more and more I wonder, why do I still love her.

with each passing day it seems as if a little more feminine dies inside. each day I am alone without her, I feel like I just need to become one of those jerkface guys trying to get into girls' pants. because really I'm just a total dick like that. I wish I could change, but every time I try I fuck up, hurt someone I love, and end up with everyone finding out and turning against me. I've had so many groups of friends turn their backs on me with just a single mistake. sometimes I wonder if there's a point of even trying. I'm just waiting to slip up again, until I am completely alone. until people stop trying to get close and realize the only thing they could get from me is dissapointment. I try to pretend I have a heart, I can give people the caring they need. but she ripped it from me, stole it 2 1/2 years ago. and now she's shattered it. no way for repair. there is nothing left to try and keep peace. 

little by little I hate this skin and try to get away. I want to rip away any evidence of physical sex. all that should be seen is what is inside, gender. although that is a mystery, changing slightly on the scale day by day. traces of female are starting to feel like burning embers, things to be discarded. but then there will be a single day amonst them where the masculinity will back down and I start to feel like I actually was placed in a body that matches what I feel inside. until the next day. 

these are the most confusing days of our lives. every day to live is a struggle, yet they expect us to be able to handle the extra stress of transitioning from high school life to whatever comes after. these are days where we are expected to a tually learn complicated things, to do extremely well in order to be able to get into a good post secondary school. how can we be expected to do that when we can barely figure out what our emotion at the time is, let alone what x equals. there are not enough brain cells to conquor so much at once, yet they expect us to do it all and don't give a second glance at those who struggle. there is no help for those who are not average. those who do not understand things taught in a one-size-fits-all format. fuck that.

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