Saturday. I remember the day when this was my favorite day of the week. there was so much to do, so much partying to get done, and so much sleep to catch up on. those were the days. now it's all about trying to cram in some studying and homework after a coma of trying to make up for only 4-6 hours of sleep a night on a good day. it doesn't work. then when you actually get a chance to do something fun for once you call a bunch of people and realize all your friends either have lives or aren't allowed to really chill with you (or at least stay over) because of their parents. and the most lovliest reason of them all: your sexual orientation isn't exactly cool with your friends' parents...
so yes, I have no life. and the friends who I would actually want to spend the time with are guys. yet even though you are a freaking FLAMING homosexual your mom doesn't think it's a "good idea" to have guy friends come over when she isn't watching you like a fucking hawk. it makes me laugh. I can have all the girls I want over while she's not home, overnight. girls who there is a high possiblility of me fooling around with. but if it's a boy, and I have NO attraction to that species whatsoever then it's too risqué. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY??
I mean, I like having the freedom to screw girls behind my mom's back when she's off thinking nothing would really happen, but it would be nice just to have some bro time.
besides, I don't really want eanyone else but her. even if she's off being a total fucking closet case. I know that closetedness is superstressful for me, but for her I would do it.
you can shower a girl with compliments and kindness, but the moment you say or do one bad thing THAT is what sticks in her mind. all the good is overpowered by that one tiny piece of bad. and she will never really forgive you. you can take care of her twin sister in a foreign city, dry away her tears many times, and love her more than humanly possible. but still that is not enough with one little mistake. you must appear perfect in your relation to her or else she will never trust you, never believe you, never be able to love you back. that is the human condition. once hurt, and there are no second chances.
all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. to show the world that such a beautiful creature is the one I belong to. but she didn't allow me to have the privledge of knowing if we were each others or if we were just two people coexisting on this planet. so I tried to get her to take notice of me, tried to convince her I wanted only her. I tried too hard. she took it the wrong way. and now I don't even know what she wants. I do not have the privledge of seeing her, hearing her voice, feeling feeling her flesh againt mine. tasting her lips, breathing in her scent. it's too late.
yet another day ends, bringing me to a new day. to a day where I will wake to see a day. an empty day, void of her presence. I do not wish to see this new day.
hopelessness.
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