notices anything. every once in a while it's just there as a kind of punching bag to let out all the emotion before it kills you. he uses the latter option quite often, forgetting the real world out there in favor of a land where he can sort out his thought far away before he returns to live the bits of life he doesn't mind so much.  everything's telling him to let go, to let her leave his mind completely. he doesn't care that he's bee hinting towards a reason why it would just be too awkward for anything to happen between them, he doesn't care that on so many levels they should just completely hate each other and not bother getting along at all. somehow they manage to have their moments when everything just feels right, so he holds on, hoping maybe in one of those moments something will make things change. he can't find any reason for why he still wants to be a part of everything that is her. despite all the shit he puts up with from her he can't seem to give her up, she can't seem to open her eyes enough to see.  time just keeps moving forward, giving him less and less time to get homework together, his mind to work properly, his heart to calm the fuck down. he just needs the weekend to breathe a little bit and gather himself, catch up to speed. then possibly he'd be okay with life. <3 <3 

that all depends what you qualify as friends.

he can't stand the nighttime depression bits he gets. every night for the most part he ends up feeling worthless, lonely, stoopid, and unmotivated. he's tried to get passed it, yet it keeps pounding at him. he's stopped trying to reach those little fuzzy blue people to form a truce, hoping they'll get bored and go away. he doesn't have actual conversations with them anymore, but he can still hear their voices every once in a while, feel them playing with his mind to try and fuck him over. he wishes he had the power to push them out of his life altogether. everytime he goes to feel good about himself it gets to be nighttime and he starts to let his guard down and the attack commences.. if she knew about the fuzzies, she'd call him crazy and leave him well alone. if she knew about his gender (or lack of), she'd fall victim to those moments where you use all the wrong pronouns somewhat on purpose and help to misgender him without trying. as if he didn't have enough to deal with. then, if she knew what he thought about her she'd both be surprised and an egotistical bitch about it all. there's no way away from all that craziness that is emotion, he's just hoping that emotion could someday be shown in a way which they could be each other's emotion.  <3 <3  

a cracked polystyrene man.

he can't find anything worth being motivated for in school anymore besides law. even English, his true love, he's barely awake during. it's getting to a point where tumblr, doctor who, and oddly taptap are taking over his entire life. he can't even seem to figure out when the switch happened. all he knows is that he hasn't managed to do much reading at all, his AP homework is weeks overdue, and the only writing he's done in months is a handful of quick, unedited poems and a few last-minute articles for the newspaper. he's falling away from the person he is inside in the search for a way to make it through this chapter of his life. if him from last year were to come into the future and see him as he is now, last year him would slap now him as hard as he could. last year him would tell now him to put down the iPod, pick up a book and read, tell him to open his sketchbook and do something, tell him to care about something beyond his tiny little bubble of self-pity because it's not getting him anywhere.  he can't wait to get his hair done for his birthday. he's been having a fight with his hair and his reflection in the mirror for a long time. it's ridiculous how much he's been basing his life, presentation, and emotion on the state of his hair, but it seems to have a deep effect on him that he can't get away from. he'll just keep compiling photos of the amazing hair he wishes he could have, although he knows his mother won't go for any of it, at least he can try.  <3 <3 

just to know your name.

he wants to fit in amongst the boys with their painted on faces, their pencilled-in eyebrows, and their glitter covered bodies. he wants to be seen as that man who is only a few steps from being seen as a girl, but the thing is, he can't stand being seen as just a girl. he wants to be a gay boy so flaming that drag queens look heterosexual. he wants a boy that spends more time on his hair and makeup than any girl he knows, he wants that boy to take him into his arms and tell him that he loves him. most of all he wants a that boy to call him his boyfriend, even boifriend will do. at the same time he wants the same thing from a girl. the only problem is that when he starts to fall for someone, his feminine side kicks into overdrive, making it nearly impossible for people to take his gender identity seriously. he wants to be held and to look pretty, but he just really wants to be her man.  the cold outside his window doesn't seem to be helping the lonely nights go by faster. he wishes there was something to be done, something that could make it hurt that much less. the cold will be the end of him until the lazy days of summer when it gets too hot to do anything. he doesn't deal well with cold or heat. the only reason he enjoys cold more is because snuggling up to someone can warm you up. there's no love in trying to cool down. <3 <3 

going out of my head.

for the first time since summer he goes to get something from Starbucks. it just kind of hits him all at once, everything that has happened since then. he almost wishes he could go back and do it over. then again, things wouldn't have been turning out as they are if things had happened the way that he wanted them to. right now he's actually quite okay with the way things are turning out, he wouldn't change things much at all. except that she's making him feel feelings and he doesn't know how to deal with that since he doesn't feel like things have been resolved enough to feel feelings at all anymore, but his mind wants to feel while his body's getting horny over the silly things she does. it's out of control but he just wants to bury himself within her being.  he can't stand the fact that he doesn't know how to tell her anything. he can't tell her that he's not that 'girl' everyone seems to think he is, he can't bring up the fact that he's dying not knowing how she feels about him. he wishes it would just be a lot easier. <3 <3 

comes like a comet.

one more day in the week until he's free. he has to make it through a quiz and a presentation, at least he has a bit of hamlet to get him through the day. nighttime is the only reason he even wants to wake up in the morning though, the thought of seeing so many good souls together. just being in a place with bois who know what he's going through and spending time with them is enough to make him happy. he's been so alone, even more so because no one really knows. it'll be good to be out and be able to do whatever he wants without having to censor himself or hold back from bitching about pronouns. a new kind of feeling in ways, usually the only time he can feel completely at ease with his gender and accepted for it is when he's by himself or sometimes over the interwebs. in real life he's never really had the chance.  he's starting to get to a point where he feels more comfortable starting to tell people who aren't part of his immediate support circle or part of the group he can trust with anything GSM-related. it'll be great to be with some of that group none of the less, maybe give him the courage to come out a little bit more. by his birthday he's hoping to at least be out to all of the group he hangs out with at school, maybe also  the improv team. he can't wait for things to be easier.. <3 <3 

oh happy day.

he doesn't know how much more they want. they asked for somewhere to go after the last event, somewhere that they could just stay out and have fun, no strings, they didn't want high-energy parties or booze or anything of the sorts. now the chance for that after prom is arriving and everyone wants to just not go. it's an event where they basically choose what to do and spend some fucking time with the rest of the grad class. apparently nobody thought about the fact that this would be the last time getting that much of the grad class together for something chill EVER!! fuck, it would be the last time getting the class together at all. even reunions would have lots of people far away and even a few that didn't make it alive. so there should be more student support, yet no one cares.  he can't believe that he still wants to bond as a grad class so much after all the gate he's had for so many of them. when it comes down to it, he doesn't have much of a choice, these are the people he's stuck with so he might as well make it fun. if he can start to educate them not to be homophobic- transphobic douchebags along the way, all the more fun.  <3 <3 

everybody's working for the weekend.

the madness is taking over, forcing him to use every inch of his strength to keep himself in line. he knows that he can't just rage about how they treat him different based on the fact that he has a female body and has never officially come out as any part of the trans* umbrella. he hates that he has to, that people can't just see that he's trying so hard to pull off a male persona whilst still fueling the femmeboi inside. all that effort seems to be for nothing, for taunts of how he'll never really be a boy, how he should just be happy with the body he's got. he's sick of it all. he runs his hands through his hair, so soft. he hates how shaggy it's grown, how he has no power to stop and just go off to get it cut. like a puppet, he is controlled by the rules, the fear, the conformity. it kills him inside, though he tells himself only a few months of this ahead of him until he can do as he pleases.  <3 <3 

after the way you touched me.

wind rattles at his windowpane, raindrops splashing on their dive down to the earth. the storm is brewing and no matter how much worse it makes his condition he's dying to go out and just soak in the rain. he knows peace in the arms of the world, if only for a moment. he sees the beauty in the water, the waves, the drips and drops. it's like he's found his real home in the lakes and the oceans, yet he can't trust himself to go home just incase he tries to off himself in the beauty. to make up for that lack of trust he seeks solace in the fire. candles, incense, bonfires, or any other flame sparks his attention like nothing else he can think of. brings him a sense of balance in the crazy outside life. he lays in a field, surrounded by overgrown grass, free and untamed. every smile that crosses his lips in this time has at least a little bit of truth behind it. for once he is happy, in this world all alone.  the crisp morning breathes him in, exhaling him into an all new freshness that can only be felt in those early morning hours, before the streets are crowded and the voices turn angry. he could spend his entire life living in those happy hours, if only that didn't mean missing the darkness of the quiet nights. people are told to be morning people OR night people. he doesn't fit into those expectations, he lives for the hours between when the nighttime parties have reached full swing and when the restless workers fight the traffic to get to their same old boring jobs every day. nocturnal, that's what he'd be called if he could spend his hours the way he sees fit.  <3 <3 

I'm gunna have to hang around you.

he doesn't exactly know what's happening at work anymore. found out he was working by being called when he was supposed to be there. that's always great. ended up being like.. 30mins late because last time he checked the schedule wasn't up and his boss didn't email him to ask if he could work like she usually does. at least he gets some hours in. and next week he gets a shift too. always a good thing. although not so fun working when he's getting sick. ended up downing like, four glasses of iced water in the time he was there just to keep being able to speak and not break out sweating. he should've taken his temperature once he got home. totally forgot about that. at least he's alive and stuff.  didn't manage any work on the actual presentation for law yet, not that he thought he'd have the motivation to do anything. he can't seem to do it on his own, not that he even really gives a fuck about any of the shit in the current chapter. at least he's coming up with good questions according to his teacher. he's already done his share of the work, yet he knows he'll end up doing way more than half. lucky if he doesn't have to do the whole thing himself.  he isn't ready to face another week of dealing with school and homework and test and people. people suck, quite honestly. there's a very exclusive list of people that he can stand being around for long periods of time without either feeling completely awkward or wanting to punch in the face multiple times, of the people at school only 3 or 4 make that list. he can't wait until spring break. <3 <3 

do you want to know a secret?

he can't seem to get his mind away from her, no matter how hard he tries. the more he tries to think of other things, the more he ends up think of her. he goes to do things he enjoys, then he realizes he's thinking about times that she did those things with him or introduced him to things. he jut can't seem to get away. in all actuality, he's pretty okay with that, except he can't seem to grow a backbone, she could do pretty much anything and he'd let her just because he's in such a smitten state. it's killing his attempts at appearing more many, but he can't help the fact that she makes his voice go higher, she makes him want to cuddle and be held and make cutesy pet names and all that jazz. she should be way out of him league, yet he's trying with every fiber in his body to understand her world, see what all the fangirling is all about. he's beginning to trust her judgement more than his own. he doesn't want to give up his own values, but she's making it so easy to agree with every word she says.  he can't thank the world enough for having so many souls he can connect to, so many people who actually give a fuck, even if it doesn't seem like they do sometimes. he wants to thank every last one of his friends for making life a little more bearable. life does quite honestly suck, so he owes them quite a bit. his throat is starting to hate him. it just decides to randomly feel like he swallowed razors, or else like the inside of his throat is coated in a thick layer of blood, still warm and sticky.  <3 <3 

has he lost his mind?

he sits alone, the only one awake in a full house. waiting for life to start again. in the somewhat early daylight he sees things in better detail than the cluster of the night before. innocence, so easy to spot, covered in anger and cursing. it's so beautiful, so fragile, it makes him wish he didn't feel in ways that would force him to break it. he looks back on his life, all the stoopid things he's done, the corruption he was brought into in his small town. then he see's her, a city girl, so far from the horny, drunken nights he's lived. he misses that innocence. everything it stands for, all the morals that he could have had to begin with. he doesn't know why he's seeing this now, after months, almost years of knowing the child. suddenly he knows just why he's been able to see her as more than just slogged drone walking the halls, why he's been drawn to their conversations, however small and unintelligible.  a teddy bear holds the greatest comfort in the world. knowing he has something there, something to hold, something to make the scary thought go away, bad memories, overactive imagination. it's all there. the teddy bear holds the key to peace, maybe nobody seems to notice that yet, but he can see it working for him. another weekend, so much to do, be he'd rather just lay down a little while longer and watch her sleep, all defenses down. it's all he can do to keep from going mad. <3 <3  

I won't cut my beard.

he is not allowed to be getting sick. of all times, now is not the time for him to be getting sick. he needs to be healthy and able to stay awake in order to last through the next day. he can do it if he tries. just staying awake.  for the first time in a long time he's actually really excited to be doing something involving other people. like, beyond excited. it's rather amusing. it doesn't hurt that things are starting to look a lot better for the rest of the year in his social life. even if there isn't a hell of a lot going on, at least there are many people he's actually talking to these days.  he's tempted to go about hugging everyone just because he can. he wants to make them all things that they would love individually. he wants to watch their faces as they discover exactly how much he cares to know about them.  everything is beautiful in that moment.  he wishes the world all the best, dealing with the people and the new year and all that comes with it. almost enough to hug a tree, again, because it seems to be quite a running theme for him by now.   <3 <3 

let you do all the talking.

he has a reason to get through the rest of the school week, that is enough for him. he doesn't care that that reason could be fragile, that things may not be how he anticipates them to be, that his heart may not last. all he knows us that he needs to see that movie again, and soon. he's starting to realize that he has little stashes of things from exes: artwork, photos, stuffed animals, jewelry, letters. the sentimental value behind each is beginning to dawn on him, the fact that he can't seem to get his shit together enough to stop caring about them all at least a little bit. even the ones who he has no way of tracking down, no way of talking to, he remembers at least a little bit.  the way he sees everything right now is pretty harsh, he can't seem to see how everything's changed so much, but he's dealing, the same way everyone else will deal. he knows that sometime it will all be over. <3 <3 

if you just knew.

somehow everything was so easy to fall right back into. the routine didn't quite kill him, the homework load still doesn't seem real at all, and he still can't seem to believe she's gone. every corner he turns he's still expecting to see her hiding away from social contact, roaming around in her own little beautiful world. it's like she's off on another one of those family trips to somewhere no one else in the school would ever feel like going. but the reality is that she isn't going to be there to make the classes more bearable, she won't be able to be there enough for him to have the will to hold on to his love for her. he'll hide it deep down and pretend every time he does catch a glimpse of her it doesn't send his heart into a spiraling, fluttering butterfly dancing in his stomach and in his chest. he'll be okay. he'll manage to throw himself at anyone who shows the slightest interest in getting to know him, getting his heart broken many more times in the process. he'll love everything and everyone until all he has left is the hope that maybe one day the things he loves will love him back.  he's back. no one can tell him that he doesn't have the body or the face to grow out a beard, sideburns, or whatever the fuck he wants. he'll go back to living in flannel just because it makes him feel as though he might just actually be enough of a man for someone else to see it. he'll silently  cry himself to sleep on the nights where it hits him particularly hard that he'll never have the right genes to match how his mid feels, no matter how much effort and money it will take to trick his body into doing what it was supposed to do. all those nights where he relives the moments where people have told him he will never be a real boy, a real man. the moments where everyone just assumes and calls him by female pronouns even when they can start to understand it hurts him to hear. <3  <3 

we're going faster.

another winter break gone by and he hasn't gotten anything done that he told himself he would. only did a tiny bit of reading, didn't even start his late homework assignment, didn't bother to even open his sketchbook, forgot completely about his notebook, never got around to trying to clean his room and empty the boxes. everything is so cramped and annoying. he has so much he needs to get rid of, yet never has any time to sort through it all, much less the motivation.  he isn't ready to face the hallways again, go back to the daily grind. he feels like he's tasted something so much better and returning to that life just isn't worth it anymore. there are very few reasons to ever walk those halls again. the main one being that he can't handle being alone, succumbing to what society expects of him is the only way to get the human contact he so greatly needs in order to keep functioning.  he needs to be wrapped up in hugs and cuddles and long conversations about nothing in particular. he needs mental stimulation from those people he meets within the walls of that horrid place. he needs to just cave in and break down, sharing himself with them in hopes of becoming a little bit richer in his lifestyle. the only reason he hasn't made his way into forest living yet. <3 <3 

you're not lost, you're here.

he can't seem to figure out exactly what his head's doing. all he knows is that his body is doing things that are straying farther and farther from what he thinks that it should be. he's hoping that things will start to turn around and he'll be able to make some changes to make his body do what he thinks it should. somehow, he knows this won't be a possibility for quite a few years yet. he's desperately waiting for his voice to lower, his chest lumps to be done away with, his facial hair to grow in, and to be able to just walk up to a urinal and pee with no difficulties standing up.  in grade 2 or 3 he remembers seeing a drawing on the side of the school. it was of a naked person with boobs and a penis. he remembers telling people that that's how everyone should be, that it was the best of everything. he thought that would be the only way that the entire human body would be attractive. years later he has himself living in a world where such people are common. he could fall in love with any of them, except there don't seem to be many that can afford it at his age. he's longing to find children that share his feelings. he's come to the conclusion that in order to be able to truly allowed to love who he wants, he's going to need to be able to pass as male at least 95% or the time. either that or he needs to figure out how to stop being attracted to the really femmy gay boys. that diesnt seem to be happening though... <3 <3  

her baby's queer.

the new year has come, with piles of gays in an entertaining mix. he's actually glad that he was able to get out for a few hours to celebrate, even if it wasn't people he knows well, he still got along with them very well. it was a cluster of arms and legs and other bodily parts and no one was offended by how cuddly everyone else was. days like that are always worth it.  he still hasn't figured out any resolutions to stick to, so it looks like it's another year of just not giving a fuck. it dawned on him before the new year happened, that his birthday would be in exactly a month. how exciting it all is that he's getting to be so much older without gaining an ounce of maturity. although it's another year gone by and everything is wonderful. another day of work, one that would keep him gaining an income into the new year, at least a little bit.  it's getting closer to going back to school, the place where he's been dreading. everything just starts to get complicated once the year changes and it slips his mind to write 2012 on his papers. the complication added into his life.  <3 <3