should I get up and fix myself a drink?

I love how the second I walk into the back room of the library both librarians end up talking about queer things. it's like OH NIKKI'S HERE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE GAYEST THING YOU CAN THINK OF!!! they see me, talk about my hair. I walk into room, they talk about my play. then that turns into talking about how my school is pretty accepting of gays, especially chicks. it was honestly like they were trying to convince me there is no need for a GSA because everything's all good. which is kinda scary. yes, lesbians have it super easy, and gays are pretty much not even given a second glance in a bad way. the thing they're missing out on is that the kids in the school are really uneducated. the don't realize what it means when they constantly say "that's so gay" and "no homo" and that kind of shizz. and the gr.8s really need to know these things before they turn into something bigger and more likely to cause pain in the lgbt community. and then there's anyone who isn't cis-gendered. the school has NO expirience whatsoever with that. trying to break the cis-gender mold I get torn down, told there's no way I could ever be a guy or manly in any way. people aren't inside my head and they don't know what it feels like. they see the body and expect the being to match it. it doesn't always work that way. it really doesn't work like that at all with me. one more year of the bullshit called highschool...

for the first time in five years I don't actually hate myself. since gr.6 I've had issues with myself. I'd want to run away and be someone else as long as they were anyone but me. every chance I got I'd tear myself down. but for the last couple days or so it's changed. I can look in a mirror and actually think I'm kinda not horrible looking instead of tearing apart every imperfection and hating everything to do with myself. it's great. I get along with myself pretty much. and I can actually feel normal in my skin. the desire to rip off all my flesh and hope to regrow some pretty flesh is gone. just going to hope this lasts. 

<3 <3