my eyes wide shut because of you.

every time I think it'll be ok, I think I can heal a little, I think that I could possibly even move on, then BAM there she is, her name shoved right in my face as if it's mocking me. I can't shut it out. like, once it's there I need to grab every ounce of her presence I can, need to try to find out everything I can. it's like an obsession. and I just can't get away. I need to do one of two things 1. talk to her, figure this all out 2. get over it.
I know that isn't really something that I want to do, but in order to stay sane I'm going to have to. I'll give myself till the end of next weekend. if I haven't talked to her by then, I'll do everything it takes to move on. I can't wait in limbo forever, right?? I would wait for her forever if she asked me to, but right now I don't know what she wants....
I want to be able to eat real food without wanting to puke for hours after, to breathe without feeling so much guilt because she won't even listen to my apologies, to sleep when I go to bed instead of hours later after going over a million scenarios..

there is just so much that I don't want to regret never getting a chance to do. if only I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better. if only we were in hogwarts and I knew a good memory charm.

can't wait for the bloody rain to go away, been months since I've been on my skates, need to get out more, need to start derbying again with the girls. a good way to take out some aggression in a healthy way. and as a bonus, keep my mind off of everything...

so yeah, totally found out what mr.bone meant about how bitchface is one of those people who pretends to be nice but is so fucking clueless. I asked for a needle and thread, so she goes on a hunt for her sewing machine.. at least I know where her personal stash of beads and clasps and floss and stuff is, and I have permission to take some at any time. but she won't buy me with that. I still can't stand her. most of the class I spent in the storage room finding glitter and india ink and stuff to keep away from the class. rawr.

and I have a shitload of homework that I need to get done, but no fucking attention span to do it or anythingg.

and of course when I finally meet a cute girl who's actually interested she lives like hours away. almost in the next province. not that I'm really ready to actually do anything. I'm still completely hung up on my wife. shit, girls are so much trouble.

<3 <3