sometimes I just want to murder them all. seriously. my cast for the one act I'm directing is insane. the guys are pretty much reason enough on it's own to be a lesbian. every rehearsal I become more and more aware of why I am not attracted to men. I mean, I feel for them, but if they want to get anywhere in life they have to learn to just chill the fuck out and being human beings. so far they don't seem to know how to do that. today I was screaming at them and using a prop squirt bottle to try to get them to pay attention. and of course they try to make the whole play into this big, long dirty pool of incest. not cool.
so other than the possiblity I may be going to jail for killing them, my school stuff suckkkkkks still.. the only subject I actually like right now is english. cause I'm a nerd. wait, no if I was a nerd I wouldn't be failing/ near failing 3 subjects. and getting low Bs in my other academics. yes, I'm only getting As in drama and ceramics. and right now I hate them both. boring anoyingness to the max.
so yeah. GIRLS. the one thing that I can actually talk about for days and still come back to the word NOM. honestly, I'm freaking deprived. I need someone to hold my hand, to keep in my arms so I can pretend to have it all together for their sake, to love. I thought I had it all. she's perfect and she love(d/s) me. I just want to know which. does she still love me, does she still crave every moment together with the same lust that I do? or has she forgotten it all and given into the world where the connections you had don't matter anymore, where you can want someone with your whole heart one day and with one tiny mistake on their part have the whole thing come crashing down till you're left feeling nothing for them. this girl has driven me crazy for years, each day I wake up knowing I won't hear from her, she doesn't seem to want me in any part of her life, my heart breaks all over again. each moment where I think I'm a little bit happy again, then it hits me, and it isn't complete knowing she's out there somewhere being mad at me. I can't let go, and quite frankly, I don't want to. in her own way she's been my entire life for what seems like a lifetime. I don't want to let her go, but I feeel like I've pretty much run out of options for how to get her to listen to me. I could call her, yes, but
1. she's afraid of phones
2. I'm afraid of saying something even more stoopid and her being pissed for longer.
3. what if one of her parents or sisters picks up? I'm pretty sure she's told her sisters something, not sure what though so who knows if her parents know. or even if no one picks up and I leave a message and then she doesn't respond yet again...
yeahhhh. I am just a total freakazoid. who really has issues. just letting you know.
oh and since this whole blog has turned into a whingfest, all of you who bother to read these anymore comment or send me an e-mail: nikkiasb@hotmail.com send me topics, questions, anything of the sort to keep this blog readable without wanting to kill yourself. thanksya.
<3 <3
Maybe instead of the guys needing to chill out, you need to. Seems like your the one all uptight here! And turning plays into "a pool of incest" is just what guys do thats just who 80% of them are (and it is kinda funny)
ReplyDeleteit was funny in the begining. now there's two weeks till we present and they don't know their lines, I have to prompt them for almost every single one, and it's taking 1 1/2 hours to get through a 5 minute scene because they keep running off and not actually working. our original date for performance was also over a month ago, but they still don't care if they get it or not. so yes, I'd love to chil and let them fuck around and even join in, but it's a little late for that. it's go time.
ReplyDelete