looks like I'm all alone. for life. I am one of
those super-skilled people to manages to fuck
things up quite a bit and get it to the point
where a fair amount of my friends hate me, want
me dead, or dedicate their lives for awhile to
making mine a living hell. I've been called
everything in the book by almost everyone I ever
really cared about. I should be used to it by now,
but it still gets to me every time. I'm so fucking
tired of not knowing who actually hates me, who
hates me for the time being, and who's trying to
stab me in the back. I really need to stop
getting close to people in any way.
most of all I need to shut myself off emotionally
from girls until I know they can be trusted. too
often do I tell a girl I love her and I completely
give her my heart, then she has a fucking mashine
gun that she uses to blow it to pieces at pretty
much the first chance she gets. then again, I
need to be able to stop screwing up with girls,
because it prolly feels like I've done the exact
same thing. or at least it did in the begining.
she looks fine now, every picture she's smiling
and beautiful and carefree. like now that she
doesn't have to worry about me there's nothing
else in the world that can really screw her up.
I can't help it, I'm jealous. of everyone who gets
a bit of her attention, of everyone who can
actually talk to her without having to carefully
plan each word that is useless and most likely
unseen anyways, of everyone that gets the grace
of her hugs and words and love. I fucked up,
apparently there's no letting up, not even a little.
I'm getting really fucking sick of the games, of the
ignoring. not like I can do much about it. I've
worked so much to try to get anything, but no, she's
pretty insistent on being like that. I mean, I'd love
to just show up and surprise her and make her listen
to me, make her talk to me, make her tell me what she
wants from me, the one thing I've ever really wanted
to know.
apparently the hatred is spreading again, gotta keep
myself in check. too many good friends are getting
hurt without me realizing I even did anything. I
need to be more aware, need to understand what is
unexceptable amongst the human race. somehow I
either missed these lessons or I forgot somewhere
in my substance-fueled rampage. I just want to make
it all better, please give me the tools to do so.
she's the only one I've ever been able to put away
my views against marriage and picture a wedding with.
I can actually picture myself spending the rest of
my life with her, yet she can't spend 2 minutes
reading what I have to say. and I wonder why I hate
my life...
<3 <3
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