it's time to take over.

how many times can I run over the same exact thing in my head?? how many different ways can I think to change the past if I could go back or to fix it when I see her. I just want everything to be better. I want peace. with friends, ex friends, enemies, and everything in between.
as a race, we need to stop judging people, stop telling them they aren't perfect. no one's perfect. we all try the best we can, but our mistakes are always with us. we never get a chance to start anew. so we get forced to hate on each other for silly things. I want to wake up every morning and be able to just do whatever with whoever and not have to worry about people holding grudges if I mess up. I want the world to be beautiful once again. is that too much to ask for on my birthday? if so, just give me another chance with one girl. you know which one. the wife who lets my heart bleed like it's a joke. there's not much else I can say.
my heart yerns to be filled, to let my body do the thinking, to let go and give myself over to love 100% without a single worry. most of all I wish I could just melt into her and become one. at least that way I would be close to her. I could help her to get through the next few weeks whilst her twin, her best friend is on the other side of an ocean, with more than a continent between them. if only the candles would actually make it happen instead of giving empty promises.

17. only? already? I just don't even know anymore. I feel like I have been here too long already, like I should be a good way into my 20s, although some moments I feel as though I am still that confused little one who doesn't know who or what they are. waiting for the double digits to hit.
the world has gone to shit since then and I can't recognize it anymore. this can't be the same place that I once fell in love with.

don't forget about the song quote post titles. go ahead and give it a try.

<3 <3      

I'm torn into pieces.

there goes another one... so far two girls went home sick... and I'm boiling and starting to get a headache. fuckkkkk. happy fucking birthday to me.
hopefully no one else starts dying.

<3 <3 

lies and contradictions that you live with everyday.

just don't want to let go. that would mean defeat, yet for once I just want to win, I don't want to give in to her. but she is stubborn and I'm struggling to try and keep up with her and try to break in. into her heart, that place where I once was, but she has now shut me out. the place where I called home before I was shoved through the door and it slammed in my face when I got up to try and get back in. now I'm on the doorstep, waiting for a moment where she'll let me win for once, and open the door so I can come back home and hold her in my arms. for the day when we can continue to have a healthy marriage. and when I can breathe once again. she is my air, my water, my food, my shelter. she has been ripped away like an old band-aid. drowning drowning drowning. can't find the surface to come up. don't want to try anymore, for fear that it will be the end. fear, the thing that runs the human actions. fear to stand out, fear to fit in, fear to stand up for what you believe in, fear to find out the truth, fear to get hurt, fear to revisit the past, fear to move on, fear to see the future, fear of the norm, fear of letting others down, fear of failing, fear of being too much for people's expectations, fear of loving, fear of being alone, fear of the world, fear of being stuck, fear leads our lives. it's about time we revolt, let our fears be our bitches for once. I propose each and every person faces at least one fear in the nest week. and going to school doesn't count, neither does seeing your family. this could be interesting. can't wait to see what happens.

this is all for you babe, I'm not going down without a fight. for the rest of my life I could spend it all chasing you down, begging you to let me come home, please, let me come home. after awhile it could just get boring seeing me try so hard. so maybe you'd lighten up, and loosen your mental deathgrip on my throat. maybe even call back your dogs who are spending their time hurting me a little, trying to make it like losing you twice at the same time.

guess the songs that the lyric-post names are from. try one, or try them all, doesn't matter. comment on the posts or: nikkiasb@hotmail.com

<3 <3

come on and take it easy.

the shows were brilliant. honestly. lifeguards actually pulled together WITHOUT incest, just a few other funny added bits. that was totally and completely fine. got a shitload of laughs. ad it just flowed. it was beautiful, like a magic wand putting everything back together. never been so proud of a project in my life. terrified to start my own play. I have to fucking write a script, cast it, direct them, promote my event, and whatever else izdebski wants to throw at me. gahhh.
bang. oh bang. epic. transvestite maid, stoopid detectives, creepy fireman. love the characters, love the plot, LOVE IT!! honestly, they really got their audience. if they respond to something like that, what will they think of my idea!?

so freaking tired, can't belive I have to get up so early. not cool. 

went full- out 80s and it was beautiful.

song quote/ post titles. guess.

<3 <3

trust in my self-rightous suicide.

so I suppose you could come to the conclusion that I'm a total freak and you don't want to come anywhere near me. that's fine. I quite honestly couldn't care less. just let me know that's what your plan is. I really hate guessing, it drives me up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall... multiple times. I know I have different views on life than a good portion of the world. and that I don't exactly like to talk to people when they talk about their views and I can't relate in the least. call me a bitch it you want, that's your word for it, not mine. I won't fight for anything that isn't worth dying for. plain and simple, if it isn't worth dying for, why the fuck should I bother fighting for it? I'm a lazy ass and I won't do things without a purpose. unless it's fucking up, I see to do that quite well. if you can't get over my little screw ups even after I try my hardest to rectify the situation, why are you worth my time? most of my life I've found it easier to just complain about all the things that suck instead of just being happy with life. I'm FUCKING ALIVE!! that should be enough. although in this day and age in order to be allowed to be happy you're supposed to be 'successful' in the sense that you make a shittonne of money, get almost unattainable grades, and have a tiny little model body. stoopid fucking box that society is forcing us all into. so what if I don't care about money? I'd rather make a difference and just barely scrape by. so what if I'm failing 3 classes and in danger of repeating the grade? teacher's ways of marking my achievements aren't the only opinions that matter. I know I'm bloody brilliant, and no one can take that away from me.

for all the kidlettes and such who think they're so cool because they can't be bothered to type entire words out, FUCK YOU! ..with a horse-sized dildo. you are a huge part in the fall of the english language. you make yourselves seem incompetent and useless. and most of all, you don't even care about what you are doing, you aren't even using such things to make a statement, just to fit in with the new generation of stoopidity.

school. oh dear fucking gods. you need to get you act together. if you honestly think you can stick 20-30 kids in one room with one teacher trying to cram bullshit into their minds in only one way of learning, you are sadly mistaken. the worst part is, most of these teachers aren't even bothered enough to get to know their students and help them learn in the styles that they actually get stuff. instead they decide to write them off as the 'bad' kids. and then they wonder why kids skip class, fail tests, don't do homework, and create as much trouble as possible in class. maybe if the system took each student's needs into account, allowed them to have a personalized learning plan, maybe then they would see good results in the schools. as it is, they are setting the world up for failure. the school system is failing the kids or today by using the thought process of yesterday. a new plan for education needs to be thought out, and fast.

I know I live in a shit town, go to a shit school, and inhale bullshit like a fat kid inhales cake after a crash diet. I'm starting to be okay with that. I have a few good people to get me through it. I refuse to be completely shoved into the box. I create a new way in life for myself and there's nothing that could possibly stand in the way of that for more than a few seconds. I am strong, independent, and I will be happy. I am alive. I can breathe. I can feel. that's more than most of the world can say for themselves. so I will learn to treasure every moment. even if those moments are ones spend by myself, pinning hopelessly after a girl who may never again return my feelings. at least I have dreams.



so guys, honestly, you should really let my know what songs you think my post titles are quotes from. either comment on the post itself, or hit me up at nikkiasb@hotmail.com

<3 <3

it started out with a kiss.

this is my lame make up for falling asleep at the crack of... 10pm last night. but really can't blame me, I'm bloody tired. thank fucking gods that after this week there's no more rehearsals. only two days of performing and I'm done with that shizz till... march/ April ish.
can't wait for school to be done with. spring break is welcome at any time. or summer. just can't wait till I don't have 8 courses to worry about. maybe I can afford to have a spare next year. that would be great. and I could use it to SLEEP!! or go on coffee breaks. it's kinda freaking annoying how much homework and mentally draining school stuff I have to put up with on a daily basis. lucky fucking bastards who can coast through with As without even really trying. or just having to take the courses I can actually use in my endevours, not the stoopid things that won't help me in any way shape or form. oh well, only 1 1/2 years and I'm out. 

<3 <3 

and they love each other so androgynous.

wanting to let go, to be free, to forget everything. although next time I see her I know that it'll all just come rushing back.. IF I ever see her again.. that's the part that scares me most. although if it feels like I already lost her, why do I think it's such a big fucking deal?? I'm only human. as much as I try to get away from all this bullshit emotion stuff, it's embedded in my very being. the roller coaster can't be helped.

for now just going to be excited, friday night I'll be done with one acts for the year!!! FREEFUCKINGDOM!!! I will finally be able to actually do things after school, or even go HOME. how much I missed going home before the sun goes down. and pottery club. I feel like I haven't been in EONS!!!

so I finally asked mr.bone if he would be a sponsor teacher for a GSA. of course he wants to, just doesn't know how much he can do only being day ones and with pottery club. so ms.kirk is hopefully going to help out too. and kinda have to go check in with administration that they'll let us. if not, I'm off to go kick some ass. because that's just fucking bullshit. apparently ms.kirk tried a few years ago and they wouldn't let her. so just gunna hope that they've changed their minds. or it was just an old principal, but since it's a new one this year.... *crosses fingers*

needs to get derby shizz rolling again (hahaha. I am so punny) anyways, people needs to go get skates, get together, and we need to start acting like a fucking team. then again with... 4? of the girls hate my guts. yeah. sounds about right. siiiick. how the bloody tits is that going to work out then??? *slams head against wall* need to get her to talk to me, then her sisters and bestie will not hate me so much, and maybe won't hate me anymore. hopefully. yeahhh.

rockstar day. kiss makeup. rockband. should be good. better get more chocolate. the only reason I make it through the days anymore. woot.

so yeah. you guys, GUESS THE SONGS THAT THE POST TITLES ARE QUOTES FROM!!!!
you can do it!!

<3 <3

you're already the ghost inside my head.

two months ago we were in love. in a crucial few seconds I fucked up. and then you were gone. out of my life, out of my my reach. where I was out of your mind, out of your heart. do you ever think about me still? have you forgotten all the memories? do you care even a little anymore? I know I do. I can't get away from you. everyone in the halls reminds me of you in some way, I can't hear music, sing, or dance without thinking of you, in conversations random words bring me back to times with you, and when I'm on my own my mind strays and you're the one who fills it. each day when I wake up, for that split second I forget you hate me then it hits me like an avalanche to the heart. I'm stuck in a world that has gone off it's axis and is now revolving around you. nothing else matters. I keep hoping the end of this misery is near, wishing to get killed in some tragic accident, or at the very least walk away with a bad case of amnesia so I can forget that I ever knew you. 

so badly do I want to make things better. I really just want to talk to you, see your face, hear your voice. you could slap me, punch me, yell at me.. still I would be fine, at least I'd know you acknowledge my existance. maybe then your anger would simmer and you could finally hear my apologies and begin to let me repair the damage. I know it will take a while to build back your trust, but I would do it, for you. just tell me how. I would be your slave, your punching bag, your anything you want. just to be close to you, just to know you're ok. I don't know how to get through to you. you don't reply to any of my messages or texts and everytime I pick up the phone to call I just can't. I tell myself it's because I know you're afraid of phones and I don't want that awkwardness to add to your not wanting to talk to me in the first place. but really, I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'll tell me to dissappear, and never enter your life again, to stay away from any situation when mutual friends would bring us together, to stay away from your friends too. I'm so afraid that anytime I think about calling I feel my stomache twist and I think I'm going to puke. 

the only escape is to run to the cover of food, hoping it will fill the void left in my heart. it never works, but that doesn't stop me from trying. it just helps me farther into a pit of wallowing and self-pity. which is stoopid, because I don't deserve it. I am the monster. I fucked up. I should be mercilessly punished. but I'm not just that one part. mostly, I hate myself for what I've done. so really, we both hate me. we should band together to hate me. or you could give the rest of me, that isn't evil, the chance to prove myself to be worthy of your time. and then I could promise to bring you nothing but happiness to the best of my abilities. and eventually, things could return to a place where I could once again make you smile despite the worst of days. that's what I really want, to be the one to make you smile again. 







songs = post titles. guess the songs. do it. do it now. 

<3 <3 

I said yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little chaaange.

what's the point of living if you don't have a dick? -Donnie Darko

there is so much running through her mind: the way the one she love's heart is beating when torn apart from hers, the way her eyes are drooping ever so slowly after days of no remorse, the tears just behind them, waiting to burst into tears whenever that one girl's mentioned. she can't breathe anymore. she wants to just make it easy and just seace to exist, but that is not really a great option. she refuses to be just another gay teen suicide. instead, she wants to be recognized for every ounce of beauty she provided the world with. so now, She shall sit and wait for the day she may once again be whole and contented. until that day, the breeze sways her thoughts around..

don't forget to try to guess the songs from the titles if my posts. who cares if you're wrong??

<3 <3 

and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks.

he fights his way to the top, pushing, shoving, punching, just to get beaten down again with words. who's to say he isn't a real boy? she is lost, she doesn't know where she's going, or even where she would like to be going. she hides behind him, wondering if she'll ever have to face the same pain he goes through every day. he hopes she never will, but knows in his heart that she will, at some point we all do. he will continue to shelter her from the hurt in the world, even if it means he begins to crack a little himself from the extra pressure he's put upon himself in the process. she thinks she knows what she wants finally, she wants to be more like him. he warns her to keep it inside, what would the kids at school say if they knew? maybe it would be better if they didn't hang around together all the time. sometimes she enters a room and she struggles to keep her emotions inside, gags on the lies of a peace within herself. she never really was like the other girls, she had ambition, she had blood lust, she had a strange desire to be closer than normal with her girls. when she's on her way out, he walks in, not knowing if the rest of the world is linking them together. he hopes, for her sake that they don't, that she never really has to hear how society doesn't exactly except people like them. his heart bleeds at the thought of her having to defend herself against the cruelty of the others that surround her at any given time. he is chased into a corner and he isn't even sure himself if he is a real boy anymore. they have finally gotten to him. the tears are starting to fall, but he's not just crying for himself, he cries for her as well. little does he know that she is doing the same thing on the other side of the door. she has been questioning herself for as long as she can remember, but somehow it is just harder all of a sudden. this time everything is real. she opens the door and runs into his open arms where they let the salt wash away their wounds until next time. for now everything makes sense. he and she are one. hir voice has a tinge of sadness left over, but other than that, completely fine.

finally the weekend, not that it'll seem like it, seeing as I have rehearsal in the morning and all... suckage. another weekend of no time to really sleep in. on well, got blenz across the street if we have a break. gahhhh

just another reminder, anyone out there who's reading this, GUESS THE SONGS. if you can guess the songs that my post titles are from hit me up or comment. doesn't matter if they're wrong.
nikkiasb@hotmail.com

<3 <3

her dishonesty has scarred hands.

jesus fucking christ... technically that's masturbation.

she longs after other girls. she craves the crevices of their skin, every last curve of their perfect bodies. how she lusts to be the one that they let hold them, comfort them, kiss them, protect them from harm's way, melt into them. but one look, and they all seem to go running the other way. stoopid fucking teases. they are what she calls a whore: those LGs who would make out with their best friend to get a boy's attention, but make fun of true lesbians. then there are the few that let her near them. they pretend that they care, pretend they are 100% into it even with the closet swallowing them into a submission. they think it doesn't matter when they leave her alone, like she didn't love them in the first place, when really that's just their feelings. she tries to mend her broken heart yet again, maybe this time all the pieces aren't there. again and again she throws herself at the first girl who doesn't start running. she gives them everything, her soul, her heart, her body, yet they still go on to smash the pieces of her already fragile heart. they don't get it. they think she's just another being stuck on this earth just trying to get through, trying to get off. they don't take into account that she has emotions. they don't see her when the doors close and the tears simultaneously drip down her numbed cheeks, like blood from an old wound torn again. they don't see when she can't be bothered to move, to eat, to sleep because she knows it will just be another day empty, without the one who can put her heart back together again. they don't see her drown herself in depression. despair and failure have become the rulers of her once-living soul. but they never see any of this, they just assume she is just like the rest. they never suggest she might have once had hopes and dreams, aspired to be someone, do something, support someone. they never could have guessed at first glace, but they never give her that second chance. she fumbles in the dark trying to get someone to notice, trying to get some help. she's finally learned she can never win, so she gives up on hope completely.
how would you end a misery? could you be the light to save a soul?


remember guys, you can guess what songs the post titles are from at any time. go for it, give it a shot. the only way you won't get it for sure is if you don't try. have a good one.

<3 <3

don't you ever, every feel like you're less than fucking perfect.

sorry. I know, I suck. I passed out around 10.30 last night, but here's some crap free verse from math yesterday..






how can someone love you one moment
and hate you the next?
how can 2+ years of amazing friendship
go to waste over one thing?
the sad part is it wasn't big,
the worst that you could make of it.
it doesn't measure up.
if I could see inside her head
just to figure out why
why won't she talk to me?
I crumble again and again
how many time can a heart break
still over the same girl?
I feel the cold
it's settled in my bones.
only despair
no way to find hope again.
there she is walking away
I call her name
but she won't turn.
she enjoys watching me squirm,
feeds off my misery
I am lost
without her my soul is empty
maybe this is what she always wanted.
so she turns them all against me
I'm drowning
it's happening again.











pain
it flood my body
invading, molesting
until the job is done.
there is no return
suffering
it must end.
like a drug
I just can't give her up
I can't confront her
she is toxic

I am toxic

I should be locked away

everything I touch becomes damaged

for the things I am, I die

no one should see the nightmare

my end would stop the

pain.

<3 <3

I came to bring the pain hardcore from the brain.

today was all like. ewwwww. I hate school, don't want anything to do with it, etc. except english. it's actually kinda sad how much I can relate to all the existentialist crap. makes me think more and more about who I really am. plus it doesn't help that people look down upon it and say how it's all depressing and all that fun stuff.

oh and yeah, the dream's still living strong. work at a coffee shop or something to pay the bills, then dedicate the rest of my time to fighting for the causes I believe in. apparently there are no big protesters from generation y. maybe I'll be the first??? prolly not, people should come to their senses before I'm out of school and can accomplish that. but if everyone else is stoopid and lazy I can do it.

today I've been relighting the mental torch of inspiration and I think I'm ready to actually go for it and make a GSA. what do I have to lose??? and with a few awesome people who I know will be there and be epic. cause they love me, and I love them too. jeebus, as exciting as this all is, I think it's officially making me tired, too much adventure.

not enough time in a day, how am I supposed to learn japanese and physics and stuff like that when the only thing I can think about is how to plan the perfect day of silence... and my wife of course. can't even walk the halls in my new school without thinking of her. stoopid dance squad and their making me think of her amazing moves every time I see anyone moving to a beat at all. that is all.

try your hand at figuring out the post's title songs. you can do it. hit me up: nikkiasb@hotmail.com

<3 <3

are you an illusion or am I just getting stoned.

I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to clear room to figure any of it out until I know what I need and what can go. it's a vicious circle. draws you in, makes you into a slave.
there really is nothing that I can do to stop it. what do I know? I like girls, a particular few mostly. I have almost no balls when it comes to girls I like. there is a very slim chance of me getting into a good post secondary school with the rate my grades are at now. I don't know if any of my 'besties' but one are actually still my friends. really I lost myself inside this body I must inhabit. I want to get back to who I am before I am completely unrecognizably changed by this life. just waiting to be free, to let the world and all it's beauty just sweep me off my feet and lead me on a journey to discovery.

how much I long to become one with nature, to allow for us to live at peace. if only the wars could end, the judgement would subside, and the peoples would allow for the nature to grow on it's own without the hinderance of humans. I wish I could live up in a tree with other crazy nature-loving lesbians and do our part to save the world one tree at a time, moving on to small cities and towns, and finally making our way up to world famous capitals.

is it so hard to see that in order to survive as a race, humans need to sacrifice getting that newer, new xbox or whatever, give up the things we don't need, and just be at peace with everything on this planet. and GIVE UP THE ANIMAL CRUELTY!!! as soon as I'm out on my own and can afford it, I prolly will slowly start to go more and more vegan. but for now I have to put up with a little bit of guilt while my mother forces me into believing that a little bit of dead animal is needed in order for human life to work.

so yeah. peace and love and... SOY!!!!
and sex of course, can't forget the sex.. which reminds me. girlieeeees. hit my up!!!

and everyone, guess the songs the titles of my posts are from. let me know what you think.
nikki asb@hotmail.com

<3 <3

I used to dream you up and make you up in my mind.

driving lesson... you were interesting. just a few more before the nikki is off to get her N. which hopefully will be somewhat closely followed by getting my first truck. yes, I say truck because I'm that badass and I hate how low cars are. besides trucks are fucking sexy. I have literally dreamed about sexy trucks with orgasmic paint jobs. still the coolest paint job I've ever seen is still the demon truck with flames and the devil on the hood and a demon spawn on the gas tank cover. intricate designs for the win. I mean, what could be better than mixing art, trucks, and girls??? exactly: nothing. so yes, I am allowed to dream about it.

today I found myself needing to call 'my girl' and tell her how beautiful she is. I then realized that I'm single.. and not really even in the prospect of being with someone. apparently I physically don't know how to be single. greaaaat. which makes waiting around for my wife to cool down and talk to me even harder to do. am I fucked or am I fucked?? and not in a good way. but can I really help it that I want someone to wrap my arms around and shelter from the cruelty of the world, someone to touch and feel and connect with, someone to love and not have to worry about what anyone else thinks. it's hard enough finding girls that are into me and don't live hours away, let alone OUT girls.

really can't wait to chop off my hair. might have to do it without my mom knowing too. which makes it even cooler. don't exactly know how exactly I'm going to do it yet, but I can figure it out, got lost of time. stooooked for the epic black hair though. been waiting for it since summer. really miss the red bits too.

random fact of the day: I don't really have friends, they just pretend. if they were real we'd actually talk, we'd keep feeling like we were always together despite the distance. we wouldn't keep growing farther and farther apart until I ask myself on a daily basis if it was just a dream. I wouldn't be thrown into a state of limbo where back home no one cares about our past together, only what's going on without me, and where all that matters in the past my new 'home' has spent together, never mind the fact that I'm here now. in a way I've felt this since gr.4, the first time a switched between tsawwassen and richmond. I have never been a whole of either since my roots were ripped up without a proper explanation. just shards of a human's soul, a mixture of everything that the soul contains burned until only a few lucky ashes remain.

*new contest*
for all of you who are amazing out there, I have a little bit of a trivia bit for you.
every day since the begining of the year (so all the 2011 post except the very first one) are quotes from songs. if you can figure out what song hit me up: nikkiasb@hotmail.com
put the title of the post aka the quote, and your guess at the song. feel free to guess at every single one.
this will be an ongoing contest. no, there are no big prizes for getting the most right, this is just for fun.
also, if you have any topics or questions you'd like me to discuss send them my way.
love you,

<3 <3

teach you how to be a holy cow.

ok. so I am freaking brilliant. I managed to sleep in till 4pm. yes, apparently 15 hours for sleep is a must. this is without trying, just not able to get out of bed and function. not sure if I'm a win or a fail... but not quite a whale fin. really feel like I should go eat something right about now. mmmm mashed potatoes or tortellini with butternut squash on top. maybe some smoked salmon. NOM. then top it all off with a piece of mud pie and chocolate fondue. that is pure bliss. eat away feelings, the best way to assure that I won't go crazy. and yeknow, maybe keep a little warmer for the winter.

so I'm slightly growing back eyebrows, they're still really sparse, but at least you can kinda see them when I don't have makeup to show them. that makes me kinda happy. maybe I can actually go places without having to spend forever to make myself presentable. oh how amazing that would be.

starting to dread my birthday a little. so many people in one place.. all pretending that they actually want to be there. that I'm not just some chore that they have to do, have to try to keep from going over the edge. it really isn't fair. to them or to me. but yet I'll try harder and harder to get them to really like me. just like how I'll never give up on my wife, no matter how much she turns me down, ignores me, and hurts me more and more inside in the process. I can be stubborn in the midst of my tears. that is one thing the world has learned about me very well.

need to break out of this shell, where everything is predictable and safe. I miss the days where I didn't know where I'd end up or with who. where I would just take off into the night and hope for an adventure greater than the last. where there was no end to the chaos we could get up to, the risk we could put ourselves through. the only limit was having to be back before light. many times I didn't quite make that, the sounds of the first birds of the morning were my cue to come back to reality and back to the boring old life I had to live out during the day. each night was when I came to life, a new person. I miss that person who I was. she didn't care about anything, there were no boundaries to what her life contained, she just let it all happen. even getting pulled over by cops, greening out so hard that she passed out and woke up just to go barf, or getting caught couldn't stop her. what is fear? why do I feel it now when that girl inside me never did? why can't I bring her back?

there is just one major thing I wish I could do without a second thought: take off and go to meet friends. go stand outside my wife's house with flowers and such for hours until she finally starts talking to me again, meeting up for derby, helping those "friends" through hard times, being there for the memories that I couldn't miss out on and still call myself part of the group, actually going to gab and meeting all these new kids that help me feel at home with myself. the possibilities are endless. if only I wasn't afraid of the wrath of my mother, if only she would allow me to go live my life like that. no, I let the fear take over and don't even bother to ask anymore. just another wuss in the world, only worse, I think I'm different, I think that I can stand out and make a change.

as we discover more and more about ourselves we want to change how others perceive us. although, they have a picture of us stuck in their heads, of our pasts. we cannot make them see us as we are, as our future will be. so we hold ourselves back and return to how we were before. then we wonder why we are never happy, why things never change for the better. why we can never achieve what we set out to do. we are a fucking stoopid race. yet we think we are so much smarter than anything else, so much better then any other species. really, we should all die, allow the world to live on without us getting in the way, but for some reason humans fear death, think of it as the end, can't see the bigger picture. for that we deserve death even more.

<3 <3

I cry when angels deserve to die.

as humans, all our lives we've been striving to real certain goals in life. we need to be beautiful, have the best marks, possess the most useless crap, have more power, become the most famous, and make sure everyone knows the stories about us. sometimes we're one of the lucky ones that gets to go create something new for themselves and be different. I mean, humans are a complex organism, so why would we have to all do the exact same thing? no one tells you how to dress or even if you should dress at all. this is because we're trusted to give into society and conform. as soon as we are forced to join in on the ranks of schooling, the school board and government start their slow, painful way of keeping every new member of the species. we really have no choice, there isn't a single barter that'll work for getting away. our looks, feelings, and beliefs along with out grades in school get us beat up and in a place where you just want to be dead, to get away from all of it. society just brings about a higher risk for depression..

me being a human, I am trying to find myself, although somewhere along the way I'm getting lost in both my past that I refuse to let go of and the person who I want to be. it's like they plan my life out and I'm just the girl listening to my other parts telling me what to do. really, I'm so lost. I have no idea who I am, what gender I lay under even..needless to say, I'm a little more than slightly confused. in the midst of this, I make crappity crap crapness turn into a full-blown battle, at least I'm trying. I could wallow in self pity at the fact that I have shit grades, shit family, practically no friends, I'm single, and a bunch of randoms. but I really don't want to. this is about something bigger. each morning I wake up and immediately ask myself a few questions: who am I, where am I, what gender(s) am I, and am I completely alone. I never usually have the answers, but at least I can pretend I care.

I had something brilliant I was going to write here, then I started falling asleep on my keyboard and forgot, so I might just wait for next year.. so untill next time

<3 <3

I'm a loser.

don't feel like writing anything... just letting you know..
spent like 3 hours reading old conversations with the ex from when we were together..
goodnight interwebs. might do something in first block...

<3 <3

it's ok to eat fish cause they don't have any feelings.

today was weirdddd. so there was a shitload of snow sticking around that I had to clear off  the car.. not fun. I wore freaking thigh-high socks that covered my whole legs underneath my jeans. just to keep warm. then went to directing and script writing where I did... nothing. followed by more watching of fight club. and since we were getting to the end the whole thing's 'making sense' now. and I mean, I saw it coming about halfway through the movie, but those kind of movies just have so much I can relate to. I don't understand sanity, and none of my friends are sane. so yeah... that kind of put me in this weird place the rest of the day where I didn't care about anything in school, it was just things happening to some outside person. and I really, really just felt the need to pound someone. start a fight just for fun, feel the pain of a fist connecting with my flesh. then there's that little thing where with me pain = NOM. the mention of fights gets me thinking about how fights can end up just being foreplay... at least with me..

I suppose to a point the feelings of love and hate combine in one in fights. you want to injure the person you're fighting, show them you're the 'alpha male'. but then they could really be your best friend or a lover and during the fight something clicks and it's just a total turn on. come on, sex isn't sex without a struggle. why else would bondage be so popular?? for kinky people like me that the click actually happens, it is beautiful. but then you can't fight without having that and you just get really horny and it doesn't exactly end well. being a derby girl, fighting and aggressive contact pretty much rule a sector of my life. well, always has, even before I found derby.. I was always the one who, as soon as teachers needed help lifting stuffs or anything asking for the strong boys, I'd be the first to volunteer. what can I say? I can't turn down a good chance to show my manliness or to fight.. fist fights made my childhood. no wonder my mom tells me I should have been born a boy....

rawr. then there's the whole gender thing. honestly, I get the whole physical gender thing. but on an emotional level, we are all humans with values and there is beauty within us. why should we give a label and taint that beauty? I am not a gender. I have no fucking gender. I am a person. that is all the world should see, but society feels the need to be all like OMIGAWDS YOU'RE A GIRL!! now go off and make everything pink and butterflies and unicorns cause you're a pretty princess. (go fucking die in a hole) yesh. society makes me want to go barf in the box, unless I've already blown it up by then..

pce bitches.
remember to hit me up with some questions and stuff.

<3 <3

I've been denied all the best ultrasex.

sometimes I just want to murder them all. seriously. my cast for the one act I'm directing is insane. the guys are pretty much reason enough on it's own to be a lesbian. every rehearsal I become more and more aware of why I am not attracted to men. I mean, I feel for them, but if they want to get anywhere in life they have to learn to just chill the fuck out and being human beings. so far they don't seem to know how to do that. today I was screaming at them and using a prop squirt bottle to try to get them to pay attention. and of course they try to make the whole play into this big, long dirty pool of incest. not cool.

so other than the possiblity I may be going to jail for killing them, my school stuff suckkkkkks still.. the only subject I actually like right now is english. cause I'm a nerd. wait, no if I was a nerd I wouldn't be failing/ near failing 3 subjects. and getting low Bs in my other academics. yes, I'm only getting As in drama and ceramics. and right now I hate them both. boring anoyingness to the max.

so yeah. GIRLS. the one thing that I can actually talk about for days and still come back to the word NOM. honestly, I'm freaking deprived. I need someone to hold my hand, to keep in my arms so I can pretend to have it all together for their sake, to love. I thought I had it all. she's perfect and she love(d/s) me. I just want to know which. does she still love me, does she still crave every moment together with the same lust that I do? or has she forgotten it all and given into the world where the connections you had don't matter anymore, where you can want someone with your whole heart one day and with one tiny mistake on their part have the whole thing come crashing down till you're left feeling nothing for them. this girl has driven me crazy for years, each day I wake up knowing I won't hear from her, she doesn't seem to want me in any part of her life, my heart breaks all over again. each moment where I think I'm a little bit happy again, then it hits me, and it isn't complete knowing she's out there somewhere being mad at me. I can't let go, and quite frankly, I don't want to. in her own way she's been my entire life for what seems like a lifetime. I don't want to let her go, but I feeel like I've pretty much run out of options for how to get her to listen to me. I could call her, yes, but
1. she's afraid of phones
2. I'm afraid of saying something even more stoopid and her being pissed for longer.
3. what if one of her parents or sisters picks up? I'm pretty sure she's told her sisters something, not sure what though so who knows if her parents know. or even if no one picks up and I leave a message and then she doesn't respond yet again...

yeahhhh. I am just a total freakazoid. who really has issues. just letting you know.

oh and since this whole blog has turned into a whingfest, all of you who bother to read these anymore comment or send me an e-mail: nikkiasb@hotmail.com    send me topics, questions, anything of the sort to keep this blog readable without wanting to kill yourself. thanksya.

<3 <3 

gravity always wins.

here's the thing: yes I am a major fucking flirt when it comes to cute girls. but when I love someone I'm pretty fucking determined to do everything I can to make it happen. or else I go hide in a corner and let myself be a victim to life. that happens a lot more often actually... then again I tend to be quite a pussy lately. need to stop it, I know. go fight for my woman. be a good little pimp.

school is still going down the shitter. although I think I did my homework for all my classes today, not so much for tomorrow. but that's when I have my shit classes, except physic.. I had that today. it can go die in a hole. so can math. and japanese. then I might actually do well in school. *gasp* I know, shocker, me doing well.

lately I've been watching a lot of LGBT vlogger grooups. go check some of them out: beaverbunch, babybeaverbunch, LGBTeens
just do it. the latter two are teen groups, the first is older, but equally, if not more, awesome. hottest from each?? beaverbunch- jess, babybeaverbunch- can't remember her name... she has long dreadish hair, LGBTeens- amber.. or amanda. well they're pretty much all hot... hehe.

yeah. me + girls can be dangerous sometimes. I get horny wayyyy to fucking easily. I think with my dick a little too much. which isn't a good thing.

really need to get started on making Palmer's GSA. is needed. even sitting in the back room with the guys in directing and scriptwriting, they kept being all like "that's so gay" and calling people "faggots". honestly. they're fucking stoopid boys. wonder why I have zero attraction to boys. although... one of them would make a really hot girl. the whole cute flippy hair and girliness in the face. you can just tell. ...yeah. *snaps out of faze* Palmer is needing something to stop all the fucking homophobia. I mean, there's no severe bashing or discrimination or anything, but just the sheer ignorance of how much throwing around words like that can hurt, and prolong one's suffering and closetness and the giggling at the fact of anyone coming out and talking about it like it's this big, controversial thing. I just want to cover the world in peace and love and rainbows. and have it rain hot, naked women. nom. my mind refuses to come out of the gutter. oh well, it's taco time anyways XD

for now I shall think of the hottest women on my mind and hope to have good dreams about them, cause if I can't have my wife... or any other girl for that matter, at least I can have extremely hot dreams that leave me needing to chug a shitload of water as soon as I wake up because I drooled away most of my body's water..

<3 <3 

I really don't think I'm strong enough.

so I kinda just want to start over. with everything. shave my head, pumice stone my skin off, have a clean slate with everything: friends, school, life, GIRLS!! yeah... or really, mainly myself. the most wonderful thing in the world would be to be able to start my relationship with myself over. honestly, we've had such a hate-hate thing going on, myself and I. that really needs to change... maybe that could be part of my whole fucking up everythingness. if I'm gunna be cheesy I could go on about how you have to love yourself to love other people and all that bullshit but I won't, because I'm nice.

school... tomorrow. go away. really haven't started studying for any of my tests or done most of my homework. I did a bit. but that's cause it's an incentive class and I'm worst in the class already because of that. yeah. fuckkkk. who's bloody brilliant idea was it that I have to work my ass off to keep from failing gr.11 when I have about.. zero motivation and only a tiny amount of an attention span (only for the things I WANT to do of course). shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I'm gunna have to make shit out of straws this week.. *shoots self* and tests. but I get to watch FIGHT CLUB in english. so that's cool. might have to stop by the art room after school and try to chill with mr.bone for awhile and laugh at bitchface behind her back or something. =P

gahhhr. been fighting with my hair all day. want the blonde GONEEE!! as in go die in a hole and never come back. my roots are freaking longer than the blonde. what the tits??? time for chop chop. totally wanna go for a like.. faux hawk type thing with the little emo tail thingies in front of ears. you know what I'm talking about. I hope. just go google emo haircuts... prolly for boys. and you'll see what I mean. or look at your scene slut friends' pictures from when they had mullets. cause you know they all have at some point.. wooow. I feel like a horrible person.. sorry. just don't like people who call my cumdumpsters everytime they see me... I mean JEEBUS, I was trying to figure stuff out, so I slept around a bit. I WAS CONFUSED. now I'm better. I LIKE GIRLS!!! yes, I get that now. boys were a cover up for me to hide from myself. yeupppp. glad that's all sorted out.

anyways.. pce

<3 <3

put your hands down my pants.

gotta love those days at home where it feels like everyone just wants you to go away. what happened to having friends??? oh right, I don't have the ability to keep many of those. not like they really exist in large quantities anyways, would just be nice if people would tell you they don't like you instead of pretending everything's fine and you're buddies and all that shinanigans. oh well. fuck bitches, get money. except.... every little bit about girls draws me in and makes me want to just be a slave to them... mainly my wife.. the way she smiles and the whole world seems ok because just looking at her so happy lights up every bit of darkness. how every step towards you she takes everything else slowly fades away, and it's just her you see and think about. nothing else matters. I would give anything just to be near her, not even touch her. but when she holds my hand.. oh gods, how much it gives me confidence, like she is my most prized possession and the world knows just how much of a precious jewel I have.

I'm suchhhh a fuck up. honestly, I wish I could say there's one person I've ever cared about that I haven't hurt in some way at some time. most of them beyond repair. the ones I care about the most usually. fuuuuuuuck.

somehow I made it this far, so why the tits is it so hard to get through the rest?? I mean... gr.11 seems easy for so many other people. but I have to consciously try to motivate myself to even try to do all this bullshit that I have absolutely no fucking interest in in the first place. and then there's every single person I hang out with pretty much, complaining when they aren't top in the class or whatever, whilst I'm chilling at the bottom of almost all of my classes. well... absolute bottom in at least 3 or 4... they think it's the end of the world to not get 100% on a test when I'm hoping for a 40% in the classes overall so I'm allowed to take them in summer school. or a 50% so I can get the credits. like there`s a neon arrow over my head saying failure.

just going to go live in a cave my whole life, wait for the money and food to run out and then die where no one can find me. great destiny, eh.

then I think I've got a chance and I get excited and then my dreams are once again killed. the fire burning inside me extinguished. and the circle keeps on going.

<3 <3

my eyes wide shut because of you.

every time I think it'll be ok, I think I can heal a little, I think that I could possibly even move on, then BAM there she is, her name shoved right in my face as if it's mocking me. I can't shut it out. like, once it's there I need to grab every ounce of her presence I can, need to try to find out everything I can. it's like an obsession. and I just can't get away. I need to do one of two things 1. talk to her, figure this all out 2. get over it.
I know that isn't really something that I want to do, but in order to stay sane I'm going to have to. I'll give myself till the end of next weekend. if I haven't talked to her by then, I'll do everything it takes to move on. I can't wait in limbo forever, right?? I would wait for her forever if she asked me to, but right now I don't know what she wants....
I want to be able to eat real food without wanting to puke for hours after, to breathe without feeling so much guilt because she won't even listen to my apologies, to sleep when I go to bed instead of hours later after going over a million scenarios..

there is just so much that I don't want to regret never getting a chance to do. if only I could just wave a magic wand and make it all better. if only we were in hogwarts and I knew a good memory charm.

can't wait for the bloody rain to go away, been months since I've been on my skates, need to get out more, need to start derbying again with the girls. a good way to take out some aggression in a healthy way. and as a bonus, keep my mind off of everything...

so yeah, totally found out what mr.bone meant about how bitchface is one of those people who pretends to be nice but is so fucking clueless. I asked for a needle and thread, so she goes on a hunt for her sewing machine.. at least I know where her personal stash of beads and clasps and floss and stuff is, and I have permission to take some at any time. but she won't buy me with that. I still can't stand her. most of the class I spent in the storage room finding glitter and india ink and stuff to keep away from the class. rawr.

and I have a shitload of homework that I need to get done, but no fucking attention span to do it or anythingg.

and of course when I finally meet a cute girl who's actually interested she lives like hours away. almost in the next province. not that I'm really ready to actually do anything. I'm still completely hung up on my wife. shit, girls are so much trouble.

<3 <3

let me out of this dream.

on one hand I would melt and do anything for her at the slightest hint. I would run across the world if she so wished. I would dedicate every last moment to her. on the other, I'm so fed up with the mind games. I just want it to stop. just want her to tell me what to do, should I be waiting around or is it useless?

just one girl can make me feel so many emotions. it scares me a little. I mean, when I finally grow a pair and call her or actually get to talk to her who knows what could happen. I could get absolutely crushed. I guess that would explain my outburst of more than usual sexualness... it's not my fault that in my insecurity I tend to flirt with every girl I see or start randomly talking to online. it's a healthy way to let out all the tension that's been building up. and pretend that I'd much rather be a player than actually be 100% with her, making her happy in every way possible, being there for her every need. dear gods, this girl has my head spinning so fast I'm getting whiplash and I don't know if it will ever be able to heal. my heart's flippity flopping in my throat, trying to suffercate me so I don't have another chance to make a fool out of myself. but knowing me, there's always a chance to do that, even if I'm desperately trying not to. story of my life.

I wish I could just sit and watch her forever, she's just that beautiful.
every time I blink I'm surprised that she wasn't a dream
I wish I could hold her,
save her from the world,
alas I have nothing.
I cannot change her mind on my own.

slowly, it begins to hurt a little bit less, until I see her picture, hear her name, remember her smile. then it's a spiral back to square one. will this circle ever end??

<3 <3

and I don't want the world to see me,

looks like I'm all alone. for life. I am one of 

those super-skilled people to manages to fuck 

things up quite a bit and get it to the point 

where a fair amount of my friends hate me, want 

me dead, or dedicate their lives for awhile to 

making mine a living hell. I've been called 

everything in the book by almost everyone I ever 

really cared about. I should be used to it by now,

but it still gets to me every time. I'm so fucking 

tired of not knowing who actually hates me, who 

hates me for the time being, and who's trying to 

stab me in the back. I really need to stop 

getting close to people in any way.
 
most of all I need to shut myself off emotionally 

from girls until I know they can be trusted. too 

often do I tell a girl I love her and I completely 

give her my heart, then she has a fucking mashine

gun that she uses to blow it to pieces at pretty 

much the first chance she gets. then again, I 

need to be able to stop screwing up with girls, 

because it prolly feels like I've done the exact 

same thing. or at least it did in the begining. 

she looks fine now, every picture she's smiling 

and beautiful and carefree. like now that she 

doesn't have to worry about me there's nothing 

else in the world that can really screw her up. 

I can't help it, I'm jealous. of everyone who gets 

a bit of her attention, of everyone who can 

actually talk to her without having to carefully 

plan each word that is useless and most likely 

unseen anyways, of everyone that gets the grace 

of her hugs and words and love. I fucked up, 

apparently there's no letting up, not even a little.
 
I'm getting really fucking sick of the games, of the 

ignoring. not like I can do much about it. I've 

worked so much to try to get anything, but no, she's 

pretty insistent on being like that. I mean, I'd love 

to just show up and surprise her and make her listen 

to me, make her talk to me, make her tell me what she 

wants from me, the one thing I've ever really wanted 

to know.
 
apparently the hatred is spreading again, gotta keep 

myself in check. too many good friends are getting 

hurt without me realizing I even did anything. I 

need to be more aware, need to understand what is  
unexceptable amongst the human race. somehow I 

either missed these lessons or I forgot somewhere 

in my substance-fueled rampage. I just want to make 

it all better, please give me the tools to do so.
 
she's the only one I've ever been able to put away 

my views against marriage and picture a wedding with. 

I can actually picture myself spending the rest of 

my life with her, yet she can't spend 2 minutes  
reading what I have to say. and I wonder why I hate 

my life... 

<3 <3   

I remember.

I remember back in the day when I first told my mom I wanted to wear a lime green tux to grad. she told me my date would cry. I told her I was going with darsey. things were so much simpler back then. I miss grade 9.

I remember how every time I tried to date a boy, he would get paranoid that I would leave him for her. she's always been the one.

I remember rushing to go tell my other wife that I wanted that girl pretty much as soon as I found out she liked girls, the way it was so simple to talk about things like that in our little corner where we'd hide away from the rest of the class.

I remember not wanting to let anyone else around her for fear they'd try to take her away from me, following her around like a lost puppy, waiting for her to throw a little attention my way every once in awhile.

I remember standing around, or cuddling up close, terrified to make a move because everything was perfect so there was no use in screwing around with it and being around her made me turn to jelly.

I remember trying to stop staring after her long after she'd gone the complete other way.

I remember just talking, having her be the only one who could make me feel complete, no matter how many other people had tried to cheer me up.

I remember the jokes that could make me laugh for the longest time, even more so when no one else but us got them. like a little secret that love could share.

I remember seeing no one else whenever she walked into the room, just the radiant beauty she brought with her everywhere.

I remember the first time she kissed me, when I thought my heart would burst out of my chest from a mixture of both having it finally happen, and the fact there was a good chance someone could walk in. that was when I knew there was no cure for how much I love her.

I remember trying to stop my smile from telling everyone just how much I love her.

I remember being so confused when she played games, intentional or not. yet every single step I followed like there was nothing else in the world to do.

I remember knowing she loved me, apparently just as much as I love her. I guess that means nothing though. if so much can be erased so easily, so soon. maybe I'm not the one for her, even if she is the one for me. the truth hurts.

I remember the pain. how much it hurts to know that this is the past. still, I hope for some sort of forgiveness. is that too much to ask? I just need a break.


<3 <3  

calling you.

how do you sum up an entire life in a few simple words? an emotion with just one? and digest a love in a short few weeks? the worst part is not knowing what you're supposed to make of it. is it supposed to just go away and pretend it was never there in the first place? or are you supposed to find a way to make it good as new, to allow for any imperfections to dissappear with the way your voice curls over her ears, the way her touch burns away the misery in the past. how is one to know what to make of something when they aren't given any words of wisdom, nothing to play off of. just the empty silence and the overactive imagination you were given long before she worked her way into your life. only the memories of what she once told you and a hope that those emotions still ring true somewhere deep inside and there is a way to access them. only problem is how???

each day a nagging, tugging feeling at your heart telling you to pick up the phone and remind her just how you feel, but the fear.
oh the fear. it cripples even the brave of heart. wounds the invincible. now how to beat it without becoming a total intoxicated fool?

how to sympathize with someone hurt by something that you wouldn't usually give a second thought. something you wouldn't even need to forgive someone for doing to you. someone so innocent to the world around and all of it's bullshit it throws at you. but it's someone that you can't survive without so you think and realise just how much of a deal to someone so sheltered such a thing could be. you think you get it, so you're ready to apologize and actualy mean it for the act itself, not just the emotions it evoked. 

turns out I have a heart after all. who knew. 

<3 <3 

screw with your moderation.

I can't really survive in the coldness. there is much freezing of the body going on. it sucks ass.

freezing.. like her eyes, piercing my heart with their hatred.
I've been winded and I can't even scream her name.
I'm crawling, begging, gasping
all I need is a little air.
I can't choke back the tears,
they're choking me, drowning.
no longer living.
and it's all my fault
and I do it all myself.

if only the past could be taken away, erased, rewritten. alas, there is no way to do so. so I live in fear, waiting waiting waiting. hoping for a day where she'll forgive me, knowing I have more work to do before she could even consider. still the fear cripples me, breaks my heart. how does one live such a life?

I get so confused. is this just a dry point in her game of hot and cold? how I long for the answer key, the manual for girls, for life, for survival. my heart's been pulled like a puppet by so many strings who knows what is really it's desire anymore. shattered so many times I no longer know if I have all the pieces. given away and stabbed until the blood runs clear from the tears. there is no time out, just a continuing circle.

I start to fall and get that girly, happy, floaty thing going on
until I manageto fuck up somehow
then I'm left to drive myself farther and farther into a hole
until next time.

sometimes I wonder why I ever stopped the whole guy thing. at least I'd be getting laid in the middle of my misery. but I suppose it's worth it for those bursts of happiness. and yeknow, how hot girls are...

<3 <3

you say you want a resolution.

so. new year. seems like same old same old. except.. maybe a little bit less trying to overanalyze everything and stick it into a catagory of nikki, me, or her. we're all here, just let it sort itself out, too confusing otherwise. 

I suppose there should be a list of new years resolutions I prolly won't keep, but I'll try.
1. stop falling for the girls that aren't available to me (taken, straight, emotionally not there, etc)
2. give my friends a choice of safeword to use at any point when I start to piss them off, they want me to leave them alone, or if I come on to them too much
3. try to get out and roller skate at least once a month, once a week when the weather gets better
4. stop hurting the ones I love most
5. try to actually grow out my eyebrows
6. get my industrial done
7. actually get a GSA started at Palmer 
8. get a job (that actually pays. volunteering doesn't count)
9. pass my grade 11 courses
10. pass the test for my N

yes, that is just how fail at thinking up things to put on my list I am. really, new years resolutions aren't exactly the easiest things to come up with, but at least I did it so people can either stop asking me and look, or I'll just ignore them. because I'm that nice...

dorkoffs for the win.

<3 <3 

the begining.

so. eventfulness is eventful. waking up just to unpack and try to settle back into a life from before you left. it doesn't work. I'm not the same person/ soul/ whatever. I no longer know how to go about my daily actions. even being with my friends for long periods of time makes me want to cry. the past is always waving and flashing and stealing my attention. the people I once knew, the way I once was, is gone. the souls that once were so connected with mine have grown to be so distant. it's as if I feel the need to relive my past to know where I've come from, but it's become my everything and I am nothing now. those faces once so embedded in my mind they felt almost to be my own, now have moved on and I no longer can recall just what they are now, just in their pasts. I'm trying so hard to keep the past alive that I can't even see that I'm the only one living there with the fiments of my imagination. those friends no longer need me, I'm just fading into the past. in the land of emptyness where I no longer feel welcome in my past, yet I've blocked out a present and future, there is nothing. I am alone.

for most people that might be ok, but for me there is nothing worse. the thing I fear most is being alone. yet my whole life I've felt that way. for once I just want to belong somewhere and know I belong, stop having to paste a fake smile on and pretend to function on a human level. I want to feel loved and know that it won't be all complicated and I won't be hurt worse than the last time yet again. to stop falling for all the wrong girls and just learn how to cope on my own for awhile, without jumping from being in love to being in love with someone new. but my body says no, that is not allowed, you must keep this reputation as the joker, the sexaul one, the perv, the fuck up. that is the only thing you will ever be and your only purpose in life is to be a physical and emotional punching bag. don't bother having hopes and dreams, don't worry about your own happiness, you're not good enough to deserve such luxuries. 

I'm scared. scared to pick up the phone and try to force her to hear me out. scared that afterwards she'll still hate me and my worst fears will come true. scared to have my heart broken yet again. I don't know if it could survive another time. already I'm so fragile and weak. all I am is fake confidence and stoopidity. I'm fighting so hard to be worth handing a deck of cards that has at least one good moment, but I try too hard and end up not even deserving a shitty deck. not even being ranked high enough to be considered fully human. 

I'm sorry, I've pretty much wasted everyone who's ever met me's time and energy. I've hurt everyone I've ever cared about and I've ruined more chances than anyone should ever be given. I'm just a lost soul trying to find it's way to the finish line, to retire before it's too late and I'm stuck in another lifetime. it's too tiring to even try to think about.

everyone who's ever cared about me, I'm sorry for wasting your emotions. I should come with a warning label: will self destruct multiple times, starting now. sorry guys, I didn't mean to fuck everything up. I wish I could've faded away with the new year, but alas I cannot just desolve as much as that would be perferable to everyone. so here I am, in the beginings of 2011, asking everyone who's ever entered my life to forgive me for all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I could possibly do wrong. I'm asking them to help me find the strength to right all that I've wronged and control this evil beast dwelling within. I ask for a new page, a new book, a new begining to erase all that came before this new year and give me a chance to try to do it right this time, you might be surprised at how much I value each and every one of you and how hard I am willing to work to rectify the past. 
thank-you to anyone who is willing to do this, to everyone else, goodbye. 
slowly, as the tears begin to flow, as do the memories that I am trying to surpress to fully commit to you guys. please, at least try. 
peace and love.

<3 <3