it seems when we most need things to stay the same they start changing in all sorts of ways, but when we actually need change it stays exactly the same, or changes in the worst way possible. life likes to fuck people over.
so we try to be prepared for changes even when it's the worst possible timing. and in that being prepared the rest of our life seems to be put on hold.
right now I can't decide if it's more important to unpack the last few boxes so I have the space to calm down and actually get things done or hold onto my fear of having to move again and leave it all so I don't have to unpack yet again. it's like being between worlds. I know I need to sort through it all and get rid of a bunch of stuff, but that scares me too. like losing another piece of my childhood. I've lost my home, hometown, friends I'd see everyday, innocence, and the majority of the possessions that remind me of those times. I don't want to part with those last bits for fear that with them will go the memories. most people have enough space and a stable family to store these type of things. I've been shuffled around and there's no safe place to hide them for when I grow older and want to look back. everything seems to hold such sentimental value that I get overwhelmed and don't know how to even begin in setting things up in a practical way.
I know people who've only had one, two, maybe three homes in their lifetimes. I can count twelve that I know where they are. it's unsettling. the places that hold memories are stretched out at so many places that they blend together. the word home has no value.
the past three years have felt like a big blur of emotionlessness. just being a drone fueled only by trying to catch sudden rushes of danger or pain or pleasure. it's draining, not feeling anything unless there's some sort of excitement. almost like one looooong day that never seems to end. there is no way to rest no matter how much sleep I get. always coming back to the same space of emptiness. not really living, just watching life go by. waiting for something that will just pass by because of lack of planning. there are small escapes, though only a very few people hold the key. try to cherrish them and never let them leave.
the only other option is to be left sleepwalking through life.
it seems impossible to capture the beauty of everything. it's there, it has potential, just not many take the time to admire it. very few bother to give in and let it take their breath away, give themselves over to it completely. I wish I could say I was one of these few, but that would be a lie. I can only do so on the odd occation. unfortunately the mindless rush of everyday life, going to and fro doing pointless tasks, has consumed a good portion or my soul. one can only take so many years of being beaten to fit a mould before there are no ther options. no matter how much they struggle to and be free. hopefully there will come a time when my souls can heal and see the full beauty of everything once again, in full burst.
<3 <3
No comments:
Post a Comment