and I love her.

so today started off ok. went and did Christmas shopping delivered a few presents. all fine and dandy. then I come home and unwrap a present of awesomeness and rainbows and hello kitty. yes I now have hello kitty ears and a bunch of rainbow earings and stuff. anyways, that's all good.

then I find out someone defriended me on facebook. which even if it's not someone you talk to, is depressing. come on, even ferring waited like 6 months after he started hating my guts to defriend me on facebook. but no, my wife, who 24 prior to when I found out loved me. I know I made a huge mistake and should be punished severly by someone else, although I prolly will end up punishing myself more too, but seriously. it is work outable, I thought. girls, can't live with them, can't live without them. slap me if I'm wrong, but when fighting with friends, it is kinda pointless to defriend them, because you'll just be adding them again in a few days or so. 

and then there's the whole, HOLY FUCK!! I have no idea what to do. I hurt someone who means the whole world to me, who I never ever wanted to hurt in 1000000 years, and I hurt them worse then I originally thought I did. and even worse, I can't even go see them to try and make it up when they ignore my messages because I have no way of getting there. (makes another mental note to kill my mother for moving me out here). the girl I've loved for two fucking years won't talk to me, and prolly hates me enough to want me dead. and I managed to do this in about.. 10mins. great. even less really. and this is why I've realised that the way to tell I'm really in love with someone is if I manage to fuck up badly enough that they actually don't want to be around me. and I can't do anything to stop that. so what's the point in life??

if I could, I would send flowers and chocolate enough to fill her house (which would take twice as much as the average house at least). I would throw little pebbles at her window and learn to play guitar so I could seranade her, or have the boombox blasting love songs held over my head until she came down. I would climb up her house and in her window and force her to listen to how very sorry I am. but who knows if any of it would work. and due to lack of funds and the fact my mom would never let me out at this hour, I cannot. 

so I'll just sit here waiting it out, hoping she'll calm down enough to stop ignoring me. violently shaking because I litterally cannot shed another tear, just shake. and hope this will all work out. and someday I may be able to give her all the things she deserves instead of fucking up. but until that day, I can give her my love. 

<3 <3