I've been thinking about my brother lately.. I miss him. even if we didn't really see each other much the last couple years or so that he was alive it would be nice to know that there is someone who I could just chill with and talk to about manly things. the worst part is that right around when he was killed I was wanting to get back in contact with him. I didn't really care if our parents weren't together and that he wasn't even speaking to his dad. I just missed my big brother. I looked up to him growing up, I fucking idolized him, and someone like that can only dissapear from your life for so long before you want to do anything in your power to be with them as much as possible. that could be a big factor in how much his death screwed me up. he would've been 24 now... 2 years and almost 8 months ago. it still hurts. to this day, the day he called me his sister is one of my proudest moments ever.
why do things have to be so hard? it seems like all my emotions are just popping out of nowhere and every major thing I've ever felt is surfacing for a little while. some a little bit longer. it almost feels out of control, but at least there is some sort of control even if it's hard to see. this should be entertaining.
going with my whole gender lackingness I've decided on a few things. I really don't like most female pronouns, I'd prefer a singular they or male pronouns. although I doubt anyone will give two shits what I want. I can stand same female-typed words like 'dyke', but the more commonly used 'lesbian' makes my skin crawl. also in relationships I'd much rather be referred to as a 'boifriend' than a 'girlfriend'. then again, who the fuck even reads this and even by the odd chance they do who would listen to me?? so whatever, I'll have to roll with whatever..
<3 <3
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