leaving behind the good life. it dawns on me that this means going back. to all the trouble. to where I have pipes of work to get done in no time. where in less than a day I literally don't have a place to live.
the distraction was much needed. the chance to take in the beauty of a world so peaceful and amazing. the chance to see 5 brilliant peices of work, visit a culture that invites me in every way possible. the time to just take a break from all the shit and talk and feel and listen and taste and all that.
although I wonder if I really shouldve taken the time off. now I will be struggling even more to try to work out all the school shit. and there's just that much more of a shocking change to come back to.
but it's given me some time. time needed to think a little. live a little. the upsetting part is some of the conclutions I've come to. I have to make a huge choice. I can choose to go through with a parcial transition and feel at home with my body more often. or I can choose to continue with my dream of playing wftda-aproved roller derby. if I decide to take a few doses of T there will be no way that I'd be allowed to play on a womens team dye to the fact that I'd physically be at too much of an advantage. with the extra testosterone I'd have a more muscle-prone body. and I wouldn't be able to play on a mens team because of the fact that I would still be physically female enough that I would get injured by almost every other player because I wouldn't have a high enough level if testoterone to compete with them. and there aren't any co-ed teams that are very well known or even strong enough to have the same amount of love. particularly in the Vancouver area. possibly once I move to San Fran. but who knowns when and if that will even happen...
so in stuck. I really don't know what to do.
for now just take it one rotation of the wheels at a time. and hope everything works out at some point...
<3 <3
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