tea makes everything better. even days where you wake up ad just want to kill people and then look outside and there's a fucking waterfall and you just kinda sit there like, well I guess I'm not going out today. a good six of seven cups of black tea later life is good. there's hemp, RENT soundtrack, making fun of the chick that replaced Megan Fox in transformers, being a general sap, talking to best friends I hadn't been talking to much lately, and perogies. and turkey jerky, cause that is the shit. don't care what anyone else says, I am a turkey jerky slave.
best friend in the whole wide world has his final grad event tomorrow. I actually get to see him (and meet his girlfriend. I mean I'm not completely freaked out about that part) this is the guy who knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. the guy who I talk to first whenever ANYTHING happens. he knows everything. so many things that I haven't told anyone else, I've told him. if I were to break a bone, I'd prolly be texting him about it from the ambulance. or he'd be there to witness it. I love him to pieces and it's gunna be hard not to cry when I see him. HE'S GONE OFF TO JOIN THE REAL WORLD!! I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. dammit, cortland why do you have to be such an amazing best friend? at least he's not taking off to some crazy far place to go to school. I get to keep him somewhat close for at least another year. then come road trip with me???
sdss grad walk. on one hand I'm excited to see everyone and watch them do the whole ritual, but then again they're mostly going off to do wonderful things and I'm going to miss them all and stuff. why do I know so many of the grads? they need to stop being so amazing. or get held back so they graduate in my year. I honestly don't think there's been a year since before gr.8 where I go to grad walk and don't end up hugging a bunch of people and being all sad that they're going off places and all that. another Ellis sister graduating this year. halfway through the kids. gahhh. so many memories.
signing up for summer school in the morning. loverly. better get second block cause I'm NOT getting up at the crack of dawn for summer school half of my fucking summer. and I might die if heather's not in my class. getting graphing calculator from the twins incase I need one. mo clue how to use those motherfuckers. this should be fun.
lalaalaalala. just going to be a sappy little fuck and go have adorable dreams now ;)
<3 <3
the bits and pieces of a mind no one really knows.. this is the place for my daily rants. almost like a vomit of the mind, except with a little thought put in. if I get bored sometimes I do random lists.. and when I'm really tired I attempt overexhausted poetry. it usually doesn't turn out well...
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
her body's working overtime.
yearbooks. there's so much based around them. all the traditions and shizz. really, it's like a way to say, hey you made it through another year so you should go get people you'll never remember 10 years from now to writing shit in this book so you feel cool now. but then there's me. I just get all excited and want to write everything in everyone's and then I can't breathe and end up with the world's worst spelling. but at least it means that I get to at least try to make an impact in people's lives. a lot of what I believe yearbooks are about is saying things to people that you don't know if you could actually say it to them but you still want them to know, so you write it. so even if what I say makes no sense whatsoever, it's the feeling and hidden words in it that is what I'm trying to say.
so I guess this means welcome to grade 12. holy shit. one more year and it'll all be done. somehow we have to figure out what the hell to do with our lives and actually get started on the path to do it in the next year. and in my case, in order to even tell my family what I have an idea of wanting to do, I have to actually come out to the rest of my family. which gets hard because of everything being about the wedding and shizz. and if it's not about the wedding it's about prom and dresses and all that fuckery. why must things be so difficult???
allergies are a bitch. honestly, go away. when I take drugs for it I hope it'll go away, not just take the drugs and deal with allergies too. breathing would be a nice thing to be able to do. and seeing properly and not wanting to scratch my eyes out. generally that's a plus.
<3 <3
so I guess this means welcome to grade 12. holy shit. one more year and it'll all be done. somehow we have to figure out what the hell to do with our lives and actually get started on the path to do it in the next year. and in my case, in order to even tell my family what I have an idea of wanting to do, I have to actually come out to the rest of my family. which gets hard because of everything being about the wedding and shizz. and if it's not about the wedding it's about prom and dresses and all that fuckery. why must things be so difficult???
allergies are a bitch. honestly, go away. when I take drugs for it I hope it'll go away, not just take the drugs and deal with allergies too. breathing would be a nice thing to be able to do. and seeing properly and not wanting to scratch my eyes out. generally that's a plus.
<3 <3
Monday, June 27, 2011
is it enough to love?
today I thought the world hated me.
I race to get to the bus stop early just to be on time for it going THE OTHER WAY. the bus decides to be late when I'm early.
I made it into ladner without freaking out about being on a bus just to see a girl I was a little bit in love with a couple years ago who now hates me. story of my life.
then the weather decides to be weird and be cloudy but boiling hot so I'm dying as I walk.
when I actually get to the place I'd been freaking out about going no one seems to care. like oh it's just nikki, doors don't open, phones don't get picked up. no big deal.
so I sit in a field hoping to hear her voice, just see her for a little and all the mosquitoes in ladner decide it would be fun to eat me alive.
two hours later I give up and go to leave, just then it starts raining.
of course when I get to my grandparents' house no one's there either.
so once again I go back to town to get some chocolate to make me not hate everything. the only thing I can do to keep back the tears threatening to burst.
in the middle of my feeling sorry for myself someone bothers to actually speak to me.
he sits in a wheelchair, unable to stop his body from shaking. he asks me if he could join me at my table, so I let him. his name is crash. that's what people call him at least.
I expected him to just want to be around people, but he keeps talking, as much of an effort as it is for him. he asks my opinion of his tattoos: a pin-up girl in front of a fancy sword, a diamond with shine, an intracate version of the gemini symbol, and the word acceptance. when I tell him they were well done he seems so happy, like I just gave him the key to complete bliss. I ask him where they were done and he says east van. he used to live out there, used to be in with the hell's angels. back when he was a badass. back before he was dignosed with a severe case of multiple sclerosis. the very thing that left him in the wheelchair and with the inability to control the shaking.
although life handed him a rough hand he sees life in only the brightest light. although he can't remember asking me the same questions over and over he was happy to be with someone who would talk to him. the best moment will always be this moment, and right then that moment was so good for him because he "made such a beautiful woman smile"
meeting crash made me think.
maybe life is shit, but you can choose to make the best of it. thank-you, crash, not only did you turn my day around, but you made life so much more bearable.
emotions get the best of me too often. I overthink everything. I get attatched to objects, people, anything too easily and then I overthink and end up hurting myself with worst-case scenerios before anything bad can even happen so I feel like the worst has happened and none of it is real. sometimes I just need a reminder to take a breath and see the world from a diferent angle. to stop getting so caught up in what every little thing could mean and just live life as it comes towards me. I have one year before I get thrust into the "real world" so I can use if to live like each day is my last and have no regrets.
more wedding stuffs. they got 10lbs of custom m&ms with their picture and names on them. who cares what they look like, as long as they taste good. why spend $200 on 10lbs of m&ms???
<3 <3
I race to get to the bus stop early just to be on time for it going THE OTHER WAY. the bus decides to be late when I'm early.
I made it into ladner without freaking out about being on a bus just to see a girl I was a little bit in love with a couple years ago who now hates me. story of my life.
then the weather decides to be weird and be cloudy but boiling hot so I'm dying as I walk.
when I actually get to the place I'd been freaking out about going no one seems to care. like oh it's just nikki, doors don't open, phones don't get picked up. no big deal.
so I sit in a field hoping to hear her voice, just see her for a little and all the mosquitoes in ladner decide it would be fun to eat me alive.
two hours later I give up and go to leave, just then it starts raining.
of course when I get to my grandparents' house no one's there either.
so once again I go back to town to get some chocolate to make me not hate everything. the only thing I can do to keep back the tears threatening to burst.
in the middle of my feeling sorry for myself someone bothers to actually speak to me.
he sits in a wheelchair, unable to stop his body from shaking. he asks me if he could join me at my table, so I let him. his name is crash. that's what people call him at least.
I expected him to just want to be around people, but he keeps talking, as much of an effort as it is for him. he asks my opinion of his tattoos: a pin-up girl in front of a fancy sword, a diamond with shine, an intracate version of the gemini symbol, and the word acceptance. when I tell him they were well done he seems so happy, like I just gave him the key to complete bliss. I ask him where they were done and he says east van. he used to live out there, used to be in with the hell's angels. back when he was a badass. back before he was dignosed with a severe case of multiple sclerosis. the very thing that left him in the wheelchair and with the inability to control the shaking.
although life handed him a rough hand he sees life in only the brightest light. although he can't remember asking me the same questions over and over he was happy to be with someone who would talk to him. the best moment will always be this moment, and right then that moment was so good for him because he "made such a beautiful woman smile"
meeting crash made me think.
maybe life is shit, but you can choose to make the best of it. thank-you, crash, not only did you turn my day around, but you made life so much more bearable.
emotions get the best of me too often. I overthink everything. I get attatched to objects, people, anything too easily and then I overthink and end up hurting myself with worst-case scenerios before anything bad can even happen so I feel like the worst has happened and none of it is real. sometimes I just need a reminder to take a breath and see the world from a diferent angle. to stop getting so caught up in what every little thing could mean and just live life as it comes towards me. I have one year before I get thrust into the "real world" so I can use if to live like each day is my last and have no regrets.
more wedding stuffs. they got 10lbs of custom m&ms with their picture and names on them. who cares what they look like, as long as they taste good. why spend $200 on 10lbs of m&ms???
<3 <3
Sunday, June 26, 2011
doctor, doctor, we've got an emergency.
being around people, getting fresh air, and speeding down highways seems like the best thing I could've done right about now. staying cooped up at home for too long drives me a little crazy. as much as I protest against the sun I love being outside. under trees lying in fields, running around with animals, even water parks once in a while. just breathing in air that hasn't been recirculated or held in one area for the longest time.
having other people around helps, so I don't just turn completely socially awkward and lose all ability to communicate with other human beings. too often have I spent almost entire days where I just work on a project or something and realize that I've gone without speaking for too many hours to count. it gets too easy to get lost in imagination or in someone else's written words. actual people being there helps so that doesn't happen too often.
the more I drive, the more I grow to love speed. there's so much thrill in the fact with a sudden movement the whole car could be totaled, I could die on impact. maybe too much thrill. taking curves in the road at 110km/hr with traffic in lanes on both sides, where if anyone makes one misjudgement, everyone's screwed. it's one of the few things that still makes me feel alive. funny how that works, being so close to death and feeling so alive. almost like being about to lose something so precious awakens a part of me that wants to fight for it. oh adreneline rushes, how I love you so.
walking into hot topic, everything is pridey and it completes my life. honestly, there were rainbows, stickers saying I'm gay and that's ok, shirts that said pride in rainbow print, RAINBOW FISHNETS, and everything queer it seemed. and Harry Potter, because it's freaking awesome and slytherin stuff is freaking amazing. just wish I had enough to buy the tie instead of just the wristband... and a wand would've been cool. GAHHHH I'm such a dork.
<3 <3
having other people around helps, so I don't just turn completely socially awkward and lose all ability to communicate with other human beings. too often have I spent almost entire days where I just work on a project or something and realize that I've gone without speaking for too many hours to count. it gets too easy to get lost in imagination or in someone else's written words. actual people being there helps so that doesn't happen too often.
the more I drive, the more I grow to love speed. there's so much thrill in the fact with a sudden movement the whole car could be totaled, I could die on impact. maybe too much thrill. taking curves in the road at 110km/hr with traffic in lanes on both sides, where if anyone makes one misjudgement, everyone's screwed. it's one of the few things that still makes me feel alive. funny how that works, being so close to death and feeling so alive. almost like being about to lose something so precious awakens a part of me that wants to fight for it. oh adreneline rushes, how I love you so.
walking into hot topic, everything is pridey and it completes my life. honestly, there were rainbows, stickers saying I'm gay and that's ok, shirts that said pride in rainbow print, RAINBOW FISHNETS, and everything queer it seemed. and Harry Potter, because it's freaking awesome and slytherin stuff is freaking amazing. just wish I had enough to buy the tie instead of just the wristband... and a wand would've been cool. GAHHHH I'm such a dork.
<3 <3
Saturday, June 25, 2011
we'll have Halloween on Christmas.
have to remember that shopping with the grandma is almost as bad as staying with my mom. too much girly, lacy things that my grandma tries to get me to try on. and the awkwardness of how she ALWAYS talks about the wedding and prom and dresses and 'pretty heels' and that kind of thing. blargg. not freaking cool. sometimes I'm going to have to talk to her. it's not going to be pretty at all, but at least I won't have to deal with this shizz anymore.
I wonder if they still have psych wards around bc that are opened. it would be pretty cool to go visit and maybe volunteer. 'crazy' people seem to have the best stories. kinda just want to spend the summer meeting people and listening to their stories. fuck all the movie bullshit. it's nice to see something fake once in awhile, but how much I end up watching movies with my mom I just kinda want to hear truth, see people's actual stories, actually connect with someone right there. and not be called a bitch for being anti-social.
might actually not hate summer that much if I get to do something interesting. yay for not hating people today. :)
<3 <3
I wonder if they still have psych wards around bc that are opened. it would be pretty cool to go visit and maybe volunteer. 'crazy' people seem to have the best stories. kinda just want to spend the summer meeting people and listening to their stories. fuck all the movie bullshit. it's nice to see something fake once in awhile, but how much I end up watching movies with my mom I just kinda want to hear truth, see people's actual stories, actually connect with someone right there. and not be called a bitch for being anti-social.
might actually not hate summer that much if I get to do something interesting. yay for not hating people today. :)
<3 <3
can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
New York state, you make me happy. FINALLY legalized same-sex marriage. they've been talking about it for weeks and now it's passed and it's all happiness and parties. like the fact that pride is on Sunday :) wish I could be there, it's gunna be beautiful. oh pride, how much I love the amazingness. can't wait till I'm 19 so I can actually get into most of the parties considering the only youth party at pride is pride youth dance. really hoping to go to that this year. honestly, the spirit of pride is upon me and everything is rainbows and glitter and fabulousness. EVERYTHING IS QUEER AND NOTHING HURTS!!!
mmm pride = drag queens. they honestly make my life. freaking beautiful and talented in so many ways. can't wait for Vancouver pride. too bad it's like one of the last ones pretty much. all the way at the end of July it's kinda crazy, but it's all good because then you have like a whole summer of celebrating.
behind the scenes pride should be entertaining. might be a little bit dead after the uncle's wedding but there's no way in hell I'm missing pride for any wedding bullshit. I don't even care.
for once it would be nice if something was simple. if SOMETHING would just work out without having to look it over 1000000 times and inspecting every little piece until there is nothing but the flaws in your mind. it would be nice to let things be and have it all fit perfectly. that will never happen though. for anything to be anything it takes a lot of effort. it's just in order for people to put in the effort they want to know that it will all work out and it won't all be for nothing. it sucks, but it's how life works. there is so much that people just don't bother trying to do because they're afraid it won't turn out how they want. I just want the fear to go away, I want to be able to just do whatever, whenever, and not care. I want something to be easy for once.
<3 <3
mmm pride = drag queens. they honestly make my life. freaking beautiful and talented in so many ways. can't wait for Vancouver pride. too bad it's like one of the last ones pretty much. all the way at the end of July it's kinda crazy, but it's all good because then you have like a whole summer of celebrating.
behind the scenes pride should be entertaining. might be a little bit dead after the uncle's wedding but there's no way in hell I'm missing pride for any wedding bullshit. I don't even care.
for once it would be nice if something was simple. if SOMETHING would just work out without having to look it over 1000000 times and inspecting every little piece until there is nothing but the flaws in your mind. it would be nice to let things be and have it all fit perfectly. that will never happen though. for anything to be anything it takes a lot of effort. it's just in order for people to put in the effort they want to know that it will all work out and it won't all be for nothing. it sucks, but it's how life works. there is so much that people just don't bother trying to do because they're afraid it won't turn out how they want. I just want the fear to go away, I want to be able to just do whatever, whenever, and not care. I want something to be easy for once.
<3 <3
Friday, June 24, 2011
the little red engine said I think I can, I think I can.
the last couple days I've had a hardcore craving for cookie dough. or even just cookies. not sure what exactly this means, but I might have to go get some tomorrow. make tomorrow a day where I don't just sit at home on the computer all day. (I mean pshhh I totally didn't stay at home on the interwebs pretty much all day)
really feel like doing something productive tomorrow. seems like it would be a good plan. then again, sitting in a field doing nothing or another interwebs day sounds pretty appealing too. but it's a Friday. and it's supposed to rain I think, so maybe doing things before the weekend would be good. and figuring out what I'm doing on Saturday...
POTTERMORE!!! accepted my email :) I FEEL SUPERIOR!!! no big deal. just stoked about life. and stuff.
so my mother watches stoopid MTV shows about millionaire matchmakers and there was this guy who was 6'11" and my mom's all like can you imagine dating a guy that tall? and I'm all like I can't even imagine me dating a guy, let alone a fucking giant. just saying.
need bonfire to burn a bunch of school stuff I'll never use again. like physics, and things I got really bad marks on. which might be the majority of my work, but whateverrrrr :)
on a side note, got about 6 or 7 new followers on tumblr today. most of them I think were spam accounts trying to get you to take the iq test-virus thing. not as loved as I thought I was today...
<3 <3
really feel like doing something productive tomorrow. seems like it would be a good plan. then again, sitting in a field doing nothing or another interwebs day sounds pretty appealing too. but it's a Friday. and it's supposed to rain I think, so maybe doing things before the weekend would be good. and figuring out what I'm doing on Saturday...
POTTERMORE!!! accepted my email :) I FEEL SUPERIOR!!! no big deal. just stoked about life. and stuff.
so my mother watches stoopid MTV shows about millionaire matchmakers and there was this guy who was 6'11" and my mom's all like can you imagine dating a guy that tall? and I'm all like I can't even imagine me dating a guy, let alone a fucking giant. just saying.
need bonfire to burn a bunch of school stuff I'll never use again. like physics, and things I got really bad marks on. which might be the majority of my work, but whateverrrrr :)
on a side note, got about 6 or 7 new followers on tumblr today. most of them I think were spam accounts trying to get you to take the iq test-virus thing. not as loved as I thought I was today...
<3 <3
Thursday, June 23, 2011
your body's cold, but girl, we're getting so warm.
allergies. they be busting my balls. seems like the world wants to hate on me today. thought if I was taping with a thinner tape I could wind in around the posts of my earrings a few more times.. guess not. overstretched and painful as fuck. just hoping I don't have a blowout. really not wanting to go back down to a 16g or 14g. I can deal with a 12g I suppose, but if I have to go below that I'm just gunna let them try to heal around a bigger gage. almost at a 10g and then shizz goes down. which sucks, cause I'm hoping to be at an 8g at the smallest at the end of the summer. I'd prefer a 6g by then. by Christmas or my birthday at the very latest I want to get up to a 2g and then I'm done stretching. big enough for awesomesause plugs is good enough for me. just hoping to actually get there without completely fucking up my ears..
then of course even with allergy pills I have a super shitty allergic reaction day where the whole bloody day, no matter how many pills I take, I sneeze like crazy. at least I had sunglasses on most of the time so my eyes isn't get bad. but the sneezing got to the point where my entire back and neck are in pain. loverly. as if I didn't want to actually do things today instead of watch friends I haven't seen in forever have fun.
now that the glasses have been off for awhile my eyes are starting to puff up. really hating summer. go away fucking cottonwood and stuffs!!!
but it's all good cause I'm done science for the rest of my life and only have a month of math until I never have to do math again either. THIS IS GLORIOUS!!! and yeknow... being in gr.12 and dealing with all the post-secondary shit and all sorts of shinanigans.
<3 <3
then of course even with allergy pills I have a super shitty allergic reaction day where the whole bloody day, no matter how many pills I take, I sneeze like crazy. at least I had sunglasses on most of the time so my eyes isn't get bad. but the sneezing got to the point where my entire back and neck are in pain. loverly. as if I didn't want to actually do things today instead of watch friends I haven't seen in forever have fun.
now that the glasses have been off for awhile my eyes are starting to puff up. really hating summer. go away fucking cottonwood and stuffs!!!
but it's all good cause I'm done science for the rest of my life and only have a month of math until I never have to do math again either. THIS IS GLORIOUS!!! and yeknow... being in gr.12 and dealing with all the post-secondary shit and all sorts of shinanigans.
<3 <3
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
technicolour lover, take my heart.
provincials. why the fuck do they have the power to make me just want to fall asleep the rest of the day?? honestly, get home at like 4ish. take nap at 7. wake up at 11. get ready for bed. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY??? it wouldn't be so bad if I knew I hadn't been sleeping properly, but no I oversleep all the freaking time and I'm tired. I don't understand.
so not fair that in movies little 12-year-old boys with no trainning whatsoever can do legit makeup. like full on zombies and shit. I wish I was a 12-year-old boy with that much skill... well maybe not 12.. but still, not fair.
sleeping in tomorrow sounds like a plan. mmmm I like sleeping in. and muffins. mmm.
<3 <3
so not fair that in movies little 12-year-old boys with no trainning whatsoever can do legit makeup. like full on zombies and shit. I wish I was a 12-year-old boy with that much skill... well maybe not 12.. but still, not fair.
sleeping in tomorrow sounds like a plan. mmmm I like sleeping in. and muffins. mmm.
<3 <3
Monday, June 20, 2011
I swear I will help you, I will.
it seems when we most need things to stay the same they start changing in all sorts of ways, but when we actually need change it stays exactly the same, or changes in the worst way possible. life likes to fuck people over.
so we try to be prepared for changes even when it's the worst possible timing. and in that being prepared the rest of our life seems to be put on hold.
right now I can't decide if it's more important to unpack the last few boxes so I have the space to calm down and actually get things done or hold onto my fear of having to move again and leave it all so I don't have to unpack yet again. it's like being between worlds. I know I need to sort through it all and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but that scares me too. like losing another piece of my childhood. I've lost my home, hometown, friends I'd see everyday, innocence, and the majority of the possessions that remind me of those times. I don't want to part with those last bits for fear that with them will go the memories. most people have enough space and a stable family to store these type of things. I've been shuffled around and there's no safe place to hide them for when I grow older and want to look back. everything seems to hold such sentimental value that I get overwhelmed and don't know how to even begin in setting things up in a practical way.
I know people who've only had one, two, maybe three homes in their lifetimes. I can count twelve that I know where they are. it's unsettling. the places that hold memories are stretched out at so many places that they blend together. the word home has no value.
the past three years have felt like a big blur of emotionlessness. just being a drone fueled only by trying to catch sudden rushes of danger or pain or pleasure. it's draining, not feeling anything unless there's some sort of excitement. almost like one looooong day that never seems to end. there is no way to rest no matter how much sleep I get. always coming back to the same space of emptiness. not really living, just watching life go by. waiting for something that will just pass by because of lack of planning. there are small escapes, though only a very few people hold the key. try to cherrish them and never let them leave.
the only other option is to be left sleepwalking through life.
it seems impossible to capture the beauty of everything. it's there, it has potential, just not many take the time to admire it. very few bother to give in and let it take their breath away, give themselves over to it completely. I wish I could say I was one of these few, but that would be a lie. I can only do so on the odd occation. unfortunately the mindless rush of everyday life, going to and fro doing pointless tasks, has consumed a good portion or my soul. one can only take so many years of being beaten to fit a mould before there are no ther options. no matter how much they struggle to and be free. hopefully there will come a time when my souls can heal and see the full beauty of everything once again, in full burst.
<3 <3
so we try to be prepared for changes even when it's the worst possible timing. and in that being prepared the rest of our life seems to be put on hold.
right now I can't decide if it's more important to unpack the last few boxes so I have the space to calm down and actually get things done or hold onto my fear of having to move again and leave it all so I don't have to unpack yet again. it's like being between worlds. I know I need to sort through it all and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but that scares me too. like losing another piece of my childhood. I've lost my home, hometown, friends I'd see everyday, innocence, and the majority of the possessions that remind me of those times. I don't want to part with those last bits for fear that with them will go the memories. most people have enough space and a stable family to store these type of things. I've been shuffled around and there's no safe place to hide them for when I grow older and want to look back. everything seems to hold such sentimental value that I get overwhelmed and don't know how to even begin in setting things up in a practical way.
I know people who've only had one, two, maybe three homes in their lifetimes. I can count twelve that I know where they are. it's unsettling. the places that hold memories are stretched out at so many places that they blend together. the word home has no value.
the past three years have felt like a big blur of emotionlessness. just being a drone fueled only by trying to catch sudden rushes of danger or pain or pleasure. it's draining, not feeling anything unless there's some sort of excitement. almost like one looooong day that never seems to end. there is no way to rest no matter how much sleep I get. always coming back to the same space of emptiness. not really living, just watching life go by. waiting for something that will just pass by because of lack of planning. there are small escapes, though only a very few people hold the key. try to cherrish them and never let them leave.
the only other option is to be left sleepwalking through life.
it seems impossible to capture the beauty of everything. it's there, it has potential, just not many take the time to admire it. very few bother to give in and let it take their breath away, give themselves over to it completely. I wish I could say I was one of these few, but that would be a lie. I can only do so on the odd occation. unfortunately the mindless rush of everyday life, going to and fro doing pointless tasks, has consumed a good portion or my soul. one can only take so many years of being beaten to fit a mould before there are no ther options. no matter how much they struggle to and be free. hopefully there will come a time when my souls can heal and see the full beauty of everything once again, in full burst.
<3 <3
Sunday, June 19, 2011
it's gunna be alright.
longest I've had a girly moment for over a year. lasted about 28 hours so far... who knows how much longer it will go on for. I was even close to painting my nails. I don't understand how such a big shift has happened. and that it hasn't even started to go back yet. I was called 'girl' at least 5 times today and I didn't even mind. I might even have to go track down all my glitter if this keeps up. because yes, I do have a shit-ton of glitter like all good 90s kids should.
rawr everything is confusing.
physics pretty much first thing in the morning tomorrow. so not stoked. at least it'll be over with and I'll never have to worry about physics again. fucking physics. the chapters which where stuff I'm actually good at we didn't even cover, but the stuff that confuses the fuck out of me we did. that's like my entire life. two days and I'm done for the rest of the month.
more wedding talk since we saw my uncle and his fiancé today. less than a month and a half away. apparently I'll actually have to be in some pictures maybe. FUUUUUCK. was hoping for no documentation of me in a dress on a day that I have no idea where on the gender spectrum I'll be. at least I don't have to be up at the crack of dawn so my mom can get hair and makeup at 6.30
but because of that I might end up having to do it for her.. unless the maid of honor and my mom figure someplace out to get theirs done together. there is no end to how much I'm not looking forward to this wedding.
<3 <3
rawr everything is confusing.
physics pretty much first thing in the morning tomorrow. so not stoked. at least it'll be over with and I'll never have to worry about physics again. fucking physics. the chapters which where stuff I'm actually good at we didn't even cover, but the stuff that confuses the fuck out of me we did. that's like my entire life. two days and I'm done for the rest of the month.
more wedding talk since we saw my uncle and his fiancé today. less than a month and a half away. apparently I'll actually have to be in some pictures maybe. FUUUUUCK. was hoping for no documentation of me in a dress on a day that I have no idea where on the gender spectrum I'll be. at least I don't have to be up at the crack of dawn so my mom can get hair and makeup at 6.30
but because of that I might end up having to do it for her.. unless the maid of honor and my mom figure someplace out to get theirs done together. there is no end to how much I'm not looking forward to this wedding.
<3 <3
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I'm a loser, baby, why don't you kill me?
it's sad how addicted to technology humans have become. everything is based on how many facebook friends you have, what tv shows you watch, how many movies you see with friends. even when people are together try constantly update statuses, post pictures, call other people to make sure everyone knows that they're actually with a friend. there has to be evidence somewhere on the Internet for things to be real. how many people these days could survive without technology? I'm not saying that I'm any better, it's just sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't really watch tv or movies all that much. like I'm the only one who can go days without texting or even touching my phone. I just want to live. see the world for what it realy is, not worry about anything technology-related. dance in the rain, have actual conversations with people, discover the world around me. but whenever I want to do such things it seems everyone else has their heads stuck in some piece of technology. then I confide in my friend the Internet to try and fill the void left by the real world and slowly it seems I'd rather do that than even try to really live anymore. it saddens me. is there anyone else out there who still wants to explore the little bits and pieces of the world??
I'm not trying to seem any different than the rest, I know I really am not, it's just that it seems I'm the only one who isn't completely given over to this new age. I managed to stay far enough back in time that my WHOLE life isn't dedicated to this bullshit.
people aren't their own people anymore, I know I'm one of the worst for this. we hang out in groups of people, with each group we mold to be somethng that is like the others in the group. we are all just pieces of everyone around us put together. whenever we spend more time with one person we end up taking on more of their mannerisms in almost all of our personalities throughout the groups. it's a deadly cycle. I've been pretty bad for this for the last 8 years or so. I wish I could help it.
when I meet people that fascinate me I tend to take on bits of them, trying to be as interesting as them. although it never really works. at the end of the day I'm still just a boring fake. stripping away the layers I've put up takes time, but maybe one day I'll figure it out.
<3 <3
I'm not trying to seem any different than the rest, I know I really am not, it's just that it seems I'm the only one who isn't completely given over to this new age. I managed to stay far enough back in time that my WHOLE life isn't dedicated to this bullshit.
people aren't their own people anymore, I know I'm one of the worst for this. we hang out in groups of people, with each group we mold to be somethng that is like the others in the group. we are all just pieces of everyone around us put together. whenever we spend more time with one person we end up taking on more of their mannerisms in almost all of our personalities throughout the groups. it's a deadly cycle. I've been pretty bad for this for the last 8 years or so. I wish I could help it.
when I meet people that fascinate me I tend to take on bits of them, trying to be as interesting as them. although it never really works. at the end of the day I'm still just a boring fake. stripping away the layers I've put up takes time, but maybe one day I'll figure it out.
<3 <3
the place that I met you for the 97th time.
sometimes you think you really know people, that you can actually understand where they're coming from, what's going on in their life, what they would do in situations. then you think about it for awhile. what the fuck do any of us know about anyone else? even people we've known for years, seen almost every day most of our lives. we don't know them. we may know stories, we may know what kind of things would represent them. we may even know what they would be doing at any given time. but we never know who they really are, what their innermost thoughts would be. even some stoopid things like some of their favorites we may never learn unless we actually ask them. it's nearly impossible to know someone else unless you are with them at every moment of their life and talk about anything that ever pops into their mind. or if you can read their mind.
thats what makes people so interesting. a person is this whole other life filled with everything you are, but in different ways. they have a different way of everything and it can either be appealing or revolting. sometimes you know which when you first meet someone, or even see them. sometimes it takes years of trying to get to know them a little to figure it out. but usualy you know in the first few meetings or so. as a species, people tend to base too much on first appearances. which sucks when someone that you would've gotten along with any other day comes along, but they're having a bad day and end up taking it out on you or something and everything is thrown off because of that first meeting.
on one hand I love people. hearing the life stories, the entertainment of having someone so different around, learning from them. but then I also hate people. what they're capable of, how they can just not care about things that mean so much to others, the hate, that we can't all get along.
I can never quite make up my mind. that's ok though. I generally end up contradicting myself by the time I'm finished saying things anyways. I'm just that much of a loser.
as humans we usually seek connections with other beings to allow us to grow and feel loved and just become a bigger cluster of people. we want to be all together. we want to know each other.
but there are times when that just gets to be too much and we just want to step back and be alone and think things over and just BE. without judgement, without trying to impress, without having to communicate.
<3 <3
thats what makes people so interesting. a person is this whole other life filled with everything you are, but in different ways. they have a different way of everything and it can either be appealing or revolting. sometimes you know which when you first meet someone, or even see them. sometimes it takes years of trying to get to know them a little to figure it out. but usualy you know in the first few meetings or so. as a species, people tend to base too much on first appearances. which sucks when someone that you would've gotten along with any other day comes along, but they're having a bad day and end up taking it out on you or something and everything is thrown off because of that first meeting.
on one hand I love people. hearing the life stories, the entertainment of having someone so different around, learning from them. but then I also hate people. what they're capable of, how they can just not care about things that mean so much to others, the hate, that we can't all get along.
I can never quite make up my mind. that's ok though. I generally end up contradicting myself by the time I'm finished saying things anyways. I'm just that much of a loser.
as humans we usually seek connections with other beings to allow us to grow and feel loved and just become a bigger cluster of people. we want to be all together. we want to know each other.
but there are times when that just gets to be too much and we just want to step back and be alone and think things over and just BE. without judgement, without trying to impress, without having to communicate.
<3 <3
Friday, June 17, 2011
I'll be standing in a corner.
finally done. just two easier tests to go and I'll be done school. except summer school but whatever. jut kinda had a bit of a coma, should prolly get out of bed and do something productive.
tried to start explaining why I have a genuine dislike for the word 'lesbian'. the way the word sounds is just too flowy and girly and.. final. it's like anouncing to the world that you are shoving yourself in the cis-gendered female box and will only ever be attracted to people you meet in that box. I feel anything but cis-gendered and female is something I rarely use to describe myself unless it's saying female-bodied. plus I love transpeoples and genderqueers and such. I just have a promblem being even the tiniest bit attracted to cis-gendered males that don't have an androgynous look.
the problem with cis-gendered males is that I honestly can't feel anything for them. yes, if we're frends I can feel that, but anything more and it's like I'm numb. even having sex, the only way I feel anything is if it's extremely kinky and crazy. and I mean like HUGE marks left behind. bleeding scratchmarks, bitemarks that leave bruises for days, anything dangerous.
with cis-gendered females even holding their hand I feel more than just plain sex with their male counterparts. unfortunately no one else has ever really been interested in me so I wouldn't know, but at least I'm attracted to them. that can go a long way.
<3 <3
tried to start explaining why I have a genuine dislike for the word 'lesbian'. the way the word sounds is just too flowy and girly and.. final. it's like anouncing to the world that you are shoving yourself in the cis-gendered female box and will only ever be attracted to people you meet in that box. I feel anything but cis-gendered and female is something I rarely use to describe myself unless it's saying female-bodied. plus I love transpeoples and genderqueers and such. I just have a promblem being even the tiniest bit attracted to cis-gendered males that don't have an androgynous look.
the problem with cis-gendered males is that I honestly can't feel anything for them. yes, if we're frends I can feel that, but anything more and it's like I'm numb. even having sex, the only way I feel anything is if it's extremely kinky and crazy. and I mean like HUGE marks left behind. bleeding scratchmarks, bitemarks that leave bruises for days, anything dangerous.
with cis-gendered females even holding their hand I feel more than just plain sex with their male counterparts. unfortunately no one else has ever really been interested in me so I wouldn't know, but at least I'm attracted to them. that can go a long way.
<3 <3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I'm a sinner, you're a saint.
pretty much come to the conclution that almost everyone else but me seems to know what's going on in my life. people assume things and just generally think they know things. surprise, I don't even know. the past few months or so I've just given up trying to figure things out and gone by what I feel. do what you love and fuck the rest. so what if I'm failing math and I need 50% on my final tomorrow to get into summer school. I hate math, I can try my best, but if I get the 50% I get it, if not whatever. at this point I haven't even bothered to put in any conscience effort into anything really. I'm just leaving it up to what I can do on my own without breaking my brain. summer brain is already here and I ain't even mad. I'm just done with everything, this year, highschool, living anywhere in the vacinity of my mother, trying to figure out how to feel comfortable with the whole gender thing, this city. I just want to get on a spaceship that takes me far away where I don't have to worry about things like that much at all. but that won't happen.
the last actual school day. I don't know how I feel about it. I thought it would never come at the beginning of the year, but the year passed by so quickly it's scary. no more science. no more languages. it's terrifying. at the same time I'll miss it. this summer is the one I've been least looking forward to for what's going on. summer school for the very first time IF I can get into it, my uncle's wedding (as if she hadn't taken him away from me enough as it is. my uncle's the only one who I've never hated for any period of time whatsoever.) and then trying to get back into tsawwassen life when they've moved on and grown so close and I've run away to this other city. it's like I've been disowned, like I don't share the connections with them anymore.
I should feel something about this year ending but I'm in shock. I barely feel like there's enough time to breathe, let alone wrap my mind around everything that's happening. not even just the school stuff. I have to figure things out eventually, preferably soon, and I can't be bothered to even think about it other than playing it by ear.
this summer means a lot of figuring everything out. the last summer before I will be propelled out into the real world, and I still haven't been able to find a single job that wants me. more learning than I'll ever get in school.
Canucks. not even going to say much. they lost. badly. people are idiots. apparently there were deaths at the riot. and the bank got smashed in along with multiple cars and possesions. oooops, guess people don't know how to let go...
<3 <3
the last actual school day. I don't know how I feel about it. I thought it would never come at the beginning of the year, but the year passed by so quickly it's scary. no more science. no more languages. it's terrifying. at the same time I'll miss it. this summer is the one I've been least looking forward to for what's going on. summer school for the very first time IF I can get into it, my uncle's wedding (as if she hadn't taken him away from me enough as it is. my uncle's the only one who I've never hated for any period of time whatsoever.) and then trying to get back into tsawwassen life when they've moved on and grown so close and I've run away to this other city. it's like I've been disowned, like I don't share the connections with them anymore.
I should feel something about this year ending but I'm in shock. I barely feel like there's enough time to breathe, let alone wrap my mind around everything that's happening. not even just the school stuff. I have to figure things out eventually, preferably soon, and I can't be bothered to even think about it other than playing it by ear.
this summer means a lot of figuring everything out. the last summer before I will be propelled out into the real world, and I still haven't been able to find a single job that wants me. more learning than I'll ever get in school.
Canucks. not even going to say much. they lost. badly. people are idiots. apparently there were deaths at the riot. and the bank got smashed in along with multiple cars and possesions. oooops, guess people don't know how to let go...
<3 <3
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
should I get up and fix myself a drink?
I love how the second I walk into the back room of the library both librarians end up talking about queer things. it's like OH NIKKI'S HERE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE GAYEST THING YOU CAN THINK OF!!! they see me, talk about my hair. I walk into room, they talk about my play. then that turns into talking about how my school is pretty accepting of gays, especially chicks. it was honestly like they were trying to convince me there is no need for a GSA because everything's all good. which is kinda scary. yes, lesbians have it super easy, and gays are pretty much not even given a second glance in a bad way. the thing they're missing out on is that the kids in the school are really uneducated. the don't realize what it means when they constantly say "that's so gay" and "no homo" and that kind of shizz. and the gr.8s really need to know these things before they turn into something bigger and more likely to cause pain in the lgbt community. and then there's anyone who isn't cis-gendered. the school has NO expirience whatsoever with that. trying to break the cis-gender mold I get torn down, told there's no way I could ever be a guy or manly in any way. people aren't inside my head and they don't know what it feels like. they see the body and expect the being to match it. it doesn't always work that way. it really doesn't work like that at all with me. one more year of the bullshit called highschool...
for the first time in five years I don't actually hate myself. since gr.6 I've had issues with myself. I'd want to run away and be someone else as long as they were anyone but me. every chance I got I'd tear myself down. but for the last couple days or so it's changed. I can look in a mirror and actually think I'm kinda not horrible looking instead of tearing apart every imperfection and hating everything to do with myself. it's great. I get along with myself pretty much. and I can actually feel normal in my skin. the desire to rip off all my flesh and hope to regrow some pretty flesh is gone. just going to hope this lasts.
<3 <3
for the first time in five years I don't actually hate myself. since gr.6 I've had issues with myself. I'd want to run away and be someone else as long as they were anyone but me. every chance I got I'd tear myself down. but for the last couple days or so it's changed. I can look in a mirror and actually think I'm kinda not horrible looking instead of tearing apart every imperfection and hating everything to do with myself. it's great. I get along with myself pretty much. and I can actually feel normal in my skin. the desire to rip off all my flesh and hope to regrow some pretty flesh is gone. just going to hope this lasts.
<3 <3
Monday, June 13, 2011
teach you how to be a holy cow.
I've been thinking about my brother lately.. I miss him. even if we didn't really see each other much the last couple years or so that he was alive it would be nice to know that there is someone who I could just chill with and talk to about manly things. the worst part is that right around when he was killed I was wanting to get back in contact with him. I didn't really care if our parents weren't together and that he wasn't even speaking to his dad. I just missed my big brother. I looked up to him growing up, I fucking idolized him, and someone like that can only dissapear from your life for so long before you want to do anything in your power to be with them as much as possible. that could be a big factor in how much his death screwed me up. he would've been 24 now... 2 years and almost 8 months ago. it still hurts. to this day, the day he called me his sister is one of my proudest moments ever.
why do things have to be so hard? it seems like all my emotions are just popping out of nowhere and every major thing I've ever felt is surfacing for a little while. some a little bit longer. it almost feels out of control, but at least there is some sort of control even if it's hard to see. this should be entertaining.
going with my whole gender lackingness I've decided on a few things. I really don't like most female pronouns, I'd prefer a singular they or male pronouns. although I doubt anyone will give two shits what I want. I can stand same female-typed words like 'dyke', but the more commonly used 'lesbian' makes my skin crawl. also in relationships I'd much rather be referred to as a 'boifriend' than a 'girlfriend'. then again, who the fuck even reads this and even by the odd chance they do who would listen to me?? so whatever, I'll have to roll with whatever..
<3 <3
why do things have to be so hard? it seems like all my emotions are just popping out of nowhere and every major thing I've ever felt is surfacing for a little while. some a little bit longer. it almost feels out of control, but at least there is some sort of control even if it's hard to see. this should be entertaining.
going with my whole gender lackingness I've decided on a few things. I really don't like most female pronouns, I'd prefer a singular they or male pronouns. although I doubt anyone will give two shits what I want. I can stand same female-typed words like 'dyke', but the more commonly used 'lesbian' makes my skin crawl. also in relationships I'd much rather be referred to as a 'boifriend' than a 'girlfriend'. then again, who the fuck even reads this and even by the odd chance they do who would listen to me?? so whatever, I'll have to roll with whatever..
<3 <3
Sunday, June 12, 2011
exchanging body heat in the passanger seat.
I hate mornings. honestly, they can go die. not only am I waking up around 8.30 on a Sunday for no reason, but when I do wake up my mom's doing her YouTube sing along thing again. so I figure stay in my room and wait it out for awhile. when I finally do go to get up I basically fall back onto my bed trying to stand up. kinda forgot that my legs hurt like a bitch. sitting with my feet on the floor hurts, standing is worse, and walking is killer. don't even get me started on stairs. and first thing in the morning they're all cramped up from not moving all night. it's brutal. and this is coming from someone who actually LIKES most pain.
at least I've got all my poetry done except my epic, I've read all the short stories, and I have almost two worksheets of socials done. my biggest problem will be trying to get out of doing a lipsync that my group is in no way ready to present. that and not wanting to saw my legs off.
there was a lot of talk about the wedding today, being at the grandparents' and all. the arch they're using is at ther house now so it feels closer. just over a month and s half away. my grandma's going on about liquor licenses and matching shoes and stuff. my mom's going on about how she hates the shoes she's supposed to wear and there's no way in hell she wants to go at 7am to get her hair done for a wedding hours later. and then the whole who the fuck is throwing the bridal shower and stagette and stuff. the there's me just chilling there hoping to be feeling at least somewhat female if I have to wear a bloody dress so I don't end up trying to rip my skin off. and how the hell are around 180 or more people going to fit on that fucking dock??
formal events piss me off...
I swear every time my family gets together there are huge fighting matches and fights and all sorts of shinanigans. about the stoopidest things. like what bowls to use to have soup. WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?? it's nothing to smash plates around about. or refuse to even eat the fucking soup over. everything turns into such a big deal and everyone's temper is right on the edge, about to flare. if this is what happens on a regular basis how am I supposed to ever come out to the entire family or tell them I'm not wearing a dress for grad?? I don't want to have dishes thrown at me, I've had enough of that in my childhood when my mom got pissed off. plus, asking my family to help pay for post-secondary is most likely the only way I'll be able to go at all.
apparently I have a meeting to go to VFS on Thursday night. I don't even want to go. my mom's trying to push me into acting as a career. I find it fun for small roles and stuff, but there's no way I'd even want to make it big. that's the only way to make a living from it too. why can't she just respect that fact if I do get involved in the industry I would want to do something behind the scenes. then again how can I ever expect her to respect anything I do?
<3 <3
at least I've got all my poetry done except my epic, I've read all the short stories, and I have almost two worksheets of socials done. my biggest problem will be trying to get out of doing a lipsync that my group is in no way ready to present. that and not wanting to saw my legs off.
there was a lot of talk about the wedding today, being at the grandparents' and all. the arch they're using is at ther house now so it feels closer. just over a month and s half away. my grandma's going on about liquor licenses and matching shoes and stuff. my mom's going on about how she hates the shoes she's supposed to wear and there's no way in hell she wants to go at 7am to get her hair done for a wedding hours later. and then the whole who the fuck is throwing the bridal shower and stagette and stuff. the there's me just chilling there hoping to be feeling at least somewhat female if I have to wear a bloody dress so I don't end up trying to rip my skin off. and how the hell are around 180 or more people going to fit on that fucking dock??
formal events piss me off...
I swear every time my family gets together there are huge fighting matches and fights and all sorts of shinanigans. about the stoopidest things. like what bowls to use to have soup. WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?? it's nothing to smash plates around about. or refuse to even eat the fucking soup over. everything turns into such a big deal and everyone's temper is right on the edge, about to flare. if this is what happens on a regular basis how am I supposed to ever come out to the entire family or tell them I'm not wearing a dress for grad?? I don't want to have dishes thrown at me, I've had enough of that in my childhood when my mom got pissed off. plus, asking my family to help pay for post-secondary is most likely the only way I'll be able to go at all.
apparently I have a meeting to go to VFS on Thursday night. I don't even want to go. my mom's trying to push me into acting as a career. I find it fun for small roles and stuff, but there's no way I'd even want to make it big. that's the only way to make a living from it too. why can't she just respect that fact if I do get involved in the industry I would want to do something behind the scenes. then again how can I ever expect her to respect anything I do?
<3 <3
and she's a world-class revolution.
don't exactly know what to do. my mom wants me to grow my hair out for grad. I really don't ever want to grow my hair out unless it's in dreads, and there's no way my mom will let me have dreads for grad.
then there's the whole there's no way in hell that I'll be wearing a dress thing. my mom thinks I'm wearing a dress, although she might be a bit more leaniant than my grandma. my grandma wants me to have the prettiest dress of my grad class. and she keeps trying to shove all sorts of feminine things at me. it's like 'honestly grandma I don't want a grad dress, I want to get a suit. and a purple tailcoat would be even better. and NO I don't want to go buy cute matching lacey bra and panties. I'd be much more comfortable in a binder and boxers.' but how exactly does one tell their grandma that? I mean, I haven't even been able to figure out how to tell my mom. and I haven't even come out to the rest of the family about liking girls. FUUUU.
my mom's friend today actually told me my hair looks bad short, I have to grow it out. it kinda felt like a slap in the face, like 'fuck you you're not old enough to decide how you feel. I'm older so I can tell you that just because you are apparently cute as a physical female you aren't allowed to even present as partially male'
I hate people. I just want to go live under a rock and forget that there are people who feel the need to stick me into a gender box based on my physical sex. WHAT THE FUCK??? why can't people just accept that I don't fit into any boxes? I'm tired of fighting to try and present how I feel, tired of being bitched at for wearing clothes that aren't right for the weather because I don't have all-seasons of clothes for my mixes of gender. I need to invest in more male summer clothes. right now I have some tshirts that are unisex and a couple pairs of basketball shorts...
need to figure out a way to bind that will allow me to wear lower- necked shirts. I'm so fucking tired of all the not being able to do things because of where on the gender scale I feel that day.
my mom is currently watching YouTube videos with lyrics to songs and singing along. it's not pretty. can someone besides me tell her she shouldn't be singing. my ears have been bleeding everytime since I was little.
<3 <3
then there's the whole there's no way in hell that I'll be wearing a dress thing. my mom thinks I'm wearing a dress, although she might be a bit more leaniant than my grandma. my grandma wants me to have the prettiest dress of my grad class. and she keeps trying to shove all sorts of feminine things at me. it's like 'honestly grandma I don't want a grad dress, I want to get a suit. and a purple tailcoat would be even better. and NO I don't want to go buy cute matching lacey bra and panties. I'd be much more comfortable in a binder and boxers.' but how exactly does one tell their grandma that? I mean, I haven't even been able to figure out how to tell my mom. and I haven't even come out to the rest of the family about liking girls. FUUUU.
my mom's friend today actually told me my hair looks bad short, I have to grow it out. it kinda felt like a slap in the face, like 'fuck you you're not old enough to decide how you feel. I'm older so I can tell you that just because you are apparently cute as a physical female you aren't allowed to even present as partially male'
I hate people. I just want to go live under a rock and forget that there are people who feel the need to stick me into a gender box based on my physical sex. WHAT THE FUCK??? why can't people just accept that I don't fit into any boxes? I'm tired of fighting to try and present how I feel, tired of being bitched at for wearing clothes that aren't right for the weather because I don't have all-seasons of clothes for my mixes of gender. I need to invest in more male summer clothes. right now I have some tshirts that are unisex and a couple pairs of basketball shorts...
need to figure out a way to bind that will allow me to wear lower- necked shirts. I'm so fucking tired of all the not being able to do things because of where on the gender scale I feel that day.
my mom is currently watching YouTube videos with lyrics to songs and singing along. it's not pretty. can someone besides me tell her she shouldn't be singing. my ears have been bleeding everytime since I was little.
<3 <3
and I know that love is more than just holding hands.
queer prom was freaking amazing.
on the skytrain into Vancouver there were a bunch of drunken idiots in our grade. funny enough one of them I met at a church youth group in like... gr.6
anyways, we got into van and ended up being downtown when the Canucks won the game. it was freaking INSANE down there. honestly, the party was going on for the win until the wee hours of the morning even though it was at like.. 8pm that we won. and there were chants in skytrains of go Canucks go and flags and jerseys everywhere. fucking chaos. and I don't even watch hockey.
anyways, ended up meeting with almost the entire crew at the bus stop downtown and waited for like.. 45mins with everyone being crazy and talking about lady gaga and penis with Curtis. and signed shirts with randomness and stuffs. then realized that the buses weren't really running where we were so half the group went to get on the skytrain to get farther from granville and then catch the bus there. on the skytrain we met another group going so we all waited together. as we were waiting the other half from before got a bus and caught up with us. and more people going that showed up at that bus stop. so basically we had about 20-30 queerios all waiting for one bus. in the middle of the Canucks chaos. there was screaming and cheering and much high-fiving. honestly, no one even cared that we were late because we were the party pretty much and we were all having an amazing time.
eventually the bus came and we were loud and queer and singing and all sorts of shinanigans. Curtis ended up finding a guy who was almost his twin (and I saw them making out later that night)
no one really knew where we were going, just kind knew what bus to get on. so whe we go to the bus stop I just kinda yelled that anyone going to prom should get off and it worked because I scream too loud...
eventually we all got there and it was amazing. as soon as you walk in the door there was a coatcheck on one side and tables on the other. the first table was OVERFLOWING with condoms. on just over half, then a button making machine and the stuff to make them. the second table had a bunch of pamphlets on safe sex and all that jazz.
other than that there was a massive dancefloor with a dj on stage and crazy lights that changed colours and tended to look rainbow most of the time. there was everything from someone in a floor-length ball gown and tiara to jeans and a tshirt. including dresses while wearing ties and all sorts of shinanigans. by the time we got there couples were already full-on making out on the dancefloor.
we started our own little dork dance circle for those of us who actually enjoy white dancing and such. but eventually we ended up all over. I have no idea how many times I ended up in grinding threesomes, and there were a couple times Aliza dragged me into grinding lines that went across the whole width of the room almost. the ended up taking a couple photos at the photobooth with Aliza and Andrew. GAHHHH andandandand Andrew and Emerson met. and they exchanged numbers and they were dancing and the are freaking adorable. I mean, they're both my adorable, blonde, gay LBs but still. Emerson is honestly the cutest little child I have ever met. I just want to pick him up and hug him and never let him go and yeah. thirteen year old adorableness is win. and then andrew is like.. two years older, but still freaking adorable. and together it's just GAHHHHH!!!
ended up being in the group that did the whole splash everyone with water bottles to cool them down. adelyn was not happy about that though.. ooooops. whatever, it was a wet t-shirt (and tank top) party and it cooled us down and it was amazing. I REGRET NOTHING!!!
just can't wait for next year, or if I can go to pride youth dance. that would be freaking amazing.
only problem is that I woke up this morning sore pretty much from head to toe. could take awhile to recover. stairs are the worst. takes like 10x longer to get in and out of my place because I have to take the stairs so slowly. just hoping that I can walk without pain for the last week of school.
<3 <3
on the skytrain into Vancouver there were a bunch of drunken idiots in our grade. funny enough one of them I met at a church youth group in like... gr.6
anyways, we got into van and ended up being downtown when the Canucks won the game. it was freaking INSANE down there. honestly, the party was going on for the win until the wee hours of the morning even though it was at like.. 8pm that we won. and there were chants in skytrains of go Canucks go and flags and jerseys everywhere. fucking chaos. and I don't even watch hockey.
anyways, ended up meeting with almost the entire crew at the bus stop downtown and waited for like.. 45mins with everyone being crazy and talking about lady gaga and penis with Curtis. and signed shirts with randomness and stuffs. then realized that the buses weren't really running where we were so half the group went to get on the skytrain to get farther from granville and then catch the bus there. on the skytrain we met another group going so we all waited together. as we were waiting the other half from before got a bus and caught up with us. and more people going that showed up at that bus stop. so basically we had about 20-30 queerios all waiting for one bus. in the middle of the Canucks chaos. there was screaming and cheering and much high-fiving. honestly, no one even cared that we were late because we were the party pretty much and we were all having an amazing time.
eventually the bus came and we were loud and queer and singing and all sorts of shinanigans. Curtis ended up finding a guy who was almost his twin (and I saw them making out later that night)
no one really knew where we were going, just kind knew what bus to get on. so whe we go to the bus stop I just kinda yelled that anyone going to prom should get off and it worked because I scream too loud...
eventually we all got there and it was amazing. as soon as you walk in the door there was a coatcheck on one side and tables on the other. the first table was OVERFLOWING with condoms. on just over half, then a button making machine and the stuff to make them. the second table had a bunch of pamphlets on safe sex and all that jazz.
other than that there was a massive dancefloor with a dj on stage and crazy lights that changed colours and tended to look rainbow most of the time. there was everything from someone in a floor-length ball gown and tiara to jeans and a tshirt. including dresses while wearing ties and all sorts of shinanigans. by the time we got there couples were already full-on making out on the dancefloor.
we started our own little dork dance circle for those of us who actually enjoy white dancing and such. but eventually we ended up all over. I have no idea how many times I ended up in grinding threesomes, and there were a couple times Aliza dragged me into grinding lines that went across the whole width of the room almost. the ended up taking a couple photos at the photobooth with Aliza and Andrew. GAHHHH andandandand Andrew and Emerson met. and they exchanged numbers and they were dancing and the are freaking adorable. I mean, they're both my adorable, blonde, gay LBs but still. Emerson is honestly the cutest little child I have ever met. I just want to pick him up and hug him and never let him go and yeah. thirteen year old adorableness is win. and then andrew is like.. two years older, but still freaking adorable. and together it's just GAHHHHH!!!
ended up being in the group that did the whole splash everyone with water bottles to cool them down. adelyn was not happy about that though.. ooooops. whatever, it was a wet t-shirt (and tank top) party and it cooled us down and it was amazing. I REGRET NOTHING!!!
just can't wait for next year, or if I can go to pride youth dance. that would be freaking amazing.
only problem is that I woke up this morning sore pretty much from head to toe. could take awhile to recover. stairs are the worst. takes like 10x longer to get in and out of my place because I have to take the stairs so slowly. just hoping that I can walk without pain for the last week of school.
<3 <3
Friday, June 10, 2011
there will be no white flag above my door.
one week left until there are no more classes for the school year. FUCK YEAH!! the year that at first I didn't think I would make this far. being alive, without extreme damage, and still on speaking terms with most of my sdss friends. that is fucking impressive. even more impressive: being allowed to go to queer prom. it'll be fabulous. there will be craziness and such.
so apparently my mom has finally accepted the whole bi thing... like three years later, over a year after I stopped trying to force myself to be into guys. wonder if she'll be able to catch up to speed by the time I graduate post secondary (if I go) I know the whole concept of genderlessness and such is hard to grasp. but then being gynosexual is so much easier to understand. which is fine.
hopefully she'll figure it out sooner rather than later.
tomorrow's queer prom. and I just know I will be wearing rainbows. and a bowtie. because I'm cool. honestly, haven't been looking forward to a queer event so much since pride. and PHOTOBOOTH to get it all on camera. there will be details of awesomeness at some point.
so tired. last day of school before the weekend and I'll most likely be about to sleep through it. might nap in math. and ceramics just to show bitchface how stoopid she is.
<3 <3
so apparently my mom has finally accepted the whole bi thing... like three years later, over a year after I stopped trying to force myself to be into guys. wonder if she'll be able to catch up to speed by the time I graduate post secondary (if I go) I know the whole concept of genderlessness and such is hard to grasp. but then being gynosexual is so much easier to understand. which is fine.
hopefully she'll figure it out sooner rather than later.
tomorrow's queer prom. and I just know I will be wearing rainbows. and a bowtie. because I'm cool. honestly, haven't been looking forward to a queer event so much since pride. and PHOTOBOOTH to get it all on camera. there will be details of awesomeness at some point.
so tired. last day of school before the weekend and I'll most likely be about to sleep through it. might nap in math. and ceramics just to show bitchface how stoopid she is.
<3 <3
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
just take my hand and trust.
so there's a video that was circulating around tumblr. these two lesbians got in their yearbook as cutest couple and parents are apparently pissed. then there's a big thing between this douchebag who thinks homosexuality should be kept out of schools and an actual psychological analyzer or something. she's trying to say this is good and stuff, then the douche is totally ruining it and making it seem as if we should go back about 20-30 years and not allow minors to come out and stuff. are you fucking kidding me? as if there aren't enough lgbttqqiapp teens killing themselves as it is, might as well take away more rights and make us suffer even more. WHAT THE FUCK??? he says we 'flaunt our sexuality by coming out. I mean, not everyone is as obviously queer as I am. and even I wouldn't like.. practically have sex with a girl infront of people. yes, hugs and holding hands and cutesy things, even a few kisses, but that's nothing compared to the shit I see straight couples doing in the halls when they're supposed to be in class. or even in my art class. it's bullshit.
people like that make me want to get all in their faces with rainbows and stuff. I would fucking shove gay porn down his throat if he tried to say something like that to my face.
on a happier note, queer prom in like... 45hoursish. so totally stoked for this it isn't even funny. only thing two things could make it better: having something hardcore gender blending to wear and if two people that can't go (that i really want to be there) could be there. :)
but it's all good, there'll be something fun to do that I can get everyone in on hopefully.
only 6 days of school left. terrifying. this is going to be the scariest end of the year ever. possibly more so than last year even though I didn't know if I was moving or what. plus I'm at a different school so I have no idea of the end of the year traditions. just about time for brain to completely cut off.
<3 <3
people like that make me want to get all in their faces with rainbows and stuff. I would fucking shove gay porn down his throat if he tried to say something like that to my face.
on a happier note, queer prom in like... 45hoursish. so totally stoked for this it isn't even funny. only thing two things could make it better: having something hardcore gender blending to wear and if two people that can't go (that i really want to be there) could be there. :)
but it's all good, there'll be something fun to do that I can get everyone in on hopefully.
only 6 days of school left. terrifying. this is going to be the scariest end of the year ever. possibly more so than last year even though I didn't know if I was moving or what. plus I'm at a different school so I have no idea of the end of the year traditions. just about time for brain to completely cut off.
<3 <3
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
would you be m-mine?
actually being able to eat is glorious. mmmmm half a dead bird, spicy peri fries and salad and STILL being hungry. I missed this so much. my stomach is mine again. gahhhhh. not being stressed about as many things is good :)
now if only I could stop freaking out about the bunch of other things that come with it. that would be splendid. just chilling in a field in the shade or in the middle of a rainstorm, prancing around like a freaking unicorn. sounds sooooo good right now.
so there's gunna be drama at queer prom and I might end up in the middle. for one, this guy who hates my guts and wants me dead (who used to be my best gay friend) might be there AWKWARD!!! and then awhile ago one of my straight friends started going to GAB sometimes and she was practically dating this bi guy and then he turned around and made out with some other chick infront of her. she's prolly going, and some of my best friends who hate his guts because of it. I didn't know this when I met him and we became friends. I might have to find a way to talk to both in the same night without them seeing each other. loverly.
in the mean time I get to be all happy and smiley and stuff and there's nothing anyone can do ;)
it's a great feeling.
and before it's over, a shoutout to cortland. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
<3 <3
now if only I could stop freaking out about the bunch of other things that come with it. that would be splendid. just chilling in a field in the shade or in the middle of a rainstorm, prancing around like a freaking unicorn. sounds sooooo good right now.
so there's gunna be drama at queer prom and I might end up in the middle. for one, this guy who hates my guts and wants me dead (who used to be my best gay friend) might be there AWKWARD!!! and then awhile ago one of my straight friends started going to GAB sometimes and she was practically dating this bi guy and then he turned around and made out with some other chick infront of her. she's prolly going, and some of my best friends who hate his guts because of it. I didn't know this when I met him and we became friends. I might have to find a way to talk to both in the same night without them seeing each other. loverly.
in the mean time I get to be all happy and smiley and stuff and there's nothing anyone can do ;)
it's a great feeling.
and before it's over, a shoutout to cortland. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
<3 <3
Monday, June 6, 2011
she completes a rainbow, she completes my rainbow.
so it might be all the stress and mind being all over the place that's making me feel all crappy. I miss food. I miss feeling hungry and being able to eat. I've barely eaten all weekend. Saturday I only ate lunch and I a tiny bit of dinner, Sunday just a lunch, and then today to continue on the trend just a yogurt, some fruit and snacks, and a little bit of dinner. how the hell am I supposed to win pie eating contest and stuff if I can barely eat??
sun and hot tempuratures are bitches. as if my whole getting easily dehydrated thing wasn't bad enough now I feel like I'm going to pass out half the time and it always feels like I'm living in a fucking sauna. I can't get away, even when I stuck my head into the freezer. fans and humidifiers sound good right about now. better not pass out in my math final this year like I almost did in gr.9 or any other tests.
so much for studying for tests. honestly, the only homework I can get done is stuff for the poetry assignment since writing actually lets me sort out my feelings and the mass of bullshit crowding my brain. 5/8 parts done. not looking forward to starting my epic at all. can like..... jiz lee be my hero for it? cause talking about pornstars in school assignments is fun. especially genderqueer pornstars. :)
breathing would be good. why is such a simple thing so hard for me to do today? xjejenjsjekeeitripwpvkd
not fun.
<3 <3
sun and hot tempuratures are bitches. as if my whole getting easily dehydrated thing wasn't bad enough now I feel like I'm going to pass out half the time and it always feels like I'm living in a fucking sauna. I can't get away, even when I stuck my head into the freezer. fans and humidifiers sound good right about now. better not pass out in my math final this year like I almost did in gr.9 or any other tests.
so much for studying for tests. honestly, the only homework I can get done is stuff for the poetry assignment since writing actually lets me sort out my feelings and the mass of bullshit crowding my brain. 5/8 parts done. not looking forward to starting my epic at all. can like..... jiz lee be my hero for it? cause talking about pornstars in school assignments is fun. especially genderqueer pornstars. :)
breathing would be good. why is such a simple thing so hard for me to do today? xjejenjsjekeeitripwpvkd
not fun.
<3 <3
Sunday, June 5, 2011
that's alright, I love the way it hurts.
dreams. they are slightly odd. last night I had one that started out with just a random hangout with friends but for some reason I needed to take a shower. the shower was filled with like two or three toilets that were just chilling there, not working. so I was trying to get people to help me move the toilets.
then I was in a video game. some zombie first-person shooter. and playing against sydney for some unknown reason. finally we got to the last hall. when we opened the door there was water about knee deep. we started to make our way through but there were alligators EVERYWHERE!!
then all of a sudden I was with my socials class going up to the third floor (my school only has two floors) which was basically an aquarium/ marine lab. the only one who had the keys to get up to this third floor was my socials teacher. in the middle of this huge room that made up the floor was this giant tank with a bunch of plants so dense you couldn't see anything in the middle. around the outside were these big yellow butterfly fish. they literally looked like butterflies under water. and a few other yellow fish (Helen called them marigold may fish. I need to stop going on tumblr so much, it affects my dreams) anyways, we were doing tests, trying to keep the butterfly fish from going extinct. the water was looking a little low, so heather pour some in from her water bottle. that contaminated the whole tank. then I saw this little blue fish that looked like it really was a butterfly. Clement told me it was a baby butterfly fish, then it died from the contamination.
finally the bell rang and we went back downstairs to our next classes and I realized I'd forgotten my shoes upstairs, so I went back up since my teacher was still there and I couldn't find my shoes. I guess it was lunchtime though, cause I went outside to go look as if they'd run away... my school was in the middle of Honolulu, Hawaii on the top of a hill. I started walkig around the parking lot asking people if they'd seen my shoes. the pavement was freaking boiling and with only socks to protect my feet it was brutal.
and that's all I remember, except Clement and chi yan were with me most of my search for my shoes, until I got outside. and a bunch of the really sciencey guys in my socials class were in lab coats, taking notes, and all hardcore about the tank.
I had no idea where any of this came from until I told my mom a bit about my dream and she started to point things out. so basically that was my brain's way of recapping the entire school year. well at least bits and pieces of it.
wonder what hardcore dream analysts would say about that...
<3 <3
then I was in a video game. some zombie first-person shooter. and playing against sydney for some unknown reason. finally we got to the last hall. when we opened the door there was water about knee deep. we started to make our way through but there were alligators EVERYWHERE!!
then all of a sudden I was with my socials class going up to the third floor (my school only has two floors) which was basically an aquarium/ marine lab. the only one who had the keys to get up to this third floor was my socials teacher. in the middle of this huge room that made up the floor was this giant tank with a bunch of plants so dense you couldn't see anything in the middle. around the outside were these big yellow butterfly fish. they literally looked like butterflies under water. and a few other yellow fish (Helen called them marigold may fish. I need to stop going on tumblr so much, it affects my dreams) anyways, we were doing tests, trying to keep the butterfly fish from going extinct. the water was looking a little low, so heather pour some in from her water bottle. that contaminated the whole tank. then I saw this little blue fish that looked like it really was a butterfly. Clement told me it was a baby butterfly fish, then it died from the contamination.
finally the bell rang and we went back downstairs to our next classes and I realized I'd forgotten my shoes upstairs, so I went back up since my teacher was still there and I couldn't find my shoes. I guess it was lunchtime though, cause I went outside to go look as if they'd run away... my school was in the middle of Honolulu, Hawaii on the top of a hill. I started walkig around the parking lot asking people if they'd seen my shoes. the pavement was freaking boiling and with only socks to protect my feet it was brutal.
and that's all I remember, except Clement and chi yan were with me most of my search for my shoes, until I got outside. and a bunch of the really sciencey guys in my socials class were in lab coats, taking notes, and all hardcore about the tank.
I had no idea where any of this came from until I told my mom a bit about my dream and she started to point things out. so basically that was my brain's way of recapping the entire school year. well at least bits and pieces of it.
wonder what hardcore dream analysts would say about that...
<3 <3
you're beautiful the way you are.
the Internet makes it that much easier to be depressed and lonely. being able to have people talk to you almost 24/7 makes it that much easier to realize 'hey, people don't really want to be talking to you. you're boring. that's why your inboxes are all almost always empty except for random messages from companies who's mailing lists you are part of.' it makes it that much easier to tell when friendships are drifting apart because your friends have lives and don't just sit on their computers all day to talk to you and try to make it seem like distance isn't straining your friendship.
when you check e-mail, social networking sites, and all sorts of pages just to see if someone is trying to contact you at least 1000 times a day but only about... 2-10 times anyone actually does. then it makes you feel unimportant. and then you turn into a bitter bitch like me.
it's like an addiction. at first you start just going on once in awhile, then you gain access to it more and more so you're on a lot more than you should be. then it starts to eat into time that should be used for other things... like sleep and homework. eventually nothing else matters, nothing feels real unless facebook says so, and you start to think that the 'real you' is a persona you create for yourself on the interwebs.
that being said, I'm way too canadian. I feel the need to respond to every little thing people send me as a way to say that I've read what they said. I feel like if I don't respond they'll think I'm ignoring them and think I'm rude. even if it's just a stoopid smiley. and I even apologize when it takes more than a few hours to respond.
I've almost always been like that. finally I'm starting to understand that not everyone's like that. I don't take it personally every time someone else doesn't respond. especially when it's some random girl I message out of the blue. although sometimes I still do.
funny enough, the way I deal with my feeling rejected by everyone on the internet is more internet. when everywhere else is done with me I go on tumblr and reblog a bunch of things that pertain to my being all depressed about everything and pretty girls who I know would never give me the time of day. most people at least sometimes talk to followers, I go on to escape talking to people since I know that they'll eventually get bored of me and make me depressed if I tried to talk to such superior beings. and then I write about how everything sucks. and read a bunch of random lgbt-related stuff.
that's pretty much my life..
and that is how I end up getting all depressed when I'm not actually around people...
<3 <3
when you check e-mail, social networking sites, and all sorts of pages just to see if someone is trying to contact you at least 1000 times a day but only about... 2-10 times anyone actually does. then it makes you feel unimportant. and then you turn into a bitter bitch like me.
it's like an addiction. at first you start just going on once in awhile, then you gain access to it more and more so you're on a lot more than you should be. then it starts to eat into time that should be used for other things... like sleep and homework. eventually nothing else matters, nothing feels real unless facebook says so, and you start to think that the 'real you' is a persona you create for yourself on the interwebs.
that being said, I'm way too canadian. I feel the need to respond to every little thing people send me as a way to say that I've read what they said. I feel like if I don't respond they'll think I'm ignoring them and think I'm rude. even if it's just a stoopid smiley. and I even apologize when it takes more than a few hours to respond.
I've almost always been like that. finally I'm starting to understand that not everyone's like that. I don't take it personally every time someone else doesn't respond. especially when it's some random girl I message out of the blue. although sometimes I still do.
funny enough, the way I deal with my feeling rejected by everyone on the internet is more internet. when everywhere else is done with me I go on tumblr and reblog a bunch of things that pertain to my being all depressed about everything and pretty girls who I know would never give me the time of day. most people at least sometimes talk to followers, I go on to escape talking to people since I know that they'll eventually get bored of me and make me depressed if I tried to talk to such superior beings. and then I write about how everything sucks. and read a bunch of random lgbt-related stuff.
that's pretty much my life..
and that is how I end up getting all depressed when I'm not actually around people...
<3 <3
Saturday, June 4, 2011
we all live in a beautiful world.
I like food. I know this. I also hate eating infront of people unless I can trust them and I have no physical atraction to them. dunno what it is but the moment I think they're cute I just want to hide and make sure they don't see how ugly I am when I'm eating. cause watching ANYONE eat is generally pretty gross. but I like food and sweet stuff that isn't good for you.
missed sweeney todd. can't believe I missed the one good play of the year that I was legitimately interested in. cant wait to be in one next year. hopefully something equally awesome. :)
<3 <3
missed sweeney todd. can't believe I missed the one good play of the year that I was legitimately interested in. cant wait to be in one next year. hopefully something equally awesome. :)
<3 <3
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
teething really is a bitch. my gum has split in half to try to make room for my tooth. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY??? almost want to pull every tooth from my mouth, but then how would I bite the girlies? =P
but seriously. I've had one wizdom tooth grow in, the rest are all under the surface. under my back molars at least halfway. plus there's my second row of teeth. which consists of two random teeth beneith the surface near the front on the bottom. wierdest part? they're both molars. in the front of my mouth. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC!!! yeahh. I am a freaking shark. and I thought my tooth problems were over after I'd broken my two front teeth and had all my baby teeth with cavities and caps fall out. but no, now I have bigger problems. just hoping I don't need surgery to fix all the problems. can't afford to miss any of my summer school. plus the whole my uncle's wedding and all.
fuck. uncle's wedding... that means dress.. I don't know if I can really stay feeling female long enough to get through it. my only modivation will be the fact that pride's the next day. PRIDE!!!!! :)
speaking of pride, queer prom in just over a week. first qmunity dance I'll be going to. and getting ready to meet so many other queerios. GAHHHH!! so excited. if I could actually explode with happiness I would right now.
except I have to get through a monologue, two chapter/ unit tests, and some brutal physics before then. and hand in my sketchbook for final marking. skrjaxiskwkekkaktkdjfgjgjcdjeprpghshrrhdhfjsjejrjrkkekdjguxahwhroypxncnsbbevxbzbzh7;3$347:$272,&$(&,;&,$?483738,$$;7,€\[£+<££fdjwjfjsjejdkfj
at least I'll have some time tomorrow since the potluck shouldve over at 8.30ish
can't believe after deliberately NOT filling out any sheets to get awards I still ended up getting a big one. dear gods. they really want to give me an award for being the only one to write an actual meaningful one act?? I get it that it was actually good instead of a bunch of what the fuck but I don't really want an award that much.
<3 <3
but seriously. I've had one wizdom tooth grow in, the rest are all under the surface. under my back molars at least halfway. plus there's my second row of teeth. which consists of two random teeth beneith the surface near the front on the bottom. wierdest part? they're both molars. in the front of my mouth. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC!!! yeahh. I am a freaking shark. and I thought my tooth problems were over after I'd broken my two front teeth and had all my baby teeth with cavities and caps fall out. but no, now I have bigger problems. just hoping I don't need surgery to fix all the problems. can't afford to miss any of my summer school. plus the whole my uncle's wedding and all.
fuck. uncle's wedding... that means dress.. I don't know if I can really stay feeling female long enough to get through it. my only modivation will be the fact that pride's the next day. PRIDE!!!!! :)
speaking of pride, queer prom in just over a week. first qmunity dance I'll be going to. and getting ready to meet so many other queerios. GAHHHH!! so excited. if I could actually explode with happiness I would right now.
except I have to get through a monologue, two chapter/ unit tests, and some brutal physics before then. and hand in my sketchbook for final marking. skrjaxiskwkekkaktkdjfgjgjcdjeprpghshrrhdhfjsjejrjrkkekdjguxahwhroypxncnsbbevxbzbzh7;3$347:$272,&$(&,;&,$?483738,$$;7,€\[£+<££fdjwjfjsjejdkfj
at least I'll have some time tomorrow since the potluck shouldve over at 8.30ish
can't believe after deliberately NOT filling out any sheets to get awards I still ended up getting a big one. dear gods. they really want to give me an award for being the only one to write an actual meaningful one act?? I get it that it was actually good instead of a bunch of what the fuck but I don't really want an award that much.
<3 <3
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
this is calcuta, bohemia is dead.
two girls gunna be in my house all night long while my mom's gone. and this is after queer prom where everyone will be amazingly happy and stuff.
thinking about what to do with life and stuffs. and I've come to the conclution that if I don't end up doing something artsy and I get into university or some actual academic collage I want to major in psychology and minor in gender studies. I'd actually really love being some sort of lgbt counsellor. as if I don't do enough research and stuff on my own. I swear I have more lgbt- related knowledge than almost every other student. even learning some in chinese lgbt culture. and to be able to help the poor souls would be amazing. so got my back up if the more artsy things don't work out.
it's slightly annoying how staff members at schools are thinking what needs to be stopped most is homophobia. when in actuallity, that's getting a lot better, now we need to focus more on transphobia and cissexist behaviours. these are the issues that are more ignored in schools. it's bad enough being a minority is easily noticed. but a super tiny non- cisgendered community is even smaller. consisting of like... me. and that's about it. fail??
<3 <3
thinking about what to do with life and stuffs. and I've come to the conclution that if I don't end up doing something artsy and I get into university or some actual academic collage I want to major in psychology and minor in gender studies. I'd actually really love being some sort of lgbt counsellor. as if I don't do enough research and stuff on my own. I swear I have more lgbt- related knowledge than almost every other student. even learning some in chinese lgbt culture. and to be able to help the poor souls would be amazing. so got my back up if the more artsy things don't work out.
it's slightly annoying how staff members at schools are thinking what needs to be stopped most is homophobia. when in actuallity, that's getting a lot better, now we need to focus more on transphobia and cissexist behaviours. these are the issues that are more ignored in schools. it's bad enough being a minority is easily noticed. but a super tiny non- cisgendered community is even smaller. consisting of like... me. and that's about it. fail??
<3 <3