is it really worth it anymore? girls are energy drainers. it takes every last ounce of energy just to try and get them to talk to you, and they don't even bother trying.
after two tears of pouring energy in and the last 6 months or so full-time, it takes just a moment to get to the point where there seems to be no point in trying anymore. where she won't even look at you except with that face.. the one that radiates hatred and the desire to kill you in as many ways as possible. when you know you are the cause of such an emotion, you shut down. how could it be possible to fuck up so badly without any intentions to do so? you think back to her never-ending smile and let it sink in that you were the one who stopped it, who brought her to tears. and you'd do anything to turn back the clock, to make it right. there is nothing that can be done.
I'm just another victim to that place that takes over and will do anything to get what it wants: messed up, kinky sex. this beast won't leave me alone. it's gotten me into trouble so many times before, yet I don't know how to lock it up. I want it to die and go away, but it doesn't, it just makes me suffer a little more every day.
once it vanishes I'm stuck with the aftermath, trying to explain how I didn't mean for any of it, how I wish it never happened, how I would do anything to try and erase it. this monster growing inside me just won't let me rest.
how I long for the days where it was easier, before I fucked yet another thing up. it just keeps getting worse and worse, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to take victims. I'm sorry. I wish I could change. I wish I could erase the past. I wish I could be forgiven.
<3 <3
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