I'm a sinner, you're a saint.

pretty much come to the conclution that almost everyone else but me seems to know what's going on in my life. people assume things and just generally think they know things. surprise, I don't even know. the past few months or so I've just given up trying to figure things out and gone by what I feel. do what you love and fuck the rest. so what if I'm failing math and I need 50% on my final tomorrow to get into summer school. I hate math, I can try my best, but if I get the 50% I get it, if not whatever. at this point I haven't even bothered to put in any conscience effort into anything really. I'm just leaving it up to what I can do on my own without breaking my brain. summer brain is already here and I ain't even mad. I'm just done with everything, this year, highschool, living anywhere in the vacinity of my mother, trying to figure out how to feel comfortable with the whole gender thing, this city. I just want to get on a spaceship that takes me far away where I don't have to worry about things like that much at all. but that won't happen.

the last actual school day. I don't know how I feel about it. I thought it would never come at the beginning of the year, but the year passed by so quickly it's scary. no more science. no more languages. it's terrifying. at the same time I'll miss it. this summer is the one I've been least looking forward to for what's going on. summer school for the very first time IF I can get into it, my uncle's wedding (as if she hadn't taken him away from me enough as it is. my uncle's the only one who I've never hated for any period of time whatsoever.) and then trying to get back into tsawwassen life when they've moved on and grown so close and I've run away to this other city. it's like I've been disowned, like I don't share the connections with them anymore. 

I should feel something about this year ending but I'm in shock. I barely feel like there's enough time to breathe, let alone wrap my mind around everything that's happening. not even just the school stuff. I have to figure things out eventually, preferably soon, and I can't be bothered to even think about it other than playing it by ear. 

this summer means a lot of figuring everything out. the last summer before I will be propelled out into the real world, and I still haven't been able to find a single job that wants me. more learning than I'll ever get in school. 

Canucks. not even going to say much. they lost. badly. people are idiots. apparently there were deaths at the riot. and the bank got smashed in along with multiple cars and possesions. oooops, guess people don't know how to let go...

<3 <3