put your hands down my pants.

gotta love those days at home where it feels like everyone just wants you to go away. what happened to having friends??? oh right, I don't have the ability to keep many of those. not like they really exist in large quantities anyways, would just be nice if people would tell you they don't like you instead of pretending everything's fine and you're buddies and all that shinanigans. oh well. fuck bitches, get money. except.... every little bit about girls draws me in and makes me want to just be a slave to them... mainly my wife.. the way she smiles and the whole world seems ok because just looking at her so happy lights up every bit of darkness. how every step towards you she takes everything else slowly fades away, and it's just her you see and think about. nothing else matters. I would give anything just to be near her, not even touch her. but when she holds my hand.. oh gods, how much it gives me confidence, like she is my most prized possession and the world knows just how much of a precious jewel I have.

I'm suchhhh a fuck up. honestly, I wish I could say there's one person I've ever cared about that I haven't hurt in some way at some time. most of them beyond repair. the ones I care about the most usually. fuuuuuuuck.

somehow I made it this far, so why the tits is it so hard to get through the rest?? I mean... gr.11 seems easy for so many other people. but I have to consciously try to motivate myself to even try to do all this bullshit that I have absolutely no fucking interest in in the first place. and then there's every single person I hang out with pretty much, complaining when they aren't top in the class or whatever, whilst I'm chilling at the bottom of almost all of my classes. well... absolute bottom in at least 3 or 4... they think it's the end of the world to not get 100% on a test when I'm hoping for a 40% in the classes overall so I'm allowed to take them in summer school. or a 50% so I can get the credits. like there`s a neon arrow over my head saying failure.

just going to go live in a cave my whole life, wait for the money and food to run out and then die where no one can find me. great destiny, eh.

then I think I've got a chance and I get excited and then my dreams are once again killed. the fire burning inside me extinguished. and the circle keeps on going.

<3 <3