gender bending. that seems so normal compared to what I end up doing a lot of the time. although I tend to be a lot more socially acceptable because I'm not fully male. I have my days where I seem to be just a cisgendered girl. and then I have my days where I'm pretty much completely trans. and then my days where I just end up cis from the waist down and trans from the waist up or vice versa. and I feel completely comfortable with a bound chest and a skirt. I mean, who says I have to choose? except then I start to blend in as just another girl and any gender bending efforts are completely lost. the day I grow a legit soul patch will be one of the happiest days of my life. I just want to wear hardcore fashion makeup with facial hair and chop my hair so short that questions rise. I long for androgony, for a place so genderqueer that people stop and take a double take, wondering if they saw right. not sure if I'm anywhere within the bianary. I sit on that middle line where it's hard to keep balance and sometimes I start to fall to one side before I gain my balance again.
I'd love to take hormone blockers so I could actually be neither, have about an equal level of testostrone and estrogen. even taking a bit of T if they'd ever let me, so I could gain that muscle tone and structure of a male, the lower voice, and maybe even start growing my facial hair without some hair transplant or something. but I wouldn't want to take it full course, I still enjoy a few things about being female.
I do somewhat envy those who have it easy and know exactly what they are already. or even those who only have to worry about portraying one. it's a lot less complicated.
anything you want to ask, add, or have talked about in the future let me know.
email: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
facebook: Nikki Oreo Barnes
tumblr: nikkioreo
or comment below.
<3 <3
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